Chapter 22
“AFTERNOON, SIERRA!” a young woman with a large discoloration on one side of her cheek, pulling on her mouth and nose, called as she joined the Zoom call. She looked young—maybe eighteen or nineteen. Her long hair was pulled back in box braids. She had on long bright-blue feathered earrings.
“Hey, Shauna! I like those earrings!” the other woman responded. Erik supposed she was Sierra. She had a wide smile. Sierra’s face was awkwardly bent around her cheekbones. Her nose was quite prominent and she wore hearing aids. She looked to be in her mid-to late-thirties. She wore dark-rimmed glasses and deep-red lipstick.
“Evan in the house!” A man in his mid-twenties cupped his oddly shaped hands to his mouth as if making a megaphone. His forehead was large, and his eyes were far apart. He was wearing a Tampa Bay Lightning Jersey that had what looked to be smeared ketchup on it.
“John here.” John was an older man in his sixties. Like Erik, he was missing his nose. “Is that all of us today?”
“Nope—we got a lurker,” Evan said. “Please come on camera! Nothing to fear—just us freaks here. ”
Erik hesitated, his finger hovering over the mouse. His heart was pounding. Was he really doing this? He had to do this. Reza threatened to cut him off if he didn’t make good on his promise to get help. And he needed help—desperately. He knew that…now.
“If we’re all on camera, you gotta be on too,” Shauna called, her voice friendly. “It’s trial by fire here.” She paused and took on a gentler tone. “We don’t bite. I promise.”
Determined, he clicked his camera on. It was the quickest he’d ever exposed his face to strangers. He closed his eyes momentarily, waiting for comments. They all looked at him, patiently waiting for him to introduce himself.
“My name is Erik. It’s my first time in a support group.”
“Good to meet you, Erik!” Sierra smiled again, putting him at ease. “Where are you from?”
“Um, New York City, Manhattan. You?”
“St. Augustine, Florida,” Evan said.
“Vermont,” John called out.
Shauna was from Minneapolis, and Sierra lived in Seattle.
“Now we just need someone from California, and we’ve got someone from all four corners of the contiguous states.” Shauna brought her hands together and rubbed back and forth.
“Shauna is infatuated with California. She wants to live there,” Sierra explained.
“If you lived in Minnesota in January, you would dream of California, too.”
“I want to hear Erik’s story. What brings you here, Erik?” Sierra asked.
The speed of the conversation disoriented Erik. He hadn’t been sure what to expect. He’d seen movies and television shows with support groups, but they always seemed so dark and serious. This had the vibe of a long-distance holiday party. He expected people more like himself, depressed and barely holding on. These people were…happy? Reasonably well-adjusted?
“I mean—besides the obvious?” he asked as he waved in the direction of his scars.
“Oh, you’re a newbie, aren’t you?” Evan asked.
“The car accident that did this was thirteen years ago,” he responded stiffly.
“That’s nothing, Sierra and I have looked this attractive our whole lives.”
“Evan, stop it,” Shauna chided. “Erik, sometimes our injuries bring us here, but usually something deeper causes us to reach out and get support from the community. You can share it with us whenever you want to, but there’s no pressure if you’d rather just listen today.”
“What do you usually talk about?” He didn’t even know where to start. He wanted to just watch or ‘lurk,’ as they stated, during his first session.
“Depends on the session. Sometimes, we talk about dating and relationships. We talk about how our faces can affect our careers. Sometimes, we talk about treatments or health-related issues. Last time, we talked about Evan having to go into the office after his company changed its policy from remote to in-person,” Shauna explained.
“I started the job during COVID. The team here helped me strategize how to handle the looks and questions.” His smile faded somewhat. “We don’t have the easiest lot in life, but that’s why it’s so important to rely on each other and take the joy where we find it.”
“How did it go, Evan?” John asked.
“Good and bad. Erik, I have Apert syndrome. A lot of people who see me automatically assume I have an intellectual disability. It was great when I worked remotely because I could let my work speak for itself. My job didn’t call for Zoom meetings. When I first walked into the office, I got a couple of looks, and one receptionist talked to me slowly, as if I were a child. Then this big guy who ran the HR department came down and put his hand on my shoulder. He had a big chunk missing from his skull after having had a brain tumor removed the year prior. He’s lucky to be alive. Anyway, he took me around and introduced me to everyone. By the end of the day, I got invited to drinks with the team I’d worked with for the last couple of years. We went to a bar with pub trivia and came in second place.”
“You still seem torn,” Sierra noticed.
“It went as good as it could’ve gone. But I think about that guy from HR. What if he was just a normal dude? Would he have been half as welcoming?”
“Evan, focusing on the reality is more important,” Shauna offered. “You can’t know if he would’ve treated you differently. All you know is he treated you with respect.”
“You’re right as usual, Shauna.” He winked and blew her a kiss, and she blushed rosily.
“Erik, what do you do in New York City?” Sierra asked. “I’ve never been, but I’ve always wanted to go.”
“I own an investment firm.” He racked his brain for something interesting to add. “And I like music. I play piano and compose.”
“Another musician! John plays the violin,” Sierra said.
“We’ll have to talk composers sometime when it won’t bore everyone else to tears.”
“What made you dial in today?” Evan asked.
“Evan—give the man some space. He’s clearly easing into this,” Shauna warned.
“No, it’s okay. There are two things. I’m in the early stages of cosmetic treatment, and my doctor said I needed to join a support group or see a therapist or she wouldn’t treat me. When she told me, I went off the deep end a bit. I was a real asshole to my friends and family.”
“Can you elaborate?” John asked.
“I shut them out. I crawled into a bottle of whiskey for the better part of two weeks and ignored their calls and visits. Oh, and I broke up with my girlfriend, who I’m crazy about and who now won’t speak to me.”
“Have you apologized at all?” Sierra asked.
“I have. And they’ve all been gracious about forgiving me except Christine, and I can’t blame her. The others were around when I had the accident. They’ve been supportive this whole time, but—do you ever feel like you get to a point when you rely on your friends and family too much and use them as an excuse to not…?”
“Do things for yourself?” Shauna asked.
“Get out of your own way?” John offered.
“Exactly. It’s not their fault, but I was such a mess after the accident that they all kind of filled in the gaps, and I just stopped trying.”
Shauna spoke up. “Evan and Sierra have had their facial differences their whole lives. I was the victim of an acid attack on the playground at age ten. John lost his nose to cancer only three years ago. We know how that change in circumstances can cause prolonged mourning.”
“Speak for yourself; it’s only been three years for me,” John replied. “But Shauna is right. It’s hard, no matter if the issue is congenital or traumatic. But when it’s traumatic, it changes how we experience the world. That’s tough for all of us. But Erik, thirteen years is too long to lock yourself away. It’s a good first step that you’re looking to get help.”
“For a long time, I figured I didn’t deserve to be helped because I was so certain I brought this on myself. I have a bad temper—I shouldn’t have gotten in the car that night.”
“You think you deserve what happened to you? That’s so fucked up!” Evan said. “Does that mean we all deserved this too?” He wasn’t angry, but he forced Erik to examine the absurdity of the statement.
“That’s the problem when you’re the center of your world for too long.” Sierra shook her head. “You think fate is focused on your struggles. The accident was something that happened to you, but not for any grand reason. No one was punishing you with the accident that took your face. Evan and I lost the genetic lottery. Shauna was the victim of a lunatic. John got sick. You got into a car accident. It’s not my fault. It’s not their fault, and it’s certainly not yours.”
“If you’re all so healthy, why are you in this group?”
They all laughed.
“Defensive, this one!” John chuckled. “You’re still mentally stuck at the age this happened. This screams teenage tantrum.”
“We’re all here because we can make peace with our situations but still need help navigating the day-to-day. Sometimes we all need to vent when something happens that pisses me…er…us off!” Shauna elaborated.
“Like scaring the shit out of a stoner Christmas tree salesman while trying to buy a tree with your girlfriend?”
There was a moment of silence, and then they all laughed long and loud. Suddenly, the undeniable urge to laugh proved too strong to resist, and he did so along with them.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Sierra was laughing. “Just the way you said that was really funny. Say more!”
“I thought he was gonna piss himself. ‘Where’s your nose? Where’s your nose?’” Erik wiped at his eyes, but the tears were from joy. It reminded him of how he and Christine laughed about his youthful antics at the recital.
“That’s why we’re here, Erik. There are tears and laughter, and sometimes we just talk about which therapies look promising for us or get opinions on the next steps.” There was warmth in Sierra’s gaze.
“Like Sierra wants to do IVF, and she and her husband are trying to figure out how to finance it,” Evan added.
“You’re married, Sierra?” Erik was shocked.
“Don’t be so surprised! You had a girlfriend. It is possible to be both visibly different and in a healthy relationship. They’re not mutually exclusive ideas.”
“I fucked it up. I’d like to win her back if possible. That’s part of why I’m here—to be more for her by being better to myself.”
“Well, welcome to the squad. We’re glad to have you.” John nodded.