CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
T HERE'S A LITTLE MORE THAN a week until The Choosing and we still haven’t gained access to the restricted section in the library. We have officially given up trying to find a way around the magick imbued on the doors. We did, however, find a way around not being able to train my powers: by doing it in the training yard with a twist. I made sure to watch the others and ask questions, making it seem more like curiosity about their magick. It’s like learning without doing. I will just have to make sure that when I leave, I’m able to practice along the way to wherever I’m going. Although, the closer we get to the end of year one, the more my nerves keep building up. Telling them I’m leaving is one thing… asking them to come with me is another.
Physical Training has been even more relentless than normal, yet Sergeant Craven has backed off on his constant verbal assault. Driscol won’t even look my way. In fact, he stays as far away as he possibly can without being overly suspicious, and Verlice—Jesper—has been acting strange, too. He’s somehow more distant than he was, and clingy at the same time.
I half expected him to question me and demand answers about what happened in the bathroom that night, but he never did. My face heats up thinking about that one small moment we had right before Nero tried to claim a prize. The memory of him shirtless lives in my head and always seems to pop up at the least opportune time. But I can’t help thinking of his fingers lingering on my neck and collarbones. It’s completely ridiculous to be thinking that way about him, especially after being attacked, and thinking about him even after he’s been with Cresida. A shiver of disgust rips across my skin and bile builds in my throat.
Just like that, the fantasy recedes, for now.
“ Why don’t you just talk to him? ” Nero teases, catching wind of my thoughts. He hops along my arm up to the table in front of me from my shoulder.
Using my middle finger and thumb, I fling a berry from my plate at him, which he catches with his beak. “ Because, there’s no point. He was just helping me in the moment. He was just doing fates-know what with Cresida, and I’m leaving in a little over a week. I’ll probably never see him again. ”
He rolls his eyes at me and waddles towards me with all the sass he can muster. “ Exactly, you’re leaving soon. What’s the harm with testing the waters before you leave? You’re only young once, Rav. ”
“Nope, not having this conversation with you,” I tell him out loud, earning a couple amused looks from our table.
My squad has got more than used to me having one-sided conversations with Nero. I’m quite sure they even enjoy them.
“And what conversation are we not having with our little feathered friend?” Roz teases as he places both hands under his chin, blinking innocently at me.
Melissandre snickers, playing with her dual-coloured braid, twisting it around her finger. “Probably Sergeant Verlice again. I heard her arguing with Nero the other day about it.”
Bracken scoffs, dropping his fork loudly on his plate. “So he helped her, what’s there to even argue about? He’s not even attractive with that messed-up eye.”
An inconceivable wrath forms in the pit of my gut. “Scars don’t define a male, or a female for that matter. Just because you can see the battles from the ugly they’ve faced in life doesn’t mean they aren’t great fae at their core.” I shove myself up from the table, my half-finished supper left to go to waste because I can’t find it in me to stomach it right now.
“I didn’t mean you, Rav,” he stutters, also rising to his feet, but Gregor pulls him back down and shakes his head.
I turn to my friends, grinding my teeth. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll meet you down at the training yard in a bit.”
They nod their heads, telling me to stay safe, but I can see their worry.
“You should take one of us with you,” Ember advises, her eyes darting over to Bracken and then Banshee One and Two.
My head shakes roughly back and forth. “I’ll be fine. I just need to have a moment alone. But I do want to talk to you guys later about something,” I hedge, and when she nods, I take off for the dining hall doors.
The need to move and expel this pent up energy is almost making my skin itch, and the darkened halls feel like they’re closing in on me. One step after another, I navigate the halls of Phixmery and before I know it, I’m standing in front of a familiar door.
The library.
We may have given up, but maybe—it would be a risk—but I could ask the librarian about the Skuggi fae. I mean, she likes me, and loves Nero. We’ve been in here so often, scouring the shelves for any shred of information, that I feel like I could help her run it. It’s become a place of comfort here within the walls of this castle.
Placing my hand on the familiar wooden door, I push it open and step through, inhaling the relaxing scent of decaying parchment. I follow the well-worn path towards the desk you can usually find the librarian at, and a small, nearly forced smile tugs at the corner of my mouth.
She glances up and when she sees us she places her quill down. “Cadet Solace, Nero, it’s so good to see you tonight. What can I help you two with?”
I come to a halt, and Nero glides down off my shoulder to greet the older female, who coos and gently strokes his plumage. “I have an interesting question that I can’t seem to find any answers for here.”
She glances up, a curious glint entering her silver eyes. “And what would that be?”
I force myself from shuffling nervously and instead blurt it out, not the whole truth but a twisted version of it to make it seem more innocent and less conspicuous. “Well, we’re fighting a war against Vathia, home of the Skuggi fae. So why can’t I find anything on their magick and how to counter it or fight against it? It seems odd that at a military academy, we wouldn’t have that information to study.”
She hums, tapping her nails along the desk. “It’s normal for first years to get curious about that. To be honest, I’m not sure why the Lords forbid the information to be public. But I can tell you what little we do know. It’s usually taught in your third year before you begin going on smaller missions, so I don’t see the harm in sharing this information with you.” She smiles softly. “After getting to know you two, I know you have good hearts and wouldn’t use knowledge callously.”
After getting to know her this past year, I’ve discovered that she’s a stickler for rules and she is a big believer of knowledge being power. Most cadets come through here looking for ways to beat their opponents or to become more powerful without thinking of the consequences on others. Once you get past her cantankerous exterior, she’s quite kind.
“Is it that bad?”
She shakes her head at my question. “Nothing is ever good or bad, it just depends on how it’s used.” She gives me a look like I should already know this. “Skuggi fae have power over shadows and some even say dreams, although they’ve been pretty quiet with how it all works. They say that they use shadows to travel, that they can pull you in, twist your dreams into things of nightmares so brutal that you’ll die in your sleep.” She shrugs with a playful smile. “But the Skuggi I knew a long time ago were some of the kindest fae I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”
My mouth hangs slightly ajar. Am I really capable of all that? I swallow. “How would an Elemi fae survive against that? How would any of us?”
She nods like it’s a perfectly reasonable question. “The fae of Vathia can only use their magick in the presence of shadows or darkness. I’m sure having the ability to wield flame would help. Would it not?” She raises a perfectly arched silver brow.
A soft chuckle leaves my lips. “Of course, how silly of me to forget that.”
“Is there anything else you wanted to know?” she asks.
Of course, I want to answer. How would I wield it, or stop it from appearing without practicing? But unfortunately I’ll have to find those answers far outside of Phixmery. “No, I think you’ve fixed my curiosity about the subject, thank you.”
“ Well that was somehow both useful and useless at the same time, ” Nero announces as he hops off her desk and lands back on my shoulder.
“ Well it was something at least. We probably wouldn’t have even received that information from her if we didn’t spend all our time here, ” I remind him before saying farewell to the librarian.
Just as I’m about to open the door to leave, someone pushes on it and I barely dodge out of the way.
“There you are. I thought I’d find you in here,” Bracken says as he holds the door open. “I wanted to apologize for my words earlier.”
My hand instantly lands on my fire starter and Nero caws in annoyance, his plumage puffing up as he hisses. “I’m not sure I want to talk to you right now, Bracken,” I start sourly.
“ Or ever ,” Nero adds.
My mood I’ve just barely got back under control comes to a boil again as I storm past him, determined to ignore his existence and hopefully work this rage off in the training yard. Maybe with a couple straw dummies on fire, or crushed between layers of earth. Yes, that sounds extremely satisfying right now.
“Ravina, wait!” he bellows, his boots thudding heavily against the stone floor as he catches up to me. He grabs my arm, forcing me to stop.
I shove him off me. “Don’t touch me.”
“Would you just listen for a moment? Please?” he asks, raking his fingers through his hair and pulling at the strands.
I wait, crossing my arms, twirling the striking stick around my fingers as a warning and then gesture for him to continue, not trusting my mouth. Only a week more to go after tonight… Only a week more to go.
“I just wanted to apologize for how it came out. I meant nothing about your scars. I know how strong you are. I was there for each and every one you received, remember? I made sure you were never alone.”
My eye twitches at the memory of him standing there like a coward while they mauled my flesh with iron, but he doesn’t notice as he pushes on.
“Verlice got that Scar because he’s a disgrace to his family. The only reason why he’s still heir to the Lord’s title is because he’s his father’s only son. It was basically the same thing as what you did to Cresida and her friend. Don’t you see? It was just a misunderstanding,” he explains triumphantly, like he didn’t just dig his own grave.
My power crackles inside me as wind whips around the hall and the water in the nearby fountain begins to bubble, spilling over the edge, coming towards us. Shadows dance at the corner of my eyes as I give into the wrath building in my veins. “You think I’m mad at you because of a misunderstanding? No. It’s because you’re a vain coward. Because you think you can push me around to—to what? Become my chosen mate? Let me spell it out for you very clearly: I’m not interested in you. At this point I don’t want to even be your friend. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really did. But to go after Verlice because you’re jealous he helped me after getting attacked?
“Where were you if you ‘ cared ’ about me? Huh? Why didn’t you stop anything that happened in Shalo? Stay the hell away from me, Bracken. Go crawl back to Cresida. You two belong together,” I snap, placing my hand against the wall and manipulating the stones under his feet to push him further away from me because if I touched him right now with how I’m feeling, I don’t think I’d be able to stop until he was dead, and I won’t have that on my conscience.
He gapes at me in awe as he glances around the hall. “You have all four elements.”
He takes a step towards me and his words sink in: the realization that I lost control. Panic digs into my throat, suffocating me.
“ Rav, it’s fine. You didn’t use any other magick types. You didn’t reveal yourself to him ,” Nero assures me, but his voice sounds distant.
I feel Bracken grab my arm and I see his mouth moving, but I don’t hear the words before a blur of dark skin and red hair pushes him out of the way, knocking me slightly out of my stupor.
“Don’t fucking touch her again, Cadet Levine. She told you to leave her alone,” Verlice snaps as he stands between me and my squad mate.
“She was fine, she didn’t need your ‘ saving ’. I had it handled,” he shouts back.
Verlice’s slim yet wide shoulder shakes as he laughs, throwing back his head. “You wouldn’t be able to save her if you orchestrated the situation yourself. Now, do we need to take this to the training yard? Or are you going to be an obedient little bitch and go back to your chamber and I won’t inform Sergeant Craven of this and have your whole squad put on poop duty at the stables?” He leans in. “I saw you signed up to be a Dragon Rider. At least next term we won’t have to deal with you.”
Bracken says nothing, and when I stand at Verlice’s side I see Bracken’s fists clenched, his eyes glowing with hatred. But then it’s like a mask falls into place when he glances at me. “That’s fine. I’ll win her over. She won’t want a bastard as a mate, anyway,” he spits before turning away and heading down the hall away from the training yard.
I blow out a breath and go to thank the male next to me, but he laughs and winks. “We really have to stop meeting like this,” he teases, shocking me.
I blink and then blurt out, “Well at least I’m clothed this time.”
His mismatched green eyes heat as they drag down my frame. “Unfortunately,” he murmurs softly. By the time his gaze finally meets mine again, I feel more bare than I felt that day in the bathing room. “Can I escort you anywhere?”
“Why are you always around lately when things go sideways?” I ask instead, not being able to help it.
Nero’s head is volleying back and forth as he watches us, amused.
Jesper’s lip twitches as he cocks his head slightly to the side. “Why don’t you tell me why you have a necklace on that isn’t uniform—don’t worry, it will be our little secret—and I’ll share mine with you.”
My hand instantly flies to my throat, clutching the pendant tightly. I know he’s seen it, and if he hasn’t said anything since then, then I’m positive he won’t now. So I go with the most simple response I can think of. “My mother gave it to me when I was younger. I never take it off. It’s all I have left of her.”
He swallows hard, like he wasn’t expecting me to answer, but he whispers, taking a step closer and trailing a single, calloused finger along my jaw to my chin. “I can’t seem to stay away from you, Little Mouse. If I could spend my days knowing every little thing there is to know about you, your past, I would. And I hate myself for it some days, but I can’t seem to stand when someone hurts you.”
“ I like him ,” Nero states succinctly, like his word is law.
My mouth is dry. I don’t have a response for what he said. How does one even respond to something like that? Did… Did he just admit to stalking me? Why am I not mad about this?
“ Probably because you like him ,” Nero sasses.
I pinch his beak shut. “Enough out of you,” I whisper to my feathered familiar, which causes Jesper to smile.
“Can I walk you back to your tower?” Jesper asks, gesturing down the hall towards the South Tower.
“Actually, I’m meeting some of my squad in the training yard for some practice.” I freeze, realizing that if he’s been following me, he might have seen that little display back there. “I—my magick. Please don’t say anything,” I state, sounding not as demanding as I want.
“You have mastery over four elements. Don’t worry, my wing won’t say anything until you’re ready,” he says a little too casually, with a knowing and hopeful glint in his gaze that I don’t understand. “Come on. Let’s get you to your squad.”
He begins walking, and it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts before I chase after him. “Why won’t you say anything?”
His shoulders rise and then drop. “I figure you have your reasons. But I would come out with it in second year if Levine survives. I don’t trust him not to blab.” He levels me with a knowing look and all I can do is nod back.
Why do I have a feeling that this is going to bite me in the ass?
JESPER DROPS ME off at the field. The sun is nearly gone. Torches and sconces are already lit in preparation for the night. I run to catch up with the four I’ve grown close to.
Ember notices me first and meets me halfway. “Are you okay? You were gone longer than we thought you were going to be. We sent Lennox to search for you.”
“Was that Sergeant Verlice with you? Did he walk you here?” Roz asks, his gaze bouncing between me and the now empty doorway leading into the castle.
“Yeah, just ran into Bracken. Jesper stepped in—”
Melissandre nudges me in the arm. “Jesper, huh?”
I roll my eyes, forcing down the smile that wants to take root at my creepy stalker-Sergeant. I think I may need mental help if that doesn’t bother me. “Anyway, Jesper stepped in after I lost it on him and ended up exposing the fact I have use of all four elements… and then he walked me here.”
The three of them start speaking all at one.
“Okay. No. We aren’t doing this. I’m not interested in him like that. I’m leaving, remember?” I whisper, raising my brows. “Which is something I wanted to talk to you guys about actually. Roz, can you go find Lennox? He should be here too.”
Roz nods and runs into the castle.
Ember goes to open her mouth, but I shake my head. “Just wait. Let’s practice some combat until they get back. I know the yard is practically empty but we should keep up appearances, and I could still use all the help I can get.”
Nero takes off, gliding over to Mel’s shoulder while he waits for me to be finished with my turn.
She nods and we move over to the sandpits that are thankfully still uncovered from snow. She and I get into position, and this time I strike first, but she parries the blow, taking a swipe for my face, which I block with my forearm. Using my small size to my advantage I go to swipe out her ankles and she falls but rolls away and rises back on her feet, hopping away while she searches for an opening.
We go back and forth, each of us getting hits in, but making sure to pull our punches.
After a few rounds with both of them, Lennox and Roz show back up, the latter looking relieved to see me okay. We move off to the side of the sandpits to greet them. Nero lands back on my shoulder and Mel passes me her canteen of water which I gulp down greedily.
“So what was it you wanted to talk to us about? You’ve got us a bit worried,” Melissandre asks as I hand her back what’s left of her water. She takes a few swigs herself before topping it off with fresh water she pulls from the snow.
I take a moment, searching each of their faces. They need to have this choice, I tell myself. I want them to come with me, as selfish as it is, but I won’t force them to leave, and it’s close enough to The Choosing that I can’t put it off any longer.
Taking a look around, I make sure no one is in hearing distance. “You know that I plan on leaving,” I whisper and they nod. “You can say no,” I state before continuing. “But I want to be selfish for a moment and ask if you four will leave with me. I still don’t have a plan on where I’m going. I’m thinking the most northern part of the Gratandi Mountains—I know them well. But if you want to stay here, I completely understand.”
I bite my lower lip, waiting for their answer, when Rozen laughs.
“I thought it was obvious we were going with you. Voids, Mel and Lennox have been stealing dried meats from the dinning hall and storing them in their bags for the journey,” he says, nudging the male next to him.
Ember actually smiles. “And it gives me every excuse not to go back home. I’m up for an adventure with you.”
Nero caws and nips my ear. “ I told you so. They’re good fae, Rav. ”
A warm feeling spreads through my chest. “You guys actually want to come?”
“Of course, Ravina. We told you, we got your back. I thought you knew that,” Mel teases and for the first time since Gretchen and Nero, I let myself feel the absence of loneliness and the hope that comes with it.
“Well if that’s the case, I’m going to need your help with one more thing before The Choosing.”