Nineteen
Jess
I might have made a mistake bringing Orion, Kito and Adair out in public. I forget sometimes just how small my village is and even getting out of the car with three alphas draws an enormous amount of attention from the locals. Orion with his black hair and even blacker tattoos covering his arms and hands. Adair and his angelic beauty and strong, lithe figure. Kito in his cropped band t-shirt with his sharp, angular features. I try to take in the scents of ground coffee, old books, heather, sea salt, ginger and bergamot. All of them mixing and melding together make the most spectacular perfume, but it’s difficult to pinpoint the individual notes I need to help me calm down.
I needed to get the boys out of the house. Heat or no heat, it’s been too difficult trying to keep my hands to myself when I’m near them. It’s like their bodies sing to mine on this deep, siren level I never knew I had. The thought that these alphas are my scent matches comes crashing down on top of me once again. Every time I think about it, I consider how impossible it is. How rare it would be to just happen upon three scent matches. But every time I’m close to them, especially now that my heat has passed and I can think a little more clearly, I feel that sense of belonging I’ve never had before. The feeling that no matter what I do, I’ll never be able to get away from Kito, Orion and Adair. And I don’t want to. Why would I want to?
A fear of commitment? A fear that I’ll end up just like my dad, alone and heartbroken? If I let them in my life, they’ll make me whole. But what happens if they leave and I’m just sitting in the shattered pieces of my life all over again?
“In here,” I say as we reach Violet’s Tea House . The yellow front is decorated with blue flowers, the windows are lined with lace curtains not too dissimilar to the ones I have at home. The boys have to duck down to get through the door but as we enter the smell of freshly brewed tea and home baking fills my lungs and I’m home.
“My dad used to bring me here every Saturday after he got the papers,” I explain as we wait at the doorway for Violet or one of the few waitresses to come and take us to a spare table. It’s tourist season so the place is ridiculously busy, but they always make an effort to save a couple tables towards the back for locals.
“You were close with your dad,” Orion says with a smile. “I remember you telling us about him.”
“We lived just a mile that way,” I continue, pointing out the lace-lined window. “Old farmhouse on the outskirts of the town.”
“Oh Jessamine, what a joy,” a voice comes from in front of us. I’d know that strong, Scottish accent anywhere. I turn away from the windows to find Violet grinning up at me from her minuscule height. “And you brought… company.” If I could compare Violet to anyone, it’d be Mrs Doubtfire. She’s a stout woman who carries herself with the confidence of a fully grown man. But she always makes an effort to welcome people into her place with a smile, no matter how intimidating she might be.
“Jessamine?” I hear Kito giggle and I shove an elbow back sharply, hoping I manage to hit him in the ribs. The high-pitched squeak that follows leaves me grinning in my success.
“Hi, Violet,” I reply, motioning to the boys. “This is Orion, Kito and Adair. They’re friends of mine.” I’m sure she can tell by the warm blush spreading across my cheeks that they might be more than friends.
At least I hope they’re more than friends.
“Adair, oh what a lovely Scottish name for such a bonny laddie.” Immediately Violet presses her hand up to Adair’s cheek and squeezes. I have to stifle my laugh by covering my mouth with my hand.
“Come oan then, in ye come. Nae use standing there,” Violet encourages, finally leaving Adair alone long enough to lead us through the traditional tearoom and towards a table. She sits us at a table barely big enough for three normal-sized people. It’s chaotic and hilarious watching Kito, Orion and Adair try and fit themselves into the white wooden seats without getting tangled in the floral tablecloth.
“Right, what for ye?” Violet readies her notepad and pen, smiling down at me.
I glance at the three alphas and laugh, they look so out of place it’s like something out of a comedy skit. “We’ll do four cream teas, please.”
The boys look at me with raised eyebrows. “Trust me, best you’ll find in Scotland.”
“I’m not much of a tea drinker,” Orion grumbles, shoulder to shoulder and crushed between Adair and Kito.
“Well we need to talk and my dad always used to say you can’t have a serious conversation without a cup of tea and a full belly. So, here we are.”
It’s true, he did say that. I still remember sitting him down to tell him I didn’t want to go to university, back when I was seventeen. I told him abruptly in the kitchen and he immediately made a point of putting the kettle on and making a plate of sandwiches. After a long chat, I did decide to go to uni. At least for a year until my chronic illnesses started to flare up for the first time.
Turns out me and stress don’t get along so well. It was a grim time in my life, not knowing why my body was betraying me. It took years of doctors’ appointments and hospital stays before I had any answers. A simple virus and some stress and my body had started to think of everything as a threat. At least, that’s what the doctors told me. It took ages before I was able to sit down and think things through, decide the best way to live my life when I’m in a body that’s constantly trying to tear me down.
This stress aspect would certainly explain why my joints are currently aching and my head is starting to pound. I hate having to sit the guys down like this. They’re not on trial, they’ve got nothing to prove. I just have to know I’m putting my heart in the right hands.
Violet returns a few minutes later with two large teapots, steam pouring from the spout. She sets them down alongside a jug of milk and a bowl filled with cubed sugar.
“We just have to wait for it to steep,” I say, breaking the awkward silence and tapping my feet on the carpeted floor with each passing second. Maybe this was a mistake. I should’ve just kept the guys at home and talked to them there. So what if there’s a risk we’ll end up fucking if we’re left alone, at least it wouldn’t be this fucking uncomfortable.
Fifteen minutes later and I could genuinely burst out laughing at just how out of place Orion, Kito and Adair are. I watch as Orion uses his huge hands to pour tea into a tiny china teacup bedecked with pretty pink flowers. Kito is making a mess, trying to figure out what goes first on the fruit scone on his plate; the UK-wide debate of jam or clotted cream first. Adair is just uncomfortable, wedged in his seat, long legs sticking out my side of the table and threatening to trip over the next unsuspecting waitress who passes.
“Jack isn’t a bad guy,” I start with, drawing in a deep breath. “He’s immature, always has been. Those friends of his don’t exactly help. They all act like they’re still eighteen, not heading towards thirty.”
“Don’t make excuses for him, Jess. He shouldn’t have treated you that way,” Orion argues, taking a tentative sip from his teacup and wrinkling his nose before he decides to toss in three more sugar cubes.
I chuckle, unable to stop myself when I notice Kito has a smear of cream across his top lip. “You’ve got a little bit of uh…” I signal to his mouth and he immediately grabs a linen napkin and dabs at his face, wiping every area except the one covered in cream.
Adair takes the napkin off him and wipes his face as though he’s dealing with a petulant child.
“No, he shouldn’t have treated me that way,” I agree, knowing it isn’t worth deep diving into the reasons why Jack is the way Jack is. “Men around here aren’t exactly easy to come by and Jack was nice to start with. Believe it or not, his immaturity was pretty refreshing when we first got together.”
“Did you bring us here to tell us you’re getting back together with him?” Kito asks, abandoning his scone and wiping his hand on his jeans.
“No…” I pause, fighting to find the words to explain. “No, I’m not saying that, I just…”
“Because if you want to go back to being with him, if you want to tell us that everything we did over the last few days was just a one-time thing because of your heat, then we won’t understand it but we’ll respect it,” Orion adds, his dark eyes glassy. “But you can’t tell us that every time you fucked us we didn’t fix a little part of each other we thought was either broken or missing.”
I look to Adair, whose eyes have dipped to the tablecloth where his fingers are busy working a hole in the fabric.
“No, that’s not what I’m trying to say if you just let me-”
“Because in all honesty, I don’t think we can go back to the way things were,” Orion keeps going, voice getting louder and more urgent as if he’s desperate for me to understand every word he’s saying. And I do understand, I understand better than I think he’ll ever know.
“If you want Jack just tell us,” Adair sighs, gaze lifting to mine.
“We just need to know what’s going on in your head; what do you want?” Kito chimes in. The words are all piling in on top of each other and making my head swim.
I thump my hands on the table. “I want to have you guys. I want you all! I want to keep you here in my stupid little cottage and never let you leave. I want to love you, I want you to fuck me like you’ve fucked me all week long and I want it now and tomorrow and probably forever. Just love me and be with me and fuck me.”
“Eh, no in here you’ll no!” Violet yells from the counter and my face burns beetroot red.
It’s with too much clarity and a lot of embarrassment that I realise I yelled that last bit. Every single table of people has turned to face us, mouths agape and eyes wide. Someone even has their hands over a child’s ears to protect their innocence.
“Sorry, Vi,” I apologise, wincing as I turn back to the table and cover my face with my hands. “I think we should go.”
“Yeah, I fucking think so too,” Kito stands first, grabbing my hand and dragging me out the tea room. I hope to God one of the boys paid the bill because the second I’m outside Kito’s lips are on mine and he’s lifting me up from the ground in one fell swoop.