Pieces of Us

Chapter 31 Figure

Amity

After another attempt to get a hold of Uncle Jacob about plans for my house, I finally give up and head to his house.

It has already been an emotionally draining week between divulging my dark past with Jas and sending Jagger off at the airport. Tears glistened my eyes as my best friend hopped aboard. I hoped he knew his place in my life and how much I appreciated his gentle kindness and patience with me.

Since leaving Jas’ that afternoon, I wondered if my experience I shared with her was too provocative, but as I reflected more, I realised it ticked every box for her assignment and would prepare her for the shocks of being a journalist.

Despite being weary and dog-tired, there were things I needed to tie up before I left soon—like my house. Yawning widely, I go through the motions of slipping on a very basic black dress and my Havaiana thongs. Years of dressing to the nines or in sensual lingerie and bikinis has deprived me of the chance to just dress down like a slob.

Grabbing some herbal iced tea from the fridge to rehydrate and wake up, I scroll mindlessly through my phone to check emails before I head out.

I’m disappointed that I haven’t heard from Lincoln since I’ve been back. It’s not that I was expecting him to grovel, but I at least thought he’d attempt to see me. Especially since he made a point of asking to chat when I got back.

I even flicked him a message yesterday to let him know I’d be free for the rest of the week. No reply. It’s insecure reasons like this that make me want to pull away again.

Feeling low, I chug the last of the tea and turn to trek to the door. As I’m leaving, Dad and Lily stroll in, giggling.

‘Lily? What are you doing here?’ Her eyes widen as Dad stiffens beside her—probably in pain still.

‘I was coming to see if you wanted to grab dinner.’

I was sure I texted her that I was going to Uncle Jacob’s. Unless I am crazy and didn’t? I have been a complete scatterbrain lately.

‘Oh, I’m on my way out to see Uncle Jacob about my house, and then I was going to see if Lincoln wanted to take a walk or something.’ So I had a secondary plan for going over. Sue me.

‘Lil, you know you’re welcome to stay and have dinner with me. You’ve been working double shifts since you got back. Relax. If you’re here when Amity gets back, great, otherwise, you can always crash and catch up with her tomorrow.’ Dad seems to have a quick solution for her unannounced visit. I’m too tired to grill him on why he’s being weird, so I just wave my hands at both of them.

‘Yeah, yeah. Catch you both later.’

The door shuts behind me, but I swear I can hear the giggling start up again. I mean, I know Lily has been Dad’s nurse since he became injured, but it seems they’ve gotten closer in a weird, friendly way that my brain won’t compute because going anywhere near there would just shut my mind down.

The Uber doesn’t take long to pick me up and take me to Uncle Jacob’s house. As we draw closer, I can see that Lincoln’s car is parked in the driveway.

Sucking in a breath, I see him climb out and walk determinedly up the driveway. I jump out of the Uber, barely thanking the guy, and chase after him. He continues to stride forward, opening the front door and nearly slamming it shut on my nose.

‘Linc. Shit. Woah.’ I leap back to protect my face.

The doors open again, revealing his restless face. I’m not sure who put him in this mood, but it heightens concern in my body.

I swallow heavily as I take in his intense stare. His jaw clenches and his hands flex by his sides in fists.

‘Hi.’ When he doesn’t respond, I start babbling. ‘This is a surprise. I mean, I was hoping you’d swing by, but I came to speak to your dad. I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. Is he here? I messaged you, but you didn’t respond either.’ Piecing all these coincidences together, I start to realise they may not be coincidences at all. Before I left the interview with Jas, I made her promise not to tell either of them until I did. What if she told them? My belly flops, knowing I am probably closer to the truth even if my mind is in denial.

‘Sorry…it’s been a busy few days,’ he interrupts softly. His grip on the door tightens, making his knuckles white. ‘I was planning to call you.’

‘Oh.’ God, this is beyond awkward.

‘Come in. I…Uh. I actually wanted to talk to you.’

In what world has anything good resulted from that sentence? Dread fills my lungs as if I’m drowning.

He takes a step back, faltering slightly in hesitation. Stepping over the threshold and turning towards the living area, I chance a glance at him, seeing that he’s wearing an unsure, vulnerable look across his face. I’m anxious as hell to find out what—or who—has him so twisted.

Trudging behind me, I quicken my steps to try and create a gap. He’s making me want to run for the hills. Catching up, he grasps my upper arm and whirls me around, enveloping me in a breathless hug. I’m motionless as our bodies press against each other, too shocked at his behaviour. My arms sag beside me, but knowing this could possibly be the last time I can touch him, I flail them around his body.

‘Something is up,’ I sigh, feeling like wet spaghetti against him. ‘I’d rather you just tell me so we can talk through it.’ I try to subtly inhale his fresh scent, but he can definitely hear me.

We pull apart but I hold my breath in suspense.

Touching the side of my cheek, he gives me a grim smile. When he lowers it, I feel a twinge of bereftness at the loss.

Slumping back into the lounge with his eyes resting towards the ceiling, I can tell he doesn’t know how to begin. I sit across from him, unsure if I need or should be near him. Do I want to be?

‘Where’s Uncle Jacob?’

‘He’ll be here in a bit. Uh, we needed to go over something.’

I cut him off. ‘About me?’

‘Yeah.’ Cryptic fucking much?

As much as I want to throttle him, I don’t want to jump down his throat, so I budge him a little further.

‘And Jas?’

‘Out with friends.’

‘Okay.’

Silence.

‘So, you said we should talk?’ I prompt with irritation in my tone.

‘Yes…and you’re not going to like what I say. Actually, you’re going to be pretty fucking mad,’ he starts.

My worst nightmares are coming true.

‘Oh my God. You slept with Billie!’

‘What? No!’ He almost jumps off the lounge before plopping back down again.

‘Someone else?’ I urge.

‘No!’

‘You have an STD?’ His eyes are wild and conflicted with emotion.

‘God. Just stop. It’s nothing like that.’ He settles beside me and takes my hand. ‘I wouldn’t do that to you again. Never again,’ he states firmly.

Blinking back impending tears, I’m close to losing it.

‘Linc. You’re scaring me.’ I search his face for any type of clue.

‘Dad and I heard your interview with Jas.’ He gulps, searching my face for a reaction, but I have none. I’m stunned. You could slap me across the face with a wet fish, and still, I’d be motionless and emotionless. It’s like a fail-safe has been activated, and everything inside me is vaulting up.

‘I didn’t mean to. We didn’t mean to. Before I knew it, I was crouched outside Jas’ room.’

Mild annoyance courses through me at the invasion of my privacy, but I feel despicable, that he had to hear the very worst of me. Unable to look at him, my eyes lower to the ground.

‘I was going to tell you,’ I all but whisper.

‘I know, baby.’ He sighs in frustration. I’m not sure if he’s frustrated at me or him. ‘I was impatient to see you, so I thought it was harmless to just take a peek. Then you started speaking.’

Droplets fall from my eyes in anguish over one, the relief that he knows, and two, the heartbreak that is to come.

My palms start sweating as I try to remember every specific detail I shared. I guess it doesn’t matter because it’s recorded, but even then, I can’t take back what I revealed.

‘I have to go.’ I am humiliated, ashamed and guilty.

‘No, baby. We need to talk,’ he begs. His voice is so soft and tender. I can’t bear the pity.

He tries to take my hand again, but I snatch it away and start pulling at my hair. I don’t know how I’m supposed to escape when I have no car and can’t seem to remember how to use my phone.

Giving up on being Houdini, I slump forward. Feeling his palm caress my back, I break down, the tears finally falling. My hands go to my face to furiously swipe at them, but it’s no use. My body needs this release. I completely lose all the fight in me when he engulfs me in a hug, letting me cry into his chest. There’s snot everywhere, and I’m gulping in harsh breaths. I’m a mess, but he doesn’t care. He just holds me, trying to give me the remains of his own strength.

When I’ve gained some sort of semblance of normality, I pry myself away enough to have this conversation with him.

‘How much did you hear?’ I croak out.

‘Everything.’

I close my eyes at his admission, knowing he’s heard the atrocious things I did and how I abysmally and directly blamed him—still blame him, to an extent. If I recall, I told Jas he was still my biggest trigger.

‘Was it all true?’ he quietly asks.

There’s no point sugarcoating it. I nod.

‘I need to know why you never told me the extent of your body issues.’

I quirk an eyebrow. ‘Why does it matter?’

‘It matters because before you were my girlfriend. My everything. You were my best friend. I should have known…and I guess, to some degree, I did, but I honest to God thought that it was just normal for girls to have those sorts of hang-ups.’

He drops his head in remorse.

‘What’s killing me is that you thought I felt that way about you, that I didn’t do enough to convince you that everything about you was perfect. Amity, baby, when I overheard you tell Jas what you thought the reason I chose…her over you was, I wanted to die. And the rumours and the taunts? Jesus, Hart, I want to kill every single person who made you feel less than transcendent, because that’s what you are to me.’ I can feel the anguish in his voice.

‘I didn’t know any of that at the time.’

‘I know it doesn’t hurt any less that I chose her over you, but I thought you were seriously done with me when you caught me with her. I didn’t think there was any redemption, so I chose to stay with her, knowing you wouldn’t want to reconcile or give me a chance. Plus, I was stupid and blindsided by her perceived friendship. It had nothing to do with your body.’

I don’t want to rehash that side of the past, so I remain silent.

‘Did…did…I not show you enough how much I loved every part of you? I thought I worshipped your body, but somewhere I went wrong?’ He’s trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation.

‘It’s okay, Linc.’ I try to control his racing thoughts.

‘No, Hart. Baby, it’s not.’ He snaps his fingers. ‘You said stuff about lingering looks, porn and me wanting you to change your clothes.’ He snaps his fingers again before clutching both my hands in his. ‘I knew Billie had somewhat of a crush on me, so every time I looked at her, it was half in dread that she would get between us. I never knew if she would spill all those lies we shared—which I wish I could take back. And…and…me wanting you to wear clothes that fit you was because I practically drooled over your body. I wanted to see it all the time, even if it was hidden beneath clothes. And, oh yeah, staring at what other girls wore? I was just baffled that their parents would let them go out like that at their age.’

‘What about the porn?’

‘If you looked beyond their bodies, you’d see they were the spitting image of your face. I didn’t have much video evidence for the spank bank of you, so I looked up women who looked like you.’

Oh. My face flames at that sweet admission.

‘I didn’t know…’I trail off.

‘I don’t want to berate you, but you didn’t trust me enough to be open with me.’

That’s fair. I can’t deny that. ‘I know. I’m sorry. Even if it’s worth nothing to you, I am sorry. I should have been more open about how I was struggling.’

‘Hart.’ I hear the pain in his voice because he’s taking it out on my hands, the way he is squeezing. I try to squeeze back, encouraging him to let out his thoughts.

‘Is it true that you wanted to die?’

I force a lump down my throat at the candid question.

‘Yes.’

‘Because of me?’

‘Yes.’

This is the moment that breaks him. Tears soak his cheeks as he rests his head in my lap. It’s too unbearable for me, but right now, this is about him, and I need to remember that I’ve had years to work through my issues.

‘I’ll never forgive myself.’

Stroking his hair, I give him the solace he needs.

‘You can and you will, Linc, because I’ve already forgiven you. But most of all, I’ve forgiven myself,’ I soothe, basking in his silky strands between my fingers. His head is heavy on my lap, no doubt just like his heart.

‘You almost killed yourself because of me. Because you loved me. Because you couldn’t bear to live if I was with someone else. I’m a monster. I broke you.’ The distress is palpable. I can feel it eating him alive.

‘I’m better now,’ I promise.

‘How?’ he shouts. ‘You said you’re still triggered by me, that you always will be. Even your visit here…you said you vomited right after seeing me. You don’t eat. I won’t let you kill yourself by loving or being with me again.’ There’s an adamant defiance in his voice as he lifts his head.

He’s already decided that there will be no us because he can’t risk the chance of breaking me again.

‘Linc. Stop,’ I scold his runaway thoughts. ‘You’re not making this choice for us. You don’t get to set me free because you think that’s the right or easy thing to do. You stay and you fight for us if you love me. You choose to be the best thing for me, not the worst. If you want me, we will find a way to make it work.’

There. I’ve laid out all my cards on the table. Without stumbling over my words, I’m proud I was able to verbalise what I want.

‘I hate myself.’

I snort. ‘I hate myself.’

‘I feel tortured, knowing how deep you spiralled.’

‘Yet, here I am.’ I sink into the lounge, feeling exhaustion overtake my body.

‘Are you in love with Jagger?’ The question is so left field, I burst out laughing, which makes him clench his jaw and place his fists on his lap. I bite my lip when I see how serious he is.

‘No.’ I’m firm.

‘But you love him. You said he was a soulmate or some shit.’ The words are bitter from his mouth. Jealousy consumes him. I won’t lie about who Jagger is to me.

‘I won’t rehash what you overheard. I love Jagger. He saved me when no one else did. He is a soulmate…but you’re my soul.’ I still don’t know what that means, but I don’t want things to be left unsaid anymore. ‘What he gave me filled a void while you were missing. He was the caretaker of my body, heart and mind while I figured myself out and fixed what was broken.’

‘Did you sleep with him last week?’

I shake my head slowly, reminding myself to be completely honest. ‘We had a goodbye kiss.’

‘Did he see you naked?’

‘Only my chest.’ I shrug. If my near nudeness will be an issue for him, then that’s something we’ll have to wade through together. It’s practically my brand.

‘It looked like you weren’t wearing bottoms.’ His accusatory tone is valid, so I let it slide.

‘I had a G-string on. None of his body parts were inserted in mine.’ It isn’t a test, but if he doesn’t believe me, there will be no way forward for us.

‘I hate him.’ His head falls back on the headrest, making a loud thump.

‘No, you don’t.’

He huffs. ‘No. I don’t. How can I hate someone who is so selfless? Who looked after my girl? Who gave her back to me? He never took anything from you. Plus, if I was gay, I’d bang him.’

I almost piss myself laughing at how adorable he is. It feels like we’re teens again. If only that were true. I’d do so many things differently.

When my fit dies down, I turn to him. ‘Linc?’

‘Hmm?’

‘I need to ask you something.’

He sits up and faces his body towards mine. His honey-coloured orbs are intently focused on mine.

‘Do you think we can get past this? Or are you willing to try? A lot of trust has been broken on both ends, and I really don’t know how to get it back…’ I air my deepest fears.

‘The question is, do you want to?’ he quizzes.

I squirm on the spot. I haven’t made this decision lightly.

‘I don’t know. I think we just need to keep the pressure off.’

He licks his bottom lip in anxiousness.

‘I can’t break you again.’ My lips turn down in sorrow at the start of his rejection. ‘But I can’t let you go, either. You’re mine. You have been since we were four, and you will be in every reincarnated version of us.’ Suddenly, my heart soars.

My heart is leaping in my chest, threatening to go into cardiac arrest, but I need to reel it in. As much as I wish we could jump back to being together, we need to take microscopic steps.

‘I feel like we have so much more to unpack.’ I sigh.

‘I know.’ He drops his head, bothered by something. ‘I think I need to go and see someone about…your issues. Maybe joint counselling?’ he hedges. He’s in pain as he pauses. ‘I don’t know how to cope with half of the things you’ve gone through or understand them, but I will try, and I will learn.’

My eyes twinkle with tears, dim at potential future implications.

‘It’s going to be gritty to hear some things. It’s going to be draining. But most of all, it’s going to be frustrating to learn who we are now as opposed to who we were in the past. I’m afraid we won’t be able to handle it.’

‘I’m willing to try if you are.’

Biting my lip in nervousness, I nod, at least willing to try.

There is one lingering doubt in my mind: what my job means for us. ‘I need you to understand that who you dated all those years ago is not who I am anymore. I live a life in the public eye. My job involves flirting and nudity. I travel and have this whole glamorous life that I know can be difficult to accept.’

I’m not saying I won’t compromise, but I love what I’ve built, and I’m proud. ‘I don’t want to lose myself in you, like I let happen before,’ I emphasise.

‘We will work it out.’

We each take a breath, marinating on everything that’s just been said. He’s the first one to cut the silence.

‘Since you’ve been back, all I’ve done is really talk and tell you how much I’ve changed, to give me a chance, but I haven’t shown you. I want to prove to you that you are my world.’

I frown, not knowing where he’s going with this.

‘I’ve requested Billie be transferred to another department. I don’t want you to have to be near her. Billie and I will always share a complicated past, filled with good and bad memories, but that’s just what it is—my past. Any residual feelings of fondness or memories will be just that.’

It’s the best-case scenario, I guess. I can’t tell him to hate her or to forget the times they shared. It was part of the tapestry that made the man sitting in front of me today.

‘I also ended my friendships with everyone I overheard you mention.’ I gasp and go to talk, but he raises his hand to let him finish. ‘No. This was not because of what they did or said about you. This is because I refuse to be around people who have those sorts of qualities. It makes me sick that I could even call some of those people my friends. I don’t care in the slightest if they were young and immature, I don’t believe a leopard can change their spots that much, and my life won’t change with or without them in it.’

His comments stupefy me. He’s changing his whole world to accommodate me.

‘I can’t change the past. I wish I could, but that time is gone. I can only promise you what I’m willing to give you in my future, and that’s everything. It’s all of me. I want you to have all my lasts, and I want you to feel completely at home and comfortable, standing by my side. I want you to know in your heart and soul that this is putting you first, forever. Even if it doesn’t work between us, I will never harm you like I have again.’

His speech means the world to me. An errant strand of hair falls on my cheek, prompting Linc to lift his hand and secure it behind my ear. He cups my cheek, making me feel a thousand different things. It’s only now that I feel him swipe at the lone tear that’s slid down my face. ‘I am so sorry, Hart, for all the pain I caused you. I can’t believe how much I fucked up, even when you weren’t here. I will fight for you and us, and I will love you every day, even when you don’t love yourself. I will love us enough for both of us.’

Mesmerised by his speech, I don’t know what to say that could ever compare to his thoughtful words and actions.

‘Your heart, body, soul, peace, comfort, success, happiness and health will always mean more to me than anything. I will always put those things first, and I promise to never give up.’

‘Linc,’ I barely whisper, emotion breaking in my voice. We’re so close that I can feel his hot breath mingle with mine.

Pressing a chaste kiss to my lips, he seals his promise. It’s not even close enough to satiating my slutty, lustful need for him, but it’s perfect.