Chapter 30 #2
“I gotta say,” she says after an agonizingly long pause.
“I think it’s because you succeeded. You had me convinced with the whole magic thing.
I trusted you. And when I realized that it wasn’t Fate, or magic, or divine intervention, or the moon that brought us back together, I guess I felt let down. And betrayed, in a way.”
I wait again, holding my impulse response as she inhales. It’s clear she has more to say.
“And then something occurred to me after you left.”
“What’s that?”
“I was thinking, about humans making their own magic. And I realized that is exactly what you did. It wasn’t Fate, or destiny, or anything like that. It was you. You made it happen. And even though I wish you’d been more honest… none of that made it less real.”
“Eve,” I say, once I’m sure she’s done with her thought.
“I should have been honest. But… I just wanted you to experience something that would make you believe again. Because you deserve to feel joy and wonder and hope and happiness, and everything you want. It was… with good intentions. That part is very true.”
“I know that. And I appreciate it, more than you know,” she says. “That kind of leads me to something else.”
I meet her eyes finally and try to suppress a shiver. I can’t tell if I’m just cold, or if it’s the way Eve is looking at me.
“You asked me a question last night that I never answered.”
I search my mind. I asked Eve a lot of questions. I don’t know which of them she means.
“You asked me what I want. For Christmas.”
“Ah, right!” I say. “I did.”
“I never got a chance to answer,” she says. “And, well, I want to answer now. If you’re still interested.”
I’m silent, but she looks like she’s actually waiting for a response.
“I am. Very.”
“I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then, because I didn’t have an answer right away, and that surprised me a little.
Like, why was that such a hard question?
There are lots of things I want. I want Hugo to go to a good school and have real friends who love and accept him.
I want Carlos to meet someone who makes him happy—although I might be able to cross that one off the list,” she says, and I laugh before she continues.
“I want Tía to have a break from everything. I want to help other people who have lost their parents, like we did, and queer kids, especially.”
I’m reminded that the way Eve cares for the people in her life makes me want things for her, too. And what’s at the top of my own list again now.
“I realized, those things would make me happy, but they aren’t really for me , you know? In the way that I think you were asking.” She shrugs. “Maybe I’ve been afraid to want something for myself.”
“I get that.”
I want so much for my mom, my sister, my friends… sometimes it’s hard to know what I want for myself, or what I would want if my wishes could be based purely on my own heart’s desire.
“I think that’s another part of why I freaked out this morning, you know?”
It’s a surprise that Eve describes what happened this way. She seemed so sure this morning, so in control of her emotions when she told me we couldn’t do this—whatever this is.
“So… then, it was because you worried you weren’t going to get what you wanted?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “Because I did get it. I got exactly what I wanted. For like, one whole minute. And then I freaked out because I was sure I would never get to keep it. And that losing it would break my heart again. I didn’t know if I could handle that.
So I grasped on to what you said as a sign that it wasn’t actually real. ”
She sighs and looks out toward the field behind the gazebo, at the frozen lake in the distance. I see her breath, and also what might be tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
“And now?” I ask. I’m scared too, scared to even ask this question.
“Well, now, I’ve been trying to think about the alternative scenario. Like, what if I could get what I want and actually keep it? Or maybe if I do lose it, what if I’m still happy I had it at all? Like life might actually be better if I take the risk.”
She takes a deep breath and looks down at her hands in their fingerless gloves.
A curl falls from her bandana in front of her eye and she flinches.
A shocking thought occurs to me. I am so aware of how nervous I am around Eve but is it possible that she is also nervous around me?
It gives me the confidence to do something I couldn’t imagine doing just a few days ago.
I reach out and take one of her hands, and she lets me.
“So,” Eve says finally, our hands together now. “I want you to ask the question again, because now that I’ve really thought about it, I have an answer.”
I look directly into her eyes when she raises her chin, and a rush of heat cuts through the frigid air. “What do you want for Christmas, Eve?” I hear myself ask.
She looks back at me, and for a moment I’m afraid she’s going to run or tell me she’s changed her mind again. But when she opens her mouth, it’s to say, “I want you, Strudel.”
Then a feeling bursts up through the center of me. It’s so powerful, so intense, and it’s a feeling I know, just in overdrive—it’s joy. Pure, unmistakable magic. The kind only two people can make together.
“And I don’t know what to do about it,” Eve continues.
“Because you live here, and I live there, and you might live there, and I might live here. I don’t know if this is a good idea or a freaking terrible one, but if you feel the same, maybe we both deserve to have what we want for Christmas, at least for this year. At least for this moment.”
I pause. Trusting this moment is terrifying. What if Eve changes her mind again? Can I accept that this is real?
Then I hear Diya’s words about her leap of faith.
And what Johnna said. And my mom. And my new friend with the crystals.
Even Michelle, once upon a time. And all those voices and votes of confidence, all the messages and wisdom combine to help me trust myself, my own gut feeling, and believe that no matter what happens, it’ll be worth taking the risk.
“I think we owe it to Christmas to find out,” I say.
“So then, it’s time for me to turn the question around,” Eve says, grinning again. “What do you want for Christmas, Strudel?”
I raise my gaze to look at Eve directly in those melted chocolate eyes, and I feel the world around us dissolve. For once, I don’t even have to think about the answer.
“I want you to kiss me,” I say.
And when she does, this time there are no interruptions.