Chapter Twenty
Are you there, God? It’s me, Penny
Song: Jackie Blue—The Ozark Mountain Daredevils
We stayed at Darren’s house that night, though I don’t remember how we got there. I couldn’t sleep despite being exhausted. My body was ready for anything. Every slight noise made me twitch. I lay on the Lawrence’s yellow couch, holding my mom while Fawn lay on the floor.
Even though Fawn was born in Darren’s house, she was uncomfortable staying overnight in a place she wasn’t used to. Her eyes had goop in the corners, making her look older and unrested. I scooped away the hardened crust while she turned away from me, looking for James.
“He’s not here, girl. He’s not coming back,” I said.
Despite the situation, Gabriel would not let Darren stay with us. Gabriel was more afraid of our relationship than the fact that James died.
I wondered what Darren was doing. Did he sleep peacefully while I laid in his basement, afraid to get up? My mom finally fell asleep on me after hours of crying. I was done crying. Even if I tried, my eyes couldn’t produce any more tears because they were as dry as the Atacama Desert.
I knew it was morning when I heard Gabriel rummaging through the kitchen cupboards. I pinched my eyelids shut as he peeked down the stairway, and his footsteps echoed back up the wooden steps. My legs were scratched and bruised. I itched the red bumps of scabs and bug bites with my fingernails.
Gabriel’s lowered voice said, “I know you want to be there for her, but now is not the time. She needs to figure this out alone. You are too young to be getting into a serious relationship!”
“I will do what I want. Penny needs me, and don’t act like this isn’t about you wanting me to be focused on taking care of your kids.”
“Death is not easy, son. She won’t be herself. Don’t make this about your siblings or me. This is about you. Not to mention that you were out all night with her! I am not stupid. I know what teenagers do alone.”
“You don’t know anything about me or what I do!” Darren yelled.
“Be quiet. You’ll wake the poor girl up,” Gabriel said.
Darren huffed as he checked on me.
I compressed my eyelids together harder.
I needed to sleep. At least then, I wouldn’t have to deal with everything.
Darren’s family used to adore me. I helped around the house, got Darren to be more involved with his siblings, and was polite.
All of a sudden, his dad didn’t like me because I lost someone. Things were so screwed up.
After Darren left, I thought about the day before.
I thought about dancing with him as Jesse Young and the Matches played.
I thought about how alive I felt. But everything had changed.
I was a zombie, barely awake. James died.
It had only been one night since the cabin fell to the ground.
It had to be a dream. All of it couldn’t be real.
My mind drifted into a deep slumber, praying that I wasn’t in real life. Please be fantasy, I begged.
****
When I woke, it was time to take action.
Even after sleeping for hours, I was not well rested.
Darren made me a bowl of peaches and cream.
I gnawed on the edges of the mushy peach slices, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat them.
When someone dies, everyone around you caters to you.
Lots of people brought us food. I wanted to be left alone.
Instead, I was presented with gifts and sweets when I couldn’t stomach eating a single peach slice.
I sat at Lawrence’s unusually long dining table, which typically held their nine-person family.
Gabriel and his wife, Susan, sat on one end while my mother and I sat on the other.
Gabriel clasped his hands together on the surface of the counter.
Darren’s siblings were nowhere to be seen.
I assumed they sent the children to the park or a friend’s house while dealing with my family’s circumstances.
“Girls, I am sorry for your loss. I expect your feelings to be raw. Please do not hesitate to stop me at any time. You may stay as long as you need. We have gathered to talk about the funeral arrangements.” Due to the size of Moose Creek, Gabriel was the town’s preacher, marriage officiant, and funeral director.
My mother nodded her head. He discussed different funeral packages and their costs.
He sounded like he was selling us a new car.
“The normal service and burial costs five hundred dollars. You will have to decide between cremation and burial. If you do not want his body cremated, we will have to discuss casket models and their prices...”
Gabriel’s speech lasted a lifetime. By the end of his tangent, I wanted to scream.
We’d just lost someone, and Gabriel was bombarding us with too much information.
Without James, we couldn’t even afford a candy bar, let alone five hundred dollars.
We would have to use all of our savings to pay for the cost of his funeral.
I wanted to write James’s obituary, but there wasn’t any way to pay for it either. We could only afford the bare minimum.
I put my hand out to stop him from speaking.
Susan was staring at us with a proud, tight lip.
Momma looked disoriented. “We want your cheapest funeral service, and we want him cremated so we can take him to the cemetery in Butterfield. We will give you the pedal boat if you give us a discount. Now stop talking. You are upsetting my momma,” I said, rising from the table and walking my momma back to the basement.
James would have wanted to be put in a fancy wooden box six feet under.
I couldn’t care about what he wanted because I knew Momma, and I couldn’t bare seeing his body the way it was.
I needed to keep the image of James before he died in my mind if I were going to survive with poise.
“I need to go outside to get some fresh air,” I informed Darren.
I had to leave his house. It was claustrophobic, and nothing felt like home.
There was nowhere to go anymore, so I chose to sit on Darren’s front porch, where I got Fawn many years ago.
I refused to look down the street at the cabin’s remains.
It had to be midday; the sunshine touched my bare skin, but I was still cold.
The sun’s power to vitalize me had vanished, along with my level head.
Shortly after, Darren followed me onto the porch.
“Where are your siblings? Whenever I am here, they normally jump around and cause chaos. It’s quiet today. Almost too quiet.”
“My dad sent them to fulfill the duties of the church. They are cleaning up the chapel for the funeral.”
“Oh. That makes sense,” I said, in a muddle.
“I am sorry about my dad. He has done this for so long that I think he has become insensitive to death. To him, it is just another day on the job,” Darren said, sitting next to me.
“It’s fine. I know he doesn’t want us here anyway. He thinks I will corrupt you. Maybe he is right,” I snapped.
“Copper, he’s wrong. I don’t care what my father wants or thinks. I will be there for you through thick and thin,” Darren responded.
I’d thought James would be there for us, but he left.
I wanted to believe Darren would stay and be there for me through everything.
James was there for years, and yet I was alone and fatherless.
People didn’t care about me, James, or Momma.
They only wanted to drain our pockets and suck the marrow out of our bones.
“I don't know anymore,” I said, putting my hands over my eyes.
Are you there, God? It’s me, Penny. At this point, I don’t believe you are real.