Chapter 25 #2
He'd been a cocky little fuck when he first entered the league, but he’d grown into the type of man other players turned to when they needed guidance or a steadying presence.
“Did I ever tell you about the first time I thought I lost Ethan?” he asked, his voice low and thoughtful.
“The first time?”
He waved his hand in front of his face, his lips quirking to the side in a wry smile. “That man and I drive each other crazy. The first year or so we were together was touch-and-go. We love each other, but … well. Neither of us is easy to live with. We had to learn to compromise—a lot.”
“I … didn’t know that.”
Not only had I not known any of this, but I had trouble envisioning it. The Ethan Harrison I’d come to know since Bell and I had joined the Marauders was ride-or-die for his man. And Bell? He was head over heels in love with his quiet, gruff husband.
Bell scratched at the stubble lining his jaw. “Not exactly the kind of thing you advertise, right?”
“Guess not,” I muttered.
Not that I'd know anything about that. I couldn’t advertise a goddamn thing about my relationship— assuming I still had one.
“Mind you," Bell continued, "this was back when we were still hiding our relationship. Or rather, what I thought was a relationship, though any time I tried to get Ethan to admit that’s what it was, he’d freak the fuck out and we’d be back to square one.”
His jaw tightened for half a second, a flicker of old hurt crossing his face before he smoothed it away.
“Anyway,” he went on. “The social media team thought it would be cute to do a series of videos featuring us. You know, play up that whole rookie vs vet thing since we’d gone to the same college and played the same position.
Things started out well, but by the third one, some of the comments hit a little too close to home for him, and he ran.
I don’t need to tell you how homophobic some hockey fans can be. ”
I rubbed my hands back and forth over my thighs. “I can’t imagine being in Texas helped.”
He shook his head and blew out a breath. “No, it did not.”
“So what happened?”
Bell reached up and tugged the elastic from his hair, letting it fall loose around his shoulders. He raked his fingers through it a couple of times, pulling out the tangles, then gathered it back up and twisted it into a tighter knot.
“I stayed up all night waiting for him to come home. When he finally did, he smelled like some cheap, nasty ass cologne. I accused him of fucking someone else. Called him a bunch of names. Told him he had no friends and was going to die alone and miserable.”
“Fuck. Straight for the jugular, huh?”
“In my defense, I was twenty-three, and in love with a man who had zero intention of ever coming out.”
“Sounds familiar.” I snorted softly and shook my head. “How’d you get past it?”
Bell rose and crossed to sit beside me on the edge of the bed, the mattress dipping under his weight.
He bumped his shoulder against mine lightly.
“Honestly? I didn’t. Not for a long while, anyway.
But eventually, I had to decide what mattered more—my hurt or Ethan.
I chose him. I choose him. Every single day. ”
“And it’s been worth it?” I asked, turning to look him directly in the eye.
“For me? One hundred percent. But only you and Sebastian can decide if it’s worth it for you.”
I leaned back on my palms and stared up at the ceiling.
There was a slight discoloring right above me—what looked like a water stain that’d been painted over but was bleeding through again.
I focused on that instead of looking at him.
“I want to choose him—be with him—but …” I trailed off, unsure how much I should reveal about Sebastian’s relationship with Wyatt.
I wasn’t in the business of outing people, but how could I make Bell understand what I was dealing with if he didn’t know the full scope of what I was up against?
That, and I really fucking hated the idea of protecting that asshole.
“Look,” he said, copying my posture. “I’m going to be honest with you, T. After you guys came over that first night, Ethan looked Sebastian up.”
My head snapped toward him so fast my neck popped.
He lifted both hands, palms facing out. “Not in a weird stalker way—Jesus. Just his political stuff. You know Ethan’s a big old nerd about that shit.”
I suppose that made sense. I knew Ethan had become more politically active over the last couple of years, making appearances at campaign stops for local candidates who supported both youth education and LGBTQ+ causes.
“Right,” I said, deflating. “Of course.”
Bell dragged his thumb slowly along his bottom lip, flicking his eyes to me and then away again. “So, um … I don’t know how to say this other than coming right out and saying it. Ethan asked me if I thought Sebastian and Wyatt had ever been together.”
I twisted toward him fully, one knee sliding up onto the mattress. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Why are you telling me this?”
Bell pushed to his feet and moved to the window.
He rested against the ledge, crossing his arms, the fingers of his right hand tapping out a rhythm against his bicep.
“Ethan wondered if maybe the reason Sebastian won’t come out is because of him.
It sounds like there’s talk of him running for president someday.
He probably couldn’t do that if people knew he was gay. ”
“He’s not gay; he’s bi,” I muttered under my breath.
The second I realized what I’d just inadvertently revealed, my stomach dropped.
“Umm …”
Bell pushed the sleeves of his hoodie up, then braced his hands on the sill on either side of his hips. “I won’t tell anyone. You know I won’t.”
I blew out a breath, my shoulders curling in on themselves. “No. I know.”
I pressed my thumb and forefinger against my closed eyes, buying myself a second to figure out how to proceed here.
Bell and Ethan had already pieced together Wyatt and Sebastian’s connection without me having to say anything. Sebastian would probably hate me for confirming what they suspected, but he’d ghosted me—again. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
But our fight, and all the secrets I’d been keeping, were festering inside me. Making me feel gross and rotten. If I didn’t lance this wound soon, it would poison me from within.
I didn’t know what to do.
Bell pushed off the ledge and moved to stand in front of me, setting his hand on my shoulder. “You don’t have to say anything, T, but I know what it’s like to keep secrets, and how fucking crazy they can make you feel. So if you ever do want to talk, I’m here. No judgment either way.”
He turned toward the door.
I shot to my feet and reached out, latching my fingers around his wrist.
“I don’t know what to do. He and Wyatt are … I dunno,” I told him, my words coming fast. “Sebastian says it’s over, and maybe it is—”
Bell winced, my grip on his wrist having tightened. I released it, dragging my hands up into my hair and linking them atop my head. I forced myself to take a breath and slow my speech.
“Maybe it is over between them—physically, romantically, whatever—but that asshole is still at the center of every decision Sebastian makes. Every. Single. One. And I keep telling myself that’s going to change, that eventually he’ll put me first, but honestly?
I don’t know if that’s true. It’s like—”
I cut myself off, my teeth grinding.
“It's like what?” Bell asked gently, sinking back down onto the edge of the bed.
“It’s like Sebastian might not know how to be any other way. Like I’m asking him to unlearn the only version of himself he’s ever allowed himself to be. And I don’t know if that’s something I can wait around for. Or if he even wants me to.”
I swallowed hard.
“All I know is it feels like I can’t ever measure up. Wyatt will always come first, and I either have to learn to accept that or move on. And I don’t know if I can.”
“Accept it or move on?” Bell clarified.
I dropped down beside him, feeling utterly defeated. “Either. Both.”
“Do you want me to be your captain right now, or your friend?”
I took a moment to weigh my answer. If I said friend, Bell would sit here with me and let me feel what I needed to feel. But I’d been wallowing in this shit for days, and it was killing me. I needed someone to pull me out. “My captain, I guess.”
“Okay. Here’s what I know. You’re playing like shit because you’re not sleeping. And I know you’re not eating. You’re pissed off at Sebastian, and you’re pissed off at yourself, and all of that is coming out on the ice.”
“Wow," I snorted. "Tell me what you really think.”
He bumped my shoulder. “That’s what I’m doing. The question is whether or not you’re ready to hear it?”
I nodded. “I am. I don’t want to blow this.”
“Good,” he said, leaning back on his palms, shoulders loosening a little.
“You can’t control what Sebastian does. You certainly can’t control this Wyatt guy.
The only thing you can control is how you let this define you.
So what’s it going to be? You going to continue to spiral, or are you going to get your shit together? ”
I lifted my chin fractionally higher, feeling my chest puff out a bit.
Fuck, Bell was really good at this motivational shit.
“I’m going to get my shit together,” I vowed, the words sounding more confident than I actually felt.
“That’s what I like to hear.” He slapped his palm against my knee and pushed to his feet. “Now don’t look at your fucking phone for the rest of the night. Order room service and take a long, hot shower. And for god’s sake, get some sleep. I don’t want to lose to L.A. tomorrow.”
“No one ever wants to lose,” I reminded him.
Bell grunted. “Fair point. But I hate that fucker Chet Doyle, and any chance I get to remind him he ain’t shit is a chance I’m not going to pass up.”
“Aye aye, captain,” I said, saluting him with a grin I was surprised to feel on my face.
Before Bell could open the door, I blurted out, “What do I do if he never comes back?”
His expression turned sympathetic. “Then you grieve the relationship you might have had, and you keep living. And maybe vote for the other guy.”
I barked out a laugh, not expecting the joke. “Already planned on it.”
He rapped his knuckles twice on the doorframe. “Get some sleep, T.”
“Night, Bell.”
The door clicked shut behind him, leaving me alone again. This time, though, I didn’t feel quite so lonely.
In fact, for the first time in days, I finally believed I might get through this.