CHAPTER NINETEEN | Ben
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Ben
B en’s eyes opened slowly as the remnants of the most amazing dream left his mind. He and Holly had been lying in bed together in their comfiest pajamas, her reading a romance novel and him on his laptop configuring code for some new game. It was a pleasant dream, but what had made it so incredible was that they were interrupted by a small boy, perhaps two or three, running into their room wearing footie pajamas and crying about a bad dream. The small child had run to Ben for comfort, and to his current astonishment, he had been able to do it. He had closed his computer and pulled the boy onto his lap, rubbing his back and whispering words of reassurance. Sadly, Ben woke before the dream progressed any further, but that small snippet into a possible future played on repeat in his mind, and he couldn’t stop wanting it to be a reality.
Rolling onto his side, he stared at the woman next to him. Holly looked beautiful in her sleep, her face relaxed and angelic as her dark waves spilled over the creamy, fair skin of her shoulders. Ben reached over and brushed a strand away from her face, and she stirred slightly, now facing him fully. As her eyes slowly blinked open, a smile pulled across Ben’s face when he thought about waking up to this sight every day for the rest of his life.
“Good morning, handsome.” Her voice was husky and a little raw from sleep, but her smile was serene.
Ben brushed his hand up and down her bare arm lightly, goosebumps popping up in its wake. “Good morning, sunshine.” His eyes flicked to the clock. It was barely six in the morning and they had been up until almost midnight.
After settling Holly in the bath last night, Ben snagged their take-out tiramisu along with two forks, and they shared it as she soaked in the warm water and Epsom salt to help relieve any pain she might have been feeling. The sex had been incredible, but he knew she was probably hurting after her first time and he wanted to prove to her, and to himself, that he could take care of her. It felt really good to care for another person, and Ben was wondering why he had waited so long to try it. He had a feeling no one would have stuck it out with him like Holly had though, and he wasn’t sure he would have made the effort with anyone else. Holly was one in a million, and he was the lucky bastard who she thought worthy of spending her time with.
The silky waves of her hair called to him, and he ran his fingers through them as he nudged her nose with his. “It’s still pretty early. You can go back to sleep,” he whispered.
Holly shuffled closer to him, her expression mischievous. “I kind of had something else in mind,” she said boldly. Her hand disappeared before stroking his already hard cock. “I felt this poking my backside last night, and I’m of a mind to make use of it.”
Her soft, warm hand continued to work him, the pressure both too much and not nearly enough. “Are you sure you aren’t too sore?”
Holly smiled wickedly. “Oh, I am definitely too sore right now, but I thought I could do something else.”
Leaning in to kiss him, she rolled him onto his back, somehow managing to deepen the kiss and stroke him at the same time. Ben’s hands traversed the smooth skin of her back before he gripped her backside to rub up against her. Holly gasped against his mouth before diving back in to capture his lips in another punishing kiss, her tongue roving over his and exploring his mouth with fervor. If she was going to do what he thought she was, he couldn’t wait to feel that tongue on his whole body.
Holly broke the kiss and moved her mouth down his face and neck, stopping to suck and nibble at the juncture at his shoulder. It almost hurt a little, but it also felt insanely pleasurable that he didn’t care if she did the same thing all over his body.
She popped off for a moment and giggled, biting her lower lip. “I think I may have marked you.”
Ben huffed a laugh, not even caring if he got teased for sporting a hickey. “Sunshine, you can mark me anywhere and everywhere.” He meant it, too. He would walk around town covered in love bites as long as they were from her. They would be a badge of honor, showing the world, he had an amazing woman and they belonged to each other. Holly smiled and moved down to kiss his chest as she tightened her grip on him and continued to stroke her fist up and down. His breathing was coming quicker, already so close to coming, and he wanted to make sure he gave her an out if she needed one. “You don’t have to do this, Holly.”
Blue eyes peered up at him through her dark lashes, her lower lip slipping into a mock pout. “But I want to make use of my pretty lips.” After throwing his words back at him, she winked and kissed the small patch of hair above his pelvis. Ben brushed the back of his hand against her cheek before cupping it, not seeing her eyes again but hearing her soft voice. “Tell me if I do anything wrong,” she said before sliding her tongue from his base to his tip.
His breath caught in his throat as tingles erupted all over his body, and he nearly stopped breathing entirely when Holly repeated the action before engulfing most of his cock in her hot mouth. She took him father than he thought she would, but didn’t gag as she swallowed him down before returning up to the crown and tonguing his slit. After she’d licked the head like a lollypop, she bobbed up and down on him, the movements of her fist matching the ones of her mouth. Every now and then, she would move up to the head of his cock again and suck hard, and he groaned in ecstasy.
Ben was so gone for her that she could have done just about anything to him and he would blow his load, but everything she was doing was perfect. It was slightly clumsy, but it was the best blow job of his life because it was from Holly. Soon enough, the pressure at the base of his spine mounted, her mouth dribbling moisture on his leaking cock and sloppy noises leaving her mouth. He tried his best not to thrust up, but he reached a point where he couldn’t help himself and started to move with her, Holly following his lead.
As he climbed higher and higher, he stroked her hair, knowing he wouldn’t last much longer. “Gonna come, sunshine,” he grunted. “Better stop if you don’t want to take it.”
Holly shook her head and ignored his warning, doubling her efforts to get him off. Ben’s head flopped back on the pillow as his body tensed, his free hand twisting into the sheets as he groaned his release. Fuck. He spilled into her mouth. Holly swallowed every last drop as she continued to stroke him past the point of pleasure. With one final spurt, he tugged lightly on her hair, his over sensitized body shivering at her touch.
Holly popped off, wiping a small string of saliva from her mouth with the back of her hand, breathing almost as raggedly as he was. “Was that okay?” Ben nodded with his eyes still closed and waved her to come up to him, still too blissed out to speak and needing a minute for his soul to return to his body. The feel of Holly against him finally settled his trembling, and he opened one eye to find Holly with her head and arms propped on his chest, staring at him intently. “Are you sure it was, okay? Because you don’t look okay.”
“Sunshine, I am more than okay,” he managed to get out as he caught his breath. “I’m just trying to figure out how you could be so good at something you’ve never done before.”
She smiled at him, looking pleased with herself now that she knew how he felt. “I’ve always been a bit of an overachiever.” Holly scooted closer to him and kissed his cheek. “Plus, I read a ton of smutty romance novels. They’re kind of like guidebooks for the inexperienced.”
Ben chuckled at her using her reading as an instruction manual. “Well, remind me to take you shopping at the bookstore next time we go out because that was amazing.” He could feel her smile widen against his shoulder and he wrapped his arm tightly around her, pulling her in to kiss the top of her head before rolling her onto her back, ready to return the favor. “Alright. Your turn.”
Holly barely had time to respond with more than a squeak before Ben was kissing down her chest and pulling one of her nipples into his mouth. She ran her fingers into his hair and griped the back of his head as he paid tribute to her amazing breasts. They were just more than a handful, and he wanted to be able to get his mouth and hands on them as often as he could. Ben continued to lick, suck, and bite at her chest until he felt her writhing beneath him.
Finally taking the hint, he moved down to her center where he used his hands to spread her open and dive in with his tongue, feasting on her. Holly tasted tangy, sweet, and a little bit like spun honey, and he couldn’t get enough. She was the best damn breakfast he’d ever had, and he was already trying to think of ways to get her to spend every night with him so they could wake up like this all the time.
After spearing her hole with his tongue, he pushed it in and out, gathering her sweet nectar before licking his way up to her clit, repeating the action until his face was covered in her scent. The smell made him almost feral, the need to drive his cock into her over and over again was overwhelming, but he cared more about her needs than his own and put that aside for another day. She needed a break, and Ben needed to get her off.
With each pass of his tongue, he felt her body grow more tense, so he moved his way up to her clit and sucked it into his mouth with as much pressure as he could, moving his hands to grip her backside and pulling her closer until he was practically suffocating. Finally, Holly’s body snapped and she came with a shout, Ben licking and sucking her through it until he felt her come again, only letting up when her body went pliant beneath his.
Gripping her chin, Ben slanted his mouth over hers, both of their releases mingling as their mouths moved together. He finally broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers while they both worked to catch their breath, and after a few moments of breathing each other’s air, Ben rolled to the side and draped Holly over his chest as he wrapped an arm around her. As she settled on top of him, her hand rested over his heart. It was the perfect placement for it since his heart belonged to her now, and as they both drifted back to sleep, Ben could only hope that she would keep it as safe as he hoped to keep hers.
***
T wo weeks later, Ben and Holly were back at his place enjoying lunch on a sunny, Saturday afternoon. They had worked together to make the meal, and the domesticity of it all had been wonderful. Ben hadn’t freaked out once about having her in his space almost every free minute she had since the first night she stayed over. He wondered if her staying with him would make things awkward with her brother, but Henry seemed genuinely happy for the two of them.
They still gamed and ran together, and it was nice to know that everything in his life seemed to be falling into place. Work was good; Kelly’s game had been greenlit, and in three months’ time, Ben would be leading the team to create the game world. Things with his mom had been a little quiet, but Ben figured she was just busy planning her wedding and spending time with Marvin. Worry about their pairing still niggled the back of his brain, but he had tried to focus on what was going well in his life instead of getting caught up in the negative.
The greatest thing that was happening to him was currently sitting on his couch in nothing but a faded Red Sox t-shirt and a pair of cut off shorts, Ben having a difficult time not getting distracted by the sight of the smooth skin of her long legs. He was in nothing but a pair of gray sweatpants and his Yankees ball cap, and he didn’t miss the heated gazes Holly shot his way when she thought he wasn’t looking. At least they were mutually distracted from both the food on their plate and the game on the screen.
Finishing a bite of her club sandwich, Holly moved both of their plates to the coffee table and climbed into his lap, removing his ball cap and tossing it across the room. “What do you think you’re doing, sunshine?”
Her answer came in the form of her kissing up and down his neck, swirling her tongue over the stubbled skin. Ben groaned as she sucked and nibbled, palming her ass firmly and squeezing the cheeks in his hands.
“I’m enjoying the ball game.” Her voice was velvety smooth as she continued to kiss him.
“You’re not even facing the televis—” His words were cut off when Holly reached between his legs and cupped his balls. “Oh, you want some of that ball game, huh?” She nodded as she worked him over and he lowered her back onto the couch, kissing her soundly. The noises from the game faded into the background as he pushed himself between her legs, then he heard his phone ping. “Ignore that,” he murmured against her mouth. Nothing was stopping him front getting more of this woman.
Ben’s phone pinged again and again until he groaned in frustration, and when it finally started to ring, he laid his head on her chest and whimpered. Holly stroked his hair lightly, the scrape of her fingernails only making his cock harder. “You should get it. The only people who call you are me and your mom.”
Ben shook his head against her chest. “I’ll call her back.”
Holly rubbed his back soothingly. “It could be important.” Moving her hands lower, she grabbed his backside, giving one cheek a playful slap. “I’ll make it up to you during the seventh inning stretch.”
Ben leaned up and gave her a peck on the lips. “Deal.” Grabbing his phone, he blew a kiss to Holly as she chuckled and stood up to clear their plates. “Hey, mom. What’s up?” he asked, trying to disguise the fact that he was slightly annoyed with her call.
“Benny?” Her voice was threaded with sorrow and she sniffled. She’d clearly been crying and sounded distressed. Ben’s mind immediately jumped to her being hurt or something equally as bad.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” Pushing his worry aside, Ben switched instantly into fix it mode. Holly sat back down next to him, returning the plates to the coffee table so she could grab his hand, her comfort welcome as he knew that he could handle anything as long as she was next to him.
“I’m sorry to bother you. I just thought you should know the wedding isn’t going to happen.” Her voice cracked slightly, the sound breaking his heart.
Ben’s eyes shot to Holly’s, seeing both her concern and her confusion. “What do you mean the wedding isn’t going to happen? It’s only a month away.” Holly’s mouth dropped in surprise and while Ben wasn’t exactly reeling from the news, he could see how she might be.
“We just didn’t fit, Benny. We were too different. My girlfriends from work are taking me to New York for the rest of the weekend to cheer me up. I just thought you should know where I am in case you need me.” Her voice was stronger now, probably her trying to put on a front for him, but Ben knew better.
As many times as this had happened, she always tried to be brave, but he could hear her crying at night and she couldn’t hide her red, puffy eyes the next day. This is why relationships were a bad idea. They never worked, and at least one person always ended up hurt.
Ben sighed and shook his head. “Thanks for letting me know. If you need anything, call me, okay?” He may not love the constant upheaval that her love life caused, but she had always supported him and he would do the same for her.
“I will. Love you, Benny.” His mom must really be broken up if she didn’t even wait to hear his I love you, too.
Ben tossed his phone on the coffee table and groaned as he ran a hand through his hair, the jittery feeling that had been absent the last few weeks pushing its way up from his stomach until it filled his chest cavity at the same time it felt like someone was pressing against it from the outside. Anxiety squeezed at him like a vise, his breath coming in shallower, quicker bursts that left him feeling lightheaded and slightly nauseous.
Holly’s fingers brushed against his skin. “Is everything okay?” The touch of her hand on his forearm was meant to be soothing, but it had the opposite effect.
Ben felt attacked, needing space from everyone and everything at the moment. He batted her hand away and she leaned back, hurt by his brush off. Seeing her recoil from him confirmed what he had suspected all along. He’d deluded himself into thinking the two of them had a future together, but like his mom and her fiancé, Ben and Holly were just too different.
Everyone always left, and Holly would too. It wouldn’t be her fault, never her fault, but his entirely. Ben’s attitude would eventually grate on her optimism, and he would continue to push her away like he had with everyone else, and he would hurt her feelings, just like he had in that moment. Relationships never worked out. Wasn’t that what life had taught him? And his mom had provided yet another example. He should have known better.
Ben’s anxiety continued to spiral out of control until he felt almost panicked. When his eyes darted to Holly’s, he saw nothing but concern shining back at him from the bright blue pools, but he continued to travel down a dark path where nothing would ever work between them. Would it be better to try and keep things going with her for as long as he could? Or should he just end things now to save them both the trouble?
Either path would hurt like hell, the thought of losing that future he had dreamed about a couple of weeks ago like a hot knife slicing through his chest, but Ben could survive it. He would survive the greatest pain of his life if it meant he didn’t have to watch her walk away from him.
Steeling himself, Ben hardly spared her a glance as he said the words that would ruin them forever. “I think you should go, Holly.”
Ben looked down at his trembling fingers, unsure of what to do with them. Suddenly, two soft hands surrounded his and squeezed them tightly. Holly stared at him, fierce determination causing her irises to look like twin blue flames.
“No.”
Ben’s brow furrowed at the firm tone in her voice. “You should go,” he repeated, though the force of his words weren’t as strong this time.
Holly laced their fingers together and shook her head. “No.” She moved closer until her knees were bracketing his, her eyes narrowing as she looked deeply into his own. “I know what you’re doing, and it won’t work with me.”
Ben shook his head, slightly taken aback by her words. “I’m just doing what’s best for both of us.”
She looked at him with a deadpan expression. “No, you’re trying to push me away, and it won’t work.”
The panic that had filled his chest formed a rock that clogged his throat. “You’ll leave eventually. They all do,” he managed to choke out. “I’m saving you the trouble.”
Holly brought his hands up to her mouth and kissed them before she cupped his face and drew him closer, searching his gaze. “I love you, Ben, so I’m not leaving you. Ever.” Ben tried to shake his head no, but she held it firmly in her hands and repeated herself. “I love you, and I’m not leaving.”
Ben sniffled and felt tears well up in his eyes. He hadn’t cried since he was eleven and broke his arm, and even the pain of that seemed insignificant to the overwhelming emotions he was experiencing at the moment. When he tracked a tear spilling down Holly’s cheek as well, he finally let his go.
“I love you, Ben. I have for a while, and I should have told you earlier, but I thought it would scare you off. I know you love me too, and that’s why you’re afraid, but I’m not leaving. You can’t make me,” she said authoritatively.
A watery laugh broke loose from his chest, and more tears escaped, most of them happy. Holly swiped them away with her thumbs and he reached up to grab her wrists, stroking the insides to calm himself. The feel of her skin under his and her strong pulse as he moved his thumbs back and forth helped him to regulate his breathing.
“I do love you.” Ben leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, enjoying the feel of her smile against his mouth.
“Good, because this could have gotten super awkward if you didn’t,” she teased.
He chuckled as he sniffed his nose and took a deep breath, pulling Holly into his lap and hugging her tightly to his chest. He swayed her back and forth for the next ten minutes as the rest of the anxiety seeped from his body.
Holding her closely helped, as did her words, but he knew he would need more than that if they were going to make this work. “I’m so sorry, Holly. I’m pretty screwed up, and I can’t promise I won’t try to push you away again.”
She rested her head against his, their fingers tangling together. “You’re not screwed up, and if you try to push me away again, I’ll just keep pushing back,” she said as though she was already prepared for that eventuality.
Ben thought for a moment. “Maybe I should talk to someone about my anxiety issues. It might help to see a therapist again.” It certainly couldn’t hurt, and if he wanted to keep Holly forever, he needed to make sure he was doing everything he could to keep his worries in check.
“I think it could, too,” she said before leaning over and kissing his cheek. “I’m proud of you, you know. It takes a lot to admit when we might need some help.”
Ben smiled at her. “Well, I had this really great dream the other night, and I kind of want to make it a reality if I can.”
Her brow furrowed in confusion. “What dream was this?”
“I’ll tell you about it another time.” Ben kissed the tip of her nose and settled back on the couch. “I love you, sunshine. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“I love you, too, and I’ll never give up on you,” she promised.
Afternoon became evening as they made more promises to one another and shared the love that they felt. Ben knew his anxiety could come back at any moment and cause more problems, but with Holly at his side, he at least had an ally. Ben had the strong feeling that she wouldn’t go down without a fight, and now, neither would he.