Chapter 6
Six
Glacial Melt
I hate driving in the city (part of the reason I never go anywhere), so Eris drives the first leg to the Illinois border.
And—because it’s a six-hour drive—we’re leaving at the ass crack of dawn.
As an aspiring lawyer, I should get used to early mornings and navigating rush hour traffic, but I hate getting dressed before nine.
Dressed in my comfiest joggers and t-shirt, I curl up in the passenger seat, a scalding cup of gas station coffee pressed under my nose, snorting the caffeine until it’s cool enough to drink.
In the driver’s seat, Eris talks shit about me.
Namely, that I’m eerily quiet without caffeine, what a stereotype I am because I drive an Outback, and the binoculars in the driver’s side door, which ze assumes I use while I drive.
I choose not to respond because I have, on occasion (in my defense, sandhill cranes!).
A little under two hours later, the coffee and Eris have done their job.
I blink awake as Eris—who I just noticed is wearing a sundress in the exact baby pink of zis elbow-pit vulva-rose tattoo (honestly, a flattering color for zis tan skin)—pulls into a rest stop.
I am awake, I need to piss, and we’re almost to Wisconsin, so it’s my turn to drive the rest of the way.
It’s not entirely even, but there are no tolls or confusing interchanges to navigate from here. It’s a fair swap.
The problem with being awake and paying attention is that I can’t tune out Eris’s constant chatter, most of it at my expense.
Ze talks so much, reading every sign out loud, guessing what the roadkill used to be in graphic detail, and calling all the hawks perched along the freeway “falcons,” even though they’ve all clearly been red-tails.
It’s when ze points to a bird in the distance and declares it to be a bald eagle that I lose my patience at how confidently incorrect ze is. “Oh my god, it’s a turkey vulture! Not an eagle!”
“Oh, you can speak!” Eris squints through the windshield. “How do you know it’s a vulture?”
I fish my binoculars from the side pocket—proving exactly why I have them there—and pass them to zim.
Eris holds the binoculars up without removing the lens caps. “I can’t see anything.”
I snatch them back. “There’s another pair in the glove box.
” The pair in the glove box are the ones I used as a kid.
But if ze can’t even figure out the lens caps on my nice pair, then ze can use the little kid binoculars.
I wait for Eris to find the turkey vulture again before I explain, “You see how the wings are tippy as it coasts? That’s a sign of a turkey vulture.
Also, there are two of them, and they tend to be in pairs because they’re monogamous for life.
Also, they’re actually bald, unlike the bald eagle, which has a white head, unless it’s a juvenile. ”
“Dude, you’re a certified nerd. You’re full of nature shit and law shit.”
Eris’s tone almost sounds respectful, and I’m tempted to see what expression goes with it. But I keep my eyes on the vultures. And the road, of course. “Pretty intentional considering I plan on working in environmental law, yeah.”
“Why?”
Confused, I frown. “Why what?”
“Why are you going into environmental law?” Eris puts the binoculars back and snaps the glove box closed. “As your fake hot piece of ass, this is something I should know.”
I frown harder, because ze’s right. I hate talking about myself; it gives people ammunition.
With this six-hour drive of uninterrupted time to talk looming all week, I’ve been putting off sharing anything Eris might need to know.
But we’re two hours in, and I still haven’t said a thing about myself.
I sigh. “Spite, mostly.”
Eris laughs. “Valid. Keep talking.”
I grumble quietly before answering, “Matt’s parents don’t really value higher education, but my mom is a professor.
The importance of college is a point of contention in their long-standing feud as next-door neighbors.
His parents made him start working for the family construction business right out of high school, even though he’s a math wiz and wanted to be an astrophysicist.” Hands clenching around the steering wheel, I swallow the resentment I have for the Jacobsons; Matt chose to fall in line, and he’s happy with that choice.
“Matt’s someone who finds contentment in the cards he’s been dealt.
The grass is greener where you water it, in his opinion.
I just think he’d be happier with flowers. ”
“Oh man, so the people-pleasing thing isn’t just you?” Eris teases.
I snort. “Back home, I’m the black sheep.”
“Jesus Christ,” Eris grumbles, rubbing zis forehead.
“Anyway, his mom took every opportunity to diminish my choice to go to college—my environmental studies major, the extracurriculars I was in, everything. One semester, I did an independent study on the limitations of the Water Pollution Control Act, and I mentioned offhand how I’d like to do something related to environmental policy.
His mom basically thought I was wasting my time.
That I’d never get into grad school, find a job, or make any difference in the world. So I have to prove her wrong.”
Taking a breath to calm my lingering bitterness, I tap the steering wheel.
But Eris doesn’t ask a follow-up question, so I keep talking.
“Also, I’m good at it? I think anyway. Like, yeah, reading cases is boring, but I enjoy figuring out the meaning in the legalese and thinking through the practical application and impacts.
Like, analyzing and predicting the gaps between the spirit of the law and the letter of the law to make better policy is fascinating.
I’m kinda burnt out on school, but I think I’ll enjoy the work once I’m done cramming. ”
“Adrienne said you’re super smart.” The hesitant tone in zis voice makes me glance over, but Eris merely looks out the window, which leaves me no choice but to conclude that Eris Garcia just complimented me.
“She did?” I perk up, trying and failing not to preen at the secondhand praise. “I get decent grades, but I’m not the best in the class, by any means.”
“Yeah. I mean, she says you’re quiet, but you pick up on shit quick,” Eris mutters, then snorts. “Kinda weird, considering you don’t pay attention to anything normally.”
“Thanks,” I deadpan, a little relieved that we’re back to normal. “I wasn’t aware y’all talked about me.”
“‘Y’all’ sounds awful in your accent,” Eris groans. “We woulda talked with you, but you never come to shit besides brunch.”
I focus on the semi I’m passing to avoid answering. Adrienne invites me to her and Dream’s house sometimes, or to their family get-togethers on holidays. But brunch is the only thing I feel like I can go to.
“Don’t go quiet on me again, Bambi,” Eris says, zis gravelly voice soft.
“You didn’t ask a question.”
“‘You didn’t ask a question,’” Eris mimics me, zis mocking tone nasal and pinched. “The implied question was why don’t you ever hang out with us besides brunch? Like, if it’s because you don’t like me, I get it, but don’t hold yourself apart because of me.”
My chest seizes as I sputter; the people pleaser in me wants to deny everything and apologize, but I’m clueless as to what I’d be apologizing for. “What?”
Eris hesitates before murmuring, “Everyone likes you, but you keep us at arm’s length.
Dream thinks it’s my fault, but Adrienne says you’re just introverted.
But if that’s true, then why only go out in public instead of hanging out at their house, you know?
I guess…” Zis sigh is heavy. “I just want to make sure it’s not something I’m doing wrong. ”
Blinking, I struggle to process what Eris just said, replaying zis words over and over again. My guard down, the people pleaser wins. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make everyone feel bad.”
“Oh my god,” Eris groans. “You always apologize for the most unnecessary shit, dude!”
“Sorry.” I grin as ze smacks my arm. “I just… I can’t have people over. Like, my place is too small, and frankly, messy, to have company.”
Eris rubs zis forehead again. “What does that have to do with it?”
I blink in confusion. “Well, if they invite me over for dinner, I need to invite them back. And I didn’t realize that you all,” I emphasize my long vowels and the space between the words, making Eris snort, “hung out together like that, and I can’t host that many people—”
“Wait,” Eris interrupts. “So you don’t come to their house because you can’t reciprocate?”
“Well, and I didn’t think anyone cared if I came or not,” I mumble, my chest aching.
I can feel Eris’s stare of confusion as I drive. “Bro, and I thought I was stupid.”
Screwing my face up to hide the burning in my eyes, I spit out an offended, “Excuse you?”
“You think I invite anyone over? Or Stella does? Hell no! Dream likes to host shit, so we end up at her and Adrienne’s house.” Eris pokes the side of my head. “We all want to be your friend, you just have to let us. Show up sometimes. Open up, and talk about yourself more.”
Fighting another apology, I swat zis hand away from my face. “I talk about myself!”
Eris catches my fingers. “Barely. When Dream makes you, you share facts about your life, but you don’t tell us anything real.”
“Oh, like you’re any better?” Why is Eris still holding my hand? Why am I letting zim? Why can’t I pull away from the strangely comforting grip?
“Look, I’m emotionally repulsive as a defense mechanism, but I joke about my trauma enough that my friends don’t feel shut out.
I open up more about heart-to-heart shit in private, not at brunch.
” Eris scoffs, pulling my hand towards zim.
“You’re just a pushover who can’t set boundaries, so you tell people the barest facts when they ask, instead of telling them you don’t wanna talk about it.
Getting you to share your feelings or opinions about anything is like pulling teeth. ”