CHAPTER FOUR | Ben
CHAPTER FOUR
Ben
T he commute home from Hartford was longer than usual, or maybe it just seemed that way because Ben spent most of the hour drive on the phone with his mom as she listed off all of the items on her wedding to-do list, the first of which was touring a venue. She invited him along and he’d tried to wiggle out of it, insisting he needed to catch up on work, but she didn’t buy his excuse, even though it happened to be true. Ben had been a little preoccupied the last week or so, and his work had suffered because of it.
One minute he would be sitting in his home office fixing lines of broken code when his mind would wander to that strange woman who bumped into him on the sidewalk. It had been more than a week since the occurrence, but every now and then her angelic face and warm smile would pop into his head, pulling him out of his world of letters and numbers and into one where he was a different person—one who actually knew what to do when presented with someone who made him feel things he’d never felt before. Ben grumbled incoherently to himself as he once again tried to forget about what might have been as he pulled to a stop at the red light on the north side of his small town. Ten more minutes and he would be home. Ben sighed in relief at the thought of finally being able to relax and change into some comfy sweatpants after today’s mandatory meeting.
Thinking about his typical uniform of sweats and a t-shirt made Ben even grouchier as he adjusted in his seat, annoyed at his current outfit. He was no slouch when it came to dressing for the occasion, and right now he was wearing a nice button-down shirt underneath his gray sweater. His black coat and dress slacks completed the ensemble, and while Ben knew he looked good, he felt decidedly unlike himself. He pulled at the collar of his shirt before scratching his wrist, the wool from his coat irritating the skin. As annoying as the items were, the worst part of dressing for work had to be the footwear. The black, oxford shoes were just the wrong side of snug, pinching his feet so horribly he could already tell he’d be dealing with blisters for the rest of the week.
Ben supposed he could dress more like some of his colleagues in their gamer shirts and converse sneakers, but as uncomfortable as his clothes were, they provided that little extra layer of protection from others being able to really see him for who he truly was. As much as he hated dressing up, Ben preferred his suit of armor when he went out in public, not wanting to give anyone the opportunity to get too close to the real him, the one he’d shown few others, only for them to leave. That’s what people did after all, right? Whether it was by choice or by force, at the end of the day, everyone in his life had left or would leave once they tired of his true personality.
Mercifully, the light turned green and provided a break from his self-deprecation. Ben waited patiently for the person in front of him to move and glared at the tiny green sedan when it didn’t budge, not at all surprised to see that the person in the driver’s seat was distracted, bouncing in their seat and waving their arms about wildly. He blew out a quick breath and tapped his horn. Finally, that seemed to startle the person into action, but instead of watching the car move forward, Ben’s eyes grew wide as the reverse lights came on. He tapped his horn again, but it was too late. His body shifted backward upon impact and a curse fell from his lips at yet another inconvenience in his day.
Luckily, the side street was deserted and no other drivers would be inconvenienced, a small mercy on this tremendously shitty day. As the other driver pulled forward slightly and put on their hazard lights, Ben stepped out of his car and rounded the hood, relieved to see there wasn’t even so much as a scratch on his bumper. Excellent . As long as the other driver didn’t make an issue of this, he was as good as home in less than fifteen minutes.
“I’m so, so sorry. I guess I put the car in reverse on accident.” A melodic voice called from behind him, the sweet sound easing the knots in Ben’s shoulders ever so slightly. Odd. “Whitney Houston came on the radio, and I got so into the music. I mean, what kind of monster could not bop along to ‘I Want to Dance with Somebody?’”
Wonderful . The woman who hit him was the chatty type. “Me, I guess,” Ben muttered as he straightened up and turned to face the cause of his current woes.
When he caught sight of the other driver, his jaw nearly hit the asphalt. His mind spun at the sight of the same woman who had rammed into him the other day. His eyes widened at the coincidence, but he schooled his features before she could notice anything about him.
The woman’s sky-blue eyes grew as well, her dark brows raising up so high they almost touched her hairline. “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it’s you,” she exclaimed, playfully punching his shoulder. “Grumpy no sweets guy, right?”
The light contact might as well have been a full blow to the head for how much it rattled him, his brain already struggling with what to say, what to do when confronted with the very same woman he’d been thinking about all week. He tried to focus on her words, not liking that his bad attitude was the first thing she remembered about him, but he supposed he hadn’t given her much else to work with.
“Uh, yeah. I guess that’s me.” As he continued to stare dumbly, he let his eyes wander taking in her appearance. She was dressed more casually today, wearing torn jeans and a faded, Boston Red Sox sweatshirt beneath her camel-colored overcoat while her hair rested atop her head in a sloppy bun, a few stray wisps of hair coming free and surrounding her face. Ben stuffed both hands in his pockets to help him resist the urge to tuck the wayward strands back behind her ear. He cleared his throat. “So. You always this accident prone?”
Her smile faded a bit, but not completely, like the sun passing behind a low cloud, still there, just not quite as bright. “Nope, I guess there’s just something about you that brings it out in me.” Her smile grew again and Ben found himself wanting to do or say whatever it took to keep it there so he could bask in its splendor. Splendor? What was this woman doing to him?
Instead of making a real effort to be different, he did what he always ended up doing, saying the exact wrong thing. “Well, you should really be more careful. Luckily, neither of our cars have any damage, but it could have been a lot worse. Someone could have been seriously injured,” he scolded.
The woman’s smile fell away altogether and she looked a little put off. “I didn’t do it on purpose, it was an accident. That’s why they call them accidents .” She sighed and her brow furrowed as she touched her hand to his forearm, her expression far less annoyed than he expected for how he’d just spoken to her. “You’re not hurt, are you?”
Ben shook his head, touched by her concern for him. “No.” He wanted to say something that would be a little more reassuring, but like always, he just couldn’t get the words out.
Even as her expression filled with relief, her teeth snagged on her plump bottom lip as she looked at him, her eyes searching his. “Are you sure? I mean, maybe we should take you to urgent care or...” She exhaled slowly. Was her hand holding him more firmly? Or was that his inner desires playing tricks on him. “Or I could take you out for coffee. You know, my way of saying sorry.”
“I’m good.” The reply was automatic, an almost knee jerk reaction to anyone asking him to take part in anything outside of his comfort zone. Being around this woman for even a second longer definitely qualified as that, but as he watched her face fall again, he wished he could snatch the words back, push himself like his therapist always recommended, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
“Right.” She laughed uncomfortably, glancing at their respective bumpers. “Well, no worries. I mean, if you’re not hurt and the cars aren’t damaged, I guess we’re good here, yea?” Ben nodded and her hand dropped away from him as she turned to leave. Even through his wool coat he had felt the warmth from her body transferring to his, and he already missed it. “I really am sorry about all this. Oh, and for the last time I suppose.”
Despite his inability to form words and his strong desire to get home, Ben felt compelled to call her back, follow her, do anything to keep her around, but his lips remained sealed and his feet firmly rooted to the ground. That wasn’t the kind of thing he was good at though, so he held up a hand in goodbye and watched as the woman pulled back onto the small street, disappearing from his life once more. Ben hopped back into his car, but he didn’t pull away just yet. An ache flared in his chest and he swallowed down the lump that clogged his throat. It had been a long time since Ben had wished he was better with people, but the beautiful, sunny woman had affected him, and Ben couldn’t help but replay their interactions and how much differently things could have gone if he’d actually put himself out there.
In another life, he would have asked for her name, and she would have given it to him. They would have laughed at the coincidence of running into one another again, and he would have taken her up on her offer of coffee. It could have turned into a dinner where they would have a wonderful time and make plans to do it again, spending more and more time together until finally, the aching loneliness Ben felt at night would go away completely. Alas, that was not to be because he was completely inept when it came to dealing with others, especially beautiful women who were far more hopeful than he could ever be.
***
“Y ou’re quieter than usual tonight,” Henry remarked as the two of them stormed into a dragon’s cave to steal the golden egg.
Ben grunted as he typed commands to his level 98 knight, not enjoying being called out on his less than stellar mood. He was used to stewing alone, but apparently, he’d made the inquisition inevitable by letting the day’s events continue to affect him. “Just focus on the campaign.”
Henry chuckled through the mic on his headphones, the sound welcome despite it being at his expense. “Okay, man. Whatever you say.”
Ben appreciated the reprieve, having already revisited the cause of his discontent enough for the two of them. Even getting back to his place and slipping into his favorite sweats and college shirt couldn’t get the fact that he’d blown it with the beautiful stranger, not once, but twice. Three times if you counted his turning her down for what probably would have been a date, which he absolutely did. The mistake was like a weight on his shoulders, and no amount of Junior Mints or gaming could lighten the load.
“Why do all the female characters have gigantic chests? Like, was there something in the water in the village, or is it just because the character designers were super horny when they made this?” The faint voice of a female that came through his headphones sounded vaguely familiar, but Ben couldn’t be sure and shook off the sense of déjà vu.
“Probably the later, Holls,” Henry mumbled, and Ben finally placed the voice.
Henry’s sister could sometimes be heard in the background when he gamed with Henry, often making comments about the characters or how boring the game was. Ben honestly hadn’t paid much attention to her in the past, but there was something different about tonight. Maybe it was because he’d missed an opportunity to be more talkative earlier, but he felt compelled to respond.
Ben snorted as her query echoed in his mind. “As someone who worked on this exact game, I can neither confirm nor deny that.”
He and Henry continued to fight off attackers and Holly could be heard in the background giving a running commentary of the action. “What? This looks fun. Why don’t you play more of these missions when I’m around? I only ever see you doing the ones where you have to take someone from one place to another. So, lame.”
“Escort missions,” he said out loud as his character swung his sword. Again, why Ben felt the need to explain a basic tenet of gaming to a stranger was beyond him, but the words had flown out before he could reel them back in. It was the exact opposite situation as earlier when he couldn’t force the words out of his mouth, a strange occurrence he was writing off as a result of his fatigue.
“What did he say?” Holly asked and after some shuffling on the other end, her cheery voice came in a little clearer. “What did you say? This is Holly by the way.”
Ben stumbled over his words for a moment, not expecting to talk to her directly. “Um...” He was used to talking to Henry over the game call, but he had never actually met or spoken to his sister, Holly. Cursing himself for speaking up in the first place, Ben struggled to speak again, worried he’d made a mistake by agreeing to game in the first place.
After too long of a pause, Holly spoke to her brother. “I think I broke him, Henry.” Ben heard something in the background that sounded a lot like “that’s just how he is,” and tried not to take it personally.
That harsh truth brought him back to the moment at hand, and while Ben wasn’t confident when it came to socializing, when it came to gaming or anything else he knew a great deal about, the words always came a little easier. “I’m going to ignore that little jab from your brother because I am, in fact, like that. To your question though, I said escort missions. That’s what it’s called when you have to take someone from one point in the game to the next.”
“Interesting,” Holly said into the headphones. Ben scanned her voice for sarcasm and found none. He was shocked she wasn’t making fun of him when no one else ever found details like this worth discussing. “And why are there so many of those? They are crazy boring.”
Ben chuckled, the sound a little unfamiliar even to himself. He didn’t laugh often, but it felt nice. Certain parts of him were coming back online after being shut down for too long. His lungs felt fuller and his brain tingled with possibility, even his body felt more relaxed, like he’d done a series of stretches after a long run. And all he’d done was talk with Holly. “Well, they give the player experience and test their skill. Anyone can mash buttons to fight off an enemy, but it takes a lot more patience and competence to do it while defending someone who is almost completely helpless.” The more he talked, the more relaxed he became.
“Tell me about it. I feel like growing up with Henry was one long escort mission,” Holly jested. “Hey, ow. Jeez, I was kidding, Hen. He punched me in the arm, can you believe that?”
Ben grinned at the interaction, and for once wished he and Henry were gaming in the same room. Being an only child, having sibling comradery was something he envied. If he could find someone he was that at ease around, he would hold onto them with two hands and never let go.
“Well, you did just refer to him as helpless, so you were kind of asking for it.”
Holly gasped audibly. “What? What kind of knight are you? You’re supposed to be all about saving damsels in distress and all that. I am a damsel and right now my brother is causing me a great deal of distress.”
Ben laughed, his lungs expanding even more as he tried his best to focus on the game, but was finding the conversation with Holly far more entertaining. “I’m sorry to leave you in distress, milady, but something tells me you’re the type of person who can save herself.” Between the ease of this conversation and his desire to spend more time with his accident-prone acquaintance, Ben wasn’t sure what to think. This didn’t seem like his normal life, and while it wasn’t entirely unpleasant, the change was a little disconcerting.
“Damn right I can,” she replied emphatically. “Now, I’m going to save myself from any more arm punches by going to bed. It was nice speaking with you, Benjamin.”
“It’s just Ben, but thanks. Have a good night, Holly.” He almost didn’t recognize the sound of his own voice, the lighter tone undoubtedly a reflection of the smile on his face.
Some more shuffling sounds happened and Henry came back on the line. “Sorry about that. She likes to talk to people and doesn’t really know how to take no for an answer.”
Ben chuckled as he swung his sword for the final blow to the dragon. Mission success! “It’s fine. She was surprisingly easy to talk to.” Not being face-to-face surely helped with that, but there was also something about Holly that put Ben at ease.
“Yea, she can be. Nice killing blow by the way. Sorry my mage just wasn’t cutting it in the game tonight,” Henry lamented.
“Don’t even think about it.” Ben chewed the inside of his mouth for a moment and decided to use the sudden bout of confidence that had come with talking to Holly to try and be a better friend to her brother. “Everything alright with you, man?”
“Oh, um...” Henry couldn’t hide the surprise from his voice at the question and it made Ben feel like a total dickhead for not having been more invested in their relationship before now. “I’m okay, I guess. The other night I went out on a date and I thought things were going really well, but at the end of the night she mentioned how I gave off ‘little brother vibes’ and probably wouldn’t want to go out again.”
Ben winced. “That sucks, dude.” Never having really gone out on a limb like that, he couldn’t truly understand what Henry had gone through, but he could empathize. He may not be the most talkative or inquisitive person, but Ben had paid enough attention to know that Henry was a great guy, very thoughtful and liked to take care of others, which could explain the brother vibes his date had mentioned.
“Yea, tell me about it. Anyway, once more into the breach or should we call it a night?”
Ben stifled the yawn that was threatening and spoke into his mic. “I’ve got to call it a night. I need to get an early start on some coding that needs fixing before I meet my mom.” He had about a days’ worth of work backlogged and it wasn’t going to go away anytime soon if he didn’t buckle down and focus on it.
“Cool. Talk to you later.” Henry was always so relaxed about everything, probably one of the reasons they were still friends, something Ben should appreciate more often.
“Later, man.” Shutting down the game, Ben leaned back in his chair, enjoying the stretch despite his muscles feeling looser than usual. Standing, he padded over to the bathroom, the white tile floor freezing cold under his bare feet, gave him enough of a jolt to provide the energy he needed to get ready for bed.
Ten minutes later, Ben was crawling under the tan sheets and pulling up the large down comforter. As he sunk down into the mattress, he sighed and tried to relax into a state of restful sleep, performing the breathing exercises that helped him whenever he was anxious. His lungs expanded and muscles continued to unfurl, but his thoughts kept drifting back to the woman from earlier, and to Henry’s sister. He should probably try to forget about the stranger he bumped into as he probably wouldn’t see her again, although he had run into her twice in two weeks. Maybe it would happen again. If not, perhaps he would finally take Henry up on that offer to game in person and run into his sister while he was there.
Ben smiled at the ideas, but reality soon came crashing back down and he flipped on to his side, punching his pillow to get more comfortable. It didn’t matter who he ran into because eventually they would tire of him like everyone else. His ability to converse with more ease than normal this evening was an outlier. Vibrant women like Holly and the one who he seemed destined to bump into were probably the type that wanted lots of romance and conversation, and that just wasn’t him, no matter how much he wished it could be.