Chapter 26
Pete
I am disappointed that our lesson is over. It’s been more than three hours, and it’s past midnight, so I should be running out the door. She needs her sleep. But, I don’t want to leave. My legs feel like they have weights on them, and I find myself trying to linger by the table as she stands in front of me, talking.
I realize I can take my glass to the sink for her at least, and that will give me a couple of extra seconds. What kind of guy am I that I’ll do anything for a couple of extra seconds with the girl I’m interested in? We haven’t talked about anything that I really want to talk about, like whether or not she would consider being with someone, even if she hasn’t reached the goal she wanted to in her career.
I know she was clear about it, and that’s what keeps me from saying anything.
But as I reach forward for my glass, my bird says, “Pete and his precious! Pete and his precious!” And I don’t know if it’s the sudden, shrill notice of his voice, or maybe an unconscious thing on my part, or maybe I really am just clumsy. But I stumbled forward, and as Zoe tries to get away from me, she trips on a chair leg. I reach out to grab her. Her hands are flying, the way you do when you’re just reaching out to anything to try to keep yourself from falling backwards. She grabs a hold of my shoulders, and somehow we end up face-to-face, holding onto each other, like we’re hugging.
I’m looking at her, and she’s looking at me, her eyes startled, her mouth open, her breath quick, and then somehow, her hand stops grabbing a hold of my shoulder, and starts moving along it. It goes behind my neck, and down my back and it feels soft and perfect, and before I know it, my head is lowering as hers raises, and I’m kissing her. Really kissing her.
Or maybe she’s kissing me. That’s how it feels, since I’m struggling to breathe and my heart feels like it’s doing crazy somersaults in my chest and the world seems to tilt and sway and then go away completely, because kissing Zoe is the only thing I’m thinking about.
It wasn’t just a little, accidental kiss. It was a huge, full on, this is everything I ever wanted and I’m completely immersed in it kind of kiss.
Every nerve ending in my body is humming, as I slowly pull my head up, and look into her eyes.
I’m not sure what my face looks like. Amazed? Befuddled? Like I want another?
Hers... I think she looks happy. But maybe that’s just the way I want her to look.
I don’t know what to say. Don’t know what to do. I haven’t kissed a lot of girls. I don’t think it’s right to kiss someone that I’m not planning on marrying. I certainly didn’t plan on kissing Zoe. But, she’s the kind of girl that I would marry in a heartbeat. Actually, she’s the only girl I’ve ever met that I would marry in a heartbeat. If she asked me right now I would say yes. Then I almost snort over that, because it’s supposed to be me that does the asking, right? But I wasn’t even thinking about asking her. It just seems... Too early. Even though I know that’s what I want. I know, it’s fast, but... I guess sometimes when you know, you know.
So, like the smooth, sophisticated guy I am, not, I say, so romantically, “I need to go.”
She blinks, like my words have surprised her, which of course they have, because after you kiss a girl, you’re not supposed to just run away from her.
But, I drop my arms from around her - somehow they’ve managed to grab her close and I’ve got both hands spread across her back, and I’m not even sure when that happened. I turn, grab my birdcage, and walk to the door.
I feel like an idiot. I should have had something to say. Something at the least marginally intelligent. Like, I really like you, can we be exclusive? Or something. I don’t know. That sounds dumb too. Especially when I know she doesn’t want to be exclusive. She doesn’t even want to have a boyfriend. She told me that very clearly. And I was supposed to launch a charm offensive, not kiss her.
Somehow I’ve managed to mess everything up, and I know I’m mucking up even worse by leaving without saying anything, but my hand’s on the doorknob and I’m pulling the door open, moving the cage and thinking that I should say thank you for the lesson, and then I remembered I never paid for it.
I threw cash in my wallet because I knew I was going to be paying for the lesson, and so I pull my billfold out of my back pocket and grab the money I had put in.
I turned, and see that she’s trailing after me, but hasn’t made it the whole way to the door. She looks a little confused. Probably wondering why I kissed her and am now running out like a teenager, instead of a thirty-year-old man. Maybe that’s because I’ve been waiting for her all my life, and I don’t exactly have the experience to figure out how to make the situation so it’s not the most awkward thing I’ve ever done.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t pay you.”
She looks outraged, for a moment, and I wonder what I’ve done.
And then her expression eases, and in the back corner of my mind an idea emerges that maybe she thought I was paying her to kiss me.
It’s true I don’t have a lot of experience with women, but I’m not that desperate.
“For the drawing lesson,” I say, still holding the bills out.
I sit Trixie down, and I walk back to the middle of the kitchen and hand her the bills.
She takes them, and she looks like she’s going to turn away, and...were those tears in her eyes?
That makes me want to run even more, but I can’t do that. I need to stay, and make sure she’s okay.
And also fix this terrible blunder somehow.
“Zoe?” I say, my voice husky and soft. I want to blame it on the kiss.
She stops, but her face is still turned down.
I might as well be honest. That’s all I know how to do anyway.
“I’m sorry. I...I’m not very good at this, because I haven’t kissed a lot of girls. For the most part I’ve been waiting for someone like you. Someone sweet and kind, who makes me laugh, and challenges me, and maybe even someone who has a voice like honey that runs over so soft and smooth and warm that I could just sit and listen to you all day long.”
Her head tilts a little, but she doesn’t look up. I don’t know if I’m doing this right or not, but I guess if I’m being honest, it’s right. I just don’t know how she’s feeling about it.
“I wasn’t expecting to kiss you tonight. I am sorry for not respecting the lines you’ve drawn. You said you didn’t want to have a relationship until you’re successful in your career and I truly think if that’s what you want, it’s what you need to do, as long as you’re sure it’s God’s will. I... Didn’t mean to not respect that, and as hard as it will be, I’ll try not to let it happen again.”
She’s still not saying anything, and still not looking at me, and I’m not sure what to do. I can’t touch her. If I touch her, I might be tempted to run my fingers up her arm, and wrap them around her neck, and kiss her again. In fact, the idea of doing that makes me quiet for a couple of seconds.
“Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. Not because I didn’t enjoy the kiss,” I add, with some sixth sense telling me that I need to make sure she understands if it were up to me, we’d still be kissing. “But I’m sorry because I didn’t mean to. I know you didn’t want to.”
I hold my breath, hoping that she’ll say that I’m wrong. That she wanted to. That I’m worth more than a career to her, and she’d rather have me and no career, or at least try to have us both at the same time. But that is insane.
“Are you mad at me?” I finally say, knowing that I should just get out of here, leave her so she can go to bed. Because she has a life beyond me. I feel selfish, but I also feel a little desperate too. I want to know she’s not mad before I leave.
“No,” she says quietly, and that’s all she says.
“Thanks for the lesson,” I say, after hesitating for a moment. I want to push her. Want to know exactly how she feels, at least know that we’re good. But, I need to go. Something tells me that’s the best thing I can do right now. Maybe that’s the part of me that I should listen to, but how do you know?
So, I turned back to the door, pick up Trixie and his cage, and walk out, wishing with every cell of my body that I could just stay, be with her. At the very least, know that everything is okay between us before I leave.
But sometimes, you just don’t get what you want.