Thirteen Years Before
Lottie
I could tell that Sara really didn’t want me at her flat. Her shoulders were all stiff and her face was turned away from mine. The few times she caught my gaze her eyes were as hard as flint. She kept muttering things to Declan and Jay under her breath and I could hear traces of the sentences.
‘ …I said no… ’
‘ …annoying… ’
‘ …your fault… ’
I drifted behind, feeling like the outsider, a pain in Sara’s neck that she clearly didn’t need. I hadn’t even wanted to come here. Jay had insisted; he said they always went to Sara’s after school and told me that it would be ‘no problem’ for me to tag along. It was fine as long as Sara’s mum was at work apparently – Dec and Jay exchanged a glance between them then. I wasn’t sure what the problem with Sara’s mum was, but I got the impression Jay didn’t like her.
I guess this was the normal routine. I had a sudden desire to turn and leave, to remove myself from this awkward situation and get myself away. But where would I be going? Back to a cold, empty house where my mum would no doubt not be. She would be out with her own friends or shopping or having something on her body plucked or finessed. I would be going back to my sad, tired thoughts that rattled around in my head. Back to a lonely sort of nothingness where I didn’t belong either.
I knew I had to make this work – it really was my last chance to fit in somewhere. I had to convince Sara that I was worth getting to know. If I could make that work, things might open up for me.
‘It’s a nice place, Sara,’ I said brightly. ‘Really cosy. I love it.’
Sara finally turned to face me. We were stood in her small living room – well, all of us except Jay who’d already thrown himself down on the nearby sofa and picked up an Xbox controller. I could see two spots of pink appear on Sara’s cheeks, she pushed aside her dark hair and stared at me flatly.
‘Are you taking the piss, or what?’
‘No–no, I meant it?’ I was flustered as I tried to gather my words together, my stupid voice breaking and stammering like it always did when I was nervous. ‘It’s lovely in here – warm and nice.’
‘Leave her, Sara!’ Jay said, his eyes now fixed on the screen. ‘She’s only trying to be friendly.’
Sara’s mouth turned into a sort of snarl, her eyes still on mine. ‘Yeah? Well I don’t need her to be nice, OK?’
I shrugged, trying to look relaxed and cool and desperately ignoring the gnawing in my stomach. I didn’t see her problem. It was cosy in here. OK, it was a bit small. The sofa and large chair took up most of the space. A coffee table in the corner was piled up with newspapers, books and a few used cups. There wasn’t a carpet on the floor, but a red rug brightened the space and photos lined every wall. Most were school photos – a girl who I instantly recognised as Sara, with her heavy fringe and dark eyes, seated next to an older boy with the same serious look on his face.
‘I didn’t know you had a brother,’ I said. ‘Is he at our school?’
Sara’s gaze fell on the picture I was looking at. She didn’t answer for a moment, and then she spoke in a flat tone. ‘No – he was excluded. And he doesn’t live here any more.’
I got the sense I shouldn’t ask any more questions. ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I muttered.
‘You don’t need to be. He isn’t.’
‘Kyle was one of the hardest lads on the estate,’ Dec told me, throwing himself down next to Jay. ‘You wouldn’t want to mess with him.’
I flinched – I wasn’t planning to.
Sara trailed off to the kitchen and I followed her, not really keen on staying with the boys who were now playing a shoot-’em-up on the TV. I watched awkwardly while Sara filled the kettle. It was another small room; packets and jars lined the small counter and the sink was full of unwashed plates and cups. The walls were painted yellow but stained darker in some places. It smelt thicker and greasier in here, like the windows hadn’t been opened in some time.
‘I’m sorry if I said something wrong out there,’ I said.
She shrugged. ‘It’s OK, don’t worry about it.’
I was struggling to find things to talk about. I wanted to keep the conversation moving. ‘How many bedrooms do you have?’
Sara flicked on the kettle and chuckled softly. ‘You really are a little estate agent, aren’t you? Full of questions. Would you like me to take you on a tour of the place so that you can take proper notes?’
‘No… I was just interested.’
‘No, come on – you must see!’
Before I could say anything more, she grabbed my arm and swept me down the thin dark hallway. The first doorway was open, revealing a small toilet, sink and bath – all in pastel pink.
‘That’s where we shit and wash. No fancy showers for us I’m afraid and certainly no swimming pool.’
‘I–I didn’t—’
‘Come on! There’s more!’ She pulled me down towards another door, this one firmly shut but she forced it open, pressing my body towards the opening. I could see a large unmade bed. A mess of clothes. ‘That’s my mum’s room. She’s not in, though. In fact, she’s never really in. She’s either working or up in London caring for Nan. Or doing other stuff. But you wouldn’t know about that, I expect.’
Prickles of frustration began bubbling up inside me. ‘Lottie, I—’
But she was pulling me again. This time towards the final room. She opened the door with a flourish. It was tiny. A small bed pressed against the wall. A wardrobe. And books – so many books – they littered the floor and were piled up high beside her bed.
‘And my room. Small and poky – no space to swing a cat. Not that we’d ever have a cat. Books everywhere, I’m hopeless at looking after them, always losing my place. I bet you don’t, do you? You probably own loads of the things. And one of those posh beds I bet and—’
I pulled my hand out of her grip. ‘Enough!’ I could feel the anger suddenly explode out of me. Sara actually recoiled a bit, her eyes widened, and a tiny smile formed on her face.
‘Wow. I wasn’t expecting that,’ she said. ‘You do have some fire in you.’
‘I’ve had enough of you going on like you know me – talking about your flat, your things like they’re shit compared to mine. I’m sick of you making judgements about me when you don’t even know me.’ My entire body went rigid, and I made myself look her straight in the eye when all I wanted to do was flinch. ‘You know nothing about me. You haven’t got a clue. So just shut the fuck up.’
I could’ve blown it then. That could’ve been it. I suppose Sara could’ve slapped me, or told me to leave. In that split second, I could have lost it all.
But instead of screaming at me or reacting in anger, Sara just threw her head back and laughed.
We stepped into her bedroom, and she gestured towards her neatly made-up bed and I sat myself down. My head was spinning a bit, I could taste something hot and bitter at the back of my throat and tried to swallow it down. What was going on here? Why wasn’t Sara mad at me?
‘I’ve been a bit of a bitch, haven’t I?’ she said frankly. For the first time, her expression was softer. There was a hint of a smile on her lips. I could feel myself begin to slowly relax.
‘Well… yeah, just a bit…’
She laughed again. I liked it. I liked seeing her eyes light up, her face filling up with warmth. She was like a different girl standing there in front of me. I watched as her fingers clawed into her palms, how her teeth worked at her bottom lip.
Was she nervous? Surely not?
‘Sara,’ I said softly. ‘I don’t get what the problem is. I never meant to muscle in on you guys or try to change anything. I just wanted…’ I let the word hang. It sounded so pathetic, so hopeless. I just wanted a friend. That’s all I ever wanted. Why was it always so bloody hard? Even in my last school it had been a struggle. There, the other girls had money too, but it didn’t make it any easier for me to fit in; I was always on the periphery, looking in, wondering how everyone else made friendships seem so easy.
Sara studied me for a second and then sighed softly. She sat herself down next to me; the bed was small and overcrowded with cushions and a pile of clothes, so we were pressed up close together. I could smell her perfume – it smelt like the musky ones I had tried on at the Body Shop when I was bored in town. I could also smell cigarettes and the sickly-sweet scent of hairspray. Together it was quite a heady mix.
‘I guess I hate people making judgements,’ she said finally. ‘They do it all the time with us, with my family. They make assumptions because mum is on her own, because Kyle is in a young offender’s unit…’ She breathed out as she picked on the loose threads of her jeans. ‘It winds me up that other people must be thinking all these things about us – that we’re rough, or poor or not worth knowing. It puts my back up, you know, because they don’t know the truth. They don’t know what we’re really like.’
‘You shouldn’t care what other people think.’
I thought of my mum – how impressions meant everything to her. How she wouldn’t answer the door without her make-up on or leave the house unless she was wearing her best clothes. I always hated how those things mattered so much to her and yet other things, the things that I needed so much, barely featured in her mind.
‘I know… and I try not to, and yet…’ She paused, shook her head. ‘And yet, I ended up doing the same thing to you, just because you have a posh voice and live in a nice house.’
I flinched. ‘I don’t have a posh voice.’
Sara snorted. ‘You do! You just don’t notice! I suppose you’re used to it.’
‘It’s normal. It’s just my voice.’ I couldn’t help feeling a bit offended.
‘I know… I know, I’m just saying.’ Sara was still smiling.
‘And I’m not posh… not really. You should have seen the kids at my last school, some of them even had connections to royalty. I’d always felt left out there too,’ I said. ‘Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I don’t belong anywhere.’
Sara reached out and took my hand. It was warm and soft. She squeezed gently. ‘You do. You belong with us. And I’m sorry if I made you feel any different.’
I managed a weak smile. ‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure. I need a friend, too. The boys drive me nuts. I’ve been hanging around with them too long on my own. I need a girlfriend for once.’ She squeezed my hand again. ‘Can we start over?’
I nodded. ‘I’d really like that.’
All at once, in that small room, I felt safe. We sat for a few more minutes together, listening to the sounds of the boys shouting at the Xbox in the other room. It was perfect in a simple way.
‘And you’re not getting in between me and Jay,’ she said quietly. ‘There isn’t anything to get in between, not really…’
‘You seem so close though?’
‘I’ve known him since I was tiny, but Dec is right, it’s so complicated.’ Sara sighed, her face looked pained. ‘One day I’ll explain but it’s a long, boring story – for now, can we just chill, Lottie? Have fun just us two?’
I couldn’t stop my grin from spreading. ‘I’d love that.’
And in that moment, I guess, our friendship began to take bloom. Like two vines in the same garden, we were drawn to each other, but while Sara was fresh and blooming, I was struggling to thrive. I was twisting towards her, in the hope that I could benefit from her section of sunlight.
I needed her.