Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
EVAN
When Cooper goes into the bathroom to brush his teeth, I slip on his shirt from last night and do up a couple of the buttons as I walk into the living room.
I’m happy for the few minutes alone to get myself together.
Making major proclamations of love was not on my bingo card for this morning, especially after our run-in with my parents last night.
I’m sure I have a million texts from Chris and Rio checking on me, and probably from all the girls too since Jordan and Jo saw me right on the edge of a meltdown.
My parents have probably called too, or they’re icing me out and I won’t hear from them for a while—there’s really no in-between with them—and I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with any of that, so I leave my phone right where it is, buried in my bag on the kitchen island.
When I spot the pink notebook on the coffee table with a couple of my favorite pens, I smile because of course Cooper would put my notebook on the table so I would have it for morning when I do my best writing.
I consider going to the kitchen for coffee first, but Cooper’s secret espresso machine practically requires a PhD to operate, so I grab the notebook and flop on the couch to do a little plotting while I wait for him.
I have an idea for a banger of a spicy scene I can’t get out of my head.
The boyfriends are about to become boyfriends, and my readers are going to absolutely die.
The second I flip open the cover, though, I know that this notebook isn’t mine. Confused, I scan the pages, phrases jumping out at me.
I found out about you today, and your mom let me hold her hand.
I fell in love with your mom today. She looked over at me from the swing on your grandparents’ porch and I just knew.
She’s not ready for the words yet, but that’s okay.
I would wait forever for her.
I hope I can be a good dad. I really want to try.
Sometimes I wonder about who you’ll be.
I hope you’re smart and brave like your mom. She’s the most brilliant woman I know.
I can’t believe she gets to be mine.
All I want is for the two of you to be happy.
My girls are going to be the happiest girls in the world.
I love you already.
I promise.
Tears blur my eyes and spill over as I flip pages, too absorbed to care that I am absolutely decimating Cooper’s privacy right now.
A list of girl names.
Research on strollers.
Pictures from my ultrasounds with detailed descriptions of what Cooper was feeling at each one.
His bagel recipe.
My definitive list of the best cherry seltzers, ranked by flavor intensity and carbonation level.
Lists of my favorite snacks and the random foods I’ve suddenly decided I can’t live without over the past thirty weeks.
A list of his favorite places in Boston for us to visit as a family when the baby is born.
Little stories from his childhood he wants the baby to know.
Funny things his brothers did.
Him realizing he never really hated me at all.
The notebook is almost full, the first entry dated back in October, the day I told him I was pregnant, and one from almost every day since. His thoughts. His feelings. His hopes. His dreams. Our story. It’s unexpected and unconventional, but somehow, it works.
It’s us.
I’m holding his heart in my hands, and I’m written all over it.
The baby kicks and I put a hand on my belly, closing my eyes and letting the feelings wash over me.
“We’re the luckiest,” I whisper, feeling only slightly ridiculous for talking to my stomach. “Your dad is the best person in the world, and we get to be loved by him.”
“I’m the lucky one.”
I open my eyes to see Cooper standing in the doorway to the living room, low slung plaid pajama pants, a gray T-shirt, and his glasses, his eyes swimming with a mix of tenderness and intensity that has my heart doing a slow roll.
Striding to the couch, Cooper pulls me up and wraps an arm around my waist, tugging me to him and putting his other hand on my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I thought it was my notebook, and then I opened it and, well, it all kind of spiraled from there.”
Cooper shakes his head, leaning in to kiss my forehead, lingering there the way he does.
“Don’t be. It’s for you. You and the baby.
Me too. I didn’t want us to forget anything about this time, so I wrote it all down.
This may have been unexpected, but that doesn’t make it any less right. We’re exactly where we need to be.”
“All this time,” I say, with a little wonder. “You were so sure we were going to get our shit together and figure out how to make this work.”
Cooper smiles, pushing my hair behind my ear. “I was. I was just waiting for you to catch up.”
“Sorry I took so long. This whole thing has been…a lot for me. Still is, if I’m being honest. But maybe less so now.”
Leaning in, Cooper kisses me. It’s light and sweet and full of promise, and I sink into it, wanting to live in this moment for as long as I can, with the love pouring out of him and his strong arms around me and my heart beating out a rhythm that sounds like home.
Cooper is home.
“Don’t be sorry, Rhodes,” he murmurs against my lips. “You’re here now and so am I, and everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to.”
“You think?” I ask, easing back to look him in the eyes.
“Did you tell me you love me, like, half an hour ago?”
Smiling, I lean in and kiss him again. “I did.”
“Well, I love you too. You’re standing barefoot in my living room wearing my shirt and I’m pretty sure you’re naked under it.
Your hair is all tangled from my hands, and I’m about to make you breakfast before I carry you back to bed and keep you there for the rest of the day, showing you, over and over again, how much I love you. I think things worked out just fine.”
I lean in, nipping at his lip and smiling when he hisses out a breath. “Our living room.”
“What?”
“We’re having a baby, Cooper. You didn’t expect us to live in separate houses, did you?”
“I don’t…I mean, I didn’t…But…Huh?” I think maybe I broke his brain, and it absolutely delights me. I may love him, but I’ll never stop wanting to throw him off balance. I think maybe it’s my love language.
I grin, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Better make some space for my aquarium because I obviously can’t leave McDreamy, McSteamy, and Nick behind.
They hate change as much as I do, but your apartment is nicer than mine, so I think they’ll adjust. I suck at cooking; I think I have a mental block against using that space station you call a coffee machine; I’m an overachieving workaholic a lot of the time; I barely ever sleep past five in the morning; and it’s possible I have a boatload of issues on account of sucky parents.
But you know all that and you love me anyway, so… I’m ready.”
“I think I’m going to need you to be a little more specific than that,” Cooper says, his eyes boring into mine.
I put my hand on his cheek, loving the feel of his stubble under my palm, the way his deep blue eyes hold mine as he tries to work out what I mean.
The spark of hope beneath the calm patience.
Yeah, this man was made for me. “I’m ready, Cooper.
Today. Nothing about us has ever been conventional, so why start now?
We love each other, and we’re having a baby.
Except for my axolotls, my apartment has always just been a place to live and keep my shit when I’m not at work, but you have this whole brownstone full of brothers and sisters you love so much.
This is your place, Cooper. I love it too, and it turns out I want to be wherever you are. ”
A massive grin spreads across Cooper’s face, and he bends down, wrapping his hands around my thighs and boosting me up. “You want to live with me, Rhodes?”
Wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, I hold on tight when he sits down on the couch with me straddling his lap.
“I mean, you’re really pretty to look at and you fuck like a rockstar.
You’re an amazing cook, and you stock my favorite snacks, and you indulge my basic bitch candle and seasonal coffee obsession.
” Leaning in, I press a kiss to his forehead, closing my eyes at his sharp intake of breath.
“You make me feel like it’s okay to be me.
Like who I am is enough even if who I am is an overachieving workaholic who had a panic attack at my first ultrasound and wonders all the time if I have what it takes to be a good mom. I didn’t…”
I break off, my voice catching. Cooper runs his hands up and down my thighs, waiting for me to continue.
I take a deep breath and try again. “Except for Chris, no one has ever made me feel like that. I’ve always been too much of something or not enough of something else.
Too bitchy, too cold, too smart, too ambitious, not girly enough, not enough like my brother.
” I shrug. “I never thought it bothered me much, but then we stopped hating each other and I realized what it was like to have someone who likes me for me, and, well…” I shrug.
“It turns out I like being seen. So, I guess that’s a long-winded way of saying yeah, I want to live with you. ”
Cooper presses his mouth to mine and I melt into the kiss, locking my arms around his neck.
“There is so much inside of me for you,” he murmurs.
“I love you with every single beat of my heart, every breath I take. I don’t want you to be anyone except for exactly who you are, because who you are is spectacular.
You are my favorite human, and all I want is to do life with you, right here.
We can figure everything else out along the way.
And for the record, I never hated you. It just took me some time to realize it. ”
I smile, pressing my forehead to his and closing my eyes, breathing him in. “That sounds perfect. And I don’t think I ever hated you either.”
“No?” Cooper asks, grinning at me.