Chapter 15
Fifteen
After
The ride home is quiet but comfortable.
We check out of the hotel (leaving an obscene tip for housekeeping on the nightstand), and stop by my parents’ house on our way out of Solberg. Eris is impressed with their homegrown strain, so I text them to ask what it actually is.
Dad hasn’t changed it much since the eighties, so they don’t remember. But once I open the communication floodgates, Mom fills me in with a string of replies that Eris can have some seeds, and also my dad saw a roadrunner, and also I need to send her pictures from the wedding.
We take a dozen seeds for Eris to experiment with, and I restock my stash, in exchange for a picture of us dressed up for the wedding from yesterday, and another of us with Matt and Allie.
After refilling the bird feeders, I check on the chickens, giving Eris ample time to fawn over the grow setup in the basement.
Part of me doesn’t want to leave, and yet I’m the one rushing us back into the car to get back on the road.
Our conversations are quiet, but sparse.
I get the feeling that Eris, like me, doesn’t really want the drive to end, or the conversations that come after it.
Taking the backroads, I take us through the Driftless Area, showing Eris the winding roads along the bluffs where the forest creates a tunnel of sun-dappled shade.
We stop for a long lunch at a cafe, instead of fast food in the car like we did on the drive out. Eris drives the second half of the trip, and I spend most of my time as the passenger with zis hand on my thigh, pointing out the birds I see.
“Can I ask a question?” I ask as we cross over the glacial moraine back to the Lake Michigan lobe, almost back to home and what comes “after”.
“No.”
I ask anyway. “Why did you pick ze zim as your pronouns?”
Eris groans. “Goddammit, Bambi, I was so close!”
“What?”
“Stella and I were betting if you’d get up the courage to ask again.”
“Bitch, you bet on me?” I smack zis arm with a laugh.
“We’ve had a running bet going for almost two years, and I won every time up until now. They were sure you’d work up the courage by the time we got back, but I thought I terrified you too much the first time you asked that there was no way!”
I scoff. “I was not terrified! You said it was none of my fucking business, so I was minding my own fucking business, and now I feel like I’m allowed in your fucking business.”
Eris laughs. “I love fucking with you, dude. You take everything so literally, it’s hilarious. Adrienne was so pissed, she thought I’d scared you off.”
I roll my eyes. “Are you gonna answer the question or not?”
“Yeah, yeah, chill out.” Eris merges into the left lane to pass a semi.
“I started using they them back in college, but my friends all said it was too confusing because of the ‘they is plural’ bullshit and never bothered. And they them didn’t really fit me either.
” Eris pats my thigh. “No offense, but they them is too…quiet for me. I present fem, but I’m also masc, and I’m obnoxious and loud, and I love that about me.
I don’t want to be anything inauthentically me, and my body is part of who I am, and I don’t want to change it.
That’s why I stay hairy and don’t pitch up my voice or anything.
” Eris pauses, then adds, “You and Stella, you both blend in better. Not saying that you’re any less you or anything, but the way you express yourself is more accepted than mine. ”
I nod, because that’s part of the reason I find Eris so interesting. Zis unabashed, stubborn pride in zimself has always made me envious. Even though I am not naturally a loud person, I aspire to zis confidence in rocking the boat.
“Anyway, I lost the bullshit friends, and I tried out different neopronouns instead that reflect me better. Like, most people look at me and see a man in a dress and makeup.”
“You’re not a man in a dress,” I murmur, tracing the back of zis fingers on my thigh. “You’re Eris.”
Eris shoots me a grin, squeezing my thigh, and my heart thumps in my chest. “I appreciate that you don’t see me that way.
But that doesn’t change that most people do, and I can’t control anyone’s perception but my own.
So if I get to fuck with their idea of what men look like, so be it.
I’ve learned to embrace that and take pride in that, so ze zim zis fits where I’m at right now.
My masculinity has been zhuzhed up into something unrecognizable that makes people uncomfortable, and I love that. ”
The rest of the drive continues like that, sharing all the things we want to know about each other, flirting through roasting each other, and exchanging smiles.
By the time Eris pulls into the parking lot of the dispensary, where ze lives in an apartment upstairs, my cheeks ache from laughing, but my heart is in my stomach.
I don’t want the “now” to end, and the “after” to begin.
I’m quietly terrified that Eris will withdraw, pretend this weekend never happened to protect zis heart.
But I need to find out what “after” looks like if ze doesn’t.
So after I help Eris get zis bags out of the back, I pull zim close into a hug before ze can withdraw and hide inside. “Thank you for everything, Eris.”
“You, too, Blake.” Patting my back, Eris tries to step away. But I cling tight, counting to five under my breath. “What are you doing?” ze asks.
“Waiting until we’ve been home for longer than five seconds before asking you out.”
To my delight, Eris cackles. “Goddammit, you take everything so literally.”
“Yeah, aspiring lawyer, remember?” I tease.
Eris huffs and pulls me tight against zim. The tote bags bang against my knees as ze rises on zis tiptoes to kiss me, lips crushing against mine. “It’s so fucking annoying, Bambi.”
“You like it.” I grin and kiss zim back.
“Ugh, just lock your damn car.” Handing me the bags, Eris waits until my car beeps to pick me up and carry me into zis building. My laugh comes out as a squeal as I wrap my legs around zis waist and cling to zim harder than ever.
Eris can pretend to be annoyed all ze wants, but I see how the star field scattered across zis cheeks flushes.
The way those doe eyes widen when I kiss zis cheek.
The smirk highlighted by those snakebite scars before ze presses zis lips against mine.
I see through Eris, just like ze sees through me.
Ze was just as scared as me, scared I’d forget everything we’ve shared this weekend and revert to the lost recluse I’ve been for the past two years.
But I’m done shaping my life around everyone else. No more people-pleasing, no more letting anyone make my decisions, even out of spite. I have to live my life for me, all-encompassing and unshrinkable and unapologetic.
More than anything, I want to prove to Eris that I meant every word last night: I’m not going anywhere, whatever our future holds.
I want to break free of the cluttered gloom of my life, for Eris to show me the friendship and laughter, warmth and love I’ve been missing out on.
I want to leave behind the spiteful shell I’ve planted myself in, step into the sun, and see what blooms from these petty roots.