1. Chapter 1 #2
That was all it said, with a happy face drawn below.
Smiling and happiness became my masks. I didn’t only smile to show the world that I wasn’t quite so broken, but when I did it, I almost felt good.
And I was happy a lot. I didn’t always have thoughts of worthlessness and wondering if I even belonged on this planet.
Nate and my friends brought me patience and joy.
I didn’t know what I did to deserve those, but I clung to them fiercely and selfishly.
I smiled at my reflection after reading the other note below the smile one, which was from Nate, telling me I’d be working at Alpha’s Rejects Bar tonight.
If I could work there every day, all day, I would.
Mixing drinks made me happy. I used bartending as an ‘off-switch,’ allowing me to focus.
Measuring, pouring, mixing, and creating that perfect balance was my favorite thing next to skateboarding.
I did both often, which helped clear the noise in my head, though I had to wear sound-canceling earbuds to drown out the loudness of the bar. The noise was too much.
When Alpha watched me mixing up my own recipes for drinks one day, he immediately sent me to bartending school, which I failed miserably at.
I’d always been a poor student and had dropped out of high school, eventually getting my GED online with the help of Nate and Alpha.
At least Baltimore didn’t have requirements to become a bartender, so Alpha just let me do my thing.
Now, I worked at the bar four days a week.
After taking a shower and brushing my teeth, I shoved my earbuds in my ears and sat on the living room floor with my legs crossed and my eyes closed, listening to the mellow music Nate said helped neurodivergent people focus more.
It helped a little to keep me focused, and I got the most benefit from it in the mornings before starting my day, especially when combined with breathing techniques. It wasn’t always easy keeping my mind on track. Some days it wouldn’t shut up at all.
My phone alarm buzzed at eight, yanking me out of my solitude, so I turned off the music to start making coffee for Nate and me.
As it brewed, I sat down at our battered little kitchen table and went over my calendar for the day.
There wasn’t a ton to do, but I often needed reminding of things like taking my clothes to the laundromat, going to the store with Nate to grab some groceries, or even when we were skating that day.
As soon as the coffee finished brewing, Nate came out shirtless and in sweats.
His dark curly hair still dripped from his shower, leaving little rivers down his lean chest, curving around a brown nipple.
I imagined licking up the long line of water from his happy trail to his throat, quenching my lustful thirst. My eyes traveled along the planes of his smooth, tanned skin sprinkled with little moles that I found so cute.
Nate was polka-dotted. Sometimes, I tried to count them, which helped me focus and relax.
He had nine of them on his right arm, six of them on his left arm, two on the left side of his throat, two above his mouth on the right side, and one by his left eye.
They were sprinkled all over his chest and back, too, like constellations—
“How do you feel?” he asked.
I yanked my eyes off his body and turned away from him, glancing back at my calendar to hide my flaming face. “Fine.”
He will never want you like that. You’ll never be able to map out his cute little moles. You’re only his friend—best friend. Best friends don’t like each other that way.
After he added some powdered cream and sugar to his coffee, he sat at the table across from me, examining me with eyes I could get lost in forever.
They were fathomless. I gave him a beaming smile so he’d never know how he made me feel like melted butter of desire on the inside.
It made no sense, but I had no other way to describe it.
“Did you meditate?”
“Yeah. It was good.”
His returning smile was broad and crooked, crooked like his cute white teeth. Nate always complained about his teeth needing braces, but I liked them. They were perfect, like the rest of him—perfectly imperfect.
“Do you want to talk about your dream from earlier this morning?”
I shook my head and took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee. I stood and slipped the mug into the microwave to heat for twenty seconds. When it was ready, I sat back down and took another sip.
“Have you been writing them down like we discussed?”
I shook my head again, refusing to look at him.
He tried so hard to help me, but I kept failing him.
I’d forgotten about writing them down. Nate even bought me a really cool notebook and pen to do just that, which I suddenly remembered sat in the junk drawer in the kitchen with two half-written pages.
Nate reached for my hand, resting on the table. I looked up to meet his smiling and patient eyes. “Tell me about your dream. Let’s talk about it.”
“Do I have to?”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just thought it would help you process it.”
“Okay,” I sighed. “The dream was about… then.” Nate knew exactly what I referred to—the time I’d spent months at this facility made for people like Nate and me.
It was a place meant to change who you were by breaking bits of you off like a stale cracker.
My body involuntarily shuddered as my eyes slid closed, getting lost in the scene… the memory.
Crying, screaming, begging. It hurt so much. I always hurt. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Touching me in places they shouldn’t be touching. My mind is dizzy and unfocused… drugs. I orgasm into another man’s hand. I’m drowning in humiliation. Dirty. Ugly. Evil. An abomination.
That was what they wanted. They wanted me to be so disgusted with myself that I would never stray to a man. How did my parents know?
My eyes watered, and I brushed them away angrily, so fucking tired of being like this all the time. “I can’t, Nate.”
He rubbed the top of my clenched fist in soothing circles until it relaxed. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m so sorry.”
My tense body relaxed at his touch. Nate was magic—pure, beautiful, celestial magic. He was my bright star. My North Star. My Polaris.
“Did you see on your calendar that we’re skating with our crew today? Then we have to work tonight.”
All my pain quickly vanished, and I smiled again, knowing I would soon be surrounded by my favorite people and doing my favorite things.
“Yes, I can’t wait.”