Chapter 54 Annalise
Annalise
Thanksgiving comes and goes. Down comes the fall foliage, and up goes the twinkling holiday lights. It all looks the same.
Gray, dull, and hopeless.
It’s been two years since I met Chase Rhodes in my brother’s beaten-down, slushy-stained red sedan. He was fighting for his life then.
Now I’m fighting for mine.
I curl up on the couch with a fleece blanket as Kenna floats around my brother’s living room, lighting candles that smell like sugar cookies and peppermint pie. She hums Christmas songs under her breath, and I crack a smile when a note goes wildly off-key.
She shoots me a wink. “I knew my terrible singing would come in handy one day.”
“Mm,” I mutter, snuggling deeper into my blanket burrito of despair. “There is always a trace of joy to be found in tragedy.”
“You want to know the real tragedy here?”
“Not really.”
“You haven’t changed out of those ridiculous pajamas for a week. I swear, every time I see you, I’m forced to look at that off-putting pattern of hamsters reading romance novels.”
“You’re lucky I didn’t order the onesie version.”
She tucks the lighter in her pocket, a smile blooming. “Yeah, well, I think we both know it’s time for you to get off the couch, start writing again, and put the band back together. Chase was a big piece of it, but he wasn’t everything. You have too much talent to go to waste.”
My heart plummets at the mention of his name.
Maybe all five.
I pull the blanket up to my chin and set my jaw. “Morale is a bit low, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Of course I’ve noticed. Jesus, Annalise, this destroyed us all. But it’s not the end. It’s not over. And if you keep living like it is, you’ll never start living again.”
I swallow. “I don’t think I’m ready for your unsolicited wisdom yet.”
“I don’t care. I love you too much to watch you become a shadow of everything you are.
It hurts me. It hurts Tag. It hurts your limitless potential.
” Blowing out a breath, she strolls over to me in an oversize sage sweater and earthy brown leggings.
“I’m pissed at Chase. I’m so mad at him for breaking your heart.
But you know what? I respect him too. It took guts to walk away for the greater good.
Because he would rather leave than treat you any less than you deserve. ”
A bitter sting presses behind my eyes.
The kind that comes too fast, too sudden.
I tear off the blanket, shooting to my feet. “No. We’re not having this conversation again.”
“I just don’t want to see history repeat itself. I’ve watched you lose yourself before. With Alex. You gave and gave, until there was nothing left.”
“Don’t, Kenna. I love you, but don’t. This is not the same.
” I shake my head, hard and fast. “I’ve done a lot of soul-searching these past few months.
And I finally see it for what it was. With Alex, I was surviving.
Every day was about making it through, not about being happy.
I convinced myself that was love, but it wasn’t.
Love doesn’t drain you until you’re empty. Love gives back. Love makes you more.”
I drag in a ragged breath, pressing a hand to my chest. “And Chase…he was always the one reminding me I was enough. Every time I broke, he was there to catch me. Every time I slipped into the dark, he pulled me back into the light. Even when we stumbled, I never questioned it. He never made me feel like I owed him anything.”
Kenna watches me, her eyes wide and glassy, lips quivering.
“That’s the difference,” I say, voice cracking.
“Alex hollowed me out until there was nothing left but fear. Chase filled me back in. Piece by piece, note by note, until I could finally see myself again. And I won’t confuse survival with love ever again.
I won’t confuse fear with devotion. Chase isn’t Alex. Not then, not now, not ever.”
My voice cuts off, leaving us in a chasm of silence.
Kenna swallows hard, her lashes wet as she blinks at me, taking it all in.
Tag wanders down the stairs from his bedroom, scratching the back of his head. He glances between us, taking in the scene, the dynamic, the tension in the air.
I fold my arms and look away.
“Hey,” he says tightly.
Kenna sits up, reaches for her purse. “I’m gonna go.”
“You can stay.” Tag moves into the living room in a white T-shirt and sweatpants. “I’m about to make steaks.”
“Nah. I’m in my vegan era for at least the next month.” Kenna pops up from the couch, her hands disappearing inside the sleeves of her sweater.
I’m a stone block in the middle of the room, quivering with feeling. Pain, grief, anger, uncertainty. I keep my eyes trained on the floor as Kenna approaches with caution.
“Annalise,” she whispers. “Hey. Look at me.”
My eyes lift. Shimmering with all that feeling.
She pulls me into a firm hug. “I love you. So much. And I hear you, okay? I know they’re not the same. I saw the differences too. I’m only trying to help you heal.”
I soften in her arms, nodding against her shoulder as I hug her back. “I know.”
“I’m sorry I upset you.”
“I know.”
She strokes my unwashed hair. “Let’s go Christmas shopping tomorrow. I’ll buy you some new stones. Candles. And then I’ll feed you tacos until you pass out with a smile on your face.”
My laugh is sob-drenched as I squeeze her tighter. “Sounds perfect.”
Pulling back, she leaves me with a flash of teeth. “I’ll text you around lunch.”
“Okay.”
And then she’s gone, her eyes meeting with Tag’s before she walks out the door, something unspoken passing between them.
I swipe at my face, fix my hair. Then I clear my throat. “I’ll get the steaks ready.”
Tag follows me into the kitchen. “I got it. Go rest.”
“I’ve been resting for months. I need to stay busy.”
“Do you even know how to cook them?”
“Dubious.” My chest tightens. “But it’s never too late to learn. Accomplishing a perfectly cooked, medium-rare steak was on my bucket list for twenty-three.”
“Annalise.”
Ignoring him, I rummage through the fridge, pulling out random items.
Steaks, Worcestershire sauce, mustard, raspberry jam.
Tag peers over my shoulder. “Are you planning on cooking, or committing a hate crime against fallen cows?”
I slam the fridge shut and sniff. “It’s called creativity.”
“It’s called let me handle it. I’ll call you when it’s done.”
“Said I got it.”
I reach for the steaks and slam them on the counter. Then I peel them out, one by one, snatch a mallet, and start hammering on the beef until it tenderizes.
Until my heart tenderizes.
Until I can’t see through the tears, and the juices and blood start to blur into the horror movie that my life has become.
Tag’s hand flies out, snagging my wrist. “Sis…”
“No!” I shout, shoving him away. “Let me do this. I need to do this.”
“Annalise—”
“Go ahead,” I snap. “Tell me I’m losing it. Tell me I need to stay calm and to grow up.”
“No.” He exhales sharply. “I would never say that to you.”
I whip around, mallet still gripped in my hand. “Maybe you should. Maybe I need to hear it.”
“What you need is to put the murder weapon down and let me cook you a steak.”
“What I need is him. I need Chase, Tag. Nothing feels right without him. I can’t do this.
I can’t…” I toss the mallet on the counter and drag my hair back by the roots.
“I hate this. Everyone is back to normal, as if we weren’t international superstars months ago.
Kenna is lighting candles and humming Christmas songs.
Rock is touring France, sipping wine with his girlfriend.
Zach is off skiing with his daughter, and you’re living your best life like Chase walking out on us was a temporary blip.
Like we’ll all be backstage together soon, holding hands and singing fucking kumbaya. ”
He scoffs, eyes narrowing. “You think you’re the only one who lost him? You think it didn’t hurt me too?”
“You didn’t even like him half the time.”
“Bullshit.” He scrubs a hand through his hair. “I did like him. You know I did.”
“Your stakes weren’t even close to mine. You shared guitar solos with him. I shared everything. My heart. My body. My goddamn soul.”
“I know,” he says, softer now. “And I hate that he left. But maybe it was the right call. Maybe it was what you needed, even if you can’t see that yet.”
“I know what’s best for me. And it wasn’t that.”
“You think he’s happy out there? All alone in that cabin, knowing you’re—”
He stops short.
Bites down on his tongue.
A thick swallow snakes up his throat as his eyes dip to the floor, like he can scoop those words back up.
I blink, stunned.
Trembling and barely breathing.
I gape at him. “What cabin?”
Tag’s face goes white. “Nothing. Forget it.”
“What cabin?”
Shaking his head, he swivels away and charges into the living room.
“Tag! Don’t walk away from me.” I follow, breaking into a run, tripping over my feet. “What do you know? Has he contacted you? Do you know where he is?”
“Let it go, Annalise.”
“Absolutely not. You can’t—”
“It was just a hunch.” He whirls around. “You need to leave it.”
My eyes are huge, borderline crazed. “Never,” I breathe out.
I stare at him, my world dissolving like paper-maché.
I feel ambushed, bowled over, and thunderstruck.
But I know. I see it all over his guilty face.
Betrayal.
“You know where he is,” I whisper brokenly. “You’ve known this whole time.”
Tag looks like he’s been gut-punched. He doesn’t deny it. Doesn’t even try.
“How long?” I croak.
He rubs the back of his neck, exhaling sharp. “Dammit…”
“How. Long.” Each work stabs like a dagger.
“Six months.”
Something in me detonates. “What?”
My brother swipes both hands down his face, trying to erase the shame in his eyes. “Fuck,” he curses. “I’m sorry. You were never supposed to find out. I was trying to protect you.”
I blink a billion times.
My eyebrows swing up like they’re trying to escape what I just heard.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
This isn’t happening.
First Chase. Now Tag.
Two completely different betrayals. Two cracks in the same fault line.
One left me. The other stood beside me and said nothing.
Is that all I am? Someone people walk away from and lie to in the name of protection?
Because I don’t feel protected.
I feel stripped. Exposed. Like every person I’ve ever trusted has been holding a secret behind their teeth, just waiting to let it rot.
“How dare you,” I rasp, tears pooling in my eyes. “How dare you stand by and watch me suffer, all while you had the remedy in your back fucking pocket.”
His eyes flare. He looks shattered. Taking me by the shoulders, he bends to eye level. “I never wanted this.”
I wriggle out of his grip. “Don’t touch me.”
“Christ, Annalise, I didn’t plan any of this. A guitar showed up at my door—one of his builds. No note.” He swallows hard. “So I traced it.”
The air leaves me. “How?”
“There was a return label. Rural post office, no name. I got curious.” He lets out a bitter breath. “I dug into it, dropped the band name once or twice. One thing led to another.”
“You found him?”
“Yeah,” he murmurs. “I found him.”
For once in my life, I can hardly string together a handful of words. “Is that where you really went back in June when you said you were visiting your college buddy in Boston?”
A rueful nod.
“So you lied.”
“Because he begged me not to tell you,” Tag says, stepping forward. “He said if you knew where he was, you’d come after him. And he didn’t trust himself not to let you.”
My stomach pitches. “That doesn’t make sense. I don’t—”
“He was scared. He told me everything that happened that night…minus a few details I made him leave out.” Sighing, he rakes a hand through his hair and stares over my shoulder. “He said he hurt you. Said he was afraid he was becoming—”
“Yeah, I got that speech too,” I cut in, grief spilling down my cheeks.
“He fed me the same noble, self-sacrificing story. But you know what no one did? No one asked me. Not once. Not what I wanted. Not what I could handle. You both made choices for me like I’m some delicate flower who needs shade and watering, when all I needed was to be heard. To have a voice in my own story.”
Emotion glimmers in my brother’s eyes as he stares at me, pleading for forgiveness with just a look.
“He didn’t want to leave you,” he says. “God, he looked broken. But he was convinced staying would hurt you more, and I believed him. I believed him because I couldn’t watch you go through that again.
I believed him because if someone has the balls to walk away from the love of their life, they’re either a coward or they’re trying to save her.
” He pauses, reaching for me again. “And Chase isn’t a coward. ”
“I don’t need saving anymore,” I counter, pulling back. “I just need him. I’ve needed him for eight months.”
Tag’s eyes meet mine. Glassy. Torn. “I know.”
“I can’t believe you kept this from me.”
“I thought I was doing the right thing,” he says. “That you’d move on, start living again.”
I shake my head, blindsided, reeling in the aftermath of another catastrophic blow.
My jaw tightens as I clench my teeth, gaze lifting.
Something softer punches through the steely haze.
“Is he…okay?” I croak.
Tag blinks at me, then looks away. “Subjective.”
“It’s a straightforward question.”
“I don’t know, Annalise.” He throws his arms up. “He looked like hell, okay? But he loves you. Misses you. So…I don’t know how to answer that.”
I square my shoulders and take a step forward. “Give me the address.”
Silence. He doesn’t move.
“Tag.”
A long pause. A longer sigh.
Then, reluctantly—
“Top dresser drawer.”