Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
GAbrIEL
I knew that nothing good ever came from eavesdropping, but I had listened anyway. I had been the idiot who had constantly tried to ignore my feelings when it came to Briar. It was easier to live in a fantasy world, than let reality crash down around us.
“Can we talk about that night? Can we talk about anything? We keep dancing around it, making plans, and yet not doing anything, and it’s killing me. Please.”
I ran my hands over my face and knew that it was time. It was long past time. “What do you want me to say? The fact that every time I look at you, I think of the vitriol your brother and I lobbed at each other? That the last words we had for each other were cruel?”
“He was my brother too!”
I staggered back, watching the emotions pass over her face. Rage, pain, guilt, sorrow. Everything all at once. Everything I had been feeling and trying to ignore.
She lifted her chin, tears in her eyes. “Do you know why I slept with you?”
“What?” That hadn’t been what I’d been expecting her to say at all.
She moved forward and put her hands on my chest. “Do you know why I slept with you that first night? Because it wasn’t alcohol. We might have lied to ourselves, but it wasn’t alcohol.”
Hope and judgment warred within me because she was right. Damn it. She was right. “Briar.”
“No. I slept with you because I wanted to. Because every time that we were around each other, I felt safe . Even though you went out and partied with everyone else, and did your thing, you were my safe space. And I wanted to be with you . Yes, the alcohol took off the nerves, but I was there. And so were you. Don’t lie to yourself anymore. Don’t lie to me. Maisie may have been unplanned, but she wasn’t a drunken mistake.”
I stiffened. “I’ve never said that.”
“No, but one day she’s going to grow up, and she’s going to want to know the story of how she came about.”
“Briar—”
“The media’s already made their own story. They call her a lovechild . But lovechild in their mind doesn’t mean she was created in love. No, they mean in secret, behind my brother’s back. And maybe that was the case, but only because we never had a chance to tell him.”
“Exactly.” I threw my hands in the air. “He left us on that bus, and I never got to say I was sorry.”
“For sleeping with me? Or for not telling Mal? Because he never owned me. Yes, you and I sleeping together would probably rock the boat when it came to Mal, and it did . And we would have all figured it out. My brother was a hothead, but he loved you. He loved me, too. He would’ve been okay with it. The rest of my family’s okay with it.”
“I wasn’t best friends with the rest of your family,” I said, knowing that was lame as hell.
“The only time that they ever wanted to beat the shit out of you was when they thought you walked away from me.”
“They’re the ones that dragged you away from me before I could talk to you at the graveside.”
“And neither one of us would have been ready to talk then. We were both in soft casts and covered in bruises. Some of the bruises my brother had put on you.”
“And I deserved it.”
“Why on earth is sleeping with me deserving of you getting punched in the face? Tell me, on what planet is that okay?”
“You don’t understand. You’re his sister.”
“That was the worst thing to say,” she spat. “My brother didn’t own me. I hated the way he reacted. It was out of line. But he’s gone. And we don’t get to fix that. I don’t get to be mad at him anymore for the way he reacted.”
“But I still get to be mad at myself,” I said into the silence, and her eyes widened. “I tried to bury myself into oblivion, tried to hurt my hands by working with East and building things and not caring if I got hit with a hammer or scraped my knuckles. I didn’t pick up a guitar until right when you came to the property. I wanted to forget everything because all I could do was see him beside me.”
“Gabriel.”
“I thought it was just me being drunk at first. And I kept drinking. And then I stopped drinking, and he would still be there so I would pick up the bottle again. I don’t need to drink now. That was never the real issue. The issue was every time I looked in a different direction, Mal would be sitting there, judging me. Hating me for what I did.”
“But what did you do? We were adults who made our own choices.”
“Because I loved you,” I shouted.
Her eyes widened, and I ran my hands over my face. “I was falling for you even before I kissed you that first time. Because of your smile, and the way that you laugh. I loved your talent. I loved that you never backed down with all of us, and we’re a lot. As a band, as a group with the crew, and everyone. We’re a lot. But you always stood toe-to-toe with us. And I was so fucking guilty for wanting you.”
“You never said?—”
I cut her off. “Of course I didn’t. Because when Mal was alive, I fucked up. I didn’t know how to tell you, and I wasn’t even sure if it was real or not. You know the world we live in. Nothing feels real. I mean, look at the narrative they’re painting right now.”
She shook her head. “And you said it’s all lies.”
“ It is. Because Maisie isn’t a lovechild. She’s our child. And you’re right. I wanted you, and it didn’t matter if we had one or fifteen drinks…I wanted you that night and I had you. Just like you had me.”
“Well, that’s something we can agree on finally.”
“But I never get to go back and tell Mal this. My best friend’s dead, Briar.”
She moved forward then, and wiped the tears I hadn’t realized had fallen onto my cheeks.
“I know. He’s gone, and I miss my brother so much. Maisie’s not ever going to know her uncle. He’s not going to be able to figure out a new nickname. He’s not going to call her Bug like he called me. I’m not going to hear him laugh and tell me I’m an idiot for falling for you. He’s not going to sing really bad karaoke to the Spice Girls when he gets drunk just to make me smile. We don’t get that anymore. And I hate it. I hate that the crew died, that Lacey died. I hate the fact that I don’t think I could ever get on a bus again.”
“I don’t think I can either,” I rasped. “I don’t know what we’re going to do on tour. We’re going to find something. At least I can get on a fucking plane, in a car. But every time I see a bus, I just imagine you falling backwards, and me throwing myself on top of you. And you still got hurt, Briar. Even though I tried to protect you, you still got hurt.”
I hadn’t even realized that was on my conscience until the words were out, and Briar shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“You couldn’t stop what happened. And you did protect me. Everyone said it would have been worse if you hadn’t covered me with your body. You got hurt to protect me.”
“But Mal is still gone.”
“Yes. And we’re standing here, shouting at each other, and I don’t know what I feel anymore. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when we walk out of here. The media will always be there, and that means they’re always going to wonder if I’m getting ahead in my career because I fucked you. And because I’m friends with Lark now.”
I growled. “Why would they think that?”
“Because it’s what they do. You see the hate mail that I get just by being with you. We can’t even leave this hotel together because we’re afraid that they’re going to get photos of Maisie. Where are we supposed to raise her? Are we even going to do it together? We keep ignoring these questions because they’re too hard, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“What does that mean?”
“If this is too much, it was always going to be too much.”
“So you’re saying that you can’t take my lifestyle?” I didn’t know why I was saying the words, but I was so damn scared that it was easier to yell rather than think.
“I don’t know why I’m here. But I love you, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.”
The words should have been a balm to soothe my soul, but it just lashed out at me, scaring me to death. I couldn’t protect her on that bus, just like I couldn’t protect Mal. How the hell was I supposed to do that with the media, and people scrambling to get more of the band and Maisie? How was I supposed to keep her safe?
“Then go home,” I said, wanting to take the words back as I even said them. “Be safe there.”
“You want me to go home? And what, take Maisie and you can see her whenever you’re not on tour? Is that what you want? I just told you that I love you, and you’re telling me to go home.”
“Because I can’t keep you safe.” I tugged on my hair, my breaths coming in pants. “The cameras are always going to be there. The questions are going to be there. But this is my life. I don’t know what else I could do.”
“I don’t know either. But I’ll leave. And if I leave, I’m not coming back.”
“I don’t know what to do because I fucking want you. I love you, Briar. I’ve always loved you. And that’s the problem. Because I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to live this life with you by my side without fucking it all up. Because I fucked it up with Mal, and I’m going to do the same to you. And the same with Maisie. And I’m so scared that my life is going to ruin that little girl’s life, just like it’s hurting you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“Gabriel…” she began, but before she could say anything, Brooks slammed into the room.
I turned to my brother, dread pooling in my gut.
“Maisie’s gone.”
My knees shook as Briar moved forward, leaning into me.
“What?” Briar and I said at the same time.
“I don’t fucking know.” Brooks slid his hands through his hair. “I took Maisie to Hilarie, and I figured we would just chill there while we waited for you guys to get it out of your systems, but then my phone rang with a work call, so I left the two of them. When I went back, they were gone. I can’t fucking find them.”
My heart leaped into my throat, and I pushed past my brother, running down the hall. “Maisie! Hilarie!”
Briar ran past me, and slammed into our nanny’s room, but nobody was there. It looked like someone had ransacked the room, and I pulled Briar back to me.
“Let me go. I need to find her.”
“No, we can’t touch anything. Right? If someone took her, the cops need to see this.”
“We already called them,” Jeff said from behind me, and I whirled, Briar in my arms. “You’re going to need to see this.”
He held out a note in a plastic bag, and bile rose in my throat.
“What does it say?” Briar asked, her voice so fucking strong. So strong that I knew that I would be the one to break here.
“It’s in Hilarie’s handwriting,” Brooks said softly as he looked over Jeff’s shoulder, my brother’s strong shoulders tightening, his face going gray.
Leave her.
Take me, Gabriel, my angel.
And we can raise our baby together.
“The cops are on their way. We’ll find her,” Jeff promised, but I wasn’t listening to him.
It was all I could do not to panic, throw up, do something.
I had done this. My job had done this.
Someone had taken our child, and it was all my fault.
I looked down at Briar, waiting for her to yell at me, to push at me, but instead her knees buckled, and I held her close as the world stood still. I knew the choices that I had made had led to this. Maisie, gone. The woman I loved in my arms, breaking down, ready to leave.
And I knew it was all my fault. Just like Mal.
My best friend had been right. I did fuck up everything I touched. I fell to the floor with Briar in my arms, as my brother moved forward, and then I couldn’t think of anything else.