Chapter 19 #2
On the side of the road, a car was on the verge, the bonnet open and a figure ducked under it.
‘Shall we pull over?’ I asked.
Henry tutted, clearly not wanting to.
‘Henry, we can’t just drive by.’
‘Fine, fine.’ He pulled in behind the car and we both climbed out.
‘Need some help?’ Henry called over as I realised I recognised the car.
Blake ducked out from under the bonnet and glanced at me then Henry then me again. ‘Oh, hi.’
‘Jesus,’ Henry muttered, shooting me a glare.
‘What’s happened?’ I asked Blake, ignoring Henry.
‘Dylan warned me my car might be useless on these country roads. He won’t give his up but rarely drives it any more, he said.
Look at that mud…’ He gestured to the mud we hadn’t yet reached.
‘I swerved to miss it and then bumped against this hedge, and everything spluttered and stopped. There may have been some smoke too…’ He grimaced.
‘I have no signal to call anyone out here.’
‘Bloody countryside,’ Henry said, looking at me with a what have you got me into expression.
I pulled my phone out. ‘No signal for me either.’ I looked at Henry, who put his hands in his pockets, not bothering to check his phone.
‘We can drive you back to the farm and then you can call someone to get your car from there,’ I suggested, ignoring Henry, my heart undeniably lifting at the thought of having to change our plans to help Blake.
Blake raised an eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you going out?’ His eyes flicked over my dress briefly.
‘Yes, we are,’ Henry said, taking hold of my arm. ‘Let’s go before we lose our reservation.’
‘We can’t just leave Blake here. There’s no other option. Let’s all head back to the farm,’ I said. ‘My uncle always makes loads of food so we can just all eat there together.’
‘For fuck’s sake,’ Henry said, turning around and stalking back to his car.
‘Are you sure about this?’ Blake asked under his breath.
‘I’m not going to just leave you here. Where were you heading anyway?’
‘Sarah wanted me to get us some food so we can carry on talking about the app but I’ll tell her to meet us at the farm too then. I appreciate this, Daisy. You saved me,’ he said as we followed Henry back to his car.
‘I think you might have saved me instead,’ I muttered.
He looked across at me in surprise and I couldn’t meet his gaze. But my lack of belief in signs was starting to wobble. I had felt stuck in that car with Henry as he planned our life out for us, and the universe had found a way for me to avoid it all, and I was so relieved.
Climbing into the passenger seat, Henry avoiding my gaze, I leaned back in the seat and let out a long exhale. Blake jumped in too and we turned around and went back to Birch Tree Farm.
* * *
‘This time last year, it was just you and me rolling around this place on our own,’ Uncle Adam joked as he passed Willow the jug of homemade lemonade.
Once we got back, Blake arranged for a local garage to tow his car and fix it.
My uncle had made plenty of food as I’d predicated so once Sarah arrived from the pub, we all sat down together: Willow, Dylan and my uncle, Henry, Sarah, Blake and me.
Maple was curled up in her bed in the corner keeping an eye on us.
Adam had made a delicious chicken and courgette lemon pasta, and there was plenty for us all.
He was smiling, happy to have a houseful even if not everyone around the table was enjoying the impromptu meal like he was.
‘Now we’re full to the brim,’ Willow said, shaking her head. ‘Is what happened to Blake making you think twice about keeping your car?’ she joked to Dylan.
‘I have to admit, I use it less and less,’ he said. ‘But the thought of giving it up…’
‘You’re not going anywhere though, right?’ she asked, tilting her head.
Dylan reached for her arm and stroked it. ‘You’re stuck with me, baby.’
‘Oh, what a shame.’
I looked away from them and at Henry who was opposite me and definitely sulking.
He picked at his pasta like he couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it even though it was delicious.
I shifted my gaze from him onto Sarah, who was also sulking because she wasn’t eating alone with Blake.
She too picked at the pasta as if carbs were her enemy.
When I turned back the other way, Blake caught my eye, like he also had been looking at Henry and Sarah. His mouth twitched like he was trying not to laugh and I hid my smirk by scooping up another mouthful of food.
‘Well, I’m grateful Daisy and Henry were around to rescue me,’ Blake said. ‘I was about to attempt the walk back to the farm. It would have taken at least an hour.’
‘We need to harden you city folk up,’ Willow said, accentuating her accent for effect. ‘An hour’s walk is nothing. I do that every morning around the farm.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘You’re all too delicate.’
Blake and I laughed. ‘Fair point,’ he replied affably.
‘It was very convenient for you to be at the side of the road we were driving along,’ Henry suddenly said. ‘Anyone would think you two had planned it,’ he added, looking at me and Blake.
That caught Sarah’s attention. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You promised me a dinner together to talk about repairing our relationship but there is your “old friend” waiting to ambush us.’ Henry ignored her, doing cringey air quotes.
‘It definitely wasn’t planned,’ I said. ‘I was as surprised as you were to see Blake. It was an accident. And we helped him out, which I would have suggested we do for anyone.’
‘But this is the man you claim to be dating,’ Henry pointed out.
‘I’m sorry but are the two of you dating or not?’ Sarah said then. ‘He’s right. We were meant to eat together too,’ she said, pointing to Blake. ‘So maybe you two did cook it all up so we’d get stuck here all together again.’
‘Charming,’ Willow muttered. ‘They make a much better couple than they did with you two,’ she added, louder.
‘Willow…’ I began, uncomfortable with all the lying and anger around the table.
‘Sarah, I know we have to talk about work but I asked for time about us. You were with someone else,’ Blake said. ‘You cheated on me. I left. You can’t be pissed off with me.’ His calmness was cracking now. And I didn’t blame him.
‘He didn’t mean anything!’ she cried. ‘I keep telling you that.’
Blake shook his head. ‘How can I trust that?’
‘I’d never cheat on you,’ Henry cut in smoothly to me. ‘You know you can trust me.’
‘Can I say something here?’ my uncle saved me from responding.
He spoke with calm authority and we all turned to him.
‘There seems to be a lot of hurt feelings and no one is at their best right now. I suggest you all park this now. And both Blake and Daisy seem to be asking for space. It would be respectful to give them that, wouldn’t it? ’ he said gently to Sarah and Henry.
‘But they will be here together,’ Sarah said.
‘Maybe that’s what they need right now,’ Adam suggested.
‘This is bullshit.’ Henry stood up abruptly. He looked down at me. ‘You said we’d spend time together tonight and you’ve gone back on that. I won’t listen to them any more,’ he added, gesturing dismissively at the rest of the table. ‘Please see me out at the very least?’
‘Daisy, you don’t have to,’ Willow said quickly.
Guilt settled on me, though. I had said we’d eat together. And Henry had been part of my life for five years. I stood up. ‘It’s okay, let’s go.’ I followed him outside.
‘I feel really confused, Henry,’ I said before he could say anything more. ‘I know I asked you to stay. It was wrong of me when I don’t know what to do.’
He sighed. ‘I just want us to go back to how we were.’
‘But we can’t. I keep telling you that we want different things.
And I never let myself love you. Or let you love the real me.
’ I honestly didn’t know if I could have loved Henry if I had been open to it.
The way he was behaving right now made that seem unlikely.
I was seeing more sides to him that I didn’t appreciate.
‘How about this? My uncle is right that we’re going round in circles.
Give me some space; how about you give me tomorrow to think and then I’ll meet you the day after, okay? ’
Henry sighed. ‘I suppose my dad does want me to have a meeting tomorrow. If I don’t see you tomorrow, you promise me we can be alone afterwards, properly, and sort this out once and for all?’
He still seemed confident I would choose him. I nodded, relieved I’d be able to sort my head out. ‘I promise.’
‘I’ll convince you that the right thing is to be with me.’ He leaned in to kiss me but I turned my head so he had to kiss my cheek. ‘I’ll wait then. I just want you back, Daisy. I have to be persistent. I always am.’
I had the feeling that he just didn’t want to lose like he never wanted to lose. It didn’t feel like this was about me. But about him. I nodded, though. I was too tired now. ‘I promise.’
Sarah came out of the farmhouse then. ‘Can I have a lift back to the pub, please?’ she asked Henry, avoiding my gaze.
‘Sure, come on.’
I watched them walk off together and my chest sagged with relief. I never thought when I called off our wedding that things would become even more complicated and confusing, but they really were.
Heading back inside, I returned to the table. ‘Thank you,’ I said to my uncle. ‘That was so tense.’
‘I don’t like to see any of you unhappy,’ Adam said. ‘I hope you all follow your hearts. You know how you feel. Don’t let anyone make you feel differently out of obligation or fear or guilt.’
Blake and I looked at one another.
The rest of the meal was far more peaceful. Willow chatted about the farm with Dylan and my uncle while Blake and I were quiet. It felt like it had been the longest day.
Blake rubbed his shoulder. ‘I ache everywhere.’
‘You work muscles you didn’t know existed being on a farm,’ Willow told him.
‘Who needs a fancy gym membership?’ Blake tried to smile but it didn’t fully work.
‘I haven’t been to a gym since I moved in here,’ Dylan said down the table to him. ‘Farm work is the best workout you can have.’
‘Maybe not the best workout,’ Willow said in a low voice.
‘I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that,’ Uncle Adam spluttered.
Willow and Dylan giggled like teenagers and it helped; I smiled and so did Blake, and some of our tension faded.
Willow sighed then. ‘Crap, I forgot to put the ponies into the barn for the night. It’s meant to rain so I don’t want to leave them outside.’
‘I can do it,’ Blake said readily.
‘I’ll come too,’ I said. ‘I better cover the flower arch if it’s going to rain a lot,’ I added. ‘There’s spare tarpaulin in the barn, right?’ I asked Willow.
‘Yep, use whatever you like.’
Blake and I headed out to the barn together.
‘Did I ruin your evening with my car issues?’ Blake asked me as I hunted for the tarpaulin to cover the archway up.
‘I was relieved to get out of the dinner with Henry. Is that bad?’
‘No. I’m glad that Adam seems to have convinced Sarah to give me some space. Maybe I’ve let her have hope about us getting back together but it’s hard. She was my life for a year. And you and Henry had five years.’
‘Yeah. My uncle said follow your heart but that is really terrifying.’
Blake met my gaze. ‘Tell me about it.’
I went to pick up the tarpaulin but Blake got there first. ‘Thanks.’
‘Come on, let’s go to the field.’
We left the barn and Blake seemed to be considering what I had said. ‘When we first got together, I wanted to spend all my time with Sarah; I loved it when it was just us. Now, I don’t want to be alone with her. When I am, all I can do is think about her with that man I saw in our apartment.’
‘I get that. Do you think you can ever forgive her?’
‘Maybe it’s more that I’m not sure I want to. What about you and Henry?’
‘Before we spotted you on the side of the road, Henry was still talking about the future he sees for us. He hasn’t listened to anything I’ve been saying to him since our wedding day! He still hasn’t asked me what I want.’
We headed around the farmhouse out towards the strawberry fields. ‘What do you want, Daisy?’ Blake asked me then.
I let that question sink in as we reached the archway. Blake dropped the tarpaulin and together, we covered up the arch. I thought about my mum and how much she had loved being a mother, how much she’d loved my dad, their pretty house in the village, and how much she had loved her flower shop…
I turned to Blake with fire in my eyes. ‘I want someone who makes me feel certain. I want to be excited for the future, not scared by it. I want to love and feel loved. I don’t want to be alone.
But I don’t want to be with someone just because I’m lonely.
I want to feel passionate about my life.
I want to make my parents proud of me. I don’t want to feel anxious or to panic.
I want to be able to breathe. I want to be happy.
I want to just be…’ I said, all in a rush, my chest heaving.
I sucked in a breath as I looked at Blake, who was watching me like there was nothing else that was more important to look at right now. ‘I want to just be me.’
‘Daisy…’ he said huskily, stepping closer to me.
He touched my cheek gently with his fingertips, his eyes searching mine for something.
‘I want that too. All of it. I have felt so lost. I thought it was ever since I walked in and found Sarah with him, but I think it’s been since I left my hometown and my dad and his shop and my sister for this life that I’m not sure I want.
But weirdly, standing here right now with you, I don’t feel as lost any more. ’
My heart soared inside my chest. I looked up at him and smiled as realisation hit me. ‘I don’t feel as lost right now either.’
Blake leaned down so slowly, so cautiously, his eyes fixed on mine like he was waiting for me to pull back, to stop him, to look away, to do anything, but I didn’t want to move or speak or hide from his gaze. I wanted him to see me. I wanted to see him. I wanted this moment, whatever it was.
When his face was finally close enough, he brushed his lips against mine. Just once. So soft. So gentle. So delicate. And yet I felt it…
Everywhere.