18. Always Hard Coming Home
ALWAYS HARD COMING HOME
ANNELISA
After last night’s activities, I need chocolate.
I’ve raided every cupboard in Mum’s apartment, but the small stash I usually keep for emergencies is all gone, devoured after my first encounter with Will.
Between worrying about Dale and the heart wrenching conversation with Will, I’m in desperate need of comfort food right now.
I make a beeline for the confectionary aisle and begin throwing my favourite dark chocolate and peanut butter bars into my basket, bopping away to the R&B song that’s pumping through the speakers in my ears.
A tap on the shoulder startles me, and I whirl around while I pull out one earbud, once again coming face to face with someone I haven’t seen for seven years.
“Annelisa, it is you!” Will’s mother, Cara Anderson, pulls me in for a tight hug before I have a chance to react.
I freeze, thrown by this warm greeting, given how things ended between Will and myself.
“Cara. It’s good to see you,” I reply once she’s taken a step back.
“Will told me you were back. I’m so glad I ran into you.”
“Really?” I ask, unable to hide the surprise in my tone.
She smiles, patting my arm. “Yes honey, really.”
I consider her for a moment. “But…” I don’t know how to put into words the confusion I’m feeling, but it must be written all over my face, because she moves her hand from my arm to stroke my cheek.
It’s a motion filled with so much familiarity and tenderness that a lump forms in my throat.
“Honey, I never held it against you about Will. I know how much you loved my son, and I know you never meant to hurt him when you left.”
I hesitate for a moment, considering her words. “He told you… Didn’t he?”
She pauses for a beat before nodding slowly.
I don’t quite know how to process this information.
I knew that Will had kept the circumstances leading up to the end of our relationship from everyone in our friendship circle, but it had never occurred to me that maybe he’d confided in his mother.
For so long, I’d thought we were the only two people in the world who knew what had happened, but it makes sense that he needed someone to talk to.
He was always more open with his feelings than I was, which was a large part of the reason I’d loved him so much. He was my better half in so many ways.
“I know things were hard in the end, but I have to confess, when he told me you were back, I was relieved. ”
I automatically go to correct her about being back, but my brain gets stuck on the last part of her sentence.
“Relieved? Why? I always assumed that everyone must hate me now… I know Kylie definitely has issues with me being around again.” Tara had told me last week that her best friend had many choice words with her recently about my sudden return, but she’d told her to simply leave her out of it.
“Kylie was always one to see things in black and white. But I’m more of a shades of grey kind of person.
And Kylie doesn’t know the truth about what happened.
I think you might find, if she did, she’d be less harsh in her judgement.
Have you at least confided in your mother about what happened? Or Tara?”
I shake my head. “It isn’t something I like to talk about.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Sweetheart, I know you’ve never been one to wear your heart on your sleeve, but something as big as this… It’s important to work through your feelings. Even if you can’t speak to one of your loved ones, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a therapist?”
I let out a puff of air. “Everyone keeps saying that. But I’m honestly fine. It was seven years ago… I’d rather just leave the past where it belongs.”
She squeezes my arm. “But have you? Left it behind you, I mean? I’m not sure that Will has.”
The reminder that I broke her son’s heart with my own careless actions is like a knife to the chest. This woman was once as dear to me as my own mother, and knowing that she still cared so much about my wellbeing after what I did is hard to deal with.
“I thought I had. But being here, and now having seen everyone again…” I shrug, not sure how to finish that sentence.
“It’s always hard coming home. I know Tim feels the same when we go back to Calgary, although that’s obviously different. With every new life experience, we change a little each time. Sometimes, the people we love change with us, and other times…” Her words trail of f.
“And other times, we have to let them go,” I finish for her.
“But perhaps we find our way back to them when the timing is right,” she adds quietly.
“I don’t think that’s going to be the case for Will and me,” I say, not wanting her to get her hopes up.
“We never know what the future has in store for us, Annelisa. But whatever happens, I’m always here for you, okay? You can talk to me about anything.”
With another squeeze of my arm, she leaves me to get back to her shopping, and I stare after her, wondering what just happened.
Several chocolate bars and a run later, I flop down on the couch with my laptop in front of me.
I have six thousand words that I need to write to stay on deadline with my editor, and I’m struggling to think of a single one.
The words have been eluding me more and more lately, and I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve lost my passion for writing.
While I’m staring at the blank page, my phone vibrates on the table, indicating an incoming message. Grateful for the distraction, I close the laptop and get up, swiping the phone off the table.
Morgan
Thanks so much for your help last night. Chris told me he’d sent Will over as backup, I’m so sorry.
Annelisa
It’s okay. We actually got along, for the most part. Only a touch of weirdness. How’s your dad?
Morgan
He’s okay. They are sending him to his regular doctor for more tests, but it wasn’t a heart attack, at least .
I feel my shoulders lower a little, relieved that it didn’t appear to be anything serious.
I’d been refusing to let the memories of my father’s final days resurface, and having Will around last night had served as a distraction, but anxiety has been churning away in my stomach since I woke up this morning. I don’t wish that pain on anyone.
I type back a short message sharing my relief, before putting the phone back down, assuming the conversation is over. As I move back towards the couch, the phone vibrates again.
Taking this as a sign to just take the phone with me, I carry it to the couch while I read the next message.
Morgan
I was planning to ask you last night, but we didn’t get a chance. What are you doing for the long weekend?
Annelisa
As my social circle is very limited these days, I do not, in fact, have any plans. Why?
Morgan
We are all going camping. Want to come?
I stare at the phone. Surely she can’t be serious? I know she’s desperate for things to go back to how they used to be, but nothing good can come from us all going on a holiday together.
As if she can sense my hesitation, another message swiftly follows.
Morgan
Please? It’ll be fun.
I chew my bottom lip while my finger hovers over the screen. Nothing about this seems like a good idea. While Morgan is eager for me to just slot back into the empty void I left in the group, I don’t know that I can say the same for the others.
Annelisa
I really don’t think it’s a good idea, M.
Morgan
Please just think about it. Don’t say no right away.
I shake my head. She was never any good at accepting no for an answer. If she wasn’t such a nice person, it would be really hard to deal with. Instead, most of us just give in because we know she’s going to get her way eventually.
So instead of saying no like I definitely should, I type back.
Annelisa
Fine, I’ll think about it.
I toss my phone aside and stare at it.
Well, I wasn’t lying. It’s going to be all I think about now.