Chapter 9
9
SHILOH
The coffee shop guy is probably the hottest guy I have ever seen, not that I actually look at anyone anymore. I remember when I first started to realize that I liked guys instead of girls. Frank was mad, but Mama assured him I would grow out of it, that kids didn’t really think about kind of stuff until they were much older. I might have only been five, but I was certain that I felt things for boys that I was supposed to feel for girls and vice versa. But after Frank hit Mama for talking back, I kept that to myself.
Getting dragged all over campus by Toby is like second nature to me at this point. I love him dearly, but an introvert, he is not. After my morning freakout, I have resigned myself to having way too much attention thrust at me for the rest of my day, especially because my guard dog seems to think he is somehow at fault.
“So, I’m going to be here as soon as your class is over to get you and take you to Professor Barnes’s office. He said we can hang out in there until he finishes up his last class around four, and then he’ll take us back to the house.”
Sighing, I look around the rest of campus as we walk toward the art building. I’m a junior, being escorted like a kid on his first day of kindergarten while freshmen two weeks into the semester are heading off to their classes with a kind of confidence I have never known. I would give anything to be able to feel comfortable walking across campus by myself. It’s just too public.
At the entrance to the building, Toby gives me a massive bear hug before pushing me inside. He really must be feeling insecure if he’s being this touchy feely in public. He usually avoids anything more than hand holding unless we’re in a group or somewhere like the Devil or the Monarch Room.
“Remember to wait for me!” he calls out and almost trips over his own feet as he rushes across the quad to get to the building that holds his business courses. I look up at the ceiling of the entryway in exasperation. I love him, but he has got to stop treating me like a child.
I love him so much, but I can’t be with him. I’ll never be strong enough and then I’ll lose him, just like I lost Mama.
Fuck! I feel the stinging sensation in my eyes again.
Ducking back out of the doors, I race off around the back of the building towards the small park adjacent to the campus. My art professors are understanding of my anxiety issues being exasperated with my stepbrother being out. They won’t make a big deal out of me being late or missing class as long as I check in and get the assignments done. I shoot off an email to my professor while wiping absently at my face. I hate being so out of control with my emotions.
Walking through the little copse of trees calms me in a way that little else does lately. In the woods, surrounded by nature, there is absolutely nothing that reminds me of my life before Kink Manor. That more than anything else brings me peace when my anxiety and PTSD flares up. My therapist says it’s avoidance, but she can fuck off. I need these brief respites however I can get them.
My phone dings from my backpack and I pull it out to look at my professor’s response. I’m surprised to see it’s a text from Matt, outside of the group chat.
Matt Barnes:
Where R U?
Pup is about to get arrested
Me:
WTF?
Where is he?
What happened?
Matt Barnes:
Campus Security
Admin Bldg
Y aren’t u in class?
Me:
Meet you there
I ignore the panic rolling through me at the thought of facing police in favor of getting to Toby as fast as possible. I can’t lose him. Even though I know as a white boy with blond hair and blue eyes, he would be treated way better than I would by the cops, I can’t risk it.
What if the rest of his family has found him?
Sprinting for the administration building, nothing is filtering into my brain other than the sheer need to get to Toby before he’s taken from me. Maybe if I hadn’t been in such a state of panic, I would have seen the wall of muscle in front of me before I crashed into him.