Day Eleven
Sara
While Erica searches for the diary, I message Jess, asking how Derek is and, luckily, she replies straight away.
He’s perked up a bit. The doctor has been and given him some stronger
drugs and he’s sleeping a lot now. He’s asking after you, which is
sweet.
My heart thumps as I reply. I don’t care if it’s my week off or not, I’m going to visit Derek tomorrow. I need to reassure myself that he’s OK. Besides, it always brightens my day seeing him.
Jay’s message is still waiting for a reply too. My finger hovers over it, words forming in my mind of all the things I want to say to him. Is it fear that’s stopping me from opening up completely? From admitting that I would love to give us another go – or is it something else, something more concerning?
I open up the message, biting the inside of my cheek, and start to tap out a response. Maybe it’s time for me to let Jay back into my life. After all, Erica is right, we do need to start focusing more on the future.
Hi Jay , I tap, my fingers feeling fat and unyielding. Maybe we can meet up again soon, if
‘Who’s that you’re messaging? Oh.’
Erica has come up behind me and I didn’t realise. She places Lottie’s diary carefully on the counter in front of me and I hear the slight tut under her breath as she walks back around the front to face me.
‘It’s just Jay,’ I say, wondering why I feel the need to explain. ‘He’s down here for a few weeks. We met up.’
‘That’s nice,’ Erica says, sounding anything but pleased about it. ‘I’m sure he had a lot to say. To be honest, I was surprised he showed up at the funeral. I didn’t like to make a fuss, but…’ She smiles weakly but doesn’t continue, her eyes still fixed on my phone. I push it to one side, the message unfinished. It can wait until later.
‘He had to be at the funeral,’ I say. ‘They were together all the time I was abroad; they were close…’
How did it still sting me to say that? No matter that I’d been miles away in the sun, I knew those two had become a couple in my absence. It was almost as if they had been waiting for me to go away so they could properly get together. Friends don’t hurt each other like that.
‘It’s interesting, isn’t it,’ Erica says quite calmly, ‘how you can view things better after the event? I was never that close to Lottie, you know that. I can’t sit here and pretend that I was the perfect mother, it was never something that came naturally to me. However, one thing I was sure of was how much she loved that boy. She really lit up when he was in the room, seemed to almost change as a person.’
‘She did?’
I’d never actually been there when Jay and Lottie were together, thankfully, and as they had split up only a month or so after I returned, I was never subjected to their relationship. In a strange way, I’d never considered how being with Jay might have made Lottie happier – I just thought they had continued as they always had, just with the added benefit of sex. She must have really loved him.
‘Jay broke her heart,’ Erica continues, as if reading my mind. ‘But what is worse is how he did it. First, by making that decision to take the job up north and then—’ She stops, shakes her head. ‘Maybe it isn’t my place to say.’
Suddenly desperate to hear the rest, I reach my hand out over the counter. ‘No, please, Erica. Tell me.’
‘Well…’ Erica releases a big sigh. ‘Just before he left, Lottie told me he had cheated on her with someone else. Slept with another woman. She was devastated. She told me he didn’t even care and told her that it was a sign that their relationship was dead and buried. He left soon after, took that job up north, and for all I know he continued to see the other woman. He left her broken.’
‘That’s awful,’ I breathe.
‘That’s the kind of man he is, he lies and he cheats and he runs from problems.’ Her voice is sharp. ‘And he will do the same to you.’
I stare down at the table. An unsaid word drifts between us.
Again .
Erica pushes the diary towards me. ‘Here. You came for this, didn’t you.’
I pick in up carefully, as if it’s precious. It has a soft, blue, velvet-like cover, some sections faded with time and wear. It’s huge and weighty, a ten-year diary which, I realise when I peer at the dates, started the year Lottie joined our sixth form. Ten years from Lottie being seventeen right up until twenty-seven.
‘I don’t think she got a replacement when she finished this one,’ Erica says quietly. ‘When she was diagnosed, she didn’t bother to diarise that.’
‘I feel weird having this,’ I admit. ‘I’m not sure I can read it, it doesn’t feel right, despite what Lottie says – but I can keep it safe.’
Erica shrugs. ‘There must have been a reason why she gave it to you. Lottie always did things for a reason.’
My fingers trace the outside of the cover. I feel so conflicted. I know all of her thoughts and feelings will be in here, all her time with Jay, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.
I slip the diary into my bag, ready to deal with it later. For now, my task is done. ‘Do you think Lottie was happy with Jay, Erica?’
‘For a time – yes, I do. She seemed pretty besotted. They were the only ones left, weren’t they. You’d gone away and Declan was in America; I suppose it was natural that they came together.’
I nod. ‘I guess so.’
‘And maybe it would have worked out, if he’d been a better person. I take it you didn’t know he cheated on her. Lottie never told you?’
I shook my head. ‘No – I didn’t know that, I assumed they had just drifted apart.’
Erica snorts. ‘Well, I’m guessing Charlotte didn’t feel comfortable talking to you about Jay. She knew you were… well, close to him. Like I said before, that boy can’t be trusted. I’m sure it will all be in her diary. You’ll probably discover more revelations there.’
A sick feeling washes over me. I am pretty sure Erica is right and this is partly why I don’t want to go there.
‘I better go,’ I mumble instead. ‘Thank you for your time, Erica.’
‘Anytime,’ she replies, sounding anything but welcoming.
I leave the house with a heavy cloud over me and a pinching sensation in my chest that won’t go away.
Jay hurt Lottie: he cheated on her, and he ran away when she needed him most. Did I really want to let this man back into my life?
As I start the long walk back to my flat, I already know the answer. It’s as if Lottie has provided me with it at just the right time.
I can’t let someone like Jay hurt me again. I won’t.
Needing some comfort, I put my headphones in and choose a playlist of songs that I loved back when I first went travelling. Just listening to the music again brings me back to that day when I stood in my bedroom, pulling my clothes into my bags, my mum watching, her face etched with concern.
‘Are you sure this is the right thing to do, Sara? It seems so sudden. You shouldn’t be making decisions on an emotional reaction.’
I knew she was probably right, but as I zipped up the bags, a rush of certainty took over. I wasn’t happy in my life at that moment; I needed to get away, just for a little while. I was sure I would come back after a few months and find a new job. I had no clue that I would fall in love with the easy-going lifestyle of Spain.
Looking back now, I questioned if that was the real reason. Or was it the fact that, as the months passed, it became harder and harder to return to the life I had left behind – especially when Dec had called me to tell me Jay and Lottie were now together. Why on earth would I want to go back to that?
‘We will miss you, your brother and I,’ Mum had told me.
I’d pulled a face at her – like my brother would care. He’d probably be glad to see the back of me.
Mum had touched my arm gently. ‘I don’t like the idea of you running away from things. You have so much here and people who love you.’
‘I just need some space and time now,’ I’d said calmly. ‘I feel so confused about everything, I don’t even know what I want any more. I think this will help me – I really do. You know I’ve talked about travelling before. Nan has given me money and it seems a good chance to use it.’
Mum had pulled me into a hug. She was never a particularly emotional person, so this had surprised me. As I’d melted a little in her arms, doubts had started to flicker – was I doing the right thing? I quickly pushed them away.
On the way to the station, my phone had rung twice. The first call was from Lottie telling me she would miss me and hoped that I would back soon. I hadn’t wanted to speak to her, but my anger was directed more at Jay so I decided to hear what she had to say.
‘You don’t need Jay,’ she’d insisted. ‘I think his head is all over the place at the moment. You still have me.’
‘But he read my letter, Lottie. He read it and didn’t contact me. It’s clear he doesn’t want to be with me. I can’t stand being around him now.’
Lottie drew a breath. ‘Like I said, I think his feelings are all over the place at the moment. I told him not to mess you around and maybe that influenced him a bit, I don’t know. I’m sorry if it did.’
‘No – it’s good that you were honest with him.’
My body had been so heavy as I walked. I wished me and Jay could’ve been more honest with each other, all the time we’d been mucking around, acting as friends but never quite sure what our true feelings actually were. It was no wonder it ended up such a mess.
‘I think Jay just likes having fun,’ Lottie had said quietly. ‘He wasn’t exactly missing you while you were away.’
My heart cracked open a little more.
‘I’m sorry,’ she had said again quietly.
‘No, it’s OK.’
At least I had made the right decision to go. I was putting myself first. I wasn’t letting my feelings for Jay hold me back. It was time I freed us both.
‘Thanks, Lottie,’ I told her then.
I felt her relief bleed through the phone. ‘I’m going to miss you so much. I can’t wait to see you when you get back.’
I didn’t answer.
‘You do forgive me, Sara, don’t you?’ she had pleaded softly. ‘I was drunk and not thinking straight. I didn’t want it to happen. You’re my best friend.’
Lottie had sounded so pitiful that I couldn’t stay that angry with her. I knew how much she longed for love and affection. It wasn’t her fault that Jay didn’t want me.
‘I just need some time. That’s all.’
After I’d hung up, a second call came through. It had been Jay.
I declined the call. And I did the same thing when he tried again five minutes later.
He then sent me a message while I was on the train.
Please call me, we need to talk before you go.
But my mind was made up. I didn’t want distractions any more. Jay had made his choice and I was sick of going around in circles.
It’s too late Jay, I’ve already left. We can talk when I’m back.
Please just leave it now.
It was the hardest text I’d ever sent, but it had been necessary and at the time it had felt right.
In the days that had followed, as I explored new streets in the blazing heat, looking for any bar job I could get hold of, thoughts about Jay started to melt away. I felt like I could breathe again.
I knew that I could probably find it in my heart to forgive Lottie, but Jay – Jay I wasn’t so sure. That man had smashed me into a million pieces. How was I going to come back from that?
And now, as I tread in a similar blazing heat back to my flat, sweat trickling down my back, I send another cold and succinct message to the same man.
Last night was a mistake. It’s too soon after Lottie dying and it
doesn’t seem right. Please don’t contact me again.
I feel sick as it sends, but despite the rush of my heart and the slight queasiness in my gut, I know I’m being true to myself. All Jay and I do is keep hurting each other. And the last thing I need is more pain.
Once I reach home, I fumble for the key, desperate to get in my secure and quiet space. My music is still playing, but now it’s an old Eighties song, a Kate Bush track that is both sad and mournful. The lyrics tug at my heart; it was a song that Jay had loved as much as I did.
I lay down on my sofa and for the first time in ages I cry. I cry for Lottie, for Derek, and most of all, I cry for myself – I just let the tears flow out from me until I am totally exhausted.
I have never felt so alone in my life.