65. Chapter Sixty-Four
Chapter Sixty-Four
Rye
Jake pulled up in front of the bookstore at just one minute before nine, when the bookstore was to open, and Rye gave him a quick goodbye kiss on the cheek before climbing out of the car and hurrying inside. Janice was already there, straightening a new display she’d set up the day before, and she greeted him with a kind smile and wave as he entered.
“Good morning, Ryan. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
She said that every morning, and every morning, Rye had to agree with her. He paused and glanced behind him. He could just see across the small street and out past the boardwalk to the water, where beachgoers and vacationers were already starting their day. The sun shone brightly, and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
Rye smiled and nodded. “It is beautiful today,” he said, turning back to his boss.
Janice’s smile widened, and her eyes lit up with what was probably a mixture of surprise and pride, which was plenty fair. He usually couldn’t talk to her first thing in the morning. Or later in the day. Or much at all, really. Just like how he still couldn’t really talk to most adults outside his family and Jake. Sometimes he’d manage a few words or a yes or no here and there. But a complete sentence without hesitation or stuttering was still rare, even though he felt perfectly safe with Janice.
She stared at him for another few seconds and then smiled again and motioned him toward the cash register. He followed her over, and when they reached the small desk, she lifted up a single sheet of paper with a list printed on it and a few handwritten notes.
“I got nearly a dozen new orders from the online store last night and this morning,” she said, offering him the paper. “Seems folks are quite interested in those old poetry books we listed. Plus, I just got in a shipment of books and records and things from an estate sale. The box is in the back, if you want to try to get the listings ready to be posted. That should keep you pretty busy, I think?”
Rye scanned the list and her notes and nodded. “Yeah, I think so,” he said, glad that he was able to say the words instead of just nod. He looked back up at her to see that same expression of pride and surprise in her eyes.
“Alright. Thank you so much, Ryan. It’s great to have you here helping me.”
This time, he had no words, but he felt his cheeks heat up as he nodded. Then, he headed off to the back office to get to work. A few minutes later, he was settled at the desk, waiting for Janice’s computer to boot up while he opened the large box she’d received and began sorting through the contents. Old novels. Records. Some ancient-looking notebooks with tissue-paper-thin pages. Lots of interesting things. Janice would come back later to give him pricing for each of the items, but it was his job right now to take pictures, write up descriptions, and enter the details for each item into her online store for her to resell. Then, he’d stock the items on the shelves out in the main bookstore in case an in-person customer wanted to purchase the item.
And Rye enjoyed it. He liked working here, and he liked feeling useful.
He still hoped someday that maybe he’d get to work at the school. He’d loved running the book club with the children during the school year, and he usually hadn’t had much trouble talking to the kids. But communication broke down too quickly if he needed to talk to any adults, like teachers or parents. Plus, the couple of times he’d tried to go to the school in the last few months hadn’t ended well.
The first time, back in March, he’d tried to attend a small event at the school library and had ended up having a panic attack before even getting out of the car. The second time, right at the end of May, he’d tried to go speak with the principal about a job as a teacher’s assistant or tutor for the younger grade levels, but even though Jake had been with him, he hadn’t been able to get himself to go into the school, and the drive home, heading away from the school—that same route he’d walked over seventeen years ago now, when he’d been just eight years old—had been nearly as bad as the first time. He’d only barely managed to not panic when he’d closed his eyes and held tight to Jake’s hand.
It was just too much for him still.
Maybe it always would be.
But he tried. Every day, he tried to push through, to push past the things that were hard. He tried to talk, even when he was sure he couldn’t. He tried to spend little bits of time around people, strangers, even, at least when Jake was with him. He’d walked down to the café alone yesterday. Met Jake there for lunch. It was only a few stores down, but it had been some huge accomplishment to him that he’d been able to do it alone and without panicking.
He’d also finally managed a few sessions with his therapist where he’d talked a tiny bit. Jake had been there with him then, holding his hand, and that had seemed to lend him much more strength than it ought to. He’d had to pretend he was talking to Jake, and the few words he had spoken weren’t anything super important or deep. But it had been another thing that felt like a huge step forward for him, and the therapist had been wonderful and encouraging.
And so, he would keep trying. And he’d keep helping Janice here at the bookstore, keep running his book club during the school year, keep... going, hoping that maybe someday he’d get there—wherever there was.
His cell phone buzzed from his pocket just as he was about to get started on the computer, and he pulled out the phone and grinned as he saw Jake’s name pop up with a row of several red heart emojis and a short text asking about lunch. Still smiling, and feeling maybe a little silly for it, Rye sent a short text back, telling Jake they could meet at the café at twelve thirty. He sent a row of red heart emojis, too.
Then he set his phone down and got to work.
Jake had no idea, did he? Actually, maybe he did. Maybe he knew exactly what he was doing, running his hand low along Rye’s back as Rye flipped burgers on the grill outside on Jake’s patio later that evening. Maybe he knew exactly how it was making Rye feel—warm and tingly and a bit flustered, really.
Rye couldn’t tell, though. And he really didn’t want Jake to stop, so he didn’t bring it up. He just kept listening as Jake talked about... whatever he was talking about. Scheduling something. Scheduling... oh, right. Rye’s test to receive his driver’s license.
Blinking away his complete lack of focus, Rye turned and faced Jake, hoping that would help him be able to actually hear Jake’s words over the sound of his heart pounding in his chest.
“Yeah, so, I called and spoke with someone at the DMV in Eureka, and unfortunately, they don’t offer those types of accommodations,” Jake said with a grimace. “You’re only allowed to have the tester from the DMV there in the car with you. However, they did say all of their testers are women, and that you wouldn’t be expected to have to speak with them at all. Any communication can be done in writing, before you start driving or when the test is over. During the test itself, they’ll speak to give you instructions on where to go, but you wouldn’t be expected or required to say anything back.”
Rye frowned but nodded, and then turned back to the grill. “That’s reasonable. I’m just not sure if... if I can. Maybe... maybe I just have to wait longer. Being in a car with a stranger—it’d probably be too much,” he admitted. And he kind of wished he’d just kept not focusing on Jake’s words, because that hadn’t been the news he’d wanted. They’d offered him such reasonable accommodations when he’d taken his GEDs, but the requirements for getting his driver’s license were less flexible, it seemed.
Jake’s hand came to rest on Rye’s lower back again, and Rye sighed and closed his eyes as he let the gentle touch soothe him.
“You can drive with your mom. Maybe try with Tanya and Janice too,” Jake suggested. “And if you can drive with them, then maybe we go ahead and schedule the exam and give it a try. If not, well, you can keep practicing until you’re more ready.” Jake moved a little closer behind him, and one of his arms slipped around Rye’s midsection in a much more intimate embrace. Rye leaned back against him with a quiet hum of approval.
He loved when Jake held him like this. He’d honestly thought he wouldn’t be able to handle it, but thankfully, that hadn’t been the case. At least not so far.
“That’s a good idea. I’ll try to talk to Janice tomorrow. I did drive with Tanya once, and it wasn’t awful. Well, I mean, Tanya thought it was awful, probably. I almost ran a stop sign. You know, maybe I’m just not cut out to drive,” Rye said, shaking his head at himself.
It wasn’t the worst thing in the world if that was true. Jake had told him before that he didn’t mind driving Rye around, and Rye’s mom didn’t really seem to mind either. But Rye sort of wanted the option to drive himself sometimes, especially if he ever expected to be able to work at the school. He’d been saving his money, too, since he’d been getting regular paychecks from Janice now, and he had enough saved for a decent used car.
But maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for him. At least not right now.
He straightened back up and started to check the burgers.
Jake’s arm loosened from around him, and Jake stepped up beside him to put the hamburger buns on the grill. “It’s perfectly fine if you think you aren’t ready to test yet. You still have, what, eight months left on your permit?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright, yeah. So no rush, and you can just keep practicing and see where it takes you. Okay? ”
Rye nodded, and he let Jake’s hand on his back distract him again as he finished cooking.
They sat outside on the patio to eat—as they normally did when the weather was nice and warm like today. Rye had made potato salad, and Jake had cut up some watermelon. Plus they had more cookies from Krista. She seemed content to restock Jake’s supply whenever they were running low—though how she always knew they were running low, Rye wasn’t sure. The last time she’d visited, she’d confessed to Rye how happy she was that she didn’t feel the need to also make a bunch of casseroles and things for Jake to freeze, since Rye enjoyed cooking for both of them now.
And he did. It also made him happy, being able to give something back to Jake after all Jake had given him.
When they finished eating, they settled back on the patio sofa together, not talking, and they watched as the sun sank lower and lower in the sky, its light changing from a bright almost-white to a deep, bold yellow. The sky, too, changed from blue to a dramatic gradient of vibrant pinks and oranges, the colors reflecting off the ocean waves below.
Just as the bottom of the sun seemed to touch the horizon, Rye pulled his feet under himself and snuggled up next to Jake with a contented sigh, and Jake’s arm slipped around Rye’s shoulders.
He was comfortable. And happy. And even if he didn’t yet have his driver’s license or the job at the school, he had this . This sunset. This view. This spot right here. In Jake’s arms.
He had that.
And he . . . loved it.
He breathed another deep sigh and let his hand fall to Jake’s thigh.
“I love... this,” he said, his voice catching. God, he’d almost said something different. Something different by just one word but equally as true.
“Mmm, yeah, me too,” Jake murmured, his breath warm against the top of Rye’s head. Jake’s arm tightened around him, the embrace warm, soothing, and so beautiful.
Rye closed his eyes, letting himself relax into Jake as he tried to gather his courage. Three words. He could say the three words. They were right there, and he felt them. He knew they were true with all of his heart, and he didn’t need anyone to explain this feeling to him.
He was in love with Jacob Wright.
He was, and he had been for a while now, and he always, always would be.
The moment was perfect, too—out here on the patio, just the two of them, the beautiful sunset and quiet sounds of the waves on the beach below .
He opened his eyes again.
The sun was lower now, about halfway below the horizon. Light rippled across the ocean’s surface, a stark contrast with the ever-growing blackness of the water.
It couldn’t be a more perfect moment, really. Unless...
Rye pressed his hand into Jake’s thigh as he tilted his head back. Dark-brown eyes, kind and hopeful, stared back at him, and he smiled, then lifted his hand to cup Jake’s cheek and stretched up for a gentle kiss.
Their lips touched, and it was all warmth and softness and love. Rye stayed there, deepening the kiss just slightly, and he let his hand slip down, running his fingertips along the bare skin of Jake’s neck and then over the collar of Jake’s shirt and down to the middle of his chest. Jake’s heart beat strong and steady, and Rye broke the kiss, dropping his chin, as he focused on that feeling for another moment.
His own heart raced, too, thrumming in his chest, and he breathed deeply and made himself look back up at Jake. Jake’s eyes were closed, but he opened them and smiled as soon as Rye reached up to touch his cheek again.
Jake’s beard tickled his fingers, and Rye tore his eyes away from Jake’s to watch his own thumb brush along Jake’s jawline. He wanted to kiss Jake there, like he had that morning. And then, with a sudden rush of heat that spread all the way down into Rye’s toes, he realized he wanted to kiss Jake elsewhere too. Lower a bit. On Jake’s neck. And maybe...
He pressed his palm into Jake’s chest, wondering what it would feel like, what Jake would look like—his bare chest solid and muscular, his skin smooth and warm. And he almost wanted it. He almost wanted to touch Jake. Lower. Under his clothes. No, not almost , actually.
He did want to.
Acknowledging these feelings out loud, however, suddenly seemed much too scary. In fact, maybe it was too scary to even think, and so instead, his eyes flitted back up to meet Jake’s.
And immediately, heat rushed to his cheeks. That desire he’d been feeling was perfectly, clearly, obviously reflected in Jake’s eyes.
Rye sucked in a breath and quickly buried his head down against Jake’s chest. And he felt Jake let out a long breath, too, before Jake’s arm tightened around him.
“Sorry. Was that too much?”
No.
“Maybe.”
“. . . Maybe? ”
“Maybe. Maybe . . . not.”
Jake seemed to tense slightly, and Rye shook his head.
“Sorry,” Rye said quietly. “I’m not... being clear with wh-what I...” Rye trailed off, closing his eyes. Maybe it had actually been too much. Maybe he only thought he wanted more. Maybe—
No.
No, he really didn’t think it was too much. Maybe just too fast. And he needed to tell Jake what he wanted and how he was feeling. Because Jake would understand and help him, and they’d figure things out together. If there was anything to figure out, even.
“I... I’m...” He took a deep breath, willing his words to work. Then he looked back up at Jake and bit his lip as he reached up to cup Jake’s cheek. The softness had returned to Jake’s expression, and maybe that helped a little.
“What is it?” Jake asked quietly. His hand came up to settle on Rye’s upper arm, and the light touch sent another spark of heat through him, radiating outward right from that spot.
Rye smiled, and again, he stretched up at the same time that he tugged Jake down a little. He kissed Jake lightly, briefly, and when they parted, he held Jake there with him still, their foreheads touching and his eyes softly closed.
“I love you.” The words came as a barely-there whisper, his voice low and rough, even to his own ears.
But Jake must have heard them, because Rye felt him shudder, and his hand smoothed slowly around to Rye’s back, bringing Rye flush against his chest. Jake took a controlled breath, but then he shook again, his whole body trembling, and he lowered his head until he was resting his cheek against Rye’s.
Then, Jake whispered, “I love you, too.”