Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
GAbrIEL
G uilt swamped me as nausea continued to threaten, but I swallowed hard, staring at the people who had been in my life for so long. They were family. Family that I had taken for granted and ignored.
Joshua stood at the studio desk, randomly touching buttons and knobs that would probably have to be fixed later. He wasn’t looking at me, and I didn’t blame him. After all, he had been the one to take his time to answer me back when I had finally called.
Rocky leaned against the wall, phone in hand as she texted her wife.
While David sat in front of me, notebook in hand.
It had been a week since the band had come back. A week since they had met Briar and Maisie and had fallen in love. They hadn’t said a damn word about us having a kid. Everybody was ignoring the giant elephant in the room.
We had suddenly fallen into domestic bliss that was anything but blissful, and awkward as hell. But everybody was ignoring that, too.
And I was just fine with that, as I didn’t want to have to deal with the big emotions. I had to deal with the shit show that was happening today.
“We can stop this, you know,” David said, ever the patient one. At least he was now. “Walk away and tell everyone we changed our mind. It’s our prerogative.”
“No, we should do this. Max already put out the word, and people are heading to the property now. We should do this.” I cleared my throat, staring at my band again.
“I want to do this too, you know,” Rocky said as she slid her phone into her back pocket. “It took me a while to get out of my own head, and then Mandy’s dad died, and well, life sucks. But I was going to come down here and kick your ass. I was just afraid once I did, you’d tell me to leave and then the band would be over. I don’t want it to be over.”
“I thought it was,” Joshua said, staring off into the distance.
“I’m sorry. For ignoring all of you.” I ran a hand over my sternum, remembering the initial months of recovery when my ribs had ached and my leg had been in the boot. I didn’t have a scar on me, but that was only surface deep.
“Mal was your best friend. I get it.” Joshua sighed. “You were injured too.”
“And now here we are, doing auditions for a fucking drummer.” My rhythmic guitarist finally looked at me, his eyes glassy.
“I hate this.” I looked between all of them and realized we all hated it…yet needed it. Music was in our blood. This was our livelihood and something we loved. And though I’d hidden from it for months, I needed to do something that Maisie could be proud of. That Briar could be proud of. “Are we ready?” I asked.
David finally cleared his throat. “No. And we’re never going to be ready. But us sitting in a room and talking about all the mistakes we’ve made and pretending that we’re okay when we’re clearly not isn’t going to help anything. So we’re going to do what we normally do and jump in headfirst to make a lot of fucking mistakes. We have fifteen drummers that we are going to audition today. Some people we know. Some newbies that want a chance.”
“And they already signed the NDAs?” I asked, my voice low.
The media was still harping on trying to get more images of my kid. I hated the paparazzi. I despised the flashes that stained underneath my lids, so they were always there no matter what I did. They kept writing stories about Rocky and put Mal on a pedestal, as if he had done nothing wrong in his life. The angel where I was now the devil.
And it was damn ironic because they always called Mal the force to be reckoned with. The one who bulldozed his way through life and was constantly in the news for something he did wrong. Even if he wasn’t the one doing it. But they talked shit about him, made up lies, and now erased it all to talk about how heroic he was.
And now the media wanted to know if Wilder was going to come back. If the band was going to make it.
So in the past two days, when news of auditions had begun to spread like wildfire, the media had shown up.
Thankfully, we were borrowing Lark’s studio on the property, so nobody was allowed on set but us. My brother was handling most of it, and I had already apologized to him more than once for it. But they dealt with this often, so I was going to lean into their expertise.
“You’re right. We really do dive in headfirst and say fuck the consequences,” I said, blowing a bubble with my gum.
“Well that doesn’t sound too bad.” Rocky shook her head. “I know that we have skipped over a lot of the formalities. But we do have an album to finish, one that we’re already on contract for. And we have to decide if we go back to the old tour, redo those dates. Then deal with everything else that we are on the line for. I know Max said he can get us out of it, and a lot of the promotions have been decent about it, but they’re starting to growl. And the execs aren’t going to be so kind soon.”
“I don’t want us to break up. We already lost Mal. I don’t want to lose us either.” Joshua wiped his tears, before blowing a raspberry. “Okay fuck all these emotions. We can put it in lyrics, or we can bury it deep inside and deal with it later. Let’s just find a drummer.”
“Yeah. We need a drummer.” My stomach rolled, but I knew if we didn’t do this, we’d regret it. And Mal would kick my ass.
My phone buzzed, and I looked down at it, a photo of Briar and Maisie filling the screen.
Aurora and Ava had taken the duo out for a day trip, and I was seriously stressed out. They’d had their six-week visit a little bit ago, and now Maisie was allowed to be out in the real world. But she was so tiny. I just wanted to wrap her in cotton wool and hide her from the world.
I knew that doing that would probably just make everything worse.
I wasn’t with them for a multitude of reasons. Namely, because every time I left the property, people took photos. They wanted answers. And I didn’t say anything. But they were one day going to get a photo of Briar, me, and Maisie and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
And not just because I could still feel Briar against me, that spark that had always been there that we had done our best to ignore.
There was a reason the two of us had fallen into bed together that night. Even if we did our best to ignore it.
“Earth to Gabriel,” Joshua said, and I looked up, shaking my head.
“Sorry. Briar just sent a photo of Maisie.” I turned it so they could see. My friends smiled at me, even as an odd tension filled the room.
“That’s so fucking weird,” Rocky blurted, before closing her mouth.
“I know. I’m a dad. How the hell did that happen?” I asked, an odd spark filling me. Because I was a dad. Maisie was half of my DNA, and every ounce of tethered bonds that I could imagine.
She was my kid. And she looked just like Briar. Though Briar said she looked like me. We could agree to disagree.
“So we have two dads in the band now. We might even have a third soon if we hire one of these drummers,” Joshua put in.
I pulled my phone back to text Briar and nodded. “A tour with diaper bags and bottles that don’t have liquor in them. Going to be a little weird,” I muttered.
Me:
Where are you guys? I missed those chubby cheeks.
Briar:
Did you just call my cheeks chubby?
I winced and typed quickly.
Me:
You know I was talking about our girl. I like your cheeks. Both sets.
Briar:
That is a ridiculous line. You used to be good at this. You’re out of practice.
Me:
No shit. You guys having fun?
Briar:
Yes. But I already miss the little cabin. Is that wrong?
My heart warmed, and I didn’t know why.
Me:
I miss you guys too. Stop by the studio when you’re done?
Briar:
It depends on nap time. But sure. I want to see the band. And you know that they love holding Baby Girl.
Me:
I miss you.
It took a while for Briar to type back, and I could not believe I had typed those words. What the hell was wrong with me?
Briar:
I miss you too. We’re ridiculous.
Me:
Somehow, I got baby hormones too.
Briar:
“Hey, let’s get started,” David said, and I put my phone away, trying not to feel the warmth sliding through me that had nothing to do with picking out a drummer. However, that heat slowly settled down the nerves that were threatening to make me throw up. So maybe that was a good sign.
The first drummer walked in, complete in leather pants and a leather vest with nothing underneath. He held one drumstick in his left hand, and the other in his back pocket. I had never heard of this guy, and he wasn’t in any band that I knew, but we were going to give him a chance. They did introductions and I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I just want to say I love you guys. Wilder has always been one of my top bands. And, well, thanks for giving me this chance.”
We all nodded, and David thankfully took charge. “No problem. Let’s hear you play. And maybe we’ll see what happens.”
Before this would’ve been my job. The lead singer, and the lead. But I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to say. Why was I even here?
I pushed that thought from my head, as Samuel grinned. “And I’m sorry about Malcolm. He was a good drummer. My idol. Hell, all of my idols are drummers, and they keep dying. What’s up with that?”
I stiffened, as Rocky’s eyes narrowed, and I knew that no matter what kind of talent this kid had, he wasn’t going to gel with us. We let him do his audition, and I didn’t say a damn word as he walked out, David finishing the interview.
“Well, he somewhat kept the beat,” I drawled.
Joshua shook his head. “I really don’t have a good feeling about this.”
And the man wasn’t wrong.
The next drummer didn’t like our kit and proceeded to move everything around away from Mal’s preferred liking. And while I wanted to rip this guy’s head off for doing so, I knew that we were replacing a drummer. And somehow, I was supposed to make this work. This shouldn’t be happening.
I tried to ignore the shadow of Mal behind the kit, staring at me. I wasn’t drunk, but I was apparently seeing things.
The second drummer finished his audition, and I had no idea what he had played.
The third and fourth drummers were fine, but there was no spark.
We ignored the fifth drummer because all they wanted to do was talk about Mal.
“And Gabriel man. Where’d you go? I mean, we saw the rest of you, but we didn’t see you. I hear you’re a dad now. Cool right? Mal as an uncle would’ve been really great. Too bad he’s gone, right?”
I hadn’t even realized I was standing up, my forearm against the guy’s throat until Joshua was pulling me back, but it wasn’t as if he was really pulling that hard.
“Okay, we’re done,” David said, and pushed the other guy out as Rocky and Joshua kept me calm.
“Well, we’re going to go with a no on that,” Rocky said dryly. “And Gabriel, maybe we don’t beat up the drummers.”
“I’m making no promises.”
It kept going like that, one shitty audition after another.
We hadn’t given much notice, and somehow getting the band Wilder to rise out of the ashes was going to be hell on Earth, but I wasn’t sure what else we were supposed to do.
Rocky finally stood up after the last audition and shot her fist in the air. “Yes.”
We stared at her like she had lost her mind.
“Did you just like that drummer? He didn’t even know what a snare drum was called,” I snapped.
“Oh no, he was terrible, but I was really hoping that my friend would show up.”
“You have a friend?” Joshua asked, and Rocky flipped him off.
“I have a few. But she’s been doing band gigs up in Hollywood for movie scores and shit. However, she’s wanted to try out a few things that aren’t so regimented.” Rocky raised a pierced brow. “You’re going to be okay with two women in the band?”
“You’re saying that she’s so good that she’s just going to get the spot?” I asked, wondering why I had never heard of this friend.
Rocky shook her head. “I’m not saying that at all. Let her audition, and let’s see what happens. We all know that it’s going to be a probationary period anyway.”
I nodded. “Because if they don’t gel, we’re not going to be a band.”
And that was the scariest thing of all. We had no idea if this was going to work. It probably wasn’t. And this was probably the end.
Maybe that was fine.
Maybe I’d just find a cabin in the woods and learn to whittle. And then Briar could show up every once in a while with Maisie, and I wouldn’t be too much of a deadbeat dad.
Ghost Mal just shook his head in disappointment.
“Knock knock.”
I looked up to see a woman with platinum blonde hair, a septum piercing, and gorgeous curves, wearing a sundress.
“Kiera, you’re here.” Rocky moved forward and wrapped her arms around the other woman. Kiera laughed and hugged Rocky right back.
“Sorry it took me so long to get here. I-35 is a mess.” Kiera looked at all of us and smiled. “I know this sucks, you guys. And I am sorry that you even have to have auditions and sit through this awkward interview. But hi, I’m Kiera. I play drums.”
“In a dress?” Joshua asked, and then ducked Rocky’s slap.
“Really?”
“Actually, I was wondering how you play in a dress, considering I don’t play, but I know how Mal moves. Moved,” I corrected and continued before anyone could comment. “However, now that I’m thinking about it, there are some drummers that wear kilts.” I stood up and held out my hand. “Gabriel.”
“I know who you are. It’s nice to meet you all.” Kiera let out a breath and shook out her arms.
“Okay, I’m seriously nervous. Mostly because I love you guys. I love your music. And I realized that even if you find me the new goddess of percussion, you could hate me. But just give me a chance, okay? And I’m wearing a dress because my flight got in late and I didn’t have time to change. Long story.”
I looked at David, who had an odd smile on his face, but the other man hadn’t said anything.
“Well let’s see what you got,” I said, and again, David didn’t say anything.
Apparently, I was leading this, and I wasn’t quite sure I liked that.
Ghost Mal didn’t say anything. Obviously.
Kiera set up, and then we sat back and watched her play.
Mal had always had a frantic energy to him. His whole body moved with the flow, but sometimes it was a little jagged. He would laugh maniacally and sing along when needed. He was the crazy ball of energy behind us, pushing us.
Kiera was different.
I wasn’t quite sure how to explain it.
Yeah, she had energy, but her body moved a little more gracefully. I wasn’t sure if that was rock band material, but she could play.
She started with a Taylor Hawkins song, and moved into a few other bands that we knew, and then, picked up Rain on Me.
I froze but realized that we needed to hear how she sounded with our most popular song.
Part of me wanted to grab my guitar, lay my fingers on the fret, and play along, and then, in that moment, I realized that I hadn’t played since the accident. I felt like maybe I was the one that’s going to need that audition. I quickly pushed those thoughts from my mind, as Kiera finished up and wiped sweat from her brow.
“Whew. Thanks for letting me play. I always loved that song. Mal really knew what he was doing. He was the best. And I’m sorry that he’s gone. And I will stop saying his name if you want. I don’t know how to deal with grief.”
“I don’t think we know what we’re doing either,” Rocky whispered.
Before I could add anything in, Briar walked in, Maisie in her arms.
“Ridge said that you should be done soon. I’m sorry, am I interrupting?”
I immediately moved forward and took Maisie from arms. “Hey Little Girl.”
“I’m sorry, I am interrupting.” Briar cleared her throat and smiled softly over at Kiera. “Hi. I’m Briar.”
I moved to the side, and without thinking, put my arm around Briar so she was facing the center of the circle with the rest of us. Only the rest of the band caught the motion, and they froze, and I did as well.
I had no idea what the hell I was doing, but it just felt like I should. I had our kid in my arms, and I wanted Briar to feel comfortable. But I needed to stop touching her.
I let my arm fall as Kiera smiled back.
“It’s nice to meet you. I should go and let you guys talk. And even if this doesn’t work out, it was an honor to play for you guys.”
“I’ll walk you out.” Rocky gave us a look, but I didn’t say anything. “We’re not making any decisions today.”
Kiera just smiled. “No problem. Honestly, I just needed to get out of classical music.”
“I have so many questions,” Joshua said and followed the two of them out.
David looked between Briar and me, confusion on his face. “Well. It’s still fucking awkward to see the two of you holding a baby like that.”
“We really need to do better with that language,” Briar said as she rolled her eyes.
David leaned forward and pat Maisie’s belly. “She can’t understand anything yet. I mean, I’m a dad. I know things.”
“I’m not quite sure that’s true,” I said with a laugh, as Maisie woke up, burbling that little baby noise of hers.
She immediately wanted Briar and her breasts, and frankly, I didn’t blame the kid. And as we shifted Maisie into Briar’s arms, David kept watching the routine we had found, but I ignored him.
And the feeling that this was right. I had no idea what was going to happen with the band. I had no idea what the hell I wanted. But right then and there, this felt like something I could do.
Making sure Briar felt safe and keeping Maisie happy.
Even if I had nothing else, I could do that.
And I ignored Ghost Mal along the way.