Chapter Twenty-Six
Iris
Remus’s hands are gentle underneath me as he holds my body up in the water, relaying the instructions needed for me to learn how to swim.
“You told me your brother taught you,” he laughs as I clumsily splash the water between my fingers like I remember Cypress telling me to do.
It felt much easier in my memory. Remus’s grip becomes firmer when he realizes I am having difficulty holding myself up, and I immediately stop paddling, my muscles aching from the exertion.
“He did. But it wasn’t something that was retained, seeing as I never used it growing up in the world you created for me,” I say bitterly.
Remus ignores my tone, however, laughing as he carries me away from the deeper end of the river so that I can stand on my own. He doesn’t speak as he lets me catch my breath and rein in my temper, but I can feel his eyes on me while I struggle to do so.
“There’s no need to be flustered. It’s the same as reading. If you don’t use it, you lose it. Keep in mind that the air quality and gravity are much different. Even if you already knew how, there would be much-needed adjustments,” he says gently.
After a moment, he notices my frustration is at more than just him taking over my planet. It’s also due to my lack of another ability I should have by now.
He gently shifts his finger under my chin, lifting my gaze to meet his.
“You’re doing fine, Iris. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re right. If I had never invaded, you probably would have improved over the years and maybe gone swimming every summer. But I did, and we’re here now to make up for it,” he says.
Even in the sunlight, his eyes are so vivid as he looks down at me, his words instantly ridding me of any doubt.
This has become our new normal. I snap, angry and embarrassed, and Remus gives me an inspirational talk, showing me that he doesn’t look down on me—that he admires me.
And then, we move on, him taking no offense to my anger but being annoyingly understanding of it.
I take a deep breath, looking past him to where the deeper end is, my desire to learn outweighing my guilt.
After a moment, I look back at Remus, and he’s watching me with a small grin.
He knows me better than I know myself, which is why his words come so easily.
He knows I’ll keep at it until I can do it just like I did with learning his language.
“Fine…but don’t laugh at me,” I say softly as I make my way back to the deeper edge of the water. Remus doesn’t speak, but I do hear his light chuckle as he places his hands under me to hold me up as he teaches me to swim.
The sound of my sobs wakes me up. It jolts me from the dream I was having, where the memory of our last day together plays in my mind.
I shiver slightly, blinking the sleep from my eyes as my attention immediately drifts to the open window.
I’m still in Xion’s home, but the sun has long since set, and unlike at Remus and Ezra’s home, I cannot see Llora in the atmosphere, but I can see the faint glow of the rings covering Xyrannis.
I slowly roll away from the view, anger ripping through me as they remind me of this situation. And why my dream was so bittersweet.
“Ngh,” I groan as dull pain throbs around my lower stomach.
My hands fly to the source of the pain, applying pressure to stop it.
It intensifies the anger I feel. I never thought I would feel this way.
Even when I first arrived on Xyrannis, I was hesitant to call this place my home.
I never wanted to see it as anything more than another prison.
But just like in my dreams, Remus somehow coaxed me into it.
I let myself fall into the illusion Remus had created for me.
I grew so comfortable that the results of his leaving have left me feeling lost and hopeless, instead of happy.
On Earth, I had hope and allies, and a purpose.
Here, I only had Remus. And just when I had grown comfortable with that, he was taken from me—cruelly.
I squeeze my eyes shut, digging my face into the pillow to quiet my sobs.
Remus’s expression when he was choking the life out of me is something I had forgotten about, and after experiencing that side of him, I can’t believe I ever did.
Remus’s hatred for anything weaker than him was a defining feature and the center of our “relationship” in the beginning.
But without realizing it, we had moved on from that, and I hadn’t seen Remus’s anger like that in a while—not even when I “betrayed” him.
It’s even more distressing watching Ezra and Xion’s reaction to it all.
They may call themselves The “Divine Three,” but that is all for show.
In reality, it is Remus who controls everything.
So much so, that when his memory has been wiped and he almost killed the woman both of his siblings are aware he cares for, there is nothing they can do about it.
They won’t even question his reality to his face.
Their mother knew this. She knows how powerful her son is, which must be why she is so desperate to have control over him.
But it doesn’t explain how my existence makes her control waver.
Remus never once strayed from his path of destruction. While my attempts may have entertained him, he never let them sway his ultimate goal—he never so much as questioned his purpose. I know Xion said they would get to the bottom of this, but I don’t think they can.
“Mngh…,” I groan as the pain intensifies, and I curl myself up in a fetal position.
It outweighs the ache in my throat. I feel worse than I’ve ever felt in my life.
And I know the removal of Remus’s bond is a huge factor in that.
I not only feel alone mentally, but physically, the ache is unbearable.
Even though I’m warm, I still feel cold.
Nothing could sate this chill but Remus.
My eyes fly open as I realize my thoughts.
I miss him. I miss his warmth and his comfort.
I miss the certainty that came with his presence.
I’ve grown accustomed to him and the support he provides.
I’ve even grown used to him removing any and all pain with his touch.
His hugs, his gentle strokes, and even his consistent desire to push my hair away from my face were always accompanied by a tingling warmth as he made sure my body was in perfect order.
I may never have that again.
My cries grow, slowly becoming audible. I can no longer hold back my pain. And I don’t care enough to be ashamed of it, as it outweighs my desire to be strong. This is a situation I never prepared for. Now that I’m in it, I don’t know what to do to fix it.
None of us do.
If it all possible, I feel even worse than I did last night. My body is numb with pain, and I feel weaker than I ever have. Even lifting my arms has become a task. I feel like I’m rotting from the inside, and I have no will left in me.
I barely slept. The pain alone was enough to keep me up.
When I was finally able to drift off, the dreams that tormented my mind only triggered more tears in my sleep.
My brain has decided to latch onto any and every fond memory I’ve had with Remus.
Except at the time, they weren’t fond to me.
I was focused on being angry and resistant to his attempt at making peace.
If only I knew how much I would cherish those moments.
I pull in a shuddering breath as I focus on the hairpin Remus gave me on our last day together. The jewel seems to pulse with life as I shift it between my fingers, reminding me of Remus. I wish I knew why he gave this to me—why it was important to him.
Now, it is all I have left.
I’m sure the room he made for me has also been destroyed and wiped clean of my existence—Margot’s plant included. Each time I think of the state of his home—the sounds coming from the room we shared, my pit of despair deepens.
I don’t move as the door opens. I don’t have the strength.
“Iris, you need to eat something. You can’t survive on this drink alone,” Xion says disappointedly as she takes in the tray of food that hasn’t been touched over the now empty cup that once held the pink liquid Remus made me drink.
“Why do you care?” I whisper. My throat still hasn’t healed properly, so my voice comes out in a cracked whisper, audibly mimicking how I feel.
I hear Xion crossing the room, and she moves to the opposite side of the bed, kneeling in front of me. Her beauty is jarring, especially since she and Remus look so much alike, and I have to look away.
“Because no matter how I feel about the situation, you are important to my brother,” she says.
I release a bitter chuckle, slowly sitting up in bed. I flinch as pain lingers around my stomach. At this point, I’ve chalked it up to me not eating. But I’ve been starved before—it feels different than hunger pains.
Xion watches me steadily until I am sitting up enough to speak.
“He tried to kill me. I am not important to him anymore,” I say.
“That is only temporary. We will—”
I release a bitter chuckle. “Will what? Wait? You all have this problem. You all underestimate how smart I am. You are both as powerless as I am. You won’t even question his reality because you are afraid of him and what he can do. You are the same as your mother,” I say.
Xion’s gaze darkens.
“I am nothing like her,” she snaps. “I’ve seen what barreling in and challenging Remus can do. We have to be smart now, or else it will cost us another life—” Xion trails off, letting the silence grow loud between us.
She takes a deep breath, reining in her anger.
“Remus used his last bit of energy to tell us to protect you. I will no matter what happens—whether he comes back or not,” she says.
Her words trigger my tears, but I blink them rapidly back.
“I felt him. He was scared…Remus is never scared,” I say, looking at the hairpin he gave me. I twist it in my fingers, my thumb rubbing over the top of the jewel.
It radiates a small amount of heat.
“How can she have just wiped me out of his mind like that? There’s literally physical proof of my existence,” I say, looking at her.
Xion’s expression softens.
“The way the manipulation works is difficult to explain. It’s like if you went your whole life seeing flowers as one color.
You would never bother thinking it was even possible for them to be a different color because that is your reality.
There’s no question about it…it just is.
It isn’t until someone asks you what color the flowers are, and all you can say is ‘the color a flower is’, but you can’t specify pink or blue.
You just know it’s always been the color a flower is,” she says.
My heart breaks at her explanation. She speaks with familiarity.
“So, you’ve been manipulated, too,” I say.
She doesn’t respond. But her silence is all I need.
“What’s stopping her from going further and taking your memories of me? Or even Ezra’s? If she can take Remus’s sense of self, within two minutes, what’s stopping her from going after all of you?” I ask.
“It’s not that complicated, Iris. She doesn’t need to.
Whatever her reasons, it has less to do with you and more to do with Remus himself.
She thinks you’re dead, and Remus is his old self again.
She has removed herself from the equation so that we can go back to doing what we do best—conquering.
Remus is no longer a threat,” Xion says.
I clutch the pin in my hand harder when I realize my fingers are shaking from her response.
“How are you going to fix this when you don’t even know why she did all this?” I ask.
Xion is quiet for a moment, thinking before she speaks.
“Ezra said you were having visions before Remus left. Have you had any since?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No.”
“And what were the visions?” she asks.
I pull in a deep breath as I recall the visions. “They were somewhere foreign. Someone was calling for Remus constantly,” I say.
“Remus was having visions too—memories of when he was a child in a different world. I think it has something to do with where we came from. I think our mother is hiding from someone here,” Xion says.
I slowly look away from the hairpin to her as I try to decipher what that means.
“Our mother has always cautioned us against bonding with someone weaker than us. It is why I’ve never bonded.
But Remus did, and not only did bad things begin to happen, but the memories he didn’t recall living were returning.
I think it had something to do with his essence being in a weak host. Someone was reaching out to him, or rather you, trying to find him,” she says.
Chills form as she explains what she thinks is happening. If it’s true, then there is much more to fear than Remus. Possibly someone his own mother would wipe his memory to hide from.
I close my eyes as my head slowly throbs, my mind shifting to Remus. My anger comes to the surface as I think of the emotionless machine she’s manipulated for the sake of her own cowardice.
“Then we have to save him. You have to let me try to talk to him. If his memories could be returned from us bonding, maybe we just need to bond again,” I say.
But Xion is watching me in pity, and I note that her eyes are slightly glassy.
“He would kill you before you could utter a word, Iris,” she says.
I shake my head as I recall his smile when he explained to me his lack of a childhood. Remembering that moment is eerie, watching the manipulation in action.
“What does it matter? If he kills me, it’s the end of your problems. If he lets me live, we can possibly bring him back,” I say.
“You actually care about him…” she says.
I’m shocked myself at how natural my desire to fix things has become.
But like I acknowledged last night when I was alone and in pain, I miss him.
I miss what we were becoming. I miss the adoration I saw in his eyes and the smile on his lips anytime I entered the room.
I miss his soft chuckles as he brushed off my attitude.
I miss his gentle explanations, and towards the end, his curiosity that spanned beyond my will to survive.
I look down at the hairpin he gave me. It was supposed to signify a new start between us.
I squeeze it in my hands, my determination shifting to the forefront.
All of the hesitance and guilt that I felt falls away as my new purpose becomes clear.
I told him I would try when he returned. And I plan on standing by that.
“Yes. I do.”