Chapter 6
Six
JARED
There's something about two other men in my woman's apartment that absolutely annihilates any semblance of calm. For me at least. Roman can eat a bag of dicks. It's been eighteen hours, and still, Rome's acting like he's fine.
I'm pissed and completely irrational. I've skipped right past the denial stage and dove headfirst into rage. At least that's what Bethany told me over lunch. "There are a few stages of grief, Jared," she murmured. "You and Felix being in the anger stage together isn't going to go over well."
I brushed her off, and Janine pulled her friend away. All traces of the fun-loving Jared disappeared right along with the love of my life. If I thought I was a shell of myself when we abandoned her as kids, I don't even want to think about who I am now.
Obviously, two raging dickheads without their woman to smooth them out isn't going to go over well. Declan's had to keep us from ripping each other's throats out, for fuck’s sake.
My best friend should be raging right along with me, yet he's completely withdrawn and all up in his feels. Depression is the stage of grief Bethany said Declan is in.
At that point, I had snapped a little. Lunch was barely squeezing down my throat with all the fire I've been spitting. I was hungry, nauseous, scared, and so angry.
I was angry about how Bethany was basically holding up a mirror to our fucking faces and telling us what was wrong. I know what's wrong! Blue is missing! I wanted to scream.
Instead, I swung my arm in Roman's direction and demanded she rip him a new asshole with all of her useless knowledge. "What fucking stage is he in then if we're all doing everything wrong?"
It wasn't until after the poor girl went white as a sheet and muttered "acceptance" that I realized how horrible I was being. Of course, she was also struggling, and this was her way of coping.
Providing information she thought would be useful was her way of helping, and all I did was hate on it. Blue would have bashed my fingers into pancakes with her water bottle if she had been there.
Janine was eyeing up the block of knives in Blue's kitchen, and Violet was looking at me as if she were scared. I can't even remember if I apologized; that's how fucked up my head is right now.
I think around the time I realized what a dick I was being was when my mom called me. Relaying the terrifying turn of events to the woman who raised me and loves Blue will go down as one of the hardest ten minutes of my life.
Hearing my mom cry through the phone and my dad's alarmed voice in the background shattered something inside of me. Once again, I let everyone down.
How do I keep letting everyone down?!
I'm supposed to be the respectable one. For fuck’s sake, I teach kids math! I'm smarter than this. That's what I keep telling myself, but it doesn't seem to be true.
I'm losing it. I've been losing it since last night. Since Blue was taken from me. The thing about so many people loving and caring about the woman I love is that they rapidly take up space I need for my feelings.
I barely have capacity for my own struggles right now, and somehow we've found ourselves at the fucking center for information and referral. Some-fucking-how we became literally everyone's point of contact.
Christ, how did we become Human Resources?
How am I supposed to manage my own shit along with my three best friends, Violet, my parents, my sister, Blue's three girl friends, her two guy friends, and her coworkers?!
Bethany, Dakota, and Janine were one thing. Their tears and plotting were only marginally welcome once I stuffed my numb face. They are probably the only people acting fucking normally.
Then my parents frantically questioned me. After that, there were unknown numbers calling Felix, who ended up being staff members worried about Blue missing her shift tonight.
We're barely holding our shit together.
Yeah, I'm aware I'm being a dick. But the cracks are getting bigger and bigger.
Of course, a jacked fucking douchebag bangs open Blue's front door and shatters any and all illusion of control I have.
Levi barrels toward the biggest guy in the room, his face red and eyes flaring. "You!" he shouts, pointing a finger at Roman with so much disbelief and emotion radiating from him. "You said you were going to look out for her! Protect her! Where the fuck were you?!"
"Levi!" Violet gasps and recoils from the male dominance sucking the air from the room.
Something inside of me sparks to life in a horrifying inferno I'm not prepared for. My hands curl in response to the threat toward my friend. Levi's muscular size makes my jaw clench. But it's his uninvited presence in my woman's home that breaks the leash on the beast inside me.
One I didn't even know existed.
Before I even know what's happening, I'm rushing forward with spittle flying from my mouth as I force myself to stay quiet. A twinge in my shoulder is the only recognition I have that my arm cocks back.
The following pain in my knuckles and blood splattering on Blue's couch is the only warning I get to tell me, once again, I've fucked up.