29. Fuck It
FUCK IT
ANNELISA
I open my eyes as the first rays of early morning light hit the side of Will’s swag.
He’s lying behind me with his arm slung over my waist, his warm breath tickling the back of my neck.
I can tell he’s still asleep, and I slowly lift his arm so that I can scoot out, hoping he still sleeps as deeply as he used to.
What the hell was I thinking last night? When Will lay down beside me, it had felt so right, but we crossed the line so far it’s basically been obliterated.
Managing to crawl back into my clothes without waking him, I unzip the swag slowly, watching Will’s face the entire time for signs of him waking.
It really is a beautiful face. Watching him sleep was always one of my favourite things to do in the morning. Of course, it was even better when he woke slowly and those startling blue eyes met mine while a sleepy smile danced across his lips.
I almost consider staying just to see that smile. To see if it’s as beautiful as I remember.
But then again, the smile might not appear. I have no idea where his mind is at after what happened last night, and I don’t want to stick around to find out that he thought it was a massive mistake.
Because it was… Wasn’t it?
We should not have made out on the beach.
We really should not have gotten each other off right there on the sand.
And we definitely should not have had sex in his swag.
But we did all of those things. Entirely sober and of our own free will. I’m not sure on his reasoning, but for me, it’s because the feeling of his lips on mine brought back all the memories. Memories that I’ve spent seven years running from because I don’t deserve his love after how I left him.
Slipping out the canvas door, I am relieved to see that no one else is up yet.
I zip it closed and head for the amenities block, where I spend far too long berating myself in the mirror, before crawling back into my own tent.
I pray that Will doesn’t come looking for me before everyone gets up.
Hopefully, he just sticks with his usual camping routine and goes for an early surf with Kylie again.
He deserves to spend the morning doing what he loves while I stew over the monumental mess I’ve made.
I attempt to go back to sleep, but once I hear the voices of small children and people moving around, I know it’s completely useless. I eventually crawl out of my tent and see Morgan and Chris at the communal food area, getting the girls breakfast sorted.
“Good morning. Did you sleep okay?” Morgan says, handing me a cup when I flick on the kettle to make a cup of coffee.
“Sort of,” I reply, unable to bring myself to look her in the eye.
“Were you up much later after we went to bed?” she asks, not seeming to notice my cagey behaviour.
“A little while. I was stargazing for a bit, and then chatted to Will before going to bed.” I figure if I don’t outright lie, it won’t be so bad.
She raises her head from the bowl of mushy Weet-bix she is stirring for Caidin. “You chatted with Will? How’d that go?”
I shrug. “Fine.” Definitely not telling her that we slept together.
The spark of interest in her eyes is hint enough that if she finds out the truth, I won’t hear the end of it.
“Sorry again about Taylor. I’m sure Will mentioned they had a bit of an exchange yesterday afternoon. I should have warned you about her coming, but I really thought it would be fine.”
I shake my head. “Well, I did tell her she needed to talk to Will about her issues, cause it had nothing to do with me. I guess she must have, given she left.”
Morgan sighs. “She admitted she’d been holding out hope that Will would want to get back together, so having you back on the scene kind of brought that hope crashing down.”
I screw up my face. “Ugh. I was trying to avoid getting caught in the middle of whatever was going on there. And I’m not ‘back on the scene’,” I reply, making air quotes on either side of my face.
Morgan shakes her head, but it’s Chris who replies. “You’re fooling yourself if you think there’s nothing between the two of you still, Lis.”
I stare at him for a moment, and he holds my gaze, his jaw slightly clenched. Chris usually keeps his thoughts to himself, so for him to so openly give his opinion is a pretty big deal. And not something I was prepared to deal with this early in the morning.
I’m saved from answering, though, when Will comes up behind me and joins the conversation.
“Good morning. What are we talking about?” he asks, flicking a glance my way.
I avoid meeting his gaze, busying myself with my coffee.
“Just talking about how the two of you need to sort your shit out. You know, the usual morning chit chat,” Chris replies, banging around as he takes his frustrations out on the spoon he’s using to stir Lucy’s breakfast .
While Will and I stare at him, I become aware of the others joining us, their expressions wary as they herd their little people towards the food area.
“Can I talk to you for a moment?” Will asks after a moment, turning to look at me again.
I’m torn. While I don’t really want to talk about last night, I also don’t want to have the conversation with an audience, and something tells me that he won’t let me get away with avoiding it, regardless of who is around.
I nod and follow him down towards the beach, avoiding the curious looks from Jake and Bri. Kylie is glaring after us, and Tara just looks resigned.
Fabulous.
“Well… that was a fun way to start the morning,” I say, hoping to lighten the mood a little when he stops walking and turns to face me.
We’re still within view of the others, but at least they shouldn’t be able to hear us from where we’re standing just up from the sand.
“Chris had a point, though. And whether you want to admit it or not, you are ‘back on the scene’,” he says, his jaw set while he uses air quotes the same way I did.
I cringe. “You heard that, huh?” I finally meet his gaze properly, not loving the anger I see in his eyes, but knowing I deserve it.
“Uh, yeah. Was really heart-warming to hear that the woman I slept with last night doesn’t want to admit she’s in my life.”
I let out a long breath before raking my hand through my hair. “Come on, Will. I was talking to Morgan. I didn’t want to get into it all with her. Especially when we hadn’t even discussed what last night meant between ourselves.”
He crosses his arms over his chest. “I think it’s time for the truth, Annie.
I’ve let you have your secrets, and avoided talking about the things that make you uncomfortable.
Like the majority of our relationship. But it’s time to be honest with me now.
What made you come home after all these years?
I know you had no intention of coming back to me, but something brought you home.
” The frustration rolls off him in waves as he stares at me, waiting for me to reply.
I feel myself deflate as exhaustion hits me, knowing it’s time to deal with my demons.
“When Dad died, his death hit me hard. Harder than I thought it would. Tara had managed to mend her bridges with him, but I hadn’t.
Not properly. And I think that was the final straw that broke me, after…
” I stop myself, still not able to bring up the end of our relationship.
“So when I went back to London after the funeral, I spent the next few years trying to sort myself out. But nothing worked. I needed my family. I needed to come back to see if things were better for me here. I spent seven years running away from everything and everyone that I loved, and it broke me. I wasn’t capable of being happy, no matter what I did.
And I know I don’t deserve to be happy. Not after everything that happened with us. ”
Throughout my monologue, Will’s expression softens, and when he reaches out to hug me, I selfishly allow him to try to comfort me.
“You’ve got to stop bottling everything up, Annie. I could have helped you, if you’d only let me.” He rests his chin on the top of my head as I allow the tears to roll freely down my face.
I shake my head. “I wasn’t your problem to fix. I walked away from you so that you didn’t have to feel like I was a burden anymore. You deserved so much more than I could give you. A family. Someone with way less baggage than what I had.”
His arms tighten around me. “You’re kidding, right? I have never wanted anyone like I wanted you, Annie. You were never a burden. I never felt like I had to fix you. I just loved you.”
I sigh, pressing my forehead against his chest for a moment before looking up at him.
“Do you regret last night?” he asks, his eyes searching mine.
I shake my head after a moment. “The only thing I have ever regretted when it comes to you was how I walked away, Will. That’s the honest truth.
But it’s been seven years. We’re different people now.
I don’t know how we can just start again.
” He moves to wipe away the tear working its way down my cheek.
I still don’t know how to tell him that I’m not even sure if I’m staying.
As I try to sort through my feelings, guilt sets in.
I’ve just poured my heart out, but here is still one thing I’m not being honest with him about.
And I don’t know how to tell him without giving up on the fantasy that we might be able to give this a try again.
I shake my head again. “I can’t, Will. I’m not the girl that you can fix anymore. The one who cries and you wipe her tears away. I’m a broken shell of that girl.”
The sound of footsteps causes us both to turn, and Will stiffens when we see Kylie marching towards us, with Tara hurrying behind her.
“Not now, Bug,” Will says, still keeping his arms around me.
“No, fuck this. I’ve had enough of the dramatics. What the hell is going on? Are you guys back together?” She stands a few feet away with her arms crossed as she glares at me.
“Kyles, come on. It’s not our business.” Tara tries to tug her back, but she holds firm.
“Like hell it’s not. Whatever happened seven years ago almost destroyed this group. And I think it’s time you guys tell us the truth. You owe us that much.”
Tara looks from Kylie to us, then back. I know she’s torn between wanting to give us our privacy and agreeing with Kylie.
Behind them, I can see Morgan, Jake, Bri and Chris lingering close by.
Seth and Aiden, not having been around back when I left, seem to be trying to stay out of it, gathering all the kids together and heading towards the amenities block.
“You really want to know what happened, Kylie?” I snap, stepping out of Will’s arms .
“Yes,” she says through clenched teeth while she continues to hold my gaze.
We’d once been as close as sisters, but right now, the animosity is thick in the air.
“Fine, fuck it.” I throw my hands up in the air.
“I was pregnant, okay? But it was an ectopic pregnancy.” I look up at Will, sucking in a breath, knowing the next words are going to rip his heart out.
“And two weeks before I left… I found out that I couldn’t have children.
” His eyes widen as he scans my face. I can’t bring myself to look at him anymore, so I turn back to our friends, their stunned faces staring back at me.
“Will didn’t deserve to have to deal with all my shit when he was grieving.
So I ran away. And I’ve regretted it every single fucking day since. ”
Kylie’s arms drop to her sides as she stares at me, open-mouthed. Tara has gone completely still, while the others move forward, giving up all pretences of giving us space.
As I take in the shocked faces of the people who were once closer to me than family, I feel something in my chest crack open, and the grief I’ve been keeping locked up for years begins to spill out.