Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
LORELAI
I barely slept a wink last night. I just replayed my evening with Luke on a loop. And let me tell you, that kiss got way more play than any other part of the night. My younger self would have climbed a mountain for a kiss like that. My older self is pretty jazzed, too. But as nice as it was, I can’t let thoughts of being with Luke distract me from everything I have to take care of. That’s why the best thing I can possibly do for myself is to keep out of his way.
I stay in bed until I hear the front door open and shut. Once I’m certain Luke isn’t coming back inside for anything, I take a hot shower.
I don’t bother to do more than towel dry my hair before throwing it up into a ponytail. Then I put on some old sweats and get ready to face my list for the day. When I get to the kitchen, I’m kind of sad that Luke didn’t leave anything delicious for breakfast, but then I remember he’s making breakfast for his parents.
After popping a Toaster Strudel into the toaster, I pour a cup of coffee and sit down at the kitchen table with my lists. With the bookshelves and closets packed, the house is already starting to look bare. Today, I plan to go through the kitchen and linen closets.
After eating, I get to work for an hour when I hear a knock at the front door. Opening it, I discover Allie standing there looking like she’s just lost her best friend. “Are you okay?” I ask while pulling her inside. She’s wearing holey jeans and a frayed sweater that I’m guessing she found in a rag bin.
Standing in my entryway, she responds, “I’m not great, to be honest.”
“What happened?” I lead the way into the living room before plopping down on the sofa. Allie follows suit.
“Brett is getting remarried,” she announces.
“Brett, your ex?” I can’t think of another Brett, but this seems incredibly fast.
She nods her head. “I just heard from a friend in the city that his new girlfriend is pregnant and they’re going to elope to Vegas this weekend.”
“Two things,” I tell her. “The first being, what a pig! And the second, what if something happens to this baby, too?” I don’t want to jinx a new life, especially one with such a turd of a dad, but Allie miscarried three times. These things do happen.
She shrugs. “I don’t know. I suppose if they lose this baby, he’ll leave her, too.”
I have to know, “What did you ever see in that guy?”
Allie kicks off her shoes before pulling her feet onto the couch. “You know how you have a vision for your life? You picture reaching certain milestones by certain times and then you just think, okay, I’m at the place in my life where it’s time to get married; have a family; buy a house, etc.?”
I know what she’s saying, but I’ve never operated like that. While I’ve certainly thought about those things, none of them appeared to be imminent, so I never felt pressured to stay on any timeline. That’s why I tell her, “Not really, no.”
She stares at me disbelievingly. “You were never tempted to marry Michael because you thought it was time to get married? ”
I shake my head.
“I don’t believe you,” Allie says.
“Why not? I left Michael.”
“Didn’t you ever wonder if you should just stay and take the next step?”
“No. But I did wonder how I lasted as long as I did.”
Allie’s brow wrinkles in confusion. “I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself, Lorelai.”
“Why would I lie about wanting to stay with Michael?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t think you’re lying about your feelings toward him, but I don’t think you’re being honest about everything else.”
Changing tactics, I ask her, “How many people our age do you know who move home with no plans for their future?”
“Just you,” she says. “I think it’s more common for people to never leave home than to come back.”
“Exactly. So, I’m telling you the truth. I’ve never been tempted to stay with someone because I thought that was what I should do. Which is probably why I’m finding my current situation a bit challenging. My parents are telling me to create a plan and make it happen because it’s time for me to move on, but I innately resist that kind of pressure.”
“You must have hopes and dreams.”
“I want to be happy,” I tell her plainly. “I just don’t know what the outside trappings of happiness look like.” I’ve never really put this feeling into words before, but now that I’m saying it out loud, I realize how true it is.
“You want to get married someday, don’t you?” She’s clearly having a hard time accepting that I’m so different from her.
“I’d like to get married, yes. But marriage isn’t the goal.”
“The goal is happiness …” She sounds skeptical.
“Yeah, I mean, if I’m happy, then why do I need to fit into other people’s definition of what that means? Can’t I just figure it out for myself? ”
“Is that what you’re doing?” she wants to know. “Figuring it out for yourself while hiding away in Elk Lake?”
“That was mean,” I tell her sharply.
“Maybe so, but isn’t that what you’re doing?”
Allie is volunteering some unpleasant opinions that I don’t particularly appreciate. “First of all,” I tell her. “I don’t consider living in Elk Lake as hiding. I’ve been resting. Taking a break. You know, waiting for the next thing to come along.”
“This break of yours could have gone on indefinitely had your parents never decided to sell.”
Now I’m getting mad. “It would have gone on as long as it went on.”
She arches her eyebrows like she’s inspecting an alien life form. “The whole idea about being an adult is doing things that move your life forward.” She itemizes, “For most of us that includes careers, marriage, homeownership, and having a family.”
“I’m twenty-eight,” I tell her plainly. “I’m not going to feel pressured to do things just because society tells me I should.”
“Yes, but we have to grow up.”
“You feel pressure to do these things,” I say. When she nods, I add, “And yet, you and I are both in the same boat. We’re both working jobs we didn’t go to school for and we’re both living with our parents. How is the way you went about this any better than the way I did?” I’m not saying that to be nasty, either. I really want to know how I’m the loser here.
“I grew up and did the things I was supposed to do,” she says, sounding confused. “I didn’t ask for my husband to leave me because I couldn’t have a baby.”
“Obviously not,” I tell her. “But that’s what happened. So again, I’d like to know how your choices have been better than mine?”
Allie stands up and starts pacing across the living room floor like she’s trying to gather enough steam to launch herself into space. She suddenly stops and turns on me, wielding her pointer finger like it’s a gun. “At least I tried.”
“So have I,” I tell her. “Up until very recently I had a job that I liked, and I’ve taken care of my parents’ house while they’re away.”
“Everyone has to take care of the place they live,” she retaliates.
Ignoring that comment, I say, “I know you’re upset about Brett getting married, but that is not my fault.”
“It’s not my fault, either,” she responds dejectedly.
“No, it’s not, but I feel like you’ve come over here guns-a-blazing, looking for someone to blame your sadness on and that is not going to be me.”
Allie inhales deeply before bursting into tears. “I’m sorry, Lorelai. I didn’t mean half of the things I said to you. I really didn’t. It’s just that I’ve done everything right and I can’t believe my life isn’t working out like it should have.”
I feel bad for Allie. “If you’d had a baby with Brett then you might never have found out his true character. Would you have wanted to remain ignorant to something like that?”
She scoffs. “Ignorance is bliss though, right?”
“You can’t honestly be saying that you would have preferred to stay in the dark about the kind of man you married.”
“Maybe he would have been a better man if I could have had a baby.”
“Allison, character flaws like Brett’s don’t simply disappear because the person is never faced with challenges. If you’d had a baby and found out later that your husband was a cheat, then you’d spend the rest of your life feeling bad that your kid had such a rotten dad. At least now, you can meet someone a lot healthier and give your future family a better shot at success.”
“ If I meet someone,” she says.
“You just have to take each day as it comes,” I tell her. “Seriously, I was really scared when my parents told me they were selling, but the truth is, I think it was the best thing for me. It spurred me on and I’m starting to have ideas about a job that I’d really love to have.”
“I thought you said you were happy working at the lodge.”
“I was, but given my new circumstances, I can’t keep working there so I have to find something else.”
Allie throws her hands into the air. “I don’t even have a plan anymore! I’m so far off schedule, I don’t know how I’ll ever get back on. My life is nowhere near where it should be.”
“According to who?” I ask.
“According to me.” She plops back down on the couch and rolls herself into a small ball.
“You need some pudding,” I tell her. Then I get up and walk into the kitchen and make my friend a box of cookies and cream instant pudding.
I’ve always looked at other people and thought they had it all together, but now I’m starting to see there’s nothing wrong with how I’ve lived my life. Bumps come no matter how much you think you’re on track. Hard times affect everyone.
I’m happy with how my life is turning out, and happiness is the goal, no matter how that looks to other people.