Five Years Before
Lottie
Sara was dancing around the living room, the half-empty vodka bottle lying on the floor. I was feeling woozy, clutching a cushion to anchor myself to the sofa and laughing at Sara’s cheesy moves. She looked so carefree and pretty. Her black dress fit her perfectly. I looked at my top in comparison; it seemed to just emphasise that I had no curves at all. I stared down at my flat chest that couldn’t fill my clothes properly and sighed dramatically.
‘I’d give anything for your tits.’
Sara cupped hers and giggled. ‘What, these old things? Seriously? They do my head in.’
‘How? They’re gorgeous…’ My words sounded a bit mumbled. I knew I was talking too much but strangely I didn’t really care. ‘I’d love your body, your face – everything.’
Sara snorted. She stopped dancing and wagged her finger at me. ‘Stop being so daft. Look at you with your blonde hair and blue eyes. Most girls would die for that.’
‘You have it all.’
Sara was still staring at me, a mockery of a smile settling on her face. ‘Really? Do I? And this is coming from the girl who really does have it all. Look at your birthday presents.’
A sour taste filled my mouth. I knew I should be happy that Dad bought me another car, that Mum transferred another stack of cash into my account – but what did it mean really? I hadn’t seen either of them for weeks. I shook my head, trying to remove the thought. I didn’t want them to ruin my birthday celebrations.
‘That’s not what I mean.’ I swiped at my mouth trying to remove the bad taste. ‘It’s not all about money. You have other things. Everyone loves you.’
Sara stepped forward and snatched the vodka bottle away from me. ‘I think you need a break from this before the others get here.’
‘You still like Jay, don’t you, even after all this time?’ I probed. ‘And he’ll be here soon. All you’ve done is talk about him all week.’
‘I’m proud of him. That’s all. His new job is a big deal.’
‘It’s more than that, I can tell. It’s like we’re back at school.’ I snatched the bottle back and slugged the drink again. ‘You don’t go all misty-eyed about anyone else. All the men you’ve dated…’
‘There’s not that many. I’m not a slag.’
‘But they’ve never been up to standard, have they?’
Her eyes narrowed. ‘I don’t want to go into this now, Lottie.’
‘Why not?’ I threw my arms out in protest. I knew I was talking too loudly, but I didn’t care. ‘You’re meant to tell me stuff!’
Yet – she didn’t. She thought I didn’t know that her phone calls to Jay had started up again. After years of not really talking, I heard her late at night giggling to him like a schoolgirl. She met him before work in cafes and after work at bars – apparently just to ‘catch up’, but she was always glowing every time she spoke about him.
Sara sighed and then came and sat next to me on the bed. She took a swig from the bottle and shuddered slightly. ‘I dunno. I guess I do – yeah. I mean he’s always been there, Jay, hasn’t he? He’s always been part of my life, but I can’t help thinking…’ She shrugged.
‘What, that you want it to be more?’
‘Sometimes I get the feeling that’s what he wants, but I don’t want to wreck our friendship. It’s hard enough being as close as we are. I don’t want to ruin anything between us.’
‘But if you could,’ I asked, ‘if you could wave a magic wand, you’d be his girlfriend?’
Sara snorted. ‘You make it sound so childish.’
My cheeks were burning. ‘It’s not childish. It’s just a question. Is that what you want?’
She took a deep breath; her gaze had drifted off towards the door before she set her shoulders and swigged out of the vodka bottle. ‘Yeah. It’s what I want. It’s what I want more than anything.’
The doorbell rang. Sara jumped up as if stung. ‘They’re here,’ she hissed, tugging on my arm. ‘Come on, let’s get this party started, eh?’
Hardly a party, I thought. It was mainly just us lot again and a few others that I barely cared about, people that I had invited just to fill the gaps. Ultimately it was just Sara, me, Dec and Jay that I cared about. With me and Dec playing gooseberry to their flirting. It really was like school again.
My legs were heavy and useless and my mind felt sluggish, but I pulled myself off the sofa.
‘And Lottie?’ Sara hissed, as she opened the door. ‘Don’t say any of this to anyone, OK? It’s just between us. I’ve told you before. I don’t want to ruin anything.’
‘OK.’ I nodded.
Why would I say anything? I was pretty sure Jay still liked her, the pair of them were just useless at communicating their feelings. Or too bloody cowardly. And I was happy to capitalise on that. Anything to prevent me being alone.
‘I think you’re wise to be cautious,’ I said softly. ‘You’re good friends. Why spoil it?’
Her face was serious. ‘I knew you’d understand.’
The smile on my face felt fixed and rigid, almost plastic.
I moved from room to room, feeling like I was in a bit of a daze. At Sara’s insistence I had drunk some water, and this helped to clear my head a little.
The patio doors were open letting in a much-needed cool breeze, and I stepped just outside, taking in some grateful gulps. I noticed that Dec and Sara were sitting on the chairs along the edge of the patio. The paddling pool was still inflated and full of water. Sara’s idea. She wanted to replicate my mum’s swimming pool – although it was a poor relation and the murky water inside was making me feel a bit sick.
‘Are you OK, Lottie?’
I turned round to see Jay approaching. He was coming from the kitchen clutching two beers in his hand. He stood next to me and gestured towards the pool. ‘Are you going to paddle?’
‘No,’ I smiled. ‘Aren’t you tempted?’
‘Not really. I think I’d rather just watch,’ he replied and then gestured with his bottle. ‘Hang on, I just need to give this to Dec and I’ll come back.’
Jay approached Sara and Dec, speaking to them both but leaning in a little more towards Sara, his hand resting briefly on her knee. If this was some kind of naff cartoon there would sparks flying between them. I closed my eyes briefly and leant against the wall. I wanted the world to stop spinning for a minute.
‘Are you sure you’re OK?’
He was back. I opened my eyes and took in the sight of his handsome face, those kind, gentle eyes, his soft, full mouth. I shivered a little.
‘Yeah, I’m good. I just have a bit of a headache.’ I paused. ‘Is everything all right with you?’
For the first time I noticed that Jay didn’t seem to have his usual sparkle. His face was drawn and his eyes looked tired, as though he hadn’t slept properly.
‘There’s a few things going on at home,’ he said finally, so quietly that I had to strain to hear. ‘My dad hasn’t been that well. He’s got heart problems and has to go into hospital for a check-up. My mum isn’t coping. She struggles a bit with her mental health and she’s had – well, I guess you’d call it a bit of a crash. It’s not easy when she’s like this, it can be a bit scary.’
‘Oh, Jay, I’m sorry, that sounds hard.’
‘It’s OK. I guess I’m used to it. I’m a bit anxious at the moment, she’s started to say things that don’t really make sense and fixate on the past. It could be a sign she’s spiralling. I’m a bit worried about her, and about Dad’s tests.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I’m sorry, this is meant to be a celebration and I’m bringing down the vibe.’
‘Don’t worry, I like talking to you. I just wish I could help.’ I hesitated. ‘Does Sara know?’
His gaze shifted towards Sara who was still laughing with Dec. ‘No – we don’t really talk about stuff like that. I’m not even sure Sara will understand, there is so much shit between our families. When her mum was dating my dad, it was really messy; my mum was so badly hurt by it all… I’m not sure she’d get it.’
‘It sounded so hard. I know Sara’s brother attacked your dad.’
‘Yeah.’ Jay sighed. ‘It was a long time ago. Me and Sara were just kids really, but the whole thing tore our families apart. Dad was beat up badly and then he buggered off for a bit and left us all to deal with the mess. Mum just fell apart. Her husband had cheated on her and then left her. I remember my mum screaming and saying such horrible things to Sara’s mum, but at the time no one knew how badly she was struggling with her mental health, I think everyone just thought she was nasty and bitter. When Dad came back it wasn’t the same, it still isn’t. I can tell there is still resentment there…’
This was probably the most Jay had ever opened up to me. I felt a warm glow filter through me. All I wanted to do was pull him into my arms and make him better. If we’d been alone, maybe I would have.
‘Sara should understand that your mum couldn’t help the way she reacted,’ I said.
‘Sara was hurting too I guess, and as time passed, we just avoided the subject. We’re just resigned to the fact that our mums hate each other. That my dad is a massive problem between our families. I can’t see that ever changing.’
‘I guess some things are meant to be,’ I said quietly.
Jay looked at me a bit oddly for a second and then he nodded sadly. ‘Yeah, you’re probably right. Maybe they are.’
I glanced over at Sara, watched how she was laughing with Dec in such a carefree manner. Maybe it was the drink inside of me, or maybe it was just the years of resentment building up, but suddenly I felt the fire inside of me light up.
‘Doesn’t it annoy you? How Sara is with you?’
Jay frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
I chuckled softly. ‘You know what I mean – she blows hot and cold. I know she’s my friend, but I don’t like to see that.’
Jay bowed his head slightly. ‘I’m not sure she means it though; it’s just her way isn’t it. She’s defensive sometimes… I think she struggles…’
I could tell he was thinking it over though and processing what I was saying.
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I just don’t think I could put up with that. I’d find it hard to know where I stood with her.’
‘Does she ever say anything to you?’ Jay asked quietly, his eyes suddenly looking hopeful.
I gulped a mouthful of my water. This was my opportunity to be honest, to tell Jay what Sara had confessed to me earlier, but something held me back. I’d meddled before, but should I continue? My dad’s words rang through my head, something he’d said to me at work only a few weeks before: ‘sometimes you have to be ruthless.’ I could tell Sara wasn’t good for Jay. They’d only end up hurting each other, what would be the point in that? They would both end up miserable.
I could make them both happy. I really believed this.
‘No,’ I replied. ‘No, she doesn’t talk about you at all really.’
Disappointment flickered in his eyes but then the smile returned – stoic and brave. Jay was used to this. ‘Yeah,’ he muttered. ‘Yeah, that’s fine.’
I was about to say more. My hand reached out to touch his arm. I wanted to tell him what a lovely guy he was and how glad I was that he’d come today. I wanted to thank him for looking out for me since I had started at their school – but all of a sudden there was a burst of energy from the other side of the patio. Sara had rushed forwards, grabbing Jay by the waist. She was clearly pretty drunk now.
‘Jay!’ she trilled. ‘Why aren’t you dancing? You love this song!’
Jay flashed a nervous glance at me and then tried to untangle himself from Sara’s grip. ‘I’m not sure I’m up for that tonight, Sar…’ He pulled his phone out of his pocket and glanced at it. ‘I need to check on Mum really, I need to—’
‘Jay! Come on! It’s a party!’
Sara started to drag Jay. He was resisting and the two of them seemed caught up in a stiff little dance by the side of the pool. Then Sara tugged on his arm, the one holding his phone. Everything seemed to happen so quickly and yet almost in slow motion. I saw the phone fly in the air. I saw Jay’s face twist and whiten as it flew towards the water. And then the horrifying splash as it landed.
‘What the hell!’ Jay rushed to the edge. ‘Sara, what did you do? I need that!’
‘I’m sorry.’ Sara looked sick now. ‘I’ll replace it, or I’ll get it fixed. I’ll do whatever—’
‘It’s too late,’ Jay snapped. ‘I need it now. Why do you have to mess everything up?’
And then he stormed back inside.
A little later, I watched as Sara approached Jay in the kitchen, pulling him into a hug before the two spoke for a few minutes. I went to get another drink and when I came back, they had gone.
‘Where are Sara and Jay?’ I asked Dec, who was sitting awkwardly by himself on the sofa.
‘They went for a walk,’ he said. ‘I think Sara wanted some fresh air. She offered Jay her phone to use as well. I think they went to the beach.’
‘Oh…’ I nodded slowly.
Dec looked at me with a knowing smile. ‘Those two will always have something between them. It’s just how it is. It’s always about Jay and Sara. No one can get between them.’
I didn’t know whether he was speaking in admiration or jealousy. All I knew was that my own stomach had shrunken inside of me. And all I felt was raw envy – naked, ugly and real.