Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Wylde
“Why haven’t you thrown away the Bull and Barrel Bash flyer yet?”
Thor’s question came out of the blue while I was in the middle of making out a supply list for the garden Payne had sketched out the night before.
Tomorrow, we would say goodbye to the cabin and move him into our new home with us, and I was excited for that and the pots I intended to pick up once I’d worked out how many we needed.
I’d spent over an hour at the greenhouse, talking to the people who tended to the plants, taking notes on pot sizes, soil-to-fertilizer ratios, and gardening tools, including gloves, since Payne worked with his hands in almost everything he did, so they’d need to be protected.
Now Thor wanted to talk about that damned flyer again, which hadn’t been on my to-do list for the day.
“Because I haven’t decided if I’m going to enter or not yet,” I replied, which was the truth, even if it was way more complicated than that.
“You cannot be serious right now!” he declared.
“Well, I am.”
“No way you have clearance to do that. No fucking way. Your breathing isn’t right.
I noticed during the marshmallow game, and don’t you dare tell me you weren’t struggling because even after Payne showed you the proper technique to use, you were still panting after every round.
If you can’t breathe right, you can’t ride right.
I know you know that. I know you remember the lessons Gramps taught.
So how can you honestly be thinking about getting up on the back of another bull? ”
“Technically, it would be three bulls, and it’s one day, Thorin, one. My last day, if I do it, and a part of me really wants to do it because going out on my back wasn’t the way I’d planned to end my rodeo career.”
“You don’t think I know that? Don’t you think that I feel the same way?”
He asked, like I didn’t know, because I did, and that was one of the many, many questions I’d been wrestling with since picking up that flyer. “And if you were the one with the flyer, I’d let you make up your mind about it, and I’d support whatever choice you made.”
“Which would make you a fool and an asshole for not stopping me from doing something so unbelievably reckless and potentially life-altering!”
“Shhhh. Payne’s in the kitchen. He doesn’t need to hear us arguing about this.”
“And why not, when he agrees with me? You heard him after our conversation about bull riding.”
“Yeah, I did,” he said. “He’d never want to watch me wreck. So, I wasn’t planning on inviting him, or you, if I decided to do it. I’d never ask that of either of you.”
“Oh, so you’d just rather I pace around here trying not to lose my shit the whole time you’re gone.”
“I could always text you in between rounds to tell you how it was going,” I replied.
His pacing, which he only did when he was truly frustrated about something, kept casting shadows over the notes I was attempting to concentrate on.
“Is that what you think I want, some texts that may or may not come at regular intervals but are certain to send my blood pressure through the roof?”
“Not if you spend the day doing something fun with Payne,” I explained. “He’s new to the area; you could take him out on an adventure somewhere. He’s probably got things he needs to pick up since everything he owns fits in that Kia of his.”
“Okay, fair, but he’s perceptive, Wylde; he’ll know something is going on because I’ll be distracted and constantly checking my phone all day.”
“Then keep it in your pocket until it chimes and put your focus where it belongs, on our boy.”
“I won’t lie if he asks.”
“I wouldn’t want you to,” I said. “And to stress my initial point, I haven’t decided if I am going to do it yet or not.”
“But you want to.”
Sighing, I finally put the pencil down and focused on him, hoping that we could end the conversation before Payne came outside and caught wind of the fact that we were arguing.
“Yes, I want to. But I am also out of practice and haven’t engaged in anything more strenuous than helping you assemble a few swings and repair a supply cabinet door.
So, I’m taking that into consideration too, and weighing the odds of having a successful day in the arena.
I know all the things that can go wrong.
I’ve lived it. I don’t need you to remind me because I was conscious for every second of my wreck.
I remember what that pain felt like, and I’m still low-key terrified of it.
Which is part of the reason I’m thinking about getting up on a bull.
To get that fear out of my head. And so I can end my career the way I’d always planned to.
Waving at the crowd, instead of struggling to give a thumbs up, because just that little bit of effort took everything out of me as they carried me off. ”
“And that’s more important to you than me and Payne?”
“No.”
“Then tear the goddamn form up or let me do it. I’ll be happy to tear it up or burn the goddamn thing so you can’t fish it out of the trash and decide to send it in at the last minute.”
“If I decide to throw it away, I’ll do it myself. Thanks though, for not just going ahead and doing it.”
“The only reason I haven’t is because that would be crossing a line,” he replied.
“I won’t make your decisions for you unless you ask me to, but I will beg you to make the right one.
The safe one. Because I love you, and I am excited to see the garden take shape.
But I’m scared too. I’m terrified that it won’t happen because you won’t be here to help us create it.
So, I am pleading with you here and now not to put me through a day of sheer and utter terror waiting to see if you’re going to come home to me in one piece. ”
“Thor—”
“Just throw it away, Wylde.”
“When I’m sure,” I told him as I made the final note on the supply list and stood, walking past him into the cabin so I could talk to Payne about what colors he wanted the pots to be.
Payne was in the kitchen, singing along to the radio as he made sliders for lunch, the spicy-sweet scent of barbeque sauce making my mouth water as I slid behind him, draped my arms over his shoulders, and swayed to the beat.
“We are not done talking about this!” Thor said as he stomped inside.
“Yes, we are, because there’s nothing else to say until I make up my mind,” I hissed, hoping he’d finally just leave it be, for fuck’s sake, especially when I could feel Payne growing tense as we danced.
“You shouldn’t have to make up your mind,” Thor snapped. “You should already know that it’s the absolute wrong thing to do, so wrong that you shouldn’t even be thinking about doing it.”
“At the very least, can we agree to disagree until we’re alone?” I said. “Then you can go back to making a fuss if you want, but it isn’t going to change the fact that I haven’t made my mind up yet.”
“You don’t need to hide what you’re arguing about from me,” Payne insisted, wiggling until he could turn around in my arms. “We’re about to move in together, so if there is a problem, shouldn’t I be included in whatever it is that’s going on?
And don’t try to tell me it’s nothing, not when you’ve been shooting looks at him all week. ”
That last part was directed at Thor, who at least had the good graces to look slightly ashamed.
“Go ahead, Wylde, tell him why I’m so pissed off right now.”
“You know what, Thor, tell him yourself if you want him to know so badly,” I said. “I’m going to go pick up the supplies for the garden. Payne, if there are colors you’d prefer, could you please text them to me and I’ll see how many I can find?”
I walked out without a backward glance and took the UTV to the parking lot where my truck was waiting. In the mood I was in, I’d have preferred to take the Harley, but that would leave me no way to haul home dirt and pots, so the truck would just have to do.
The whole way there I was a bundle of tension and also pissed off.
Why Thor couldn’t just give me the time to make up my mind was the biggest source of my aggravation.
I hadn’t even said that I was going to do it.
At the very least, he could have waited for that declaration to lose his shit and make a scene in front of Payne, especially when there was just as big of a chance that I’d just throw the damned form away and say to hell with one more ride.
A ride I wasn’t sure I was capable of making.
A ride I didn’t want to be scared about trying to make.
That was the truly fucked up part, the part I might have been able to explain to Thor if he’d have just stopped talking at me and let me work through why I’d felt the need to pick the flyer up in the first place and fill it out when all I’d felt was more dread than exhilaration at the thought of getting back up on one of those double-horned wrecking machines.
I didn’t want to be afraid. That was the crux of my whole dilemma.
I was scared, and I didn’t want to stand there feeling the way Thor felt about a part of our lives that had been as wonderful as it had been soul-crushing.
I wanted to remember the good times when we reminisced.
I didn’t want the only conversations we had about it to be the failures, the wrecks, and the end of our careers.
Clearly, I couldn’t make him see that part, so until I figured out how, I wandered aisles and racks, dragging a pallet behind me, grabbing pots and soil and starter plants and all the other stuff, like trowels and gloves and scoops.
I found Payne a fifteen-piece gardening set with an apron and padded cushion for kneeling, a bucket, and a pouch to carry his tools in.
It was teal and gray and sparkly, which immediately made me smile and think of him.
It even came with a bottle for misting the plants, pruners, and gloves; everything he’d need to care for the garden he’d been so eager to plan out.