33. Ashley
CHAPTER 33
ASHLEY
I can’t believe I’ve been with Sean for two months. We’re still single to the outside world, save for Darren, the twins, Ryder, and Kenzie knowing our secret, but we’re committed to each other. We haven’t labeled our relationship yet. I know that once we do, we’ll have to come clean to our parents, but we aren’t ready to rock our relationship boat yet.
We’re back home for Christmas, and this time, we didn’t make any false promises. We know we won’t be able to stay away from each other, but we have to be more careful.
Christmas is my mother’s favorite holiday, and she went all out on the decorations inside and outside the house. All the houses in our neighborhood are completely decked out, and people come from other communities to see the light show at night.
I’m in the kitchen, decorating cookies with Kenzie. She hasn’t said much since Sean and I arrived. In the past months, we’ve talked a few times over the phone, but there’s been a shift in our relationship, which saddens me. We used to be so close.
Sean is outside helping his father put the last touches on the Christmas lights, and Mom had to run to the store, leaving me alone with Kenzie for the first time.
“So... you and Sean are still... you know,” she says without looking up from her work.
“Yes, we’re still together.” I watch her for a couple of beats, then add. “I love him, Kenzie.”
She whips her face to mine. “For real?”
“Yes. I know you were against us from the start. We tried to break things off when we returned to Fairbanks, but in the end, we couldn’t.”
“I didn’t know it had gotten that serious. I thought you were just fooling around.”
“It started out that way.” I glance at the half-decorated cookie in my hand. “I haven’t told him yet that I’m in love with him.”
“Why not?”
“I’m afraid he might not feel the same way.”
“Ash, come on. You know how responsible Sean is. He wouldn’t risk hurting our dad if he wasn’t head over heels in love with you too.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Part of me wants to believe that, but... I guess I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?”
She tilts her head. “What do you mean?”
I shrug. “It’s hard to explain. Sean has been perfect in the past two months, but my cynical brain is beginning to wonder if it’s real.”
“Tell your stupid brain to shut up and tell him how you feel. Maybe it can be your Christmas gift to him.”
“Oh come on. I got him a gift.”
“Is it you wearing nothing but a giant bow?” She wiggles her eyebrows up and down.
“Oh my God. You’re the worst!”
She shakes her head. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”
“Please, no salacious jokes. What if Mom or your dad overhear you?”
Kenzie grows serious. “Have you and Sean talked about coming clean to them?”
I sigh. “Not really. We’re avoiding the subject.”
“Oh God. Sometimes the brightest people make the stupidest choices.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You should know.”
She winces. “Man, I was wondering when you’d use that against me. I regret that fuck up big-time, okay? Don’t be like me. How long are you going to wait to tell Dad and Marnie?”
“I don’t know. I suppose long enough for them to know we’re serious about each other.”
“Shit. You’re going to make me carry your secret for that long? I’m beginning to understand how Joey felt when he found out about Monica and Chandler.”
Guilt enters my chest. On one side, it’s a relief I don’t need to lie to Kenzie, and we can talk about it. But we’re asking a lot of her. “I’m sorry. I know it sucks.”
“Well... maybe you can make it up to me.”
“How?”
“I don’t wanna go to college, and I need your support when I tell Dad.”
“Why don’t you want to go to college?”
“I want to focus on my music, and the band is doing really well. We have a bunch of gigs lined up already.”
“That’s great, but going to college doesn’t mean you have to give up your band. You can do both.”
She frowns. “I don’t want to do both, Ash. I’m not a booklover like you. I hate school, and the idea of wasting four years of my life pursuing a degree I don’t need makes me sick.”
I have so many arguments on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t voice them out loud. I think she’s making a mistake, but how can I convince her of that without coming across as unsupportive?
“Are you going to be on my side when I tell Dad or not?” she asks.
“Yes, of course. But you know he’ll fight you on this until the end, right?”
“I do. But he can’t force me to attend college.”
Chris might be her father, but I’ve lived with the man longer. I know how persuasive he can be when it comes to his kids’ education. Kenzie doesn’t know what kind of war she’s starting.