Chapter 29 #2
A massive weight lifts off my chest, and I lean into him. “Gavin’s been so much help to me, Dad. He goes with me to all my appointments, he gets me ice cream when I’m craving it, even first thing in the morning…”
“Are you having weird cravings?” Mom’s expression turns to problem-solving. “They say it can signal a vitamin deficiency.”
“Not really. I’ve been craving a lot of spicy food, but Mav has us covered there.” I do not mention how horny I’ve been, or how Gav is very good at taking care of that particular need as well.
My cheeks heat, and I glance up at him. He’s still got that smile on his face like this is all going how he expected.
“Which is hilarious, considering how Dylan was when she was pregnant with him,” Mom continues. “She couldn’t eat a thing, and her cooking was awful. Her taste buds were all messed up.”
“I’ve heard.”
“What about morning sickness?” Mom’s brow furrows, and empathy lines her face. “I was so sick the whole time I was pregnant with you.”
“There was that one time at your house. Once I ate a pear, and it came right back up.” I look up at Gavin, and we say the next part together. “So no more pears.”
We laugh, and Dad slaps him on the shoulder. “Good work, son.”
“Her due date is right at the start of our off-season, too,” Gavin continues. “Her doctor has recommended some birthing classes, but that’s been tricky with games and everything.”
“I can go with you if you need help.” Mom rubs my back gently. “Or Gigi. I’m sure she’s excited, too.”
I nod, thinking how my cousin was exactly right. My family is baby-obsessed.
“I’d really like to be there, so I know what to do.” Gavin’s warm eyes hold mine, and my stomach flutters… or maybe that’s the baby moving?
“So what are you having?” Dad’s blue eyes search mine, but Mom pulls his arm gently.
“They might not want to know, Hen.” Her voice is quiet.
Gavin is quick to reassure her. “No, ma’am, we wanted to know. We just haven’t told anyone yet.”
Mom’s eyes light. “Is it a secret?”
“Not really.” I scrunch my nose, looking up at Gav, who shrugs. “It’s all been kind of surprising and fast, and we only just told Gigi and Mav we were pregnant a few weeks ago.”
“Spill it, P,” Dad teases. “Don’t leave us hanging!”
Reaching out, I take Gavin’s hand. My chest fills with excitement, and it’s like I’m cutting into a confetti-filled cake or popping a smoke-filled balloon.
Gavin smiles, and that dimple pierces the side of his cheek. I’ve never seen his blue eyes so happy… Well, I have once before, and it was on the day we found out.
He nods, and I turn to my eager parents, holding out my hands and with a breath announcing, “Mom, Dad, we’re having a girl!”
Mom lets out another shriek, jumping forward to hug me. “We love little girls.”
“I couldn’t agree more, Mrs. B.” Gavin holds my back.
“You have to call me Raven, now.” She grabs his shoulder, pulling him down for a hug. “Have you picked out a name?”
I look up at him again, and he’s still giving me encouragement to keep going. “We haven’t decided on her full name yet, but we definitely know we want to name her Lucille after Grandma Bradford.”
“And you,” Gavin adds, nudging my side. “I always thought Lucy was a cute name.”
“I love Lucy,” Dad says, and it’s all noises of agreement.
This night truly is golden, unlike that day in the park when I was so afraid, when Spanky knocked me into a bush. Thanksgiving feels so long ago, and now we’re here together, surrounded by love and family.
I can’t even remember what I was so worried about…
We regret to inform you, you are no longer qualified to represent the International Princess Woman organization. The title of International Princess Woman will pass to the first runner up…
Cold air touches my cheeks as I walk across campus in the late evening twilight. Numbness pushes on my shoulders, and I pull the cardigan tighter around my body. I slide a hand over my growing stomach, thinking about the little cauliflower-sized baby hidden inside me.
To think only a week ago we were all at my parents’ house laughing, hugging, talking about baby names and picking out little outfits online.
“It doesn’t matter, Lucy,” I whisper, comforting the little girl in me. “You’re so much more important than a crown.”
You will be allowed thirty days to repay the scholarship awarded. If you need longer than thirty days…
It went on to say something about how a payment plan can be provided if I need help repaying the money.
Please return the crown, sash, and all related paraphernalia…
The black type printed on crisp ivory linen paper stands out in my mind like a brand. I stood alone in the sterile, science room reading the thing I feared most.
Looking up, the sky is growing dark now. It will probably rain tonight, since this is the rainiest month of the year. It’s kind of perfect timing for rain.
Dark winds lift and bend the branches of the trees, and there is no sunshine. I want to ask Gavin for the word that means the opposite of komorebi. This is it.
The house is quiet and empty when I arrive. The guys have a game, and Gigi has a date. Spanky is in his crate, so I walk across the hall to let him out. Gigi will have already walked him, but I’ll let him out back to go before the rain starts.
Part of me aches for Patsy, but every time that longing appears, I force myself to think of her loving owner, so happy to have her puppy back. Then I remind myself I’ll have a baby soon.
It sort-of helps.
Returning to my bedroom, I pull the old box out from under my bed. The pictures and sashes are all there like before. I lift the new one out and place it on my bed.
With a deep breath, I steady my insides. My throat knots, but I’m trying not to cry. I knew this could happen. I made this choice.
Taking the box off the bed again, a picture falls to the floor. It’s the official photo of me being crowned last year. In it, my eyes are damp, and I’m looking up with a huge smile on my face as the previous year’s winner passes the title to me.
I remember how much that moment meant to me, and I hiccup a breath. I’m still reeling from the shock of discovering it’s over.
Everything I’ve worked for, years and years of camps and productions and laughter and joy and sisterhood, all stripped away and given to another person like I never even existed.
All gone, because of a biological reality. I’m a woman.
Men don’t get stripped of their titles for impregnating women. They get lauded and fist-bumped and treated like they accomplished some great feat.
They came.
The rest is up to us.
Scrubbing my fingers across my forehead, I push against these bitter thoughts. In my case, it’s not what happened.
Gavin has been so supportive, so devoted. He’s going to be furious when he finds out about this.
The ache in my chest is winning when my phone starts to vibrate with an incoming call. Swallowing back the pain, I lift the device, and I almost can’t believe the name on the screen.
“Karen?” My voice is wobbly.
“Haddy?” My old roommate sounds breathless, like she’s walking fast. “Oh, Haddy, I had to call as soon as I heard the news. I’m so sorry!
I know how much this meant to you, and I just want you to know it’s wrong and it’s sexist and you deserve that crown, and they shouldn’t be able to take it away from you just because you’re an unwed mother. ”
My forehead crinkles, and I look at the phone. “Technically, I’m pregnant… How did you know?”
“Everybody knows.” Her voice lowers. “I had to call you right away, because if anyone understands the shame it’s me. It’s cruel and—”
“I’m not ashamed. I’m more… angry?” I haven’t decided.
Too much is happening too fast, and I’m still trying to make sense of it all.
“You should be angry. As soon as I heard, I said you have my support. But what good is it if I don’t tell you? Nobody was there when it happened to me, and it was the loneliest feeling in the world.”
She’s said it twice now, and it feels like she wants me to ask about it.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know this happened to you.” I try to remember what she’d even won. “It must’ve been before we lived together.”
“You didn’t know?” Her voice goes high. “How is that possible?”
“Was it a state competition?”
“Of course it was, but it went out in the Princess Woman Gazette. It’s so cruel to tell everyone that way.”
“I guess I was so busy with college and my studies.” I also never read the articles in the glossy magazine they sent us every quarter. I only looked at the pictures. “What happened?”
“They found out about Thad and me.” Her voice goes lower. “They said not only was it against the rules, it also cast doubt on the legitimacy of my winning. Can you believe it? As if I didn’t earn my title.”
“Who was Thad? I don’t know…”
“One of the national judges. You must remember Thaddeus Lyon-Bowes?”
Scrubbing my fingers against my forehead, I try to remember all the judges we encountered through the years. “I guess I should remember him, but I don’t.”
“He was my first, my only…” She exhales a heavy sigh. “I tried to say I was with Lane Knight to throw them off the trail. Remember him? The hockey guy?”
“He goes by Gavin now.” My tone is crisp. “You told me he cheated on you. You brought receipts.”
“Oh.” Her voice lowers again. “It was all to throw those pageant bloodhounds off the trail. If I had a hot hockey boyfriend, what in the world would I want with Thaddeus Lyon-Bowes?”
She exhales a light laugh, but the truth hits me like a medicine ball straight in the stomach.
It’s what Gavin said, over and over, and I drop to my bed as the ache in my chest twists harder. He only ever wanted me to believe him.
Squeezing my eyes tighter, I’m not sure which question to ask first. “Are you saying Gavin didn’t cheat on you? Or are you saying you didn’t care if he did?”
“What difference does it make, darling?”
“It makes a big difference to me, Karen. I stood by you through all of that. I believed you when you said he’d broken your heart.”
“I know you did.” She has the nerve to adopt an affectionate tone. “That’s why I’m calling you now, because you were my friend when those pageant jerks turned on me.”
“But… you lied to me. You were never in love with Gav, and he didn’t cheat on you. You cheated on him.”
“Lane and I were never serious.” Her voice turns huffy as she tries to rewrite history. “I was always in love with Thad. It was the same emotion, just a different person.”
“It’s not the same at all! I told you about Rob, and you pretended to understand. Did Thad cheat on you?”
“Lord, no!” Karen cries through another laugh. “I might’ve played the field a little, but Thad would never cheat on me.”
“Neither would Gavin.”
“I don’t know why you’re taking it so personally.”
“I take lying very personally.” My voice is flat. “You’re a bad friend, and sleeping with judges is against the rules. But what’s worse is I believed you, and you took advantage of my trust. You used our friendship to hurt Gavin, and you used my pain to make me mistrust him.”
“I don’t know what you mean!” She tries to act so astonished.
“Don’t call me anymore. We’re not friends, and I never want to speak to you again.”
She continues sputtering, but I disconnect the call without another word.
My head hurts. My chest hurts and my stomach hurts. It’s like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and everything is falling through the air.
Nothing I believed is true.
No, that’s not right. One thing is true. It’s been true since the beginning, since the day I fell off the float… and tripped over the sidewalk… and fell into the bush…
Gavin is true, and I’ve got to find him.
I need to tell him right now.