Chapter 2
Two
VIOLET
This is all my fault.
Every anguished shout from Felix stabs me in the skull. Each strand of hair Roman tugs free from his scalp feels like an attempt to yank my heart from my chest.
For once, Declan's quiet and looking shell-shocked watching Felix sprinting down the rows of cars. He looks like he might throw up, actually.
It makes me wish I could numb myself. This is all my fault.
Jared, God...Jared's crying! I match each of his tears with two of my own. Then, as if something strikes him, Jared rushes for the spot where my phone lay cracked against the cement.
Crashing to his knees, Jared pulls his cellphone out and turns the flashlight on. He scans the area slowly, then he falters. I seem to be the only one who has noticed, so I inch toward him.
Fear makes me hesitant to uncover what Jared has found. It's so selfish of me to want to avoid the truth that something happened. The ache in my heart and the guilt bruising my brain feel like all I can handle.
Can I survive what Jared has found?
My answer comes quickly and unrelentingly right up my freaking throat. Bile burns my esophagus, and my neck kinks as I jerk away from the bloody scene in front of Jared.
Vomit forces my lips apart and spatters the area around my feet. There's cursing and a gentle hand keeping my hair from touching the drool dangling from my mouth.
A napkin is thrust in front of me, and with shaking hands, I grab it. Dabbing away the nastiness from my face, I cringe at the lingering taste of puke in my mouth.
As if they hear my thoughts, someone offers me the red Icee Declan bought for me. To my surprise, it's Declan who gives me a sip. "Here, just a small sip, though."
His voice is thick with so much emotion I feel like I might be sick again. All my fault. Standing at my full height with a shaky breath, I look up and see that Declan was also the one holding my hair.
I guess my selfish reaction snapped him out of his daze.
"Thank you," I croak, taking the Icee and putting it to my lips. The chill of the drink does nothing to relieve the burning in my heart. Where's Blue? The blood!
Remembering why I threw up in the first place, I turn away from my mess and try to see around Jared's large shoulders. Try being the keyword. Declan stops me with an arm extended in front of my shoulders.
"You don't need to see that, Violet..." he mutters, sounding choked.
I attempt to push his arm away, but he grabs my shoulder to stop me. "Declan, move!" He takes a shuddering breath and shakes his head. "MOVE!" I bellow, barely aware that we're drawing a crowd.
"Violet, calm down," Declan pleads with me. Then Felix is rushing around us with Roman hot on his heels. They crash to their knees and start cursing. Their words turn more productive, but I'm too lost in my urgency to understand what they're saying.
"Declan, please!"
There's some muttering by a group about bad acting, and confusion about what movie we're doing a skit of.
I snarl, feeling rabid at the fact that people are making a joke out of us. "Mama is missing! There's blood, Declan! LET ME GO!"
My final expulsion of energy to escape his hold does nothing but burst the dam on my emotions. Guilt is still at the forefront, making me feel like I need to fix this. Like I need to suffer. I wish I had taken Ma's place. I wish I had done literally anything differently.
But fear buckles my knees and makes me choke on a sob.
"Shh, it's okay," Declan murmurs, drawing me in for a hug.
I want to scream at him that this is absolutely not okay. My tears and reaction are distracting him from finding Blue. Once again, I'm only making things harder for everyone.
Just like when I was a kid.
I'm not stupid—I know Blue was about to move out, but she stuck around for me. She raised me and ignored her own needs for so long.
How could she leave me? And how could I blame her for this?!
"It's all my fault!" I cry, choking on air and sorrow.
Declan squeezes harder. "No, it's not. Just breathe, V. We'll find her. Take a breath, honey."
His kindness makes me cry harder. Blue describes Roman as the soft, sweet one, yet here Declan is, holding me and reassuring me when the love of his life left a puddle of blood on the ground mere feet away. And went missing.
"She's gone!" I gasp out, unable to control myself.
"We'll get her back." Declan declares, giving me just a smidge of hope that I haven't lost Blue...My ma. The greatest, most selfless person in the entire world. The woman who raised me when it cost her so much pain and effort.
I've called her ma so as not to burden Blue with the responsibility and connection of a mom. But that's who Blue is to me...she's my mom. I hate that it has taken me losing her to realize that's who I want her to be officially.
Clinging to one of Blue's men and soaking his shirt with my tears, I allow myself to give in to what has always been. "I want Blue," I whisper, feeling my heart crack even further. "I want my mom."