THIRTY-ONE
SERENA
The tiles in the bathroom are cold, pushing through my clothes as I sit on the floor beside Liv and we wait for the timer on my phone to buzz. Liv ditched her shopping trip the second I called her, my voice shaking as I’d shared my fears. I wanted her to laugh and say I was being ridiculous. Instead, she told me she was on her way back and was stopping by a drug store for a test.
Three minutes.
I wrap my arms around my legs as though I’m holding myself together while everything inside me threatens to come apart. The box is by the sink. The contents beside it. Face down. I won’t look. Not yet. Not until the timer goes off.
Three minutes has never felt so long.
“It’s going to be fine,” Liv says, a comforting hand on my arm.
“You don’t know that.” My reply is muffled.
“I know you’re smart and capable and strong, and no matter what we find when that timer goes off, I know you’ll take it in your stride.”
I’ve seen this scene in a hundred TV shows. A hundred movies. A nervous woman pacing, waiting, talking to herself. Some praying. Some hoping. Some dreading.
Two lines: pregnant. One line: not pregnant.
It will be one line. Of course it will.
“This is ridiculous,” I say, lifting my head. “I can’t be pregnant. I’m just tired. I’ve had my heart trampled on and probably haven’t been eating right. The stress of the last few months—Ryan’s crap behavior, the chaos of fake dating Chase—it’s all crashing down. And Chase and I only spent two nights together.”
Liv’s eyes shine with sympathy. “Two nights where you didn’t take your birth control.”
“Fuck.” How could I have been so stupid? Tears threaten at the backs of my eyes. I know the answer. I’d forgotten to pack my birth control the night Chase took me back to the ranch. The night Ryan showed up drunk at my door. I’d planned to take it the next morning, instead. But then we found out Leanna had died, and I jumped in his truck for a road trip without thinking. Without packing anything more than the overnight bag I’d taken to the ranch.
The truth is it hadn’t even occurred to me. I was so caught up in being with Chase. How he made me feel. The way he touched me. The way it felt when he was inside me. I didn’t think about those two skipped pills in the packet. Then when everything fell apart, taking birth control was the last thing on my mind.
I close my eyes and lean forward, resting my forehead on my knees, feeling the terrible ache of loneliness. I’d always pictured this moment differently. Me, sitting on my husband’s lap, strong arms wrapped around me, both of us giddy and nervous and excited. Hopeful. Laughing and crying at the same time.
In all the times I imagined taking a pregnancy test, it was never like this.
The alarm goes off, making us jump. We scramble to our feet and Liv kills the alarm she set on her phone. Neither of us reaches for the test.
“Can you look?” I ask.
“I can, but it’s your test, Serena. Are you sure you don’t?—”
“Fuck it.” The words come in a rush as I snatch up the test, turning it over with trembling hands.
Two lines.
My ears ring. My vision tunnels. “Pregnant,” I croak.
A sob rips from my chest before I can stop it. I press a hand to my mouth, like I can force the sound back down. But it’s too late. The tears are already spilling down my cheeks. Hot and fast. My whole body is shaking with the force of it. Liv’s arms wrap around me, her hand rubbing my back. She says nothing. And I’m grateful she’s giving me this moment to freak out.
I’m pregnant with Chase’s baby. My best friend. Or he was. I don’t know what we are now. Only that I thought we’d always be there for each other no matter what, and now we’re not. And this was the last thing he ever wanted…
My chest tightens, dread curling through my gut like smoke. But I draw myself up and wipe my eyes, heaving in a shuddering breath. “I’m pregnant.” I whisper the words again as though saying it out loud will make it seem more real.
“How are you feeling?”
“Terrified,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper.
“Will you… I mean, you don’t have to—” Liv starts, her tone careful, leaving the rest unspoken.
I shake my head before she can say anything more. “I’m having a baby.” The admission feels huge, terrifying, and yet solid in my chest. I’ve never been more scared in my life. I can’t wrap my head around those two lines on the test, can’t picture a future that looks so different from the one I’ve always imagined. But for me, right now, there’s only one choice that feels right.
“You’re having a baby,” Liv repeats, and this time it’s her voice that cracks.
I allow Liv to pull me out of the bathroom and onto the couch, tucking the blanket over both our legs.
“Being a mom is what you’ve always wanted,” Liv says softly as she wraps her arms around me.
I lean into her support as a wall of tears builds in my eyes. “Not like this. I thought I’d be married and…”
Liv pulls back just enough to look me in the eye. “So what? Seriously, Serena. Who cares how you do it? I’ve seen you with Ruby and Grace. And how you take care of every single member of that cheer squad. You’re going to be the best mom ever. Period.”
Her certainty washes over me, and for the first time, a tiny ember of hope sparks in my chest. Liv is right. I’ve dreamed of being a mom for so long. If I can just focus on that, on bedtime stories and a tiny hand in mine, I think I’ll be OK. But the spark sputters out almost as quickly as it ignited. Because no matter how much I’ve wanted a baby, Chase made his feelings crystal clear. The last words he said to me ring in my ears like a cruel echo. You want kids and I don’t. Which means we need to walk away from this now before we fall any deeper.
“Chase,” I say quietly. “I don’t know how he’s going to react. He’s always said he wasn’t built to have a family. What if he thinks I did this on purpose? That I skipped my pills to trap him?” My stomach rolls with nausea and fear. I’d never do that to him. The last thing I ever wanted was to give him one more reason to run away from our friendship.
“I know Chase has been going through a lot, but he’s a good guy, Serena. One of the best. You know that better than anyone. That’s why you fell in love with him. Focus on that version of him. And talk to him. That’s all you can do.” She jumps up from the couch, returning a minute later with a tub of ice cream and two spoons. “Well, that and eating this.”
A laugh bubbles out of me, shaky but real, as I take the spoon she offers.
If only it was as easy as Liv makes it sound. How do I tell my best friend I’m carrying his baby when he won’t even pick up the phone or reply to my messages?