Nine Years Before
Lottie
I loved our flat. It was small but perfect. Yes, it was damp, but that kept the price low. The two bedrooms were a decent size, and the tiny kitchen didn’t bother us as we barely cooked. Sara was only a few minutes’ walk from university, and I could easily drive to work. It didn’t bother me that most months Sara couldn’t afford her rent – after all, I was only there thanks to Dad’s bulging wallet. All I cared about was her company, and in those years together, we got so much closer.
We fell into an easy routine. Sara didn’t mind cleaning up after me – I was always a bit of a chaotic mess – and I didn’t mind giving her lifts to places or ordering in the takeouts. We’d spend evenings curled on the sofa, gossiping about all sorts of inane things and talking about our dreams.
Sara had one goal. She wanted to work in the creative industry – maybe in graphic design or illustration. One day she dreamt of displaying her art in a gallery.
‘It’s daft.’ She giggled. ‘But I truly believe I could make it happen.’
‘Of course you can,’ I told her. ‘You can do anything.’
I didn’t tell her that my dreams were small. I just wanted to stay safe and secure. I wanted to keep this feeling of having someone close to me for as long as I could.
The boys visited every summer. That second summer of university, Jay brought a guest with him. His new girlfriend, Rae.
We had invited Jay and Dec over to our flat, keen to show it off. Sara was attempting to cook some kind of curry on our dodgy stove and was already hot, bothered and frustrated by the time Dec and Jay arrived. I saw her gaze fall on the girl holding Jay’s hand and her expression stiffened.
‘I hope you don’t mind,’ Jay said. ‘But I wanted Rae to meet my friends.’
Sara flashed her brightest smile. ‘No, of course not. It’s lovely to meet you, Rae.’
I greeted her, too. She was a pretty girl, with long dark hair and dark eyes. In many ways she looked like Sara. I wondered if Jay realised quite how much.
Dinner was strained. The boys talked about their courses. Jay was loving his Art History course and Dec bored us for some time talking about Economics and Mathematics. I ate my food thoughtfully. There was a shift between us, but I wasn’t sure why. Everyone was acting very polite and formal – almost as if we barely knew each other.
Maybe we didn’t any more. I suppose university changes people. Dec was certainly more laid-back and confident. Jay seemed more aloof and distant. He spent a lot of his time fussing over Rae, who in turn didn’t seem interested in us at all.
Sara barely spoke at first. She drank quite a bit though. Then she told the boys about her boyfriend ‘Ben’.
‘I didn’t know you had a boyfriend?’ Jay said, suddenly looking interested.
That was funny – because neither did I. I knew she’d shagged a guy a few times when she was bored. I wondered if it was the same one.
‘Yeah…’ Sara was playing with her hair, staring Jay down. ‘We’re pretty close actually. I’d have brought him tonight but he’s busy. He’s a fireman, you see, on shift.’
‘Oh, I’d love to date a fireman,’ Rae gushed. ‘That’s a fantasy, isn’t it?’
‘It really is,’ Sara said, her eyes still fixed on Jay.
There was a pause. Jay was smiling, but it looked forced. His eyes were blazing. He sniggered and nodded.
‘Yeah, well, I’m glad you’re happy, Sara.’ His arm snaked around Rae. ‘I’m glad we are both happy. It’s about time, isn’t it?’
The evening ended soon after that. Sara left me to clean up. She slammed into her bedroom and refused to talk about it.
A few days later, Sara and I ended up at Greta’s cafe. It was one of Sara’s favourite places to go. At first, I hadn’t been keen on going there. I didn’t tell Sara, but I had found it a bit shabby and cold-looking, and the smell of grease was hardly appetising but, after time, I had grown quite fond of sitting at our little booth by the window. It was never crowded there so we always seemed to get the same seats. It became a routine to go after school on a Wednesday when the boys had football. Sara would order us both the ridiculously sickly strawberry milkshakes and although I privately worried about the calories, I would gulp it back because I knew it made her happy.
Sara was noisily slurping out the last of the cream from her glass, a troubled look on her face, and her gaze fixed at something far off in the distance.
‘Are you OK?’ I asked, pushing my own glass to one side. I felt a little sick and knew I wouldn’t be eating much later.
‘Yeah…’ She turned back to me and smiled weakly. She began to stab at the last of the cream with her straw. ‘I’m sorry about the other night – just seeing Jay like that was a surprise. I mean I knew he was going to be dating other people, I guess I just find it hard to see it in my face.’
‘He’s obviously happy. You’re pleased for him, aren’t you?’
Sara gave me a funny look. ‘Yeah, of course. We’ve practically grown up together. I’ll always care about him.’
‘It’s nice.’ I paused. ‘I guess I never had anything like that.’
I realised how pathetic that sounded and felt my skin burn. Sara slid her hand across to mine.
‘Seriously, though,’ Sara continued, her voice more intense now. ‘You’re lucky, too. You seem to have the perfect life. Money, a decent house, freedom. What is there for you to stress about?’
I looked away from Sara, unable to bear the way her eyes were blazing into mine like she was trying to see right into me. An itchy feeling had taken over my skin, it was all I could do not to claw at myself right there and then.
‘There’s loads for me to stress about,’ I said quietly. ‘It’s not always been easy.’
‘You never talk about this stuff.’ Sara gently stroked my hand. ‘I’m your friend, Lottie. I want to know these things.’
‘There’s not that much to say.’ I managed a weak smile. ‘Yeah, I have money and stuff and grew up in a decent house, but I’d give that all up for stability, for security, for…’ The word sticks in my throat. It sounds so pathetic, so childish to admit that the one thing I craved more than anything was love. ‘One time,’ I said quietly, ‘when I was about four or five, my parents went away for the weekend. They thought it was fine to leave me there, in the big old country house with some plates of sandwiches left out and jugs of water. They didn’t care about how scared I was. How I wet myself because I heard noises in the dark. How I was terrified that they wouldn’t come home. They just treated me like a pet that they had grown tired of, someone that got in the way of their partying and drinking.’
Sara sat back. Her face was white, her mouth drawn into a frown. ‘That’s awful, Lottie. If someone did that on our estate, they would have been reported to the social immediately.’
‘People forget that rich people can neglect their kids, too,’ I said. ‘They did it a few times after that, they never saw the point of a babysitter. I could tell you other stuff too, but I really wouldn’t want to depress the pair of us. I just wanted to show you that my life hasn’t been this amazing experience you think it has.’
Sara nodded. ‘I understand now. I’m sorry.’
‘And I guess now, I’m so scared of being left alone again…’ I turned my face to the window again so that Sara couldn’t see my tears start to form. I hoped she didn’t think I was some weak and pitiful creature, but I wouldn’t have blamed her if she had. It was often how I saw myself. She wriggled around on the seat opposite and then she gently nudged me to look at her again.
‘Lottie, I want you to have this.’
Sara was holding out a necklace – the pretty gold one she always wore.
I shook my head. ‘Sara. Don’t be silly, I can’t—’
Sara pressed it into my hand. ‘I won’t take no for an answer. It’s yours now. I want you to wear it all the time. It’s a silly old thing my mum got me, but I never filled it with a picture, I never knew who to put in it, but now I do. I want you to put a photo of us in there.’
‘But it’s your locket,’ I insisted.
‘And I’m giving it to you.’ She smiled. ‘That way you’ll never be alone, even when I’m not there. Every time you open it you will remember me. You’ll remember that I am with you.’
‘This is beautiful,’ I whispered. ‘And you have me, too. You don’t need Jay now. He’s moved on. But I’ll always be there for you.’
Sara nodded. ‘I know. And it means everything.’