32. Tough Love Time
TOUGH LOVE TIME
ANNELISA
After Will walks away to, I assume, yell at Kylie, I take off down the beach. The urge to run has always been strongest when my emotions are all over the place. And being forced to admit my biggest failure in front of everyone has sent my anxiety into overdrive.
“Lis. Wait.” Against all my base instincts, I slow down when I hear Tara’s voice behind me.
I pause long enough for her to catch up before continuing to walk at a brisk pace. Tara is not a runner and as much as I want to keep going until my lungs give out, I don’t want to kill my sister in the process.
“Are you okay?” she asks, sounding a little breathless as she tries to keep up with me.
I keep my gaze straight ahead. “Have I ever really been okay?”
“That’s a loaded question that I’m not brave enough to answer right now,” she replies, before reaching out to grasp my arm. “Just stop, okay? Stop keeping secrets. Stop running. Just… Stop.”
The exhaustion in her voice brings me to a halt. Exhaustion because of me. Because of everything I’ve put her through over the past seven years. Because of all the things I left her to deal with alone.
I force myself to look at her. Really look at her.
Ever since I came home, there’s been an undercurrent of tension between us.
Aside from a conversation just before our father died where she finally opened up about how my leaving had impacted her life, she hasn’t acknowledged how much my actions have hurt her.
How my secrets have driven a wedge between us.
“I don’t know how to stop running, T,” I whisper, feeling myself deflate with each word.
“I know. But it’s time to work it out. Because you can’t keep doing this.
You can’t keep running from your family.
Because that’s what this group is. Everyone here - they were never just our friends.
They have always been family. And you have always been a part of that.
Even when you were gone, your presence was all around us.
I knew something was going on in the months before you left.
But I was stupid and never called you out on the fact that you refused to deal with your problems, because I was young and I’d always looked up to you.
” She cocks her head to the side while she considers me closely.
“Believe it or not, I thought how you dealt with things made you strong.” Her tone turns wistful.
“Because you could just brush stuff off and get on with things, without letting the feelings in. When I fell apart after Dad left, I thought my feelings made me weak, and I wanted to be like you. You just cut him out and acted like you weren’t breaking apart inside.
” Her expression hardens. “But I know now that wasn’t the case. I wasn’t weak. You were.”
I swallow hard, forcing myself to listen to what she has to say, even as the tears start to form.
“Pretending our problems don’t exist doesn’t make them magically disappear. It just makes them so much worse. I could have been there for you. We all could have been. But instead, you kept this massive secret and let everyone think the worst of you. And you dragged Will down with you.”
I nod. “I know I did. It’s why I insisted on staying away. He deserves someone who can give him the life he deserves. Who isn’t an absolute mess of a human being and completely screwed everything up.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t you get it? It’s not up to you to decide what he deserves, Lis. He has always known what he wants. He wants you. He always has. It’s up to you to be the woman he deserves. Because you want him just as much.”
For as long as I can remember, Tara has possessed the ability to see things that others can’t within themselves.
I’ve seen it happen numerous times, but having it turned on me right now makes me feel vulnerable in a way that I’ve never felt before.
I don’t particularly like it, but I know she’s right.
I like that even less.
“I don’t know how to do that.”
She sighs. “By letting us help you, you idiot. Now come with me.”
I allow her to take my hand and drag me back towards camp. I steel myself, prepared to face everyone, but it’s just Morgan and Bri. Out in the waves, I can see two figures bobbing up and down on surfboards and know that Will is with Kylie, so I assume that the kids are with the rest of the guys.
“We are going out for breakfast,” Tara informs me.
“We are?”
“Yes. We are. And we are going to talk about all the things you have been avoiding for seven years. If you won’t see a therapist, then you’re just going to have to deal with some tough love from your family,” Morgan says, her hands firmly on her hips.
Bri gives me a small smile. “It’s best just to go with it. And also count your lucky stars that Kylie feels like absolute shit for forcing it out of you like that, or she’d be here hitting you over the head with something hard. ”
I let out a breath, knowing she’s right. I’m not sure I’m ready for dealing with Kylie yet, but I am about seven years overdue for some girl time, so I allow them to push me towards Morgan’s SUV.
After I finish rehashing the events that led up to my spectacular exit from their lives, the three of them contemplate me quietly over their plates.
“You didn’t seriously think that you caused everything to happen because you weren’t sure you wanted to be a parent?” Morgan is the first to speak.
I shrug. “At the time, I really didn’t know a lot about pregnancy. So once the thought occurred to me, it just grew stronger. Eventually, the guilt just took control of everything else. I wasn’t ready for my life to change so drastically. So I thought I made it happen.”
“Far out, if that was the case, we’d all have been through the same thing,” she replies, waving her hand around at the others.
“What do you mean?”
“No matter how much we all wanted our kids, all of us, Kylie included, had moments where we freaked the fuck out when we were pregnant. If I hadn’t had these girls to talk me down off the ledge, I would have been a blubbering mess for half of my pregnancy with Lucy.
And Chris and I were trying for years. I can only imagine how it would have felt having it happen when you weren’t sure if that’s what you wanted.
” She puts down her fork before reaching across the table and squeezing my hand.
“I haven’t told you this yet, because it’s not something I talk about much, but I had postnatal depression for the first year after I had Lucy.
I wasn’t even slightly prepared for just how much a baby changes every aspect of your life.
I thought she would just slot into our lives and things would just continue as normal.
But that wasn’t the case. A woman loses a piece of herself when children come along.
Some women handle that with grace, and they happily hand that piece of themselves over to their children without a second thought.
But I wasn’t one of them. I fought against it, determined that I could have it all, and when that didn’t happen, I felt like a complete failure.
” She straightens back up, a sad smile playing across her lips.
“It was only once I opened up about how I was feeling that I was able to work through it all,” she finishes with one eyebrow raised.
I sit back in my chair, holding my mug of coffee in both hands. “So what you’re saying is that you were a grownup and talked about your problems?”
“Correct.”
I let out a breath. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.”
Bri clears her throat. “Tough love time. You need to make yourself be ready for it. Because you’ll never feel ready, and waiting for that to happen is the cowards way out. Running away is the cowards way out.”
My eyebrows raise as I process her words. “Ouch. Since when are you the tough love one? That’s usually Kylie and Tara’s schtick.”
“Well, Kylie is busy beating herself up about how tough her love was, and Tara’s already had her go.
You were just as much my sister as Morgan, and it hurt all of us when you left.
I can accept that you were young and didn’t really understand how much damage that might cause, but you’re not a kid anymore.
It’s time to face those problems head on. ”
I flick my gaze towards Tara. “Anything you want to add? You’ve been awfully quiet since we got here.”
She shrugs. “I already said my piece on the beach. I’m not interested in punishing you over and over, but I will certainly kick your ass if you try to run again.”
We lapse into silence while they all give me time to process their words. After a few minutes, I turn my attention back to Morgan.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when you were going through everything after Lucy. I assumed you were happy and better off without me.”
She snorts. “Idiot. As if I was ever going to be better off without you. You are my best friend. I don’t have a single core childhood memory that doesn’t include you.”
I look towards Tara and Bri. “And you both freaked out when you were pregnant?”
Tara laughs. “Oh yeah. Brandie wasn’t exactly planned, remember? I’d just started my job, and Aiden was about to start studying. I freaked out when the test was positive, and I’m pretty sure Aiden had a mild panic attack when he thought I wasn’t looking.”
Bri nods. “Jake and I were trying. But when the test was positive, after the initial joy, I remembered how hard it was for Morgan and freaked out. Jake had to drive me back to Brisbane the next day so that Morgan could convince me that we hadn’t made a huge mistake.”
“And you should have seen Kylie. Man, when she found out she was having twins, I had to hop on a plane with a two-year-old to calm her the fuck down.” Tara shakes her head. “And she’s married to a literal millionaire, with access to all the help anyone could hope for.”
Somewhere inside of me, a small knot of tension begins to loosen.
Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’ve been focusing on all the wrong things when I think about that period of my life.
I never really allowed myself to grieve what I’d lost, because I thought I’d made it happen.
That I deserved it because I was such an awful person for not being ready.
I guess it’s time to start working on facing my demons instead of running away from them.
Maybe…
Maybe I should stay…