Chapter 10
TEN
LEE
My eyes popped open as my alarm blared from my nightstand. I was almost grateful for the long flight to Arizona this morning to maybe catch up on the sleep I hadn’t found until less than an hour before I had to get up.
Restless nights before a road trip were nothing new, but I usually managed to get enough sleep not to feel like shit in the morning.
I’d gone over everything with Stella last night regarding Bennie’s routine, made sure she had all the appropriate emergency numbers and contacts, and had given her a list of the simple dinners Bennie would eat without too much of a hassle.
But Stella had been the reason why I’d tossed and turned for most of the night.
It had taken everything in me not to pull Stella into my arms last night after I’d spotted the tears in her eyes. They’d been good tears, or so she’d insisted, but it made me wonder what else she’d been through that she wasn’t saying.
Never mind the years of history we shared and how giving in to whatever was simmering between us would upend all that. I couldn’t be furious at other men for hurting Stella, knowing that was exactly what I’d do if I ever took things to where my mind was wandering lately.
I’d never expected to have actual feelings for anyone else after Katie.
The few times I had hooked up with someone on the road, I’d been very clear about not wanting anything beyond the superficial and physical, and they’d wanted the same and had been fine with it.
Other than a woman I’d been with a couple of times when I’d traveled through Philly, I’d never seen anyone more than once because I hadn’t wanted to.
It had always been hollow, but on those nights I’d felt low enough to want to get lost in someone for a few hours, it had sufficed.
I never thought I’d want more than that from anyone after Katie, until I started wanting more of Stella, wanting to give her all of what I thought I’d lost when I lost my wife.
But I couldn’t screw up the arrangement we had.
This temporary arrangement, despite fixing up Stella’s room as if she were going to live with us forever.
I’d gone shopping with the intention of picking up a few pink things for her room and, instead, had ended up building furniture for the next couple of days, well into the night before she came, trying to get it all perfect for her.
The bookcases had been my idea, sparked by when she’d told Bennie how she’d wanted to live in a library. While I had her here, I wanted to give her everything I could to erase the last couple of months. Not complicate it, all because I couldn’t handle myself.
The pull toward Stella itched under my skin, but no matter how much the temptation was ramping up, I couldn’t scratch it.
When she’d kissed my cheek last night, I’d felt every inch of her mouth, a jolt zapping down my neck.
If I’d turned my head only a few inches, her lips would have been on mine.
My hand would have delved into her hair, weaving my fingers around a fistful as I pulled her to me, then taking that gorgeous mouth in a kiss that would make her forget Zach and any other man who had never been worth her time.
I trudged into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready to meet Silas and the team at JFK Airport. I let the hot water rush over me while I leaned against the wall, trying to get my head right before I headed out for the next week.
I pressed my hand into the cold tile, steam billowing around me as my cock twitched. No, this is a bad idea. Jerking off to Stella would only make it worse, engraining the fantasy I’d been running from into my brain.
Yet, I grabbed my dick anyway, making long strokes up and down as my mind drifted back to us sitting on that bed, the moan she’d make if I slid my tongue past those perfect lips to drink her in and chase this thirst I had no time for but wouldn’t leave me alone.
Even worse, thoughts of Stella in this shower later on flooded my brain, her sweet curves wet, that long, gorgeous hair draping over her breasts.
Maybe I wouldn’t be good for her, but I’d make it good then.
I’d drop to my knees, bury my face between her legs, and make her forget it all. Forget everything but me.
“Like that, sweetheart?” My desperate whisper sounded foreign to my own ears. I’d jerked off in my shower more times than I cared to count, but my pulse had never thrummed in my ears like this, my body rigid from the waist down while I pumped hard, trying in vain to flush Stella out of my system.
The image of her pinned against the wall as I took her, deep and hard, our mouths staying fused together, giving her all I had even though it wouldn’t be enough, was all I needed to spill my release all over the wall.
I leaned forward, catching my breath as my heart sank to my stomach.
This wasn’t good. It was awful, in fact.
Fucking Stella, making love to her, or tasting her on my tongue couldn’t happen. Not while she was living in my house and not ever.
I ran the showerhead back and forth over the wall, erasing my mistake from view but not memory while I washed up, turning the water ice-cold for the last minute, and stepped out.
I had a flight to catch and a job to do. I’d deal with how fucked I was on my own time, which wasn’t now.
I dressed, finished shoving the last few things into my suitcase, and tiptoed into my daughter’s room. Her face was hidden by all the covers and stuffed animals, but I smiled when I spotted the lump of her figure rise and fall under the pink comforter.
“Hey,” I whispered, smoothing the covers down to see her face.
“It’s not school time yet, Daddy. It’s still night,” she murmured, letting out a sleepy sigh as she sank her head deeper into the pillow.
“No, it’s not, but I wanted to kiss you goodbye before I go to the airport. Be good for Stella, okay?”
“I will,” she gave me a hazy smile before reaching her arm toward the ceiling. “Can you still kiss me if I keep lying down?”
“I sure can,” I said, chuckling as I bent over, burying my head into the crook of her little shoulder as she snaked her arm around my neck. “I love you, baby girl. I’ll call you later before the game starts.”
“I love you too. I hope you win them all,” she said on a yawn.
“Me too, Ben,” I said, brushing her hair aside to kiss her forehead.
“I’ll miss you, Daddy,” she said as her eyes fluttered shut.
“I always miss you,” I whispered, pulling her covers back up and tucking them around her tiny body.
I left Bennie’s room with the usual twist of guilt in my gut, but she was used to her father going on weeks-long trips for work. Still, it never made leaving her any easier.
I made my way downstairs and was surprised to see the glow of the kitchen light.
“Hey,” Stella said, beaming at me from the counter with a mug of coffee in her hand. “All packed?”
My gaze dropped to the kitchen tiles as a different kind of guilt washed over me. The depraved kind since I’d just come all over my shower wall, thinking of her wet and naked. Even with her in sweats, my eyes traveled the outline of her perfect body until I forced my head up.
“I think so. I really don’t need much. I’m used to living out of a small suitcase.”
“I know what you mean. You learn to downsize. This is the first time in a while my clothes are actually in drawers. I made coffee in case you want to take some to the airport. I found disposable travel cups in the cabinet.” She handed me a cup. “Still a lot of cream and sugar, right?”
“Yes, thank you,” I said, grabbing the cup from her hand, my fingers grazing hers over the plastic lid. “You don’t have to do that,” I said, motioning to the pot. “I appreciate it, but you don’t have to worry about me.”
“So I’m supposed to pretend you don’t live here too and keep my coffee to myself?
” She clicked her tongue against her teeth, shaking her head.
“I guess you don’t want the egg sandwich I made either.
” She held up the foil-wrapped sandwich.
“I was up early and wanted to get familiar with the kitchen, so I made myself breakfast and thought I’d share, even though it’s not in my job description. ”
A smile ran across my lips at her arched brow.
“Thank you. Again.” I took the sandwich from her and stuffed it into my bag. “Breakfast does suck at an airport.”
“It does.” Stella nodded. “Is something wrong? You look a little out of it.” Her eyes narrowed at me.
“I’m fine,” I said, my eyes darting around the kitchen.
I just came hard against my shower wall thinking of sinking balls deep inside you, so I can’t make eye contact right now.
“Just trying to get my head in the game for a road trip.”
“Pun intended, right?” The corner of Stella’s mouth tipped up when I finally forced my eyes to meet hers. “I hope you’re not worried about us. Just fix the guys, and I’ll take care of Bennie.”
“I’m not, and I know you will. Just…” My gaze roamed her face. The gorgeous eyes, the warm smile curving her lips, the innocent way she looked back at me, unaware of what she was doing to me.
I clenched my eyes shut for a moment, as if that would reset whatever was happening to me. I needed to write this off as a mix of gratitude, friendly affection, and a self-imposed dry spell that was testing my sanity.
Even though I knew it was much more than that.
“Thank you,” I finally said. “For coffee, for breakfast, and for all of it.”
She set her mug down and stepped up to me, pulling me into a one-armed hug.
“If you thank me one more time, I’m going to slug you. What are friends for? This helps me too. I’ll text you during the day just so you can see everything is going smoothly. I mean, if that’s okay. I don’t want to bother you.”
“You’d never bother me. Text all you want. I’d like that.” I kept my arm around her waist as we eased apart, our gazes locked for a long minute until my phone vibrated in my pocket.
“The car is here. See you in ten days.”
Her smile shrank as she stepped back.
“Have a safe flight. Hope you guys win.”
“Me too,” I said, hoisting my carry-on bag over my shoulder as my gaze trapped hers. After decades of knowing Stella, I was painfully aware this was the first time we’d shared an awkward goodbye. This was stupid. Whatever was happening inside my head didn’t have to make everything weird.
But it was, and I had no idea what to do about that either.
Stella slapped my chest, snapping me out of my panicked thoughts.
“Go. You have players to fix.”
“Hopefully not too many,” I said, trying for a laugh. Her smile was easy and relaxed, her chestnut locks swishing on her shoulders as she shook her head at me.
Fuck, she was beautiful.
And I was screwed.
“So get out of here, Doc.”
I finally turned toward my front door and headed down the steps when I spotted the car.
I stepped in, checked my phone for any flight updates, and let my head fall back.
This was going to be a long fucking season.