Chapter 29
The magic of the Cooper Christmas Eve party is in the details.
It’s in the wreaths, handmade by the staff from stray bits of our trees.
It’s in every one of the stockings hung around the barn, each with an employee’s name in green-and-red sequins.
It’s in the menorah old man Cooper made himself with maple wood in his workshop.
And then there’s the food. The roasted chestnuts, the sage-stuffed goose, the plum pudding.
It’s all so decadent and festive, it gives the entire barn the vibe of a Dickens novel. Hugo would love it.
By the time I walk in, I’m feeling somewhat normal again.
The Bazaar was a huge success, despite the storm.
When we all arrived, the farm was abuzz even more than usual.
Seichi’s dad had already plowed the trails, and some of the younger employees were blow-drying Betty—the most ancient but beloved tractor on the farm—since she doesn’t have a defroster.
Some of the vendors even brought snowblowers from home to help out in the smaller spaces, plus portable space heaters for their booths.
The biggest surprise, though, was that the turnout was even bigger than expected.
It’s like the community was even more motivated to come out to support the farm after the storm.
We sold out of pecan pie squares in the second hour, Diya’s tree raffle raised not only enough to update old Betty, but to buy a new tractor too, which will be huge for the farm, and the costumes Cash put together for us were immortalized in the end-of-the-day company photo, with extra ambiance from the mountains of snow.
Overall, it was a perfect way to mark my last Christmas as a Cooper employee.
Or it would have been, if my friends and I weren’t kind of avoiding each other all day.
But it was also a very good distraction.
I can’t say I haven’t still spiraled at some points about Eve, replaying that kiss and wishing desperately things had gone differently with her and my friends.
It’s like Naomi said, I have to feel the feels—about Eve, about the future and my applications, about my family situation.
But for the most part we were so busy, I’d get interrupted before I could really go down the rabbit hole.
And now, just for tonight, I want to let my heart be light and make up with the three most important people in my life.
After a short break to get ourselves cleaned up I arrive and spot Izaac, Cash’s plus-one, first. No surprise, he’s looking iconic in a velvet suit that is as black as the winter night sky.
I lift my chin and reach down deep for strength but also love.
Just remember, friendship isn’t erased in a single argument .
It’s hard to believe that I haven’t done some kind of permanent damage, but I’m trying to trust my mother. I have to. I won’t be able to face my friends otherwise.
A nervous whoosh sweeps through me as I catch his eye. What if he turns away? What if he doesn’t want to see me at all?
But through the crowd, he tilts his glass of sparkling cider in my direction and nods, which I take as permission to approach. As soon as I am close enough to get a whiff, I’m washed in the comforting smell of cloves and baby powder, as familiar and reliable as my own mother’s shampoo.
“You are a dream as always,” I tell him.
“I am aware,” he says stiffly. “But thank you.”
Then Cash strolls up beside him, wearing a silver velvet suit of his own and looking like a long, shimmery string of tinsel.
“Hey, B,” he says, a little more muted than usual.
“Prince Christmas,” I say, then correct myself. “Or should I say, Prince Polar Quasar?”
I give a small bow and glance down for a moment, mustering the nerve to look them both in the eye again—but as I do, my gaze lands on Cash’s feet.
“Um, excuse me, Your Highness, but are those…”
“Audra told me I could Venmo Billy and keep the boots. It’s important to be practical,” he says. “Besides, gotta set the trends, not just chase them.”
I’m not sure if I should be but I’m laughing now, because he’s already bedazzled them with rhinestones and glitter paint. Before I can tell him that he is always a trailblazer even without hiking boots, though, Izaac nods behind me.
“Somebody had better put out a statewide alert, because this one is giving hot girl winter ,” he says, jaw a little dropped.
I turn to see Diya standing next to her mother in a blazer the color of a sugar plum, with purple sleeves that Cash embroidered with gold.
She hasn’t seen us yet but Izaac is right, she has a swagger I’ve never seen before, and I’m loving it for her.
Neither of us are exactly evening gown kind of girls, so I’m dressed similarly in tuxedo pants and a blazer, going for Phoebe Bridgers in her boygenius best, but I don’t feel nearly as confident.
Diya finally spots us, then takes her mother’s arm and leads her over to us.
“You kids look marvelous,” Reena says.
“So do you!” Cash says, stroking her sleeve. “This sari is magnif . I’d die to learn how to make something like this someday.”
“You come visit anytime and you can have free rein in my closet,” she says. “All right, I think I’ll go say hello to some of the other old people. Enjoy, sapling,”
She kisses Diya on the forehead and heads in the direction of the drink station, where she greets Naomi. My mother is wearing a wine-colored, drop-waisted dress with the rhinestone-studded silver cowboy boots I gave her, and looks so beautiful it hurts.
“I can only hope we’re all as fabulous as those two someday,” Cash says.
There’s silence between us for a moment.
This is my chance, before things get awkward, before the party really gets underway.
I hit refresh on Naomi’s words one more time in my head, and rub the smooth blue stone I stashed in my pocket before I left to clear my throat chakra (for the sake of a clear apology). Then I turn to my friends.
“So,” I start, “before things get wild up in here, I would like to apologize to you guys, if you’ll let me.”
Izaac nods, and neither Cash nor Diya object, so I go ahead with a speech I mentally rehearsed a hundred times in the last few hours.
“Okay,” I say. “I was not super cool this morning.”
“Facts,” Izaac says. I wince a little.
“Right, I know. And I have spent the whole day thinking about it. I’m not saying…
I don’t have an excuse or anything, but I just—I think it all hit me at once, you know?
I was so embarrassed about what happened with Eve.
And I was afraid I’d let you guys down or you’d think less of me, so it was easier to get mad at you first. I guess I’ve been so scared of so much lately. ”
“What are you afraid of?” Cash asks.
“Everything?” I say. “I’m afraid my sister might come back home, or that she might never come back.
I’m afraid that my mom will never have any peace and is going to work herself to death.
I’m afraid of how I’ve been feeling lately, that I’m changing, and turning into this angry person.
I’m scared of how distracting all that anger has been, especially with my applications and stuff, and that I’ll never finish them or figure out my future.
I’m afraid that my optimism, or my own belief in magic, which I thought was my purpose, might just be another thing I’m losing.
” I pause, but I keep my eyes on the floor of the barn because I’m not ready to see anyone’s reactions until I’m finished.
“It’s so much change, and you were all right—I’m scared because there’s so much I can’t predict based on a formula or direct myself.
“But most of all, I’m afraid of losing you guys. You’re my family, you know? You’re the loves of my life,” I say, looking at Diya now, and there’s recognition in her eyes. “And it just feels like with everything that is going to change, how will we be able to stay friends when it does?”
There’s a beat and I chew my lip.
“I think we all worry about that, B,” Izaac says. “But we’re going to figure it out, together.”
“ Because we’re a family,” Cash says.
“Adaptation is nature’s strongest feature,” Diya adds wisely.
“Anyway, I’m sorry too,” Izaac says. “I knew you were struggling and maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard for the whole Brooklyn thing. I think I was kind of doing the same as you, just trying to fix things when I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared too, you know?”
It’s strange to think about Izaac having fears. I take it in.
“Also, Cash, Diya, I’m sorry I wasn’t better about being there for you with your news,” I say. “I shouldn’t have made it about me. I think it was easier to be angry about being left out of the conversation, than heartbroken about how I’m going to miss you both.”
Cash doesn’t say anything but pulls me in for a hug that says it all. My blood pressure evens out.
“And hey,” he says eventually, pulling back to look at me. “I’m sorry about how things went down with Eve. I know that sucked big snowballs.”
“The biggest,” Izaac says, nodding.
I take a deep breath. “Yeah, it did.”
“But I’m sure it wasn’t about you,” Diya says. “You never know what someone’s going through.”
“I guess we’re all learning that, huh?” I say.
“Yep. And you do more for the people you love than a lot of folks, Bosley,” Izaac says, squeezing Cash’s hand. “You deserve all the love.”
“And grand gestures,” Diya says.
“And magic.” Cash winks.
Even though my heart still hurts, I know it’s grown three sizes.
“Speaking of magic, do you believe in resurrection?” Diya asks.
I wait for another nature proverb, but instead she reaches into a canvas bag she’s been carrying on her shoulder, and hands me a box that looks like it’s been hit with a glitter bomb—suspiciously the same pine-green-and-candy-apple-red glitter as is on Cash’s new boots.
“This isn’t like Cash’s little friend from the subway, boxed up and meant to be a metaphor about coming back to life or something, is it?” I ask.
“Open it!” Cash shouts, and Diya rolls her eyes.