Chapter 14
Fourteen
Ayla
A s we talked, I had to be careful of my words. Meri kept asking me if I was sure about the women in quarantine. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I knew my mother had been a Dragon, but I wasn't sure if all women in there were from Lorsa. Meri insisted that maybe it was proof the Righteous hadn't lied.
She was trying to hold on to the security of what she knew. I understood that. Meri couldn't imagine anything except what she'd been taught in our sermons growing up. From what she'd eaten to where the hunters found the meat, it had all been twisted into some kind of sick and depraved story to make the Moles look like the good guys.
They weren't.
I also didn't want to upset her too much. Clearly, this was what the men had done with me when I'd first arrived - and it was hard! All I wanted to do was reassure her that everything was okay, but it really wasn't. I wanted to protect her in the only way I could, but that was no longer an option. So I tried to be gentle. I did my best to explain without highlighting the horrors. Mostly, I just begged her to trust me.
Eventually, Jeera and Brielle returned. I was pretty sure they'd dawdled to give me time to talk to Meri, and I'd needed it all. The half hour Jeera had said they'd be gone had become an hour and half. Not that I minded, because Meri had just as many questions for me as I had for her.
While they were out, Jeera and Brielle had made an appointment for us to see Naomi the next day, as promised. Over the lunch they'd brought back, we made plans to meet up for it. I'd only been to the clinic one time – and it had been my first day in Lorsa. I wasn't completely sure I could find my way back, so Jeera offered to pick me up.
The sun was just starting to set when Rymar returned to walk me home. As we made our way back, I told him all about Meri and how she was doing. Scared, yes, but she was adapting faster than I had. Probably because we could actually explain things to her. I'd been stuck with a language barrier.
But as I talked, my mind spun. I'd tried to tell Meri about quarantine, and while she did believe me about my mother, she kept trying to explain it away. She wasn't ready for the truth. Maybe some part of her was still hoping this was all a nightmare she'd wake up from?
I didn't know, but Zasen was right. Meri might know something. She could have information that would help us stop the Moles forever. Sadly, she'd avoided anything that had to do with Gideon, so I hadn't pushed. Just trying to accept Jeera and Brielle was currently a lot for her to handle. The horrors that were still coming?
They might break her.
I still had to tell her. The guys were right; Meri deserved to know why the Moles came here. She needed the chance to brace for what was coming. Hiding it from her wouldn't help at all, but neither would blindsiding her with it. Not if I wanted any information from her! Hopefully, I could eventually convince her this was all just one more lie the Righteous men had told her, but I had a feeling it would be worse when she found out what she'd been eating.
Since coming here, I'd learned enough different foods to identify a lot of the things we'd been fed back then. The vegetables had been mostly lettuce, beans, and grains. Barley and wheat, I was pretty sure, but there may have been oats as well. The tubers had been regular potatoes. The fungus was called a mushroom, but there were many kinds of those.
The meat was from men.
That was the biggest lie of all. It was why the Moles didn't want the women to see the carcasses until they were butchered and the meat had been cut from the bones. They claimed it was because women wouldn't be able to handle the blood, but I now knew better. They didn't want us to question why the meat fought back, to realize our men were the ones doing the attacking - not the other way around - or to even question the goodness of the Righteous. Because the men who called themselves that were the furthest thing from it.
Twice, as we walked, Rymar asked if I was okay. Once, he asked if Meri was still scared. I tried to answer him, yet I kept falling silent due to my thoughts. The man kept glancing over or even rubbing my shoulder in support. So once we made it back home, I decided this was one of those things I couldn't figure out on my own.
"Rymar?" I asked. "Can I talk to you? All of you?"
"Guys!" he bellowed.
I cringed, making him chuckle, but then he gestured for me to claim a seat. I took my usual chair while he headed into the kitchen. Zasen came out of his room and said he was glad I was back. Kanik came downstairs saying he'd missed me. Then Rymar returned from the kitchen to press a tall glass of cold tea into my hands.
"What's going on?" he asked, moving to sit on the couch beside Kanik .
I took a small sip, then decided there was no nice way to bring this up. "I feel like I'm lying to Meri about the Moles and I don't know what to do."
"Why do you feel like you're lying?" Zasen asked.
"Because when I tried to tell her about quarantine, she made excuses," I explained. "She tried to convince me it was only my mother, and when I brought up how women had been taken, she thought I was wrong. She insisted the Righteous wouldn't do that." I glanced down and added, "I didn't mention what we were fed."
"You don't want to tell her yet," Kanik realized.
Which made me grimace. "Meri's gentle," I told them. "She'd be horrified, and she's pregnant. I don't want to hurt the baby."
Rymar flicked a finger up. "How?"
"Stress," Zasen answered for me. "There's no prenatal care down there, so I'm sure high stress caused complications."
"And malnutrition," Kanik grumbled.
"And abuse!" Rymar nearly spat. "Ayla, I think stress is the least of the problems women face down there. I'm sure being smacked around by their husbands does a lot more damage."
"So upsetting her won't make her lose the baby?" I asked.
Zasen murmured at that. "Unlikely. With that said, she's in a fragile state right now because she's very underfed. Ayla, the baby takes nutrients, and you women aren't given enough. That means Meri's starving herself to grow her child. Her muscles are weak, and that can cause problems with the labor process."
"Oh."
"We'll take care of her," he assured me, "but she is fragile, and you need to understand that. You were too when we found you, but you've gained weight and muscle in the last few weeks."
"So I shouldn't tell her?" I asked.
"You have to," Kanik countered.
"You do," Zasen agreed. "The shock of Meri finding out like you did? It would be so much worse for her. I also think you women are a lot stronger than you've ever been allowed to believe."
"You survived the abuse," Rymar said gently. "Meri too. Both of you spent your entire lives being hurt and terrified every single day. I couldn't do that. Zasen can't even do that. Kanik? Well, he chose to be a teacher."
"Fuck off," Kanik said around a laugh. "And he's joking, Ayla. Teaching kids is nothing compared to what you two survived. It was a lot. I'm not saying that to make you feel weak. I'm saying that because you both overcame it. I think the raids are horrific, but every day down there was just as bad."
"Yeah," I agreed.
Zasen lifted a hand, pausing his friends. "Ayla, not telling Meri won't protect her. Telling her - while hard - will allow her to be ready for what's coming. And they are coming. "
"I know. I've been marking off the days on the calendar," I admitted. "I also know you need the information she might have."
"So the next time you see her -" Zasen started.
"Tomorrow," I broke in.
"What?" Rymar asked.
"Tomorrow, Jeera is going to come get me and help me find Naomi's clinic. We're going to have exams."
"Exams?" Zasen said. "I understand for Meri, but what are you getting an exam for?"
My eyes dropped to the ground. "Birth control. I feel like I shouldn't tell you that."
"We know about birth control," Rymar assured me. "You can tell us. It's fine, Ayla."
"It's just hard. Now that I've been talking to Meri? I have to speak the way she's used to, and in English, and it just makes switching back so hard."
Zasen leaned forward, catching my eyes. "It's okay. We get it. Men know about women's things. Women know about men's things. We also remember how delicate we had to be with you, and that wasn't easy. No different than calling the Moles the Righteous. We get it, Ayla."
Which let me sigh in relief. "Okay, because I'm a little nervous about it. I don't know what an exam is, but Meri needs one, so I'll have one too."
Zasen smiled at me as if he was proud. "It's embarrassing," he explained, "but mostly painless. Your exam will also be a little different from Meri's, because she's pregnant. For you, Mom will look at your genitals and body. She will check your vitals - like pulse and lung sounds. Then she'll have a discussion with you about options and probably give you a shot."
"And for Meri?" I asked.
"Mom will check the baby as well," he explained. "It's a lot of touching, and you'll both need to change into a smock that will let her look between your legs and under it. She has to see the body to make sure it's working properly, but she will explain every step."
"Okay," I breathed. "But when do I tell Meri about the meat? How do I tell her? I mean, I warned her that everything the men told us were lies, but that's not going to be enough!"
"Nothing will be enough," Kanik said, shifting over so he could rub my shoulder. "Ayla, I can't imagine what it's like for you. The difference is you can imagine what Meri will think, so trust yourself."
Rymar just shrugged. "I get the impression Meri is not as resilient as Ayla."
"She is!" I insisted.
Rymar gave me a long, soft look. "Is she, Ayla? Do you think she would've killed a man to save Tamin's life?"
I ducked my head. "I don't know."
" You did," he reminded me. "And then you killed more. You are a fighter. Meri? She seems very nice and very sensitive. She seems like Brielle in a lot of ways. She probably likes to help others, but not the same way you do. I get the impression Meri makes the pain better, but you prevent the pain from ever happening."
"I try," I admitted. "But Meri's a good person!"
"I didn't say she wasn't," he assured me. "She's just not the same person you are. Zasen is a fighter. I'm one of the people who tries to make it better. Kanik is somewhere in the middle. He can fight, but he'd rather help."
"Yeah, I can agree with that," Kanik said.
"But you," Rymar went on, "are a fighter too. You rush in to stop it. You aren't afraid of what will happen to you. You're more scared of what will happen to the ones you care about. I'm more scared of them not being able to recover afterwards."
"Oh." I chewed on my lower lip, thinking about that. "We weren't allowed to choose in the compound, so I'm not sure. We all got punished, although I got punished more because I couldn't be obedient. Meri was. She tried so hard to make the men happy. She did everything to make Ms. Lawton and Mr. Cassidy happy too. She wanted to be the best, thinking it would make her life easier, but no one warned us we would never be able to truly get it right."
"What do you think she'll do when you tell her?" Zasen asked.
"Not believe me," I mumbled. "She thought maybe you'd all been lying to me when I told her my mother had been a Dragon."
"Then tell her anyway," Zasen said. "Because the Moles will return. They will come with guns, and they will kill Dragons. She won't see it, but I'll make sure Jeera brings her to the city meetings."
"No, but - " I tried.
Zasen lifted a hand. "It's going to happen, Ayla. You cannot shield her from all the horrors in the world. You can try to protect her, but sometimes a warning is the best protection you can give. Sometimes, it's the only option you have. You have to remember that she might know how to get back in, and that's the only way we'll be able to get your other friend out."
"Okay," I said softly, because he was right. "I'll tell her, but what if she hates me?"
"What if she's proud of you?" Kanik countered. "Ayla, you found a way out. Now she's out. What if Meri realizes you're doing the right thing - have you ever considered that?"
I looked over at him to find those dark purple eyes waiting. "But what if I've changed too much and she no longer wants to be my friend? What if she thinks Dragons should be eaten? What if - "
"Then she does," Kanik told me. "But what if she doesn't? What if, Ayla, Meri respects you and that's why she made sure she got kicked out? The same woman you told me was always trying to do things others wanted just broke all the rules. Why would she do that?"
"Because I survived?" I guessed.
"Because you inspired her, " he corrected. "So trust your friend. She risked her life because she believed in you. The least you can do is believe in her back."