Chapter 31 Reyna #3
That could be why he was never around. He was too busy going off and doing what he loved—killing people—instead of spending time with his family.
Or maybe it wasn’t safe to be around us, and he really did want to be closer but couldn’t. Is that forgivable? Letting Mom die heartbroken because he would rather keep pulling triggers than do what needed to be done to make us a family.
Maddox almost looks guilty. “It’s possible. The Order hides their weapons. I could walk past one of them on the street and not know who they are. You aren’t meant to see the grim reaper coming.”
Nausea churns in my stomach. I feel so hopeless.
“Who decides who lives or dies?” It’s disturbing how corrupt this world is. I don’t know what’s real anymore.
“Any of the six high saints or the grand magistrate,” Maddox answers.
“Is there a way to find out if someone from the Order killed my dad?” My voice comes out more vulnerable than I’d like, and the corners of his eyes soften.
“If there is, I’m not aware of it.” The weight of his stare fixes on me like he’s making sure that he has my full attention. “But I could check the Order’s and the university’s records for your father’s name.”
The offer takes me by surprise. “You’d do that?”
“Of course.”
“I…” I clear my throat. “I would appreciate that.”
I’m only agreeing because I want to leave no stone unturned. Not because it’s an excuse to see him again, or because I’m hungry for his attention.
Maybe I’ll never find out whether my dad was involved, but knowing what I stumbled upon is a start. Wiping any trace of emotion off my face, I look Maddox dead in the eyes. “Tell me everything else.”
And he does—after some grumbling and glaring from both sides.
He tells me about their monthly meetings, the hierarchical structure, all he does for the Order, and that he has many more victims not even I’d be able to link back to him.
He tells me about how the world is a giant game of chess, and the Order is the one calling the moves.
Why he was forced to agree to the engagement to Abi, and why their parents are pushing it for the sake of reelection.
But mainly, he explains that every bit of hurt he inflicted upon me was to keep Spencer from venturing down the dark path that’s slowly killing Maddox, and because he’s frightened of what the Order or his father might do to me.
It’s like a cloud dissipates with every new piece of information, and light streams through. I should feel heavier from the weight of the truth, but it’s oddly liberating. This is what I always wanted: to be let into the fold and trusted.
For a second, it’s like I’m turning a page. Someone is seeing my value as a person.
I know he isn’t telling me out of the goodness of his heart. Maddox probably thinks I’ll keep pushing until I find something, and maybe he cares about me just enough that he doesn’t want me to die in the process.
It’s easier to tell myself we could never be together because of those chess pieces. It hurts less that way. That flicker of hope needs to be extinguished forever. No amount of praying and crossing my fingers will change that his brother’s livelihood hangs in the balance between us.
I get it.
Maddox and I were never meant to be. It’s not a question of fate; it’s a fact. There are eight billion people in the world, and the one person who could fill the void is the one person I can’t have. Not like he wants me anyway. He said so himself.
Maybe I’ll get over this, grow old, and look back at the time I thought I could feel whole because of Maddox. Or maybe I’ll be like Mom, a shadow of herself because her other half wasn’t there to make her complete.
I feel like a kid begging for my parents’ attention again, and I hate it.
I need to move on from Maddox and accept that some people weren’t made to be loved. If he finds information about my dad, he can email me or something. Otherwise, I can’t keep sitting here, tormenting myself by listening to him talk as if we’re okay.
I need to figure out where to go from here with my dad, and if it’s worth risking my life to know. And I need to get away from Maddox before he ruins me beyond repair.
Taking a deep breath, I keep my gaze fixed to the side and focus on keeping tears out of my eyes.
“Well… thank you for…” I wave my hand and rise to my feet. Getting me out of there. Telling me everything when you didn’t really have to give me that much. Even though you don’t want me. Even though you think I’m not good enough for you. “I’m going to head home. I’m sure no one is following me.”
Maddox grabs my hand and pulls me back onto the couch closer to him. “Stay.”
I’m exhausted and raw, and his games have gotten old. He just gave me a list of reasons why we can’t be together, and now he wants to have a sleepover?
“Seriously?” I yank my arm away and jump to my feet. “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t stay under the same roof as someone who led me on for a bit of fun.” My voice rises with every word.
“Stay.” Why does he need to look at me like I couldn’t be more wrong if I tried? Is he so self-absorbed that he doesn’t realize how agonizing this is?
“I don’t want to stay around someone who doesn’t feel the same way I do.”
“Reyna—”
“No.” I whip my head side to side. My eyes heat with the urge to cry because everything he said about his feelings toward me was a lie. “I’m me.” The girl whose own parents never chose her. “And you’re you.” The legend made flesh. Repeating the words he told me tastes like acid.
“Rey—”
“I’m no one,” I choke. “Some wannabe with a camera up to no good. Who can’t come up with her own ideas. A fucking fraud. A failure who will never be good enough for anything.”
“Stop talking—”
Tears stream down my face, and I can’t stop them.
“My father never wanted me. My mom didn’t even stick around to see how pathetic her daughter became.
” I was a good girl. I got good grades in school.
Ate my vegetables. Volunteered. Did my chores and homework without being asked.
I just wanted my dad to come home and see me for me, not as an obligation.
But I was always so fucked in the head. “I’m a nobody.
A nothing. Someone who’ll never amount to anything more than a decaying gravestone.
I wouldn’t dare soil your place with my pres—”
He clasps my face in his hands, stopping my rambling. “I’m obsessed with you, and I think it will kill me.”
I suck in a sharp breath, searching his eyes for a lie. “Don’t.”
“I’m wholly, completely, and madly consumed by you, and it might kill me. Life and death lost meaning, and the only thing that made me feel human was art, and that was gone too. Until you came along. You haunt me while I’m awake. While I’m sleeping. I can’t breathe because of you.”
“Maddox, you can’t.” Can’t keep lying. Leading me on. Making me fall for him, just to take it all away.
“I can, and I will.”
I choke on a sob when he presses our foreheads together. It’s all too much. I try to shove him away.
“No.” I shake my head against his.
Lie, lie, lie, always fucking lying.
“Then why did you push me away like that?” I cry. “Why did you say the things you did and prove every awful thought in my head right?”
He claims he wants me, yet he threw me aside with no regard for the damage. I know now that he had to push me away, but he didn’t need to do it the way he did.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.
” Maddox’s voice breaks and he tugs me closer.
“I didn’t want to, but I thought it was the only way I could keep you safe.
Until the day someone puts me in the dirt, the only person I’ll ever be is yours.
My only regret in this life is that I made you think that you weren’t everything to me, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.
You’re all I’ve ever wanted and everything I shouldn’t have. ”
I can’t formulate the words to describe how I’m feeling right now; I just know it hurts a lot. My skin is burning. I want to remember what it’s like to wake up and not wish that I hadn’t.
“Please,” I rasp.
Please don’t lie to me.
Please don’t break my heart again.
Please don’t leave me.
“If I haven’t made myself clear enough to you, the only person who isn’t good enough is me.
I’m unworthy of every crumb you have to offer, but I’m a selfish man who’s unwilling to share you with anyone else.
Because I’m me, and you’re you, and I’ll never be worthy.
I never knew it would be possible for someone to see the real me, and still want me. ”
I squeeze my eyes shut. There’s no realm of possibility where it isn’t me who’s lacking. I wish with everything I have that what he’s saying is true, because in every lifetime that I’ll live, no one will say that to me again.
“So stay, Reyna,” Maddox pleads. “I need you to stay because nothing has felt right since you left.”
The tears burn a path down my cheek and over his hands. I shouldn’t be alone in this room with him, but it’s the only place in the world that feels right. Here, with him, the universe could catch fire, and he’ll hold me through it.
The sharp edges of my grief become dull when he’s around.
It’s still there, waiting to cut me if I stray too close.
But life isn’t about getting rid of the feeling.
It is about making the corners soft enough to live alongside.
I’ve always known this, but it wasn’t until Maddox that I thought it might be in the cards for me.
“You’re killing me, Reyna. And I’ve killed for you. I’ll be the dark, and I’ll be the fucking shadows to your light, love. Our broken pieces fit together.” His voice comes out in a gravelly rasp against my lips. “So don’t leave. I promise you forever.”
I shake my head. I want this to be real, more than just a blip in time.
“Please,” he whispers, bringing me closer to him.
Moss-colored eyes collide with mine. They see through the cracks and the jagged shards of my psyche, penetrating the fibers that make up my being. He sees me.