Day Fourteen
Sara
I can’t believe I hadn’t thought about adopting another cat before. For at least an hour this morning, I’ve been sitting and watching them play. Goose is like a kitten again, chasing the younger cat around – they are having so much fun. It strikes me that Goose might have been lonely, sitting in this flat all by herself. I should have got her a friend a long time ago.
‘Everyone needs someone. It’s no fun to be alone,’ I whisper, watching as my two pets curl up together on the sofa. A feeling of dread snakes around my insides. I stare at Lottie’s jar – only two messages remain and then they are all gone.
Soon I will have nothing left. I will be alone again.
I reach out and touch the glass. All of this has been so emotional, reminding me of my up-and-down relationship with Lottie. We probably weren’t the closest friends that have ever existed, we had so many differences and we misjudged each other – but there was something that drew us together. We were both passionate, strong-willed and ultimately kind. We were both seeking the love and security that we never really got from our lives growing up – Lottie because her parents were so cold and distant, and me because my life was so chaotic and disorderly.
Ultimately, we were both looking for love – which we never actually found.
God, that’s so shit when you think about it.
I make a quick call to the care home to check on Derek. I’m back next week, but I don’t want any nasty surprises. Ade answers and, to my relief, he tells me that Derek is doing better than ever, the drugs really are kicking in now, and I end the call feeling much better than I did.
My phone buzzes in my hand. I glance at the screen and see it’s another message from Jay. He clearly doesn’t understand what ‘leave me alone’ means. I open it reluctantly and read the text slowly, it takes a while as the words seem to swim in front of me.
Hey Sara.
I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t keep trying to contact you like this.
Your message was pretty clear. I just don’t like leaving things like
this. There are still things I’d like to say, if you’d give me the
chance.
I’m sorry about the kiss, it shouldn’t have happened, but if I’m
honest I don’t regret it. The truth is, I’ve never been able to get you
out of my head, Sara. I know that’s my problem and not yours, but I just
felt like it needed to be said.
I will respect your wishes and I won’t call again. I’m going back to
Newcastle tomorrow anyway, I’m needed back at work.
If I don’t hear from you again, I’ll understand – but I needed you to
know how much you mean to me, how much you’ve always meant to me.
I wish we could find a way to stop hurting each other.
J x
The words were like bullets tearing into my skin. I click out of the message, blinking away the tears, and try to ground myself by staring at my cats again. I’m doing the right thing – I know it. Jay and I are bad for each other. We can’t build on something that was based on teenage infatuation, family divide and ultimate betrayal – that isn’t sustainable. I also can’t forget what Erica had told me about Jay cheating on Lottie. Even if he didn’t want to be with her any more, he could’ve treated her better. Instead, what had he done? Hurt her and left her heartbroken. That is something that I don’t want to bring into my life.
Not again.
We aren’t some kind of modern Romeo and Juliet. We are nothing like it.
My phone suddenly rings, making me jump. Surely, it’s not Jay?
It’s not, and weirdly I feel a mixture of relief and regret. I answer the call quickly.
‘Mum? You OK?’
‘Yes, yes, I’m fine. I’m just calling because I spoke to Kyle.’ Mum’s words are tumbling out so fast, I’m having trouble keeping up. ‘He said you went to see him yesterday. Sara, that’s so wonderful.’
‘Well – I thought it was about time.’
‘He was so happy, and so am I.’ She pauses and I hear her sniff. ‘He told you about the baby?’
‘Yes.’ I grin at the thought. ‘I can’t believe Kyle is going to be a daddy. He’s actually a grown-up now.’
‘Our family is finally starting to heal,’ Mum replies quietly, and I can hear the crack in her words. ‘I’ve waited for so long for this and at last I can see it. We are together again.’
‘Yes, Mum, we are,’ I say, and I realise that I’m as relieved as she is.
‘I really feel like things are looking up, Sara. We are moving forward.’ She pauses. ‘And it’s about time, we have spent too long being sad and bitter.’
I blink back the tears. ‘Yes, Mum – we really have.’
The second-to-last message from the jar sits open on my lap; the instructions are clear, but Lottie’s intentions aren’t. I honestly don’t know why she would want to remember that day.
Go to the lake where we went the day I told you my cancer was terminal. Remember the words I told you – it’s important, I promise.
In truth, I’ve avoided the lake ever since. How could I forget standing by the water edge, listening as Lottie told me her devastating news. I had been useless really, muttering platitudes that I knew meant nothing and would do no good – but what else can you do when someone tells you they are dying? Especially someone so young with her whole life in front of her. It was so desperately unfair. So wrong. So unjust.
But what else can I do, Lottie wants me back there. She wants me to remember and I’ve agreed to honour her last wish.
Reluctantly, I pull on my trainers, take a deep breath and step out of the front door.
‘ It’s OK ,’ I hear Lottie breathe by my ear. ‘ You’re almost there now. ’
But it doesn’t matter if I’m close to the end or not, this isn’t getting any easier.
It’s only a thirty-minute walk away and I’m glad to have the time to clear my head. It’s not as hot today and a cool breeze helps ease my journey. I try listening to music to begin with, but I find every song is making me feel either emotional or more stressed, so I decide to focus on the sounds around me instead.
We did this walk together the last time, when Lottie told me she had something to tell me and suggested we go down to the lake together. She had been in a good mood that day, full of smiles and jokes which lulled me into a false sense of security – I actually believed that she was going to tell me good news. Perhaps an all-clear. As we walked, I was thinking of all the things we could do together after she told me – a holiday perhaps, another trip to London, happy things that friends should do together.
‘This is nice,’ she had said, grinning. ‘Just walking and being together. I missed you so much when you went abroad. I was so upset when you didn’t come back after six months.’
‘Yeah, I guess I just got caught up out there. It was a different life for a bit,’ I said, not telling her that Dec had already warned me that Lottie and Jay were ‘kind of dating’ and how I might want to prepare for that if I came back. Turns out it took me two years to prepare and even then it still hurt like a bitch.
‘I feel like we lost so much time,’ she said gently. ‘All that time you were away and then when you first came back, you didn’t even contact me.’
‘It was awkward…’ I felt bad saying it. ‘You know. You guys were still together.’
‘Barely.’ She half laughed. ‘Do you know I didn’t bump into you by accident in town that day we met up? I’d actually been waiting outside your flat. I wanted to knock, but I was too scared that you might not want to talk, so I ended up following you instead.’
‘A bit creepy…’
‘I know, I know, but when I got that diagnosis I felt so alone. Mum couldn’t cope with it. Dad thought he could throw money at it. Jay wasn’t there. I needed you.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, because what else was there to say? I did have regrets. I knew I had lost lots of time hiding away when I probably should have been facing up to my problems. I didn’t think about the knock-on effect it would have on those around me.
As I reach the lake now I take the same circular route that I took with Lottie before. The wind whips at my hair as I walk close to the water, watching the ducks circle gracefully on the surface. I peer down into the shallows and can just about make out the golden scales of a carp skimming below. I’d forgotten how nice it is here, how peaceful. The lake itself is tucked away from the rest of the town, so apart from a few dog walkers and a young family feeding the swans on the other side, I am alone.
Lottie always loved it here. The sea was too wild for her. Too unpredictable. The lake was where she felt safe.
I take a seat on the same battered old bench where I’d sat with her before. I tip my head up towards the shielded sun and draw out a long breath. I remember her words when we sat here before. I think they have been lodged into me ever since, like invisible ink carved into my bones.
‘I’m dying, Sara,’ she said quite calmly. ‘There’s nothing I can do.’
I remember how I’d suddenly noticed how frail Lottie had looked sitting there; how had I missed that before? Her skin was grey and drawn, her cheeks sunken and her arms and legs looked too thin and reedy against the frame of the bench. Had I just ignored these signs because I was too scared to see them?
It was then when I became flustered. I argued. I insisted that there must be more things we could look into, surely not every avenue had been investigated. I took her tiny hand in mine and realised it was like gripping twigs. I was suddenly so scared of hurting her. I burst into tears.
‘I’m so tired, Sara,’ she said. ‘But it’s OK, really it’s OK.’
‘OK! How is any of this OK ?’
She shrugged. ‘I think I’m done with being angry. It’s not helping. I’ve realised, probably a little too late, that bitterness only ends up eating you up. I wish I’d spent more time being grateful for the small things I had rather than wishing that everything was different.’
‘But this is so unfair.’
‘Yeah. It is.’ She smiled weakly. ‘But that’s life, isn’t it. We’re all dealt a hand. We never quite know how the game will play out.’
We sat in silence for a bit then. I was still sobbing softly, trying to think of solutions, anything to make things better, and Lottie remained calm and poised, staring out towards the lake as if she had just told me the weather report for tomorrow.
We always were so different.
‘It’s when something like this happens that you start to evaluate your life better,’ she said quietly, her gaze still fixed on the water. ‘I think of some of the mistakes I’ve made in the past – some of the regrets I have – and I wish that I’d done things differently.’
‘You can’t be thinking stuff like that now, Lottie.’
‘No, maybe not.’ She paused for a moment. ‘But maybe I can figure out a way to fix a few things – it’ll give me some peace.’
‘What do you mean?’
What was Lottie talking about? Was she upset about Jay? I knew she hadn’t spoken to him in some time. Or was this about her fractured relationship with her parents – I knew it was something she often felt sad about. She turned back to face me and for the first time that day, her expression was so sad. My heart sank, waiting for more bad news – but when she finally spoke her words surprised me.
‘You have been such a good friend to me, Sara. I know we haven’t known each other that long and perhaps things could have been better at times, but you came at a time when I really needed you. I’d always dreamt of having a friend like you, someone I could aspire to be one day. I think in many ways you made me stronger. I only wish I could have been better to you.’
‘Oh, Lottie – you have been a good friend.’
She shook her head sadly. ‘I should have never dated Jay. It wasn’t right. You need to know, I—’
I quickly interrupted her. I hated to see her beat herself up about this, especially with everything she was already going through.
‘Forget about Jay, Lottie. We were never going to work, and I don’t have ownership over him. I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long like a wounded child. I should have been happy for you.’
‘There wasn’t much to be happy about in the end. We didn’t exactly work out well either…’ Her gaze drifted off again. ‘But I do think maybe we should talk about it.’
‘Not yet we shouldn’t. We have plenty of time for that. Today is about you. Just you.’ I pulled her into a hug, feeling her delicate body press against mine. I really did believe, even then, that we’d have so much time together – that we would have lots more talks and walks and opportunities to put right the wrongs of the past.
How could I have guessed that Lottie was just weeks away from leaving me?
I sit here now, blinking away the tears. Why does Lottie want this all coming back to me now? Was it the unfinished conversation? Or was it just the fact that we had sealed our love for each other, here on a battered old bench in the faded sunshine.
Somebody once told me that grief is an assault on your emotions and that you never quite know what will strike you next. This is exactly how I feel now, as pain, fear, anger, regret and sorrow seem to be swamping me at once. Will this ever get easier?
And now I’m still left with questions. Was there something more she wanted to tell me? Was she going to open up about Jay cheating on her, or was there more? Was there something else I needed to know?
I reach for my phone.
One person could provide me with the answer of course, but how could I trust them? How would I know that anything Jay told me would be the truth?
But there was someone else. Somebody who had been close to them both.
Somebody who might be able to give me some much-needed answers.
I find the number and press dial before I had second thoughts.
And then I take a shaky breath.