Day Thirteen
Sara
Kyle lives in a block of flats in Clapham. I have to jump back on the train to get there and use my phone to find the address. It is a grim-looking grey building, built alongside the back of the railway. There is a faint scent of piss as I climb the concrete stairs, but it’s thankfully cool inside the building. The sound of music plays from one flat and laughter from another. I try and fight back the fear that is threatening to spill out of me.
The same mantra keeps playing out in my head: He’s my brother. My blood. Isn’t it time I stopped avoiding him? I am doing the right thing.
Thankfully, Kyle lives on the third floor; I don’t think I have the energy to climb much higher. On the external walkway, as I pass the various front doors looking for forty-nine, there is an assortment of stuff outside people’s front doors – overflowing plant pots, battered bikes, children’s scooters – and it takes me a while to pick my way across. Kyle’s grey door is unsurprisingly bland. I take a deep breath and then rap on the brass knocker.
After a few seconds, the door opens. A slim woman faces me. She is pretty and blonde with a sunny-looking smile. I recognise her from the photos Mum has showed me – Jenny. We have never actually met.
‘Sara?’ She grins and then rushes to me, pulling me into a hug. She smells of that expensive perfume I’d always wanted to treat myself to. ‘I’m so glad you came. I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long.’
‘Well, I…’ I pull myself away, not sure what to say, and then notice that Kyle is standing right behind her. His hair is cropped short now and he has a trim beard that suits him. When he smiles at me, I barely recognise him. Kyle didn’t smile much as a kid.
‘Sara, come in,’ he says warmly. ‘I don’t want Jen to suffocate you before we’ve even had a chance to talk.’
I sip at my tea, peering around the room in surprise. It’s really nice in here. I’m guessing it’s Jenny’s taste. Everything is co-ordinated perfectly; the sofa and armchair are cream leather and filled with colourful cushions, the walls are neutrally painted but brightened with interesting art prints and the floor is cloaked by a huge and plush rug. Jenny spends a few minutes buzzing around me, asking polite questions about my job, my flat. I find I’m answering them in almost parrot fashion. Not meaning to be rude or anything, but unable to lighten the awkwardness that hangs onto me from just being here.
My eyes fall on a photo by the TV. It’s one of the three of us – me, Kyle and Mum.
‘That was taken just before I went to the young offender’s unit.’
In the photo, Kyle looks so much older than his thirteen years. His eyes are sunken and there are dark shadows underneath, like smudges on his skin. I look up at him now. He seems different, brighter, more awake. The shadows have gone.
‘I’m glad you came.’ He sits next to me on the sofa. ‘Every time we come to see Mum I ask after you. I wanted to visit, but Mum didn’t think that would be a good idea.’
I shrug. ‘I’ve never really been one for visitors.’
‘But it’s more than that, isn’t it?’
‘I should leave you to talk for me a bit,’ Jenny says, smiling a bit too brightly. ‘You have a lot to catch up on.’ She rushes out of the room, closing the door firmly behind her.
Kyle sighs softly. ‘So, come on, tell me. Why have you been hiding from me for so long? Ashamed of your criminal brother?’
My cheeks flush. ‘No, no nothing like that.’
‘Then what is it like?’
I shift awkwardly on the seat. I feel too hot, my skin is itchy and I suddenly have the urge to run of here. I close my eyes briefly and it’s back, that memory of Kyle laying into Jay’s dad – the screams. The blood.
‘Sara’ – his voice is softer now – ‘what is it?’
‘I – I was scared of you.’
He doesn’t answer at first, and I watch as he twists his fingers in his lap; his head is bowed and his shoulders are hunched. He seems to have shrunk to half his size.
‘It makes sense,’ he says finally. ‘I guess I was kind of scary. I had so much pent-up rage. So much frustration. I scared myself at times.’
‘I saw what happened that night,’ I continue quietly, aware that my voice is shaking. This is the first time I’ve actually said the words out loud. ‘I was watching out of the window that night and I saw what you did to Jay’s dad.’
‘You saw?’ He looks up, his eyes are wide. ‘Shit, Sara, didn’t you tell anyone?’
‘No. I guess I was too scared to. I wanted to forget.’ I shake my head softly. ‘I didn’t even tell Jay. He was so upset about it, why would I want to bring it all up? I was terrified we would never be friends again.’
‘Jay was always a good friend to you. He knew none of this was your fault.’
‘It still pulled our families apart though, didn’t it? Jay’s mum never forgave ours. Their marriage fell apart. You ended up—’ My voice breaks.
For the first time, Jay reaches over and touches my arm. ‘I ended up getting help, Sara. It was what I needed.’
‘You hated everyone,’ I whispered.
‘No,’ he replied firmly. ‘No, I didn’t. I loved you all very much. I still do. I just didn’t know how to show it.’
It’s hard to talk about stuff that has filled up your life for so many years. I could have completely opened up, broken down that wall I built around myself and told Kyle exactly what I thought and how I felt, but just the idea of that was exhausting. And what good would it serve now? Sitting here now, staring at the old photo of Kyle with his tired eyes and drawn expression – I realised that the same man wasn’t sat next to me now. So much had changed with time.
‘I’ve had a lot of help,’ Kyle says, as if reading my mind. ‘I’m not saying I’m perfect, but, you know, I’m better than I was. I have coping techniques and medication. I know what my triggers are. I look after myself better.’
‘That night was so scary, seeing you like that…’
‘I know and I’m ashamed. I hated seeing Mum hurt, but that was no excuse to do what I did,’ he pauses. ‘Mum told me that you and Jay were very close after for a long time.’
‘Yeah, I guess we were. At school we were friends and then…’ I think of that night on the beach. I hadn’t let myself think of that night for ages but suddenly it all comes flooding back – the sharp stones against my legs and back, Jay pressing closer onto me, his breath warm on my face, his hand reaching down and—
‘Sara, you’re blushing,’ Kyle laughs. ‘You clearly still have feelings for this guy.’
‘I’m not,’ I protest a bit too loud. ‘It’s just complicated that’s all. Mum doesn’t like him, and he ended up with my best friend.’
‘The girl who died? Mum told me about her.’
‘Sounds like you and Mum do a lot of talking.’
Kyle sighs. ‘She’s my family, and so are you, Sara. We don’t have a lot of it left. I’ve always been interested in your life even though I understood I needed to stay away.’
‘I know.’ I feel myself calm. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to argue.’
‘So, what did you come here to do then?’
I tell him about the Jar of Joy and the instructions left by Lottie. I’m glad he doesn’t pour scorn on it or laugh at me. Instead, he just listens, nodding patiently.
‘I came here because I’m sick of running away from everything, Kyle,’ I say firmly. ‘I want to start facing up to my life.’
‘Well, Sara – that’s one thing I understand better than anyone.’
We talk for hours. Jenny comes into the room and joins us. I like her, she’s bright and funny and perfect for Kyle – they are so relaxed in each other’s company. Weirdly, I find that I’m sharing all sorts of things – the reason why I gave up on art and moved abroad, how I felt coming back and hearing that Jay and Lottie were together and how things changed again when Lottie told me she had cancer.
My body starts to relax as I talk, it’s like I’m letting go of so much bottled-up frustration and worry. Kyle and Jenny don’t judge or interrupt, they just listen and when I come onto the subject of Jay, they really get it.
‘It must be confusing for you,’ Jenny says gently. ‘You’ve spent so long telling yourself you can’t be with him, no wonder there’s a block there.’
‘The problem is, you’ve been listening to other people and not yourself.’ Kyle eyes me with a stern expression. ‘You can’t hold yourself back because of some family feud that was over years ago, I don’t even think mum cares about it any more. And you can’t stop yourself being happy because of Lottie, those two were together ages ago, and it sounds like it wasn’t that successful anyway.’
‘It wasn’t,’ I admit. ‘But that doesn’t make it any easier. Jay still hurt me when he got with Lottie, I gave him that choice all those years ago. We had got so close, and I opened myself up to him. I told him what I wanted, and he wasn’t interested.’
‘You told him all of this?’
‘Yeah, I wrote it in a letter. I couldn’t speak to him at the time because he was looking after his mum and dad and I had to rush off to care for Nan – but everything was in that letter, my heart and soul and he didn’t respond. It was like he didn’t care. Within weeks he was with Lottie.’
Jenny breathes out. ‘Shit, that’s tough.’
‘Yeah it is,’ Kyle agrees. ‘But he was younger then and people change, don’t they? Let’s not all judge ourselves by our behaviour in the past.’
I bow my head, feeling a rush of guilt. Here I am, making peace with the brother I’d shunned for years, but I struggled to do the same with the one person who had been closest to me for so long. Why did I find this so hard?
‘Is it because you’re scared that he will hurt you the most?’ Kyle asks gently. ‘Is that why you’re too afraid to let him back in?’
Tears well in my eyes. Yes, that’s it. Of course it is. I’ve spent so long building up defences, protecting myself from pain and rejection, why would I want to subject myself to more? Surely, it’s better to keep the danger away from me and try to stop the temptation.
But why did that feel so wrong?
Jenny gives me a box full of tissues and I take a handful, mopping at my eyes, my nose, my face until I finally calm myself down.
‘You’ve been through a lot,’ she soothes. ‘It’s no wonder your head is all over the place.’
I smile gratefully. ‘I blame Lottie’s stupid jar, if it wasn’t for her making me dig everything up from the past and remember everything I wouldn’t be in this state.’
‘Yeah, maybe,’ Kyle says. ‘But if it wasn’t for Lottie, you wouldn’t be here with me, would you?’
‘And we are really glad you came,’ Jenny adds, squeezing my hand.
There is so much kindness coming from them. Kyle isn’t the same angry little boy he used to be, and why on earth did I expect him to be? We had all been through trauma and come through the other side. We were allowed to heal and grow.
‘There’s something else we’d like to tell you, before you go. We haven’t even told Mum yet.’ Kyle moves over to Jenny and wraps his arms around her. ‘We are going to have a baby. You’ll be an auntie soon, Sara. Our little family has just got a little bit bigger.’