Chapter 7 #2
“Gross,” I grumble, glaring at the road. “Matt had quieter dreams than I did.”
“Good, that’s a nice start. Elaborate.” Eris waves our joined hands expectantly.
“Like I said, he’s someone who doesn’t see the grass on the other side as greener because he’s always excited to water his own grass.
” I hesitate, but push myself to keep talking, to get to the feelings Eris won’t stop asking for.
“The issue was that I wanted flowers, for both of us, and Allie. And not just a little garden, I wanted fields of wildflowers. For me, and him, and her, and for us, and I pushed him to dream more.” I sigh.
“Turns out, he was never a dreamer, but he respected my dreams more than I did. When I got cold feet about leaving, he broke up with me so he wouldn’t hold me back.
Told me to spread my gay little wings and move to Chicago and go save the world.
” I clench my jaw. I hate talking about this, because how dare Matt make that decision for me?
And why could I not make that decision for myself?
After the accident, I was filled with determination to live life to the fullest, to not miss a moment, to make all my dreams come true.
But other than Matt, no one else wanted me to live it.
Everyone in Solberg, including my parents, insisted on keeping me safe, fencing in all my ambition under the guise of protection.
I let them mow me down. Applying to law school was a seed burst from a moment of anger, fortunate to sprout in my simmering resentment.
Only Matt watered it, even when I was ready to let it wither.
“Did you know he was in love with Allie?” Eris asks.
I shook my head. “I don’t think he was, not yet.
She was in love with him, though she never admitted it.
When he broke up with me, I left right away because a clean break would let them figure their shit out sooner.
They deserve each other, and Allie only had a three-month internship before she ran out of excuses to stay, and this was her chance for a happier life than she would have if she moved back in with her family. ”
Eris sits silently before quietly asking, “Did they know you’re in love with her, too?”
“I’m not.” I shake my head, unwilling to ask how ze figured out a secret I never shared with anyone, one I’ve barely admitted to myself.
Even in the throes of my guilt and confusion about the girl who stole my heart freshman year, when it was supposed to belong to Matt and Matt alone.
“Not anymore, anyway. I love them both, but I’m no longer in love with either of them.
When Matt and I were still together, I hinted at it sometimes.
But Matt is built for monogamy, and Allie is too straight to consider me a possibility. ”
Eris hums sympathetically. “This is the most tragic love triangle. You want a triad, but they form a line without you.”
I laugh, and it sounds wetter than I want.
But Eris’s thumb swipes over my knuckles again, and the ache in my chest eases.
“Exactly. But I’ve had two years to process it, and trips home during breaks, so we’ve hung out enough to get comfortable again.
I am genuinely happy for them, and they still love me, just in a new way. ”
Eris’s hum sounds strangely like my mother’s when she’s about to change the subject. “So, how was the sex, then? Missionary, no talking? Did he give trash head? Try to stick it in the back without prep and pretend it was an accident?”
“What the fuck, Eris?” I laugh, relieved to lighten the mood. “It was fine!”
“Fine?”
“Fine!” I know Eris is waiting for more, because fine is never fine. “Just a little tame. Mostly missionary, more kissing than talking, and only the nice things that nice guys say during sex. Head was good, but he was not remotely interested in anal, for him or me.”
“Oh, Bambi. You poor thing,” Eris teases.
“I know. I shouldn’t complain. Like, he was really generous and…nice.”
“No, no, I wasn’t being sarcastic!” Eris tsks. “You can complain about that! Sounds vanilla as hell. Did you ever tell him you wanted more?”
“Yeah, I asked him to try dirty talk.” I fight a smile at the memory. “He got as far as calling me a good girl when I blew him, but that ended when I came out a non-binary. We couldn’t find a good alternative.”
Ze chuckles knowingly. “What did he call you?”
I sigh. “He called me a good person.”
Eris’s shrieking cackle makes me laugh, even though it shouldn’t because Matt tried so hard. He just never understood what I was asking for. It’s a little funny in hindsight, but it was painfully awkward then.
When we can breathe again, Eris pulls my hand to zis face, resting zis cheek against it. The stubble scrapes my palm, and I flex my hand to cup zis jaw more firmly. “So what, you wanted him to call you a little slut and spank you?”
“Not necessarily, but that would have been cool.” I squirm, skin hot.
But if Eris and I are going to fake happiness, this stuff might be useful.
“Just… I didn’t need for him to whisper that he loved me in my ear every time he came.
Like, it was sweet, and sometimes the mood was right for that.
But again, we’re back to how I wanted more, and he couldn’t give that to me. So he let me go.”
Eris’s lips press to my wrist, sucking on my pulse oh so lightly. The flutter against my skin makes it hard to breathe, my binder growing constricting instead of comforting. “So he never told you to get on your knees and choke on his cock?”
That deep gravelly voice, saying those words…
My muscles clench from my thighs to my shoulders, and the car veers onto the shoulder. The rumble strips are loud beneath the tires until I jerk us back to center. “I’m trying to drive!” Burning hot, I try to yank my hand away.
Eris holds on tight. “But, Bambi, you blush so pretty.”
I wince, quickly masking it, but Eris sees. Of course, Eris sees.
“Not pretty?”
I shake my head, eyes trained on the car ahead of me, not sure I want to see the expression on Eris’s face. To see if ze’s truly flirting, or simply mocking me. “Not cute, either.”
“Not pretty, not cute. Cool.” Eris finally lets go of my hand. Reluctantly, I bring it back to the steering wheel. My palm and fingers are cold. Strange, when the rest of my body is still blazing. “That gives me enough to work with.”
“Work with?” Why do I sound out of breath?
“Enough to whisper in your ear when people are looking, enough to put any doubts to rest that we’re not really together.”
Oh. Right. My chest tightens with embarrassment, and I don’t want to think about what the empty drop of my stomach really means.
“It’s a shame, though,” Eris says. “When a relationship that should work doesn’t because of incompatibility. Same thing happened with me and Stella.”
Like ice water, I’m doused with the reminder that I barely know Eris. “You dated Stella?”
Eris hums. “A few years ago. We didn’t last long.
I’m not as vanilla as your Matt, but by queer standards, I’m barely kinky.
And Stella is pretty hardcore, like extreme masochism, degradation, pup play, that sort of thing.
We tried, but we couldn’t find common ground, so we decided to stay friends instead.
They just moved in with their handler though, so everything worked out well for them. ” Ze shrugs.
“Stella?” I sputter. They’re so timid, but I have no reason to doubt Eris, so I just add that to the very short list of facts I know about Stella. “Is that why you’re so mean to them?”
Eris’s gasp is offended. “I am not mean to them! They’re such a brat all the time!”
“How? Last time we went to brunch, they said something poetic and wise, and you threw your napkin at them.”
“That was not poetic and wise—what the fuck? They were…” Eris growls in annoyance. “You know what? Never mind. Sure. Stella is poetic and wise, and I’m a raging dick! Let’s go with that!”
“If you have a diff—”
“Nope. Let’s change the subject.”
“Fine.” I replay our conversation, wondering what to ask. “Give me something, too?”
“Give you something, what?”
I mull over my words, wondering how to even the playing field without sounding desperate, even though I want to turn Eris into a squirming mess too. “What do I need to whisper in your ear, so people believe us?”
“Oh my god, I hate you.” Eris lets out a strangled sigh. “Do not tell anyone this, but I kind of have a praise kink.”
“You?” I laugh, but stop when Eris doesn’t join me. “Sorry. That’s not funny?”
“No, I get it,” Ze scoffs. “Like I said, I’m emotionally repulsive as a defense mechanism. So when people aren’t repelled… It’s nice.” Eris’s hands go back to twisting zis hemline, and I fight the urge to reach out, to take them in mine again instead.
“So, you want me to say you look pretty in that dress?” I ask, somewhat hesitantly. “Or that I like your laugh?”
Eris is quiet for a moment. “Only if you mean it. Like, don’t lie.”
“I do,” I glance over to see Eris staring hard at zis lap, delighting at how much ze is fidgeting from a mere hesitant compliment, as ze crosses and recrosses zis legs at the ankle. “Thank you for coming with me, Eris. I’m glad you’re here, that we’re doing this together.”
“Oh my god, stop.” The light brown skin behind the scattered stars along zis cheekbones flushes, zis lips pressed between zis teeth.
Determined to see how flustered I can make zim this weekend, I start silently listing ways I might praise Eris, a smug smile on my face.
Surprisingly, considering how much energy I’ve dedicated to analyzing everything I don’t like about zim, the things I appreciate about Eris flow like a spring, and I add compliment after compliment to my mental list.