Chapter 23 Patton
twenty-three
patton
Seven Schlongs Hen Party
Troy Winters
Not to start rumors, but @Patton Pierce, bro, what happened at Haircuts and Heartthrobs yesterday? Sarina said she came out of her suite and saw you strangling a dude.
Dean Meyer
Ooh, kinky. Can I ask what his safeword was?
Hudson Case
@Patton Pierce, are you alright? I’m sure the asshole deserved it, but what the hell happened!?
Dean Meyer
Love how you’re asking if Patton is alright when he was the one doing the strangling. Seriously, Patton could commit homicide and you’d call it philanthropy.
Patton Pierce
I’d hardly call it strangling. Just needed him to keep his hands off what’s mine.
Garrett Meyer
Keep his hands off what’s yours? Wait, does this have something to do with Nisha?
Dean Meyer
That’s the only reason I can think of that would make Patton go all aggro. Deets, Hollywood! Did some asshole try to motorboat your woman?
Darian Meyer
Dean, not every fight is about boobs.
Dean Meyer
That’s true. Some are about honor and food . . . but mostly about boobs.
Patton Pierce
He’s a colleague from her dojang. Apparently, they “dated,” which should be reason enough to strangle him. The fact that I had any restraint . . .
Anyway, he was asking why she couldn’t teach taekwondo anymore, then assumed she was sick. Next thing I know, he had his hands all over her.
I kept it together until he said something about sleeping with her. That’s when I lost it. Anyway, it’s resolved. My team slapped him with an NDA and paid him off to keep his mouth shut.
Darian Meyer
Why can’t Nisha teach taekwondo anymore?
Troy Winters
Interesting. Sarina never told me Nisha is taking time off from the dojang.
Patton Pierce
Just for a few months. It’s no big deal.
Dev Menon
No big deal? She almost didn’t come to my and Piper’s wedding because it happened to coincide with some big event at the dojang. There’s no way she would take time off. Unless . . .
Dean Meyer
Unless what? What the fuck? Don’t leave us hanging, Dev!
Troy Winters
Holy shit. But Sarina would have told me if . . .
Garrett Meyer
If what?
Patton Pierce
If nothing. Can we forget I said anything?
Hudson Case
You want us to forget that you accidentally spilled the beans on Nisha being pregnant? The Dumb and Dumber twins on this chat can’t figure it out, but it’s pretty obvious that’s what it is.
Dean Meyer
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Garrett Meyer
WHAT? Dude! @Patton Pierce, is Hudson correct? Is Nisha pregnant??
Patton Pierce
Sorry, guys, I’m running late for something. Talk later.
[Patton Pierce has left the chat]
[Dean Meyer has added Patton Pierce to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Oh, hell no. You’re one of the schlongs, bro. And we never leave another schlong hanging.
Hudson Case
There’s a visual I wasn’t planning to have this early in the morning.
Dean Meyer
What can I say? I’m a giver. @Patton Pierce, get your ass back in this conversation. You can’t ghost us like some basic bitch on Tinder.
Patton Pierce
Fuck. Fine. Yes, she’s pregnant. But it’s still really early, so you guys can’t say anything. I’m a dead man if she finds out I said anything.
Dean Meyer
I’ve seen her spar. One of her precision kicks and you’d be done. So, yeah, I actually believe you.
Troy Winters
Shit. Sorry, bro. I already sent off a text to Sarina.
Dev Menon
Fuck, same. I messaged Piper to ask.
Patton Pierce
Tell me you guys are kidding.
Dev Menon
I wish I was. But honestly, Piper would smell it a mile away if I was keeping a secret like this.
Dean Meyer
At least it wasn’t me for once with the extreme premature ejaculation of the mouth.
Darian Meyer
There are so many other ways you could have phrased that, but of course that’s what you went with.
Dean Meyer
You’re right, little brother. Let me rephrase: at least I didn’t BLOW MY LOAD of information this time.
Hudson Case
[Gif of Harvey Specter pinching the bridge of his nose] This is why I drink.
Dean Meyer
You’ve been drinking since Prohibition. Calm down.
Troy Winters
There’s no way our girls didn’t know, @Dev Menon. That means they’ve been keeping it from us.
Dev Menon
Yeah? And what are we going to do about it?
Dean Meyer
Nothing. Unless you two are willing to have your dicks go into hibernation for the foreseeable future. Because that’s exactly what will happen if you accuse them of keeping secrets.
Troy Winters
And given I’m getting married to my girl in a matter of weeks, fuck no, I’m not willing to do that.
Darian Meyer
Sorry @Patton Pierce. I’m going to have to tell Rani, too. I’ve never been able to keep anything from her.
Dean Meyer
Christ, Dar. Grow a spine, brother. It’s embarrassing.
Garrett Meyer
Says the guy who asked his wife which brand of underwear she usually buys him.
Dean Meyer
Yeah, well, some of us need reinforced stitching and extra room. Don’t be bitter because we’re twins, yet you got ripped off.
Garrett Meyer
Ripped off? The only thing you got more of is hot air and ass hair.
Dean Meyer
Listen, Mala has never once complained about having something to hold on to. Plus, I’m hung like a Shire horse, while you’re hung like a Shetland pony.
Garrett Meyer
A Shire horse? Bro, the only horse you’re hung like is a My Little Pony.
Darian Meyer
Christ. Can I eat one meal without hearing about your dicks?
Dean Meyer
Relax, bro. We’re not leaving you out. You can be the miniature donkey—short, stubborn, and the kind no one wants to ride.
[Darian Meyer has left the chat]
[Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Jesus. So sensitive.
Hudson Case
Can we table the Meyer brothers’ dick-measuring contest and get back to the bomb Patton dropped on us? @Patton Pierce, I’m assuming the baby is yours and not dojang douche’s?
Troy Winters
What’s the dude’s name? I remember Sarina telling me a while ago. Mikey? Miguel? Michelangelo?
Patton Pierce
Michael. And, fuck yeah, it’s mine. But she’s only five weeks along, so we’re being tight-lipped. Or, we WERE before I screwed up.
Troy Winters
Hmm. Michael seems too pedestrian. Could have sworn it was one of those “I peaked in high school” kind of names, like Mick or Mac.
Dev Menon
Congrats, Patton! That’s amazing news.
Dean Meyer
Wait, five weeks?! Wasn’t Troy and Sarina’s combined parties five weeks ago? You saying our plan for you to win her back actually worked??
Patton Pierce
Something like that. We’re . . . still figuring it out.
Garrett Meyer
You guys hooked up and are having a baby together. Clearly, there are still feelings there. What’s there to figure out?
Patton Pierce
Honestly, I’m just trying not to fuck things up again. I want to show her I’ve changed and that she and the baby come first. Don’t want her to write me off before I’ve even had a real chance.
Dev Menon
She won’t. It’s obvious to everyone that she still has feelings for you.
Patton Pierce
Feelings were never our problem. But getting Nisha’s trust back for real? That’s like trying to move a brick wall by asking nicely.
Garrett Meyer
Not to pry, but if feelings were never the problem, what was?
Patton Pierce
In a nutshell? Me. I chased my career hard, always on the road.
Nisha put up with it . . . until the night she miscarried for the second time.
I wasn’t there. She went through all of it on her own.
After that, she realized she didn’t want to keep living that way anymore. So, she left and never looked back.
We’ve been down this road before, and I’m terrified I’m going to screw it up again.
Darian Meyer
Shit, man. I’m sorry to hear about that.
Hudson Case
You won’t screw it up. This time will be different because you’ll be there every step of the way.
Dev Menon
Speaking of, I know you’re still filming the baseball movie, but with this news, does this mean you’re staying for good?
Patton Pierce
Fuck, yeah. If she’ll have me.
Troy Winters
She will. But I feel you, man. Sarina made me work for every inch of progress. If stubbornness were an Olympic sport, the Arora sisters would win medals.
Dean Meyer
And when you say “every inch,” how many are you referring to? Seven? Eight?
Hudson Case
Of course we couldn’t go a day without Dean inquiring about Troy’s dick.
Troy Winters
Wait, he inquires about my dick daily?
Dev Menon
And twice on Sundays.
Troy Winters
The fuck?
[Troy Winters has left the chat]
[Dean Meyers has added Troy Winters to the chat]
Dean Meyer
Dude! Of course it’s not DAILY! Jesus, what do you take me for? A fucking creeper?
Hudson Case
Yes.
Darian Menon
Yes.
Patton Pierce
Fuck. Nisha just texted me with a very detailed account of how she plans to rip my spleen from my body. [Gif of Chris Pratt running a hand down his face]
Troy Winters
Shit. Sarina must have messaged her as soon as I texted.
Dev Menon
I swear, these women have a faster network than the fucking CIA.
Dean Meyer
@Patton Pierce, I wouldn’t blame you if you hid in your house like a scared little bitch. I have half a mind to do the same every time I see your ex-wife. She’s fucking intimidating, bro.
Garrett Meyer
She lives right in front of you. There’s no way you can just hide out in your house.
Patton Pierce
You’re right. How do you think Ecuador is this time of year? I could move there and change my name.
Dev Menon
You could move to Neptune, and Nisha would track you down with nothing but her hair clipper and sheer rage.
Dean Meyer
Facts. She once side-eyed me from across the room during a party, and I swear, my balls retracted into my body. In fact, my body started treating them like kidneys, processing my urine and shit. Well, not my actual shit because my colon still did that but, you get the idea.
Hudson Case
For fuck’s sake, Dean. Have you ever considered just stopping at the funny part?
Dean Meyer
No, because stopping is for quitters and geriatrics like you.
Hudson Case
At least my balls still function as balls.
Dean Meyer
They haven’t been tested since the Reagan administration, so who the fuck knows?
Patton Pierce
As riveting as this is, I should really go and grovel to my wife.
Garrett Meyer
You mean your pregnant, homicidal EX-wife?
Patton Pierce
Pregnant, homicidal, and hot-as-fuck, yup. I just hope she doesn’t actually mean what she said about my spleen. Wish me luck, brothers.
Troy Winters
We’re pooling our money to send flowers to your funeral.
Patton Pierce
Thanks for the vote of confidence, assholes.
Troy Winters
Anytime.