27. Troy

twenty-seven

troy

Six Schlongs Hen Party

Garrett Meyer

[Selfie of Bella and Garrett at the beach] Happy new year from the Maldives, assholes! Water’s perfect, drinks are even better, and my wife is a smokeshow in her bikini.

Dean Meyer

1.) No one wants to see your pasty ass on the beach. You practically blend in with the white sand. 2.) Does that umbrella in your pina colada come with a side of shame? 3.) Tell Bella her favorite brother-in-law says hi and that she can do better.

Garrett Meyer

Jealousy is an ugly color on you, bro.

Dean Meyer

I’ll tell you what’s an ugly color—that red sunburn you’re sporting. You look like a lobster from a seafood boil.

Darian Meyer

Clearly one thing won’t be changing this new year: my idiot brothers.

Dean Meyer

Aww, look at you using punctuation in your texts like a big boy. You continue to make us proud every day, little bro.

Hudson Case

Says the guy who consistently gets you’re and your incorrect.

Dean Meyer

Damn, I’d clap back, but I’m worried it’d break YOU’RE hip.

Dev Menon

It’s way too early in the morning (and this fucking year) to be reading you assholes shit-talking.

Troy Winters

Happy new year, guys. Great pic, @Garrett Meyer. With that drink, bet you’re fitting right in with the cruise ship grandmas on vacation.

Dean Meyer

GIF of Oprah wiping her tears And here I thought you were just the best pitcher in the world. Now you’re roasting my brother better than I ever could. Is there anything you can’t do, Troy Winters?

Hudson Case

He can’t stop you from humping his cardboard cutout, that’s for sure.

Dean Meyer

You’re in top form today, old man. Looks like someone’s increased their fiber intake. On the topic of age gaps, @Darian Meyer, did your wife’s preschool have special New Year’s Eve hours or did you have to sneak her out yesterday?

Darian Meyer

middle finger emoji

Garrett Meyer

Speaking of sneaking around, @Troy Winters, how is your “friendship” going with Sarina? From what we heard at Dev’s Christmas Eve party, you guys seem to be taking advantage of those “benefits”.

Dean Meyer

YES! I’ve been waiting for someone to bring this up! My pajamas were literally responsible for a Christmas miracle.

Troy Winters

Seeing my face on my best friends’ crotches wasn’t how I’d envisioned my Christmas going.

Dev Menon

Believe me, it’s not how I envisioned my Christmas, either. Pretty sure having your face so close to my junk violated several clauses of our friendship agreement.

Hudson Case

The only person who should have worn those pajamas is Dean. Guarantee if he had a pair with Mala’s face on them, he’d still choose the ones of Troy.

Troy Winters

Every day I worry more for my personal safety. Though, I’m not going to lie, Sarina wears those pajamas often.

Dean Meyer

See! She and I have that in common—our love for wearing YOU!

[ Troy Winters has left the chat]

[ Dean Meyer has added Troy Winters to the chat]

Dean Meyer

I’m joking!

Garrett Meyer

No, you’re not.

Hudson Case

Not to inflate Dean’s walnut-sized head, but those pajamas did get Sarina to stake her claim.

Troy Winters

Stake her claim? Not sure we heard the same things, buddy, but claiming we’re “friends who fuck” still equates to “it’s complicated” in my book.

But I’ll tell you who DOESN’T have complicated feelings about me. Her fucking demon cat. She literally JUMPED me while I was . . . yeah, I’m not going to finish that. Anyway, she launched herself onto my shoulder and dribble-punched my fucking ear.

Dean Meyer

[GIF of Jimmy Fallon spitting out drink] The visual of you getting attacked by a hairless pussy, and not in a good way, when you’re in THAT position . . . crying laughing emoji

Garrett Meyer

Fucking dying! This might be better than the time Hudson got chased by that big ass wild turkey. Remember how it stalked him for days?

Troy Winters

Guarantee the turkey didn’t cockblock him, mid-action.

Dean Meyer

Man, I don’t think I’ve laughed this much since I snuck up on Darian doing a downward dog in his backyard. He looked so fucking stupid. And when he saw me, he face-planted on the patio.

Darian Meyer

Fuck off. You’re such an asshole.

Dean Meyer

In fact, I think I might have recorded it. Let me drop that into the chat . . .

Darian Meyer

I swear to God, Dean!

Dean Meyer

Video Attachment: Little bro eating pavement

[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]

[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]

Garrett Meyer

Bella’s giving me a look because I’m fucking wheezing. God, I’m going to replay this so many times.

Hudson Case

This isn’t yoga. It’s a failed Magic Mike tryout.

Darian Meyer

How about you assholes lose my number? Permanently.

Dean Meyer

@Troy Winters, you know, maybe you need to ask Dev for tips. Piper’s pussy loves him.

[ Darian Meyer has left the chat]

[ Dean Meyer has added Darian Meyer to the chat]

Dean Meyer

Dar! How did I offend your prudish little ears now? I’m just trying to help Troy get some tips. Not about Piper’s pussy, since she’s taken. About Sarina’s.

Darian Meyer

That’s it. I’m telling Dad.

Dean Meyer

DUDE. Are you serious?? I was fucking joking!

Garrett Meyer

I literally can’t stop laughing.

Dean Meyer

Oh fuck you! Go burn another layer of skin off, Lobster Boy.

Darian, buddy, don’t be like that! No need to get Pops involved . . .

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