Chapter 56
—Reed—
I sat across from Banks at our usual table in the LP that evening, soul-searching into my beer.
“If you find answers, let me know,” he drawled.
I glanced up to find a small smile on his mouth yet empathy filling his eyes.
I scrubbed my hand over my forehead and hair. “I can’t fucking shake it, Banksy.”
He hummed and nodded knowingly. “Losing a patient is the worst part of the job.”
“We didn’t even fucking lose her; she was deceased by the time we got there.” The image of the infant, ghostly pale and blue-lipped flashed in my mind, turning my stomach. I pushed my beer away and pressed my hands to my ears, unable to get the mom’s wailing grief out of my head.
There was crying, then there was crying. And it fucking made my skin crawl so badly I wanted to tear layers off with my fingernails.
When I got home after work, I hugged Posie to my chest and held myself together until Connie left. The second I heard her car depart, I collapsed onto the living room floor, sat with my back to the couch, and cried into my infant daughter’s hair.
I was sickened for the family who’d lost their baby today. Sickened for the mom because it was a horrible accident with the worst outcome, and ill to the pit of my stomach because that could have been anyone’s baby. It could have been my baby.
When Banks arrived at my place, I’d managed to move from the floor to the couch but hadn’t let Posie out of my arms. I simply couldn’t.
As soon as he entered my house, he leaned over and hugged me without uttering a single word. Brother to brother, he knew what had gone down and understood the pain I was dealing with. He understood how much it was fucking with my head.
I gripped his forearm—a silent message to not let me go just yet.
“I know, bro,” my big brother murmured, hugging my head tighter.
We stayed locked in the embrace for a long minute before I dared to take a large breath and speak.
“You’re going to make me go out, aren’t you?”
“Yup. Best thing for it,” Banks replied, shifting to sit beside me on the couch and tickling Posie’s little arm. “Simone’s waiting in the car while we take a second.”
I nodded on repeat, getting my head as straight as I could.
Life didn’t stop because someone lost a life. I still had to function, but fuck. Today was the hardest callout in my career to date. It threatened to send me spiraling into the void that I’d been shirking the edges of.
I looked up from daydreaming into my beer again when Wendy arrived at our table. Word had spread around town about the baby drowning, and instead of her usual smile and flirtatious conversation, Wendy’s face was drawn and somber.
“On the house tonight, boys,” she said quietly, sliding the plates stacked with burgers and fries onto the table.
“It’s okay, Wends, I got these tonight,” I replied.
She shook her head. “We won’t take no for an answer.” She then leaned across the table and squeezed my forearm. “Take care of yourself, darlin’.”
I nodded as a gritty, “Thanks, Wends,” clawed its way from my throat.
She left after a sad smile, then Banks abruptly left the booth without an explanation. I nibbled on a fry, not tasting a damn thing, until he arrived back a minute later with two shots of amber liquid.
“Tequila,” he explained as he slid into the booth across the table from me.
Careful not to spill a drop, I accepted one and raised it in unison with his, then downed it without question.
Banks and I hissed away the afterburn, then chased it down with a long drink of beer.
We didn’t utter another word while we tucked into our dinner—Banks all but diving headfirst into his burger while I shifted the fries around my plate.
“I’ll stay tonight, bro,” he declared through a mouthful.
“You don’t need to, dude.”
“I want to.”
Alone with my thoughts, I nodded again, accepting my brother’s presence when he knew I needed it the most.
~
“Did you call Kasey at all over the weekend?” Eric asked as he plonked heavily into his chair on Monday morning.
I stilled for a second, then carefully set my coffee down. Guilt swamped my chest, burning its way up and down the seam of my ribcage. I hadn’t had the will to face her in my current state of mind. Call me stupid, call me weak, but I couldn’t let her see how broken I was. I’d been losing my grip on the edge of the black hole I was hanging over. Thank fuck Banks had stayed all weekend; his presence alone had been enough to stop me from letting go.
After I returned from Denver, Kase and I had talked every night. The foundations of our relationship had started to solidify and rebuild. But three nights ago, I’d unintentionally halted progress and pulled away because of what happened on Friday.
Eric slapped his palm on his desk. “You didn’t, did you?”
My shoulders squared with indignation. “I had shit to do.”
He didn’t buy it for a second. “Bullshit. You had sand to put your head in. You’ve literally spent months pining for her, and now you’re pushing her away.”
“I’m not,” I yelled, drawing attention from everyone in the office. “Shit,” I hissed, ducking my head and scrubbing both hands through my hair.
It was all so much. Life seemed too much right now.
After taking a second, I spoke without anger. “I’m not pushing her away, dude. I’m fucking exhausted. I barely have enough energy to wipe my ass after a shit, let alone hold a conversation she won’t want to hear.”
My partner’s expression softened, and genuine empathy filled his blue eyes. “A conversation is a conversation, no matter the content.”
I didn’t comment; I’d been through all this with the psychologist.
“Have you messaged her this morning?” Eric pressed.
“No. Not yet.” I took a large swig of coffee and hissed down the satisfying burn.
His pursed lips told me I was making a mistake. Ignoring him, just like I ignored the niggling sense of wrongdoing, I turned to my computer and forced myself to concentrate.
A fat load of good that was. Hissing a curse, I unlocked my phone and tapped on Kasey’s name. My thumb hovered. Not knowing what to say after my mental absence, I tapped two measly words.
Reed: Mornin’ babe.
“There. Done. Happy now?” I snapped at Eric.
His glare remained hardened. “No.” He set his elbows on his desk and leaned toward me. “Look, Gats. It’s fucking with my head too. The scene keeps playing over and over, and I can’t shut it off. I get how you don’t want to put that shit on Kase—I won’t discuss the details with Jojo either, but you gotta find yourself, dude.”
“Thanks, but I’m getting enough of that advice from Tatiana.” Our psychologist was good at her job, but fuck if she didn’t immediately solve all my problems.
Eric hummed while chugging back the last of his coffee. “That woman’s worth her weight in gold. You ready to hit the road?”
Relief swept through me at having something to do other than sit behind my desk chasing caffeine hits. Patrolling the highway between here and Gallie was the perfect way to fill mindless hours and hopefully dull the guilt over half-assing it with Kasey.
“Yeah, man. Let’s go.”