Chapter 27 #3
“Before Wade’s…,” I say. “Cool. So that means I was the last one to know about literally everything.”
There’s a silence before Izaac responds. “B, you’ve had a lot on your plate too. And honestly, you haven’t exactly been welcoming of conversation about anything that had to do with the future.”
I shake my head and focus on what’s happening outside the window.
And fine, there’s some truth to that, but it’s because I wanted us to be in the moment, together.
“So instead, you guys insisted we take this trip to chase this girl, which was, like, destined to be a disaster,” I say.
“As what? A way to force me to move on from all my silly little dreams?”
“Bennie, look at me,” Cash says quietly. But I can’t. “No one is denying that what happened with Eve was a huge bummer.”
“Understatement of the century,” I mumble.
“But, B, you have to try new things sometimes,” Izaac says. “Even if there’s a risk they won’t pan out like you script them. It can’t all be repeating the past, or inventing alternate realities. We don’t want you to move on from your dreams; we want you to actually chase them. For real.”
“But I don’t understand why everything has to be different all at once, and right now. And why is it everyone else’s choice that matters but mine? Even my mom is pushing me to spend Christmas visiting my sister upstate without asking how I feel about it.”
“Bennie, we didn’t know,” Cash says after a pause.
“No, because I didn’t want to tell you! Because I just wanted our last high school holiday at home to be uncomplicated and happy and memorable—and traditional!
But, ya know, I’m glad you’re all thrilled about the big changes, and your big, exciting futures.
I don’t have my own to think about, because while you guys were busy planning yours, I’ve been wasting my time trying to make the present special.
” I pause to breathe and shake my head, fighting those tears again, then continue.
“I guess I just didn’t want to lose my best friends. I didn’t realize I already have.”
After that, no one says another word.
We sit in silence for the rest of the ride back, with not even a Christmas song or the radio to break up the misery. As we exit the Merritt Parkway and head for Ripton, my thoughts shift from what just happened to what is about to happen.
I haven’t read any of Naomi’s recent texts. There are more since last night, but I couldn’t handle unpacking that compartment. And now I’m going to have to.
On top of it, I have to get my head in the game for work, and the biggest day of the year. All this plus applications, the future with a capital F .
I’m heading home to a complete disaster, just in time for Christmas. And now I’m almost angrier at everyone because they’re delivering me to this situation.
I look down at my camera, still in my lap somehow.
It’s the only thing I have now that makes me feel like the same person I was twenty-four hours ago.
Although, maybe I’m not the same person anymore.
I haven’t been able to hold on to my optimism, my positivity, my Christmas spirit.
Honestly, I’m not sure I believe in much of anything right now.
When we pull into my condo complex (Izaac is dropping me first, probably to get rid of me as fast as possible), it feels so weird, like I’m arriving here for the first time.
It’s hard to make myself believe that forty-eight hours ago, Eve, Carlos, Tía, and Hugo didn’t even exist in my wildest daydreams. But it’s obvious from the miserable silence that the events of the morning have been very real.
“See you at the farm, B,” Cash says softly, once Izaac puts the car in park in front of my house.
“Thanks.” I don’t know what else to say. I can’t think clearly. I can’t decide between arguing more or begging for forgiveness.
All I want to do is face-plant on my bed and cry. Suddenly, I am desperate to get out of the car, but I get caught in the seat belt as I’m trying to eject myself from the passenger side.
The belt finally comes loose and I stand, but the camera falls out of my lap and into the street.
I let out a neighborhood-awakening “No!” as it bounces farther away from me, because at the same moment, a snowplow is rounding the corner.
And then I’m watching my mother’s beloved camera as it is pulverized and kicked five feet in the opposite direction by the giant tires of the truck.
When I turn around to see my friends watching the scene in horror, I can’t stop the explosion of tears. How can this day get any worse?
Diya jumps out of the car and runs directly to the wreckage. “Here, lemme help,” she says.
“Forget it,” I snap. “It’s destroyed. Just forget it.”
Diya ignores this and attempts to collect all the pieces, but I can’t even participate. There’s no point. My future is shattered, and my gift to my friends and my mother’s oldest possession have gone right along with it.
I leave Diya in the street and dash straight for our front door, tears streaming down my face.