Chapter 36
Fear vs Fight
Trevor
These sessions are no longermandatory, but I still come seeing as they’ve helped me to find myself again. Knowing all the things I’ve lost because of my temper has made me determined to lock it away.
It’s not just getting to talk. It’s been the ability to listen and glean from these men what’s been causing a change. My problems seem so small compared to others.
“I’m broken. She deserves better. I’m pushing as hard as I can, but how long will she wait?” Tommy says as he punches his legs.
“First, Tommy. I want you to take a deep breath. I’m happy you’re expressing how you feel, but you also have to put into perspective all that’s happening in your situation,” Dr. Winsor says.
“She’ll wait as long as you need her to,” I murmur.
“What?” Tommy nearly sobs as he turns to look at me.
“She’ll wait as long as you need her to. You’ve told us yourself how strong the love between the two of you is. Love like that doesn’t understand or bend to time.
“It doesn’t quit because of an hour or a year. Love like that holds you frozen in time. Waiting, wishing, breathing for your other half to return.
“Love like that takes you as you are, but it will heal so much when you’re patient with it. That type of love breathes life back into dead things. I don’t think she’ll give up on you.
“You’re doing that to yourself. If you want to fight, fight, but don’t blame that chair. Your love brought y’all through miracles before. Maybe this is just a reminder that it can again,” I finish.
“Thank you, Trevor. That was very insightful. Blunt but true. Tommy, I do believe you’re setting anchors and boundaries that are impeding your course. Your wife has expressed she’s still in love with you.”
“She has?” Tommy says with hope in his eyes.
“Yes, she has. It’s time you become whole in here”—she points to her temple—“before you can become whole in here—” she points to her heart—“The rest … time will tell,” she says softly.
“I think I’m ready to start the couples’ sessions,” he murmurs.
“That’s great news. See Lieutenant Parker on your way out today. He will set up the appointment,” Dr. Winsor says.
Tommy nods, and Dr. Winsor ends the session. I grab my water bottle and get ready to head out. I want to get some work done on the studio this afternoon.
Tommy rolls his chair in front of me before I can walk away. Seeing he has something he wants to say to me, I reclaim my seat. He stares at me for a moment as if thinking through his words.
“I wanted to thank you. No one gives it to me straight anymore. It’s like they feel my feelings are a handicap too,” he finally says.
“If you can’t see the truth, you can’t see the solution. You already know what you want. Now it’s time to go for it.”
“Does that mean you’re going to go buy a ring? I wouldn’t let that opportunity hang in the air after all you’ve been through,” he says.
I look down at my water bottle and allow his words to sink in. Why haven’t I bought a ring and proposed? I know I want to marry Lynn. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
I look up into Tommy’s eyes. “Thanks. You’re right. We can’t allow fear to keep us from happiness,” I say and stand, patting him on his shoulder as I walk by and leave him with that final thought.
***
“Well, son. What’s the plan?”my daddy says as he and Moses meet me in front of the store. I’d asked them to meet me there.
“I’m buying that engagement ring I should have bought years ago,” I say.
“It’s about darn time,” Moses croons.
“I asked you both here to help me pick the right one. It has to be special, but it has to be right,” I say.
“I understand exactly what you mean. Come on, let’s see what they’ve got to offer,” Daddy says.
“I’m excited for my baby girl,” Moses says as he rubs his hands together.
I place a hand on his shoulder and give a gentle squeeze. It’s good to see him up and about. He looks so much better.
“I’m happy to have her home,” I say.
* * *
Lynn
“Thanks for stopping by.I know how busy you must be,” I say to Cliff as I let him into the house.
“Not a problem at all. It’s good to see you, darlin’. How can I help? That cousin of mine treating you right?”
I laugh. “I think he’s doing his best.”
“He better be.”
I walk us over to the kitchen and take out some sweet tea to pour two glasses. Cliff has a seat as he looks around. I place a glass in front of him, then move to take the seat beside him.
“How about you? How have you been treating yourself?”
“I’m getting along fine.”
“Do you still miss her?”
“Every single day.”
“Oh, Cliff. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you more.”
He reaches to cover my hand and looks into my eyes. I can see the pain resting in his. There’s so much pain and sadness.
“You’ve been doing just what Pook would have wanted. She’d be so proud of you. Neither of us would have wanted you to be worried about this old fool.”
“You’re no fool, Cliff. What you’ve done with that ranch is amazing. I know she would be proud of you too.
“You’re such a handsome man. I don’t think my sister would have wanted this for you. What about having a family?”
“Cakes, you ain’t been around so you wouldn’t know this. Trevor gave me a family. I’ve helped raise his kids.
“Until recently, Jess and I were thick as thieves. I love those four as if they were my own. I still miss your sister and wish we’d had a chance to live our lives together, but I’m all right.
“Let me ask you something,” he says.
“Okay, go on.”
“In the last twenty years, have you met anyone who could replace Trev?”
“No.”
“Well, there you have it. There isn’t anyone who could replace Brooke for me. I’ve become content with other loves.
“The love of what I do. The love of my family. The love of watching you follow your dreams. That’s become enough for me because I know I could never find another Pook.
“I was there when Jess was born, I was there when she took her first steps. I cheered almost as loud as Trev did during her graduation. Seeing you has brought back memories because you have her face, but I’m living, Cakes. I promise you I am.”
“I just wish there was more I could do,” I murmur.
“There is. Keep loving that stubborn cousin of mine. He’s been through a lot, and this happiness I see in his eyes make us all happy. I’ve always felt guilty, like all this was my fault.”
“How so?”
“If I wasn’t having a pity party, I would have been able to protect him. I would have been able to get him to listen to reason. She never would have gotten near him. Instead, I was drunk off my ass and can’t remember a darn thing about that night.”
He sighs. “What was that Pook used to say? Don’t live in the past because God is the only one who can do anything with it. Donna’s gone, and you’re finally in this house he built for you.
“Helping Trev out kept me going. Those kids gave me something to live for. All I want now is to see you and Trev have a happy ending. I’d give anything for that,” he says.
“I get why my sister loved you.”
He chuckles and finishes his tea. “I’m glad you do. I still ain’t figured that one out. All I know is I loved her more than the devil loves sin.”
A distant look comes to his eyes, but I don’t pry or push any further. I give him a hug and turn for the paperwork I ask him over to talk about. We all deal with our grief differently. Who am I to say his way is wrong?
* * *
Trevor
“Hey, Daddy,”Jess sings as she walks into the restaurant I’m waiting in.
I wanted to get her opinion on the ring before going home. She’s been running errands for Lynn, so we’re having dinner together.
“Hey, darlin’.”
I pull her into my embrace. She’s been so much happier now that she’s Matt, Maggie, and Elise’s assistant. Which technically makes her Lynn’s assistant.
I pull her chair so she can have a seat. Then I sit across from her and take a sip of my water. I haven’t been this nervous in years.
There’s a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me she’s going to say no again. I know that’s not true, but it’s been hard to shut that voice down. It would kill me if she rejected me again.
“What’s up, Daddy? Why are you sweating so much? What’s going on?”
I pick up my napkin and dab at my forehead. What if I picked the wrong ring? Maybe I should wait for the tour to be over before I ask.
“I’m going to propose to Lynn,” I blurt out.
“Oh my God. Really? Daddy, I’m so happy for you guys.
“Did you get the ring yet? When do you plan to propose? How are you going to do it? Can I help?”
“Slow down now. One thing at a time.” I chuckle.
I reach for the ring box and place it on the table. She snaps it up and opens the box. Her eyes grow wide then her mouth falls open.
“This is gorgeous. You did so good, Daddy. She’s going to love it.”
She hands the box back and I stare down at the ring. It’s an emerald cut diamond surrounded by diamonds mounted on a diamond band. It sparkles brilliantly in the lighting of the restaurant.
“It’s not too much?”
Jess giggles. “You’re so cute right now. She’s going to love it. It’s perfect.”
“Don’t laugh at me. I’ve never done this before,” I say.
She tilts her head and studies me. “You never bought Mama a ring? But she has that gawdy thing on her finger.”
“She bought that for herself. With my money of course,” I say and pull a sour face.
“Makes sense,” she mumbles. “Well, it’s perfect. When are you going to do it?”
“I was going to give it to her tonight.”
“Wait, tell me you planned something special for tonight as beautiful as that ring is. You can’t just say here, we’re getting married.”
I start to rub my temple. “I had planned to get down on one knee and ask.”
She groans. “Daddy, no. You can do better than that. Give me a week. I’ve got you. Let me look into a few things, and I’ll give you a few ideas to pick from. We’ll put something good together, I promise.”
“Thanks, Jess. I appreciate this.”
“It’s the least I can do.”