Pieces of Us

Day Ten

Sara

I leave Monroe’s clutching a designer top that I found on the second-hand rail. It’s quite a simple, delicate black T-shirt but the cut is lovely and the material deliciously soft. I haven’t treated myself for a while, so I didn’t feel too guilty buying it. As I walk back towards my flat, I wonder if I have time to wash and dry it so that I can wear it for my drink with Jay. After all, I want to look nice, even if it’s nothing serious. I want Jay to think that I’m in a good place, that I’m doing fine without him – all of those empowering, feminist things they tell you to believe, but are hard to do in practice when you are faced with the man that broke your heart.

‘Besides,’ I mutter to a bored-looking Goose, as I sweep into the flat, ‘this is not a date. It’s just a catch-up, that’s all. It’s a chance to put some things to rest once and for all.’

I put my new top in the washing machine on a fast spin and then make myself a strong coffee. While I stand in the kitchen looking down at the street below me, all I can see are couples. Some are walking along hand in hand, others are drawn closer together, almost as if they are one, and there’s a deep ache inside of me. It’s not that I’m in need of a boyfriend; after the situation with Jay, I packed my bags and fled the country, travelling across Greece and Italy and then spending time working in Spain. There were plenty of flings and drunken encounters along the way and lots of amazing, uncomplicated sex. I’d never felt I missed having a boyfriend. Life had been too busy and exciting for that.

And then I’d come home and picked things up with Tyler almost straight away. I had worked with him before I left and he’d always flirted with me, and at the time he was perfect for what I was looking for – an uncomplicated and very satisfying shag. I guess I convinced myself it was all I needed. It was like I was continuing my foreign adventures back here.

However, now, as I stare down at the street, at the happy, laughing couples that seem to be taunting me with me their presence, I realise something startling.

I’m lonely.

I no longer have Lottie. I no longer have Jay. Everyone else I keep at a safe distance.

Which means that I’m achingly and painfully alone.

And I don’t like it.

I remember the day Jay came to see me after I’d come back from Nan’s. It had been the same day that I had gone to back to mine and Lottie’s flat and discovered he was in her bed. I had fled back to my mum’s immediately, unable to face him.

My bags were still in mum’s hall, and when I went to answer the door, I remember casting them a dark look, wondering if it was worth unpacking them at all. One thing I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to be here any longer.

I wasn’t surprised to see Jay at the door, in fact I’d expected it. I had loads of missed calls that I’d already ignored from him. I didn’t want to see him but at the same time, I knew I had to get it out of the way, like lancing a particularly annoying boil.

Jay at least had the decency to look exhausted. His hair was uncombed and his features looked messy somehow, the shadows had spoiled his usual good looks.

‘I’ve been trying to call you all morning,’ he said quietly.

‘I know. You’ve clearly got your phone back working then,’ I’d replied coolly.

‘Yeah. I got a new one today.’ His voice had dipped a little. ‘Yours was one of the first numbers I put in.’

‘That’s good of you.’

‘Can I come in?’ he’d asked.

‘No.’

He’d sighed and leant up against the wall outside my flat. ‘Sara, I need to explain—’

‘What? How you slept with my best friend the minute my back was turned?’

‘It wasn’t like that.’ He was pleading a bit now. It made my anger flare even more. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. ‘Sara – we were really drunk. I’ve been all over the place. I didn’t know what you wanted.’

I was so stunned, I’d gasped a little. ‘You got my letter, didn’t you? The one I wrote before I left?’

‘Yeah, I got that. It made everything pretty clear. You needed time.’

‘Yeah, I just needed time to get my head around everything, that’s all. I just wanted to put a little bit of distance between us. Jay, I was only gone for two weeks, not two years.’

‘But I thought…’ He’d shook his head. ‘I thought you weren’t interested.’

‘How could you think that? I just wanted time, that was all. Did you even read the letter properly?’

‘Well, I was upset. I didn’t expect you to run off like that.’ Jay’s cheeks were red now. ‘You knew my dad was in hospital, I had other stuff to worry about. Work has been challenging, I was hoping for a promotion and then all of this happened…’

‘Exactly. You didn’t need me to think about. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want your mum to get even more stressed out if she heard about us—’ My voice had broken on the word us. ‘But then you decided that there was no us. You would rather shag someone else than wait for me.’

‘It wasn’t like that.’

‘What was it like then?’ I shook my head. ‘Actually, don’t tell me, Jay. I don’t want to know. I’m not sure I’d believe any bullshit that would come out of your mouth right now.’

‘Sara, please don’t be like this. We need to sort this out. I don’t want you to be hating me for one stupid mistake.’

But all I could feel was hatred, rising up like hot molten lava in my veins. It was mixed with disappointment, which was a far more difficult feeling to ignore. It felt as though my heart was being dragged slowly out of my body.

‘I’m leaving.’

My words had surprised him. He looked at me, blinking slowly like he was having to really compute what I had just said.

‘What do you mean you’re leaving? We need to talk about this. We need to—’

‘No.’ My voice was loud, interrupting him. ‘That won’t be happening now. I can’t drag myself through this again. It’s like I’m back there at eighteen crying over a stupid kiss.’

Jay had rubbed his eyes. ‘But Sara, that was different. You—’

‘No.’ I was blunt. ‘I’m done talking now.’

I didn’t bother to tell him how I’d spent the day online, looking at options, how I’d decided that the money my nan had given me would be best used for travelling, for getting away from this place – him – for a while. I knew that I couldn’t be with him now. I needed space. I wanted to take myself away from him, Lottie and their shitty little lies.

‘You don’t have to do this,’ Jay had whispered. ‘It’s so drastic. If we just talked this through…’

‘I’m done with talking through,’ I’d repeated, my words ice cold now. ‘I’m done with thinking and trying to work out if we can be together. It’s clear we can’t be, Jay, not in any capacity. Our families are right – we will just end up hurting each other.’

‘And you’re not willing to even talk about this?’ he’d whispered.

‘No,’ I said coldly. And then, just so I could put an end to this conversation, I added the killer blow. ‘I regret it all anyway. I never should have slept with you. It was a mistake, all of it. I wasn’t thinking straight.’

I saw his face change, something harden within him. ‘Yeah – maybe it’s for the best. I don’t think you’re the type who’ll ever be ready to settle down . You’re too scared, Sara. Too scared of getting hurt, of showing your vulnerable side. It’s so much easier to build an ice wall around you, isn’t it? The only problem with ice walls is they eventually melt and then you’re left miserable, cold and alone.’

I tried not to flinch, but that had stung. It really had.

‘Bye, Jay. Go back to your lovely architect job. Go back to Lottie. Leave me alone.’

And I’d closed the door on him.

I tip my head back now, turning away from the couples down on the street. What on earth am I doing meeting up with him now? Isn’t this the biggest mistake ever?

And yet, still I go.

The pub, The Crown, is an old teenage favourite of ours. A few years ago, the landlord was particularly slack on ID and a load of us used to get served underage. That landlord has long gone (probably fired) but I have nice memories of coming here as a young girl and feeling like a proper grown-up nursing my one vodka and lemonade all evening.

Jay is waiting outside for me. He walks towards me, smiling shyly. He looks good. It’s clear he’s worked out in the years since I last saw him. His muscles fill his tight white T-shirt in a shapely, not over-the-top, way. He has a tan, which makes his blue eyes stand out more.

Why does he have to look so cute? Surely it would be easier to hate him if he looked like a scruffy, smelly mess.

‘Hey.’ He stops in front of me, arms falling awkwardly at his side as if he’s unsure whether to hug me, or even touch me.

‘Hey,’ I say back.

We stand like that for a few seconds and it’s so weird. It’s not us. We’ve always been so easy with each other, but I guess so much has changed since we were both eighteen. I’d only seen him a handful of times since I got back – one of them being Lottie’s funeral, and just thinking of that stings.

‘Shall we go in?’ He gestures towards the door and then walks behind me, holding it open so I can go in. As I pass him, I breathe in his familiar smell. It hasn’t changed at all. It makes me want to bury my head in his chest and breathe him in further. ‘You still drink vodka?’ he asks.

I nod with a wry smile. ‘Yeah, some things never change.’

‘Grab a seat and I’ll bring the drinks over.’

The pub is quiet. I scan the room trying to decide where I should sit us, settling on a small table by the unlit fire, away from the pool table and jukebox, but not hidden in a snug, cosy corner.

I sit down and try to steady my breathing. I don’t know why I’m making such a big deal of this. It’s just a drink, nothing more, and hopefully I can finally put things to rest with Jay.

He brings the drinks over and sits opposite me. I can tell he’s nervous. His hands keep touching his pint glass, running his well-bitten fingernails over the condensation on the outside. He can’t keep eye contact either. He keeps looking down, towards the table.

‘I’m glad you came,’ he says finally. ‘I worried that you might not show up.’

‘I wouldn’t stand you up. That’s not something I would do.’

‘No, I hoped not.’ He coughs. ‘I wanted to talk to you at the funeral, but I realise now that wasn’t the best time or place. I’m sorry I tried. You were upset. We both were.’

I shifted uneasily on the chair. ‘It was the worst day ever, Jay. I don’t even know how I got through it.’

‘I’m glad you were friends with Lottie again, though. I wasn’t sure, after…’ His eyes finally catch mine and it hurts to look in them. To see all of the regret, pain and sorrow reflected back. I find that I am quickly looking away again and take a swig of my drink, any excuse not to feel that flare of pain.

‘I met up with her properly after she got her diagnosis. It changes things, doesn’t it? I realised life was too short to be angry with her about what happened with you.’

Jay nods. ‘I was so upset to hear about her getting sick, Sara, truly. I didn’t know. She must have got the symptoms not long after we split up – but she never told me, I swear. If I’d known, I would have come back to see her. I would’ve tried to help. I don’t want you to think I deserted her.’

‘I know you didn’t. Lottie told me.’

I think back to the awkward meet up with Lottie in the park. I’d bumped into her initially just outside mine and Lottie had insisted that we needed to talk properly, there had been something in her eyes that told me it was serious. I had been avoiding the pair of them after finding out they were a couple when I came back from travelling, but now guilt bled into me as I realised how childish I had been. Just being with Lottie again made me realise how much I missed her. We had walked and talked for ages. Lottie had told me a bit about the cancer and how scared she had been. I remember how I’d taken her hand in mine and squeezed it, no longer bothered about all of the anger from before. It seemed so irrelevant and unimportant. Lottie had looked so small and vulnerable, her eyes full of fear.

She told me that Jay and her had split up just a few months after I’d got back from Spain. Jay had secured a job in Newcastle and wanted to move there, while Lottie loved her life in Brighton too much and wasn’t prepared to go with him.

‘The cracks were showing anyway,’ she’d told me quietly. ‘I don’t think we were really that strong. It was just a relationship that kept going for whatever reason. I knew he didn’t love me. I’m not even sure how I felt about him.’

She said she started feeling sick a few months after that. Her periods weren’t right, she had bloating and sickness, and when she finally had her first smear at the doctors that was when they discovered the abnormal cells.

‘Apparently its quite unusual for someone so young,’ she’d said. ‘Trust me to be different.’ Her sharp laugh felt hollow as I pulled her into a hug. ‘What if this turns out to be a bad thing, Sara?’ she had whispered in my chest. ‘I’ve still got so much to do. I don’t want to live my life with regrets.’

‘You won’t, Lottie, you won’t,’ I had soothed. ‘Everything is going to fine, I promise.’ A promise given so liberally and yet at the time I had believed it with all my heart.

‘And we are friends again now, aren’t we?’ she whispered.

‘Yes, of course. I’m here for you – whatever you need.’

My friend was forgiven, we were strong again. Everything was going to be OK.

How wrong could I have been?

‘I wish things could’ve been different,’ Jay says softly, now. ‘I messed so much up.’

‘I guess we all have regrets.’ I shrug. ‘What did we really know?’

‘Fuck all.’

We both snigger. Jay’s already drunk his pint. He gestures to me for another drink, and I nod. While he walks to the bar, my eyes scan his body – still so slim and athletic, and with that slight bounce to his step that we used to tease him about. I smile.

He comes back and this time draws his chair nearer to me. The pub is a little busier now, so I guess I don’t mind. At least I can hear him better.

‘I was thinking about how we used to be as kids,’ he says, leaning towards me. ‘We shared everything didn’t we? Our secrets, our fears – the lot.’

‘I guess we had a lot in common,’ I reply. ‘Do you think we were rebelling a bit, too? We knew we shouldn’t be together, so it made us want it more.’

‘No, I don’t think that at all,’ he says firmly. ‘It drove me nuts how our parents were, but it didn’t change how I felt about you. There was always something—’ He stops and shakes his head, takes another mouthful of his pint.

‘What?’ I urge, curious now.

‘I dunno – I just felt like there was something special between us, a bond. It was like I always knew you.’

I don’t answer, but I do know what he means. I think this is why what he did hurt so much more. I want to press him on that a bit more. Part of me wants to scream in his face: ‘If we had such a bond, why did you break it so easily?’ but I manage to resist. I don’t want to drag it all up again, not now. It feels wrong now that Lottie is no longer here. Like a betrayal.

‘I’ve never stopped thinking about you,’ he says quietly. ‘It’s like you’re always in my head.’

‘And that’s a good thing?’

He smiles. ‘I think so.’

I remember what Lottie said to me. ‘Did you ever love her? Lottie?’

His expression suddenly changes. All the joy seems to drain away, and his eyes suddenly become sad.

‘I wanted to,’ he says finally. ‘I really wanted to, Sara, but I couldn’t.’ He doesn’t speak for a moment or two, but then he adds the final words. ‘She wasn’t you.’

The music is getting louder in here and I find myself wanting to change the subject. I don’t want the focus to be on me and I’m tired of feeling angry about him and Lottie. The vodka also helps relax me.

I ask Jay about his job as an architect, I ask him about his mum (he rolls his eyes, ‘same old, same old’), about his dad (who left his mum not long after he started university and has a new girlfriend apparently, who is very young and very annoying) and about Dec (still talks to him, wishes he lived closer).

‘In only a few years so much has changed, but lots hasn’t, if you know what I mean,’ he says with a sigh. ‘I thought moving away would help, but it doesn’t take you away from your family, does it? They’re still as fucked up as they will always be. And then I come back, expecting things to be the same and—’

‘Everything has shifted,’ I finish for him. ‘Except me. I’m still here.’

‘Yeah – and dating someone else.’

I raise an eyebrow. ‘Yeah, kind of. I’m surprised you know.’

‘My mum told me,’ he says. I can see he’s trying to act casually but there’s something about his tone that is more serious. ‘She said she’s seen the two of you around and then Dec confirmed it. Is it that Tyler guy – the one you used to work with when you were waitressing?’

‘Yeah, it’s the same guy. It’s been going OK.’ I refuse to think of Tyler’s unanswered texts still sitting in my phone. Jay looks away briefly, and I try to ignore how that makes me feel.

‘Dec said you seemed quite busy with him.’ Jay smiles. ‘You always said he was a playboy.’

I sip my drink. Interesting. I never mentioned Tyler to Dec much, I only wanted to prove that I’d moved on. Dec loved to tell me that I was scared of commitment, or some such bullshit.

‘Ah, Dec.’ I nod. ‘I see I’m still the subject of great interest around here. The small-town mentality never goes does it? Even when our friends move to the other side of the world.’

‘We just care about you, that’s all,’ Jay says carefully. ‘Mum says she knows Tyler. He works at her mate’s place. He’s still a bit of a lad apparently.’

‘A lad?’ I laugh. ‘Have you heard yourself, you sound like an old woman.’

‘You know what I mean. He’s not the type that wants to settle down. He’s a player.’

This is quite ironic seeing as I’m due to be talking to Tyler about our relationship and his sudden need for more commitment. Who is the player here? Have I outplayed him?

‘I think we’ve all got Tyler wrong,’ I tell him. ‘He’s actually really sweet.’

‘Oh, OK.’ Jay nods sadly. ‘Well, that’s fine then, as long as you’re happy. I didn’t want to see you getting hurt, that’s all.’

My fingers stroke my glass. I’m tempted to ask Jay what business it is of his any more, but I sense the shift in mood. Jay looks a bit shaky and it’s making me uncomfortable. I didn’t want this night to be too intense.

‘Fuck this,’ I say finally, pushing my chair back. ‘This is too full on. The pool table is free, shall we have a game?’

He gulps down the rest of his pint and then swipes at his mouth. ‘Yeah, why not. You know I’ll beat you though.’

‘You know nothing,’ I grin. ‘Lots of thing have changed around here, Jay, like you said, and one of them is that I’ve got so much better at pool.’

We drink more. A lot more. The pool games which started with the best of intentions begin to become a competitive mess. I find myself giggling chaotically as Jay tries to help me get a position on the felt, one of my legs is hitched up, my body is halfway across the table.

I take aim towards my yellow ball, hitting it wildly with the cue and burst into more fits of laughter when it spins into completely the wrong direction. Jay has to help me down. I cling to his shirt, feeling a little dizzy and silly. Next to us a couple of men are waiting to play, I wave my cue in the air enthusiastically.

‘Did I beat you?’

Jay looks at the number of yellow balls still left on the table and grins. ‘Shall we just call it a draw?’

‘You are admitting defeat this early?’

‘I just don’t think the pool table can take any more abuse.’

I am still pressed up against Jay’s body. I’ve forgotten how good that feels, how he just seems to fit me so perfectly. My arm automatically snakes around his waist, my head longs to rest on his shoulder. I breathe in the scent of him and shudder.

‘I should get you home,’ Jay murmurs into my ear.

I nod. ‘Yeah, let’s go.’

We hand our cues to the waiting men and then step outside the pub. It’s surprisingly chilly and I shiver automatically. Jay pauses.

‘Are you OK? If I had a jacket, I’d offer it to you.’

‘I think it’s just the change from the heat in the pub.’ I blink, feeling my mind begin to clear a little in the cool air. ‘Can you hold me again?’

‘If you’re sure?’

I’m not sure of anything, but I like the way it feels when Jay pulls his arm around me. We walk slowly together, and I can feel his warmth bleed into me, filling me up. My skin is buzzing. It’s like his touch is electric.

‘I’ve missed this,’ he says quietly.

‘What?’

‘Just us. Being together.’

For so long there has been a deep ache inside of me and I’ve ignored it, or tried to fight it, but now I feel like it’s being soothed. How can it be wrong to be with someone who makes me feel so good? Maybe I’ve been wrong this whole time for being angry at a one-off event that happened when we were both so young. Jay always maintained it had been a mistake. He had been stressed about his dad and in the company of the gorgeous, lonely Lottie. Maybe he had just been drunk and reckless, and maybe I too had been reckless, running away instead of facing things head on. Had I pushed him into the arms of my best friend?

But he still did it, didn’t he? He still chose Lottie over me. I can’t forget that.

We stop outside of my flat and I hesitate. I think of my cold, empty bed and how much I would love to have Jay next to me, his hot naked body pressed up against mine. I know how good it will be. I actually shiver and he pulls me closer to him.

His hand gently strokes my cheek, he eases a strand of hair out of my face.

‘It’s been a lovely evening, Sara. Seeing you again, it’s just been—’

My lips are on his before he can say anything more, hot and hungry. He tastes just as I remember. His mouth parts a little and I feel the tease of his tongue working against mine. Pressing closer to him, heat builds, desire growing, my hands pinching and clawing at his shirt.

This feels so good. And yet…

I pull away. We both stare at each other for a moment. The shivers are still snaking down my spine.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I shouldn’t have let that happen.’

‘It’s OK,’ I say. ‘Don’t worry.’

I smile weakly and then walk towards my flat. I can feel his eyes burn into my back. But all I feel is a mixture of desire and fear and I’m not sure which one is winning.