13. You Lasted Two Minutes
YOU LASTED TWO MINUTES
ANNELISA
After a few weeks of missed opportunities, Morgan and I are finally sitting across from each other at our long overdue girls’ dinner.
We’d met in the car park and things had felt slightly awkward when we’d sat down.
Morgan and I had never struggled for things to talk about growing up, and we certainly didn’t do awkward small talk.
But she seems nervous while the waiter takes our drinks orders, and even asks me how I’m liking the weather now that I’m back.
We’ve never once talked about the weather in our lives.
I’m not doing much better, though. I’d felt all jittery when we’d leaned in for a hug, and that feeling hasn’t subsided since we came inside.
How do you just go back to hanging out with your best friend after you disappeared without a word?
The waiter reappears with our drinks, and we thank him politely, and the awkward silence returns once he leaves. Until Morgan clears her throat and fixes me with a curious look .
“So. How’d the talk with Will go?” she asks, taking a sip of her lime and soda while looking down at her menu.
I laugh and glance at my watch. “Two minutes. You lasted two minutes before asking.”
Morgan grins and gives a little shrug. “You know me, I’m a diehard gossip. And also, Will wouldn’t tell me anything. So spill.” She closes the menu and looks at me expectantly.
I sigh, giving in. “It was fine… I guess. I mean, we didn’t have a raging argument or anything like that. He wants to keep in touch.”
Morgan raises an eyebrow. “And how do you feel about that?”
I shrug. “I expected him to hate me and never want to see me again. I’ve been dreading seeing him for so long… But I think a part of me knew it was going to happen eventually.”
Or maybe that was just wishful thinking, hoping everyone could just forgive me for making such a colossal mess of everything.
Morgan tilts her head while she considers my words for a moment.
“Well, to be honest, I’m not surprised he wanted to talk.
He was screwed up for a long time after you left.
” I know this is just the beginning of a long conversation and take a mouthful of my wine as she continues speaking.
“I was going to try to keep tonight light, but I gotta ask, Lis… Why’d you just leave like that?
You didn’t just leave Will… You left all of us.
” Her voice catches, but she pushes on. “I’ve missed you so much.
And you’ve missed so much in everyone’s lives.
I’ve had two children who should have known you from the minute they were born.
You missed Jake and Bri’s wedding, and Kylie’s.
You haven’t even met her husband and now they’ve got two kids.
And I strongly suspect that a large part of the reason Tara eloped was because you weren’t around. ”
I can see the pain in her expression while she lays it all out for me, and I reach across the table to grip her hand tightly, feeling the prick of tears forming behind my eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” I say, my voice hoarse. “What has Will told you?”
She shakes her head. “Not a huge amount, but I’ve kind of worked out a few things myself. I get the feeling kids and marriage were involved, right? He wanted it and you didn’t?”
I pause, wondering how deep to go. “Yeah, something like that,” I say, feeling bad for not being completely honest, but there are just some things that are best left in the past. “When I left… I wasn’t in a good place.
Mentally, I mean. I couldn’t see past the darkness I was living in, and didn’t stop to think about how my actions would affect everyone else.
” I swallow hard, the memories of those final few months of our relationship causing an ache deep in my chest. An ache that has been steadily growing stronger ever since I saw him again and the door I’d kept firmly shut in my mind had been thrown wide open.
“All I was able to think about was I wasn’t ready for that life.
I didn’t even know if I wanted that life.
But Will was always destined to be a husband and a father.
It’s just who he is. And we were so wrapped up in each other that if he stayed with me…
” I draw in a shaky breath. “He wouldn’t be able to have the life he deserved.
” My voice cracks, and I struggle to get the words out while trying to keep my emotions in check.
“I thought if I just disappeared, he would be able to move on and find that with someone else.”
What I don’t add is that, while that was what I hoped would happen, the idea of Will with anyone made me feel sick, so I just tried not to think about him at all. I mean, I never succeeded, but I damn well tried.
Morgan shakes her head, her expression full of sadness.
“That didn’t happen though… I’m sure Tara has already given you grief over this, but…
You really hurt him, Lis. The day you left, he…
” She stops, and I can tell she doesn’t want to tell me just how bad that day was for him.
Whether that’s for my benefit or out of respect for Will, I’m not sure.
“He struggled so much for the first year or so, and it was painful watching that. I mean, he’s dated since you left.
A lot. But none of those relationships have stuck.
I thought maybe his last girlfriend might finally work out, but he broke up with her about two months ago.
She was devastated. I think she really thought things were fine.
But it was obvious that he couldn’t give her all of himself. Not like he did with you…”
The lump of emotion I’ve been fighting against lodges itself in my throat. I had desperately hoped he wasn’t as broken as I was. The knowledge that he’s not been able to find the happiness he deserves is hard to accept. That my leaving had destroyed him as much as it did me.
She pauses, taking a deep breath while her eyes glisten, and I swallow hard when she starts speaking again.
“I wanted to hate you.” A tear escapes, running down her cheek before she swipes it away.
“But… I knew you well enough to know that something drastic must have happened for you to leave like that.” She continues to study me closely.
“I guess I just wonder if you’re going to stick around this time…
I’ve missed you so much, but I’m also scared that I’ll get used to you being around and have you suddenly leave if things get rough again… ”
I draw in a shaky breath. Having to face my mistakes is really difficult, but I know I can’t avoid this.
“I really am sorry,” I say, avoiding the comment about how long I’ll be sticking around for.
“This is why I didn’t get back in contact with anyone, though.
I know I’ve hurt everyone and don’t expect forgiveness.
I really want to get to know you as you are now, though, and spend time with the girls. Let’s just start there, okay?”
She pauses for a moment before giving me a small smile and nodding.
I feel the tension in my shoulders ease a little as relief floods through me. I knew it was never going to be as simple as saying sorry and expecting everyone to just move on from what I did. But I don’t know if I have the stamina to deal with all the guilt.
We eventually move on to less fraught topics, and over dinner, we find common ground, discussing the antics of both Brandie and Lucy, as well as the arrival of baby Caidin almost a year ago .
“Honestly, Lis, I had no idea just how hard sleep deprivation would be. But I think I’m just used to it now,” Morgan says, and I nod.
“Yeah, Tara said the same thing. She’s only got Brandie, obviously, so it’s not the same as having two, but I remember speaking to her on video chat when Brandie was about two months old, and she was in tears from having been awake for so long.
It definitely wasn’t pretty for a few months.
I think Aiden was sleepwalking through work. ”
“Oh yeah, I was so lucky with Chris. It helped to have friends and family around as well, though.” Morgan stifles a yawn and then places a hand to her breast in discomfort, while I try not to wince at the reference of the friends being around.
“Ack, I shouldn’t have mentioned the kids.
My boobs are aching like crazy now. I fed Caidin before I left, but she must be due for a feed soon.
This has been great, though. I’m glad we can still talk like we used to. ”
I smile. “Me too. I haven’t had a good girly chat like this in a while. Well, aside from with Tara, obviously, but that’s different.” We go to the counter to pay our bill before heading out to the car park.
Morgan stops beside her car, hitting the button to unlock it. “Well, you have to come around for dinner next week.”
I smile cautiously. “Sure… As long as this time there are no surprise visits.”
I give her a pointed look and she laughs.
“Well, I didn’t plan that, I promise. But maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, a dinner with Chris and I as a buffer?” She raises an eyebrow.
I shake my head. “Honestly, I don’t think that would help. We were supposed to be trying to ease into speaking to each other, but we haven’t been in touch since our walk. Not sure that either of us knows how to be the one to make first contact, truth be told. ”
I pray that Morgan won’t push it any further, and am relieved when she steps forward to wrap me in a hug.
“Well, it’ll just be us then, I promise. I’ll message you and we can work out what night next week suits you, okay?” She waves goodbye, climbing into her car and pulling away.
Alone again, I let out a breath while I sag against my own car. Although the night had started out a little rough, I’m happy with how it went. Ever since our chance meeting, I’ve had to admit that I missed my best friend more than I thought. A friendship as long as ours is hard to walk away from.
Almost as hard as leaving behind the love of my life.
When I get back to Mum’s place, my phone rings as I’m walking up the stairs. I glance at the screen, surprised to see my youngest half-sister’s name on the screen. Piper rarely calls me, preferring to communicate purely via text messages.
“Hey. What’s up?” I say, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder while I unlock the door.
“Can you please tell Mum I’m old enough to go to Jessica’s boy/girl sleepover this weekend? She’s refusing to let me go.”
Ah, to be thirteen and this is the biggest concern in life.
“I don’t think your mum wants me to tell her what to do, Pipes.”
“I told you! Don’t bug Lis with this stuff,” her older sister, fifteen-year-old Jordan, butts in.
Guess I’m on speaker phone.
“Come on, Lis. She’ll listen to you,” Piper whines.
“Piper, honey, I’m sure your mum has her reasons for not letting you go. Thirteen is a bit young for a sleepover where boys will be.”
“You suck. You’re meant to be the cool one,” she snaps, hanging up.
“I am the cool one!” I exclaim, staring at the blank screen .
A second later, Jordan’s name flashes up.
“Sorry. She’s been going on about this for two weeks. I think she really thought you’d be able to change Mum’s mind.”
Jordan is by far the more mature of the two girls.
Since they came into mine and Tara’s lives four years ago, we’ve been working on developing a relationship with them.
While I’m glad that they are now coming to me with their problems, I’m definitely not prepared to ask Jo to let her youngest daughter go to a sleepover with boys if she’s not ready for it.
Especially because Jo and I still aren’t particularly close.
“It’s okay. Not used to her being such a teenager, though,” I reply, walking into the kitchen and pulling a bottle of water out of the fridge.
“She’s been arguing with Mum non-stop. Maybe we could come stay with you for a sleepover? Give Mum a break? We usually go to Tara’s, but that was before you were back.”
I feel a tightness in my chest. Everyone is acting like I’m back for good, and all I can think about is how much I’m going to disappoint everyone when I leave again.
“Sure. I’ll talk to your mum and we can work something out.”
We chat a bit more, and when I hang up, I’m surprised at how excited I am at the idea of having the girls over for a night. They were a large part of the reason I came home, though, wanting to improve my relationship with them and become more than just a face on the screen to them.
At least some parts of my life are on the right track… Just need to work on the relationships with my former friends, I guess. That part seems much more complicated.