Two Years Before
Lottie
I didn’t plan to wait outside Sara’s flat, but Dec had told me where she lived, and something drew me there. I think mainly it was the shock. I needed someone to talk to.
Jay had left to move to Newcastle a few months before. He was kind and dignified and still wanted us to be friends, I was hurt and cold – refusing to accept that we could ever be that again.
Days after, I’d visited my doctor. I went there wanting tablets to help me sleep, but I happened to mention the bleeding and cramps I’d been experiencing. I’d not had a smear appointment before but had no reason to think anything was wrong. Even the doctor seemed calm, telling me they would just test me in case. It was good to check these things.
Weeks turned into months, and now I was going to hospital appointments on my own. I had no boyfriend to confide in, no friends, and I certainly didn’t want my patronising mother sat beside me. When the consultant led me into her nicely furnished room and asked if anyone could be with me, I told her no.
She told me I had cancer whilst I was sitting on my own, clutching my designer handbag tightly on my lap and staring blankly into space. The darkness inside of me seemed to open up a little bit more.
‘You need people around you,’ she’d soothed. ‘This can be a difficult time.’
I blinked back at her. The only person I wanted was Sara.
So here I was.
I followed her at first, too scared to call out her name, too afraid of what she might say when she saw me.
She walked towards the park and I was her shadow, noticing how tanned she’d remained since she’d returned from Spain. How her movement was relaxed and casual, how her long dark hair seemed more glossy than usual.
At the park she stopped at a bench to adjust her trainers and that was when I walked up to her. She immediately stiffened; her eyes narrowed a little bit as I approached.
‘Sara, hey! I was just walking past and I spotted you,’ I gushed.
‘OK…’ She shifted on the spot, looking like she was keen to get away. ‘How are you?’
‘Erm, not so good…’ Where did I start? How could I tell her?
‘Oh.’ She pushed her hair away from her face. ‘Are you and Jay good, still?’
I noticed how her voice stalled a little on Jay’s name. The ache inside of me felt hollower. I had done this. I had caused all of this. I’d thought it would help me keep people closer to me, and instead I had made them all run away.
‘We’re not together any more. He’s in Newcastle.’
‘Oh.’ Her eyes widened. ‘I didn’t realise. Newcastle? That’s a long way…’
‘He got a leadership role up there. He’s doing well. It’s close to where his dad lives now.’
‘Right.’ Sara nodded slowly. ‘Look, Lottie – I’m sorry you’re hurt and that, but I don’t think…’ She coughed, glanced away from me again. ‘I don’t think I can do this. Too much has happened, you know. It’s too hard.’
‘I have cancer.’
The words just fell from my lips. It was like Sara was frozen for a moment, then she took a deep breath and studied me for a few seconds.
‘What?’
‘It’s pretty serious. I have to have chemo. Radiation. They hope they’ve caught it in time, but it’s aggressive…’
‘Shit, Lottie. I’m so sorry.’ She grabbed my hands. The warmth bled into mine and I shivered.
‘I need you, Sara. I need a friend,’ I whispered. ‘I’m so sorry for everything that happened but I can’t be on my own right now, I can’t.’
‘I know. I know.’ She pulled me into a hug, squeezed me hard. ‘It’s OK. I’m here. I’m here for you.’
It was all I needed to know.